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I sat alone, for a long time trying to control my expression.
Sometimes I took a deep breath, I wrinkled and straightened my face, and sometimes I rubbed my face with my hands.
I’ve tried the kind smile that I’ve practiced hard until now over and over again.
But my face reflected in the window showed no sign of improvement.
‘Every time you meet Theon, you think like this, Dorothea?’
I bit her lip at my pathetic look.
No matter what I did in the future, I had no choice but to meet Theon.
Even if I don’t go to the episteme, we will meet at our debutante, and as a member of the imperial family, I will have no choice but to come and go.
It’s Milanaire and Fried.
And he will become the man I loved over time.
But how can I see Theon? With what face, with what expression?
I pressed the back of my hand to the corner of my red eyes.
The shadows of the past, which I had forgotten, were clinging to my ankles.
Tok-tok.
The door to the infirmary was locked and someone knocked on the door.
Ray? Ethan? Or Theon?
No one liked it, so I squatted silently.
Then the knock was heard again. However, this knock was almost heard from a height close to the ceiling. It’s like knocking on the top of the door…
‘Stefan?’
If it was Ray, he would call me by name, ‘Dorothea’, and Ethan and Theon were the same.
But there was no other person who just knocked without a word.
I wiped the slightly reddened corners of my eyes and opened the door.
As expected, it was Stefan standing in front of the door.
“What’s going on?”
“….”
Without a word, Stefan looked down at me and looked inside the infirmary.
“Are you hurt?”
Stefan shook his head.
“Then are you looking for Clara?”
Stefan shook his head and looked down at me.
Oh, you were looking for me?
I, who have been with him for a long time, have reached a level where I can understand the meaning of his eyes to some extent without him having to say it.
“Did Theon and Ray go?”
Stefan shook his head.
“Then I will stay here a little longer…”
I didn’t feel like going out, so I answered, and Stefan asked with his eyes if it would be okay for him to go inside too.
I didn’t want anyone else to come in, but I nodded as if it was a quiet and silent Stefan, it wouldn’t matter if he was next to me.
When Stefan came in and closed the door, I sat down on a small sofa in the infirmary.
“Stefan sits too.”
Because I plan on staying for a long time. I tapped the rest of the sofa next to me.
Stefan hesitated in front of the sofa, not knowing what to do. The escort driver is not allowed to sit recklessly, but as I said, I think he should sit next to me.
“sit down. Stefan is so big that the already narrow infirmary is stuffy.”
Stefan stopped in front me and finally sat down cautiously next to me.
Stefan was tall and broad-shouldered, so he took up a lot of space, but fortunately, the 12-year-old me was small.
Each of them is about 0.6 and 1.4 servings, so it was not cramped even if I sat on the sofa for two people.
We sat next to each other without a word for a really long time. All I could hear was the sound of breathing at a steady beat, the chirping of birds outside, or the occasional sound of servants passing through the hallway.
In that calmness, my heart slowly regained my composure.
At that time, I had some spare time, so I glanced at Stephan.
Stefan was sitting next to me, staring at the wall in front of him. He looked bored.
But it was one of the virtues that escorts should have.
To stay still so as not to offend the person you are serving, you have to be more alert than anyone else. Standing behind as if there was nothing.
Perhaps an ordinary person would doze off while still, but I had never seen Stefan doze off.
When I looked up at Stephan, who was sitting still, Stephan met my eyes, wondering if I needed anything.
I hesitated for a moment at the speechless Stefan and then opened my mouth.
“Stefan… Can Stefan keep a secret?”
Stefan nodded quietly at my question.
“What I’m saying… You’re not gonna tell anyone else, are you? Also to Clara.”
Stefan nodded again.
I somehow felt like I could tell Stefan everything.
Like a secret diary that no one can open, even if I write my story down, it feels like no one will see it.
A trustworthy person who will never tell anyone.
So I carefully confided to Stefan what I had been holding alone as a lump.
“You know, I had a very scary dream…”
Of course, I can’t tell everything as it is, so I mix in shallow lies.
“In my dream, there is a person I really like, and he hates me. In the end, he hates me so much… He hangs himself in his room.”
My little fist curled up.
The reason I couldn’t meet Theon properly wasn’t just because I loved him.
Every time I see him, I remember the terrible end. Even though I love him, if I draw the end with him, in the end, that’s all he is.
Bed with white sheets, high canopy. Under that canopy… his sagging body.
When that scene came to mind, I couldn’t face Theon. His appearance reminded me not to forget our sins.
In my previous life, I was a villain who ruined and ruined Theon’s life.
My heart still races when I see him, but when I think of Theon’s words to me, it’s all negative.
I regret meeting you.
i don’t love you.
i hate you.
It’s terrifying that you come back to life, Because of you, I’m dead.
I closed my eyes, trying to shake the memories away.
Stefan watched me silently.
“I’ve been thinking for a long time…I was born killing my mother. That is why I was born a bad person from the beginning. therefore… I can’t be loved and I am destined to be a bad person no matter what.”
It sounds absurd, but sometimes I  only imagine such absurd thoughts.
When Carnan doesn’t love me when I can’t have what Ray has when Theon turns away when the people point their fingers and curse at me for being a tyrant. And when I can’t change that ‘fact’ no matter what I do.
If Dorothea Milanair becomes a bad person, everything will be solved, so it is convenient to end up like that.
I ruined everything, and it’s because of me that people left me.
All bad things are my fault.
“Sometimes I’m scared.”
Maybe evil is the only source of me.
I must be evil from the seed.
“Don’t you think it’s stupid?”
I said so and smiled awkwardly.
Stefan might think that I was a coward who had only nightmares and seriously complained.
He might think it’s a little annoying when he sees me whining.
So I thought I shouldn’t have said it. I shouldn’t have said it, I should have just thought by myself. As usual
Then, a large hand approached me.
Stefan grabbed me and hugged me tightly in his arms. Then, with a hand large enough to fill half of my back, he patted me on the back once. That one small tap made my heart pound.
For a moment, I was about to cry, so I buried my head in Stefan’s shoulder.
Stefan’s hug is like saying that someone who loves you exists.
“Thank you, Stefan. And I’m sorry…”
I killed you like that in my last life.
After returning, I couldn’t help but wonder why I was born again.
Even when I was dying, I was completely convinced of ‘why I must die’. I knew better than anyone that I deserved death because I was evil and a tyrant. Because of that, I didn’t scream that I couldn’t die, and I didn’t curse anyone.
Even when Ethan blamed all his sins on me, I was silent.
The tyrant, heading to the execution site, quietly placed his head on the guillotine.
with an empty heart.
Maybe I was waiting for death.
But why did I have to live again? What’s wrong with a bad person like me?
Shouldn’t this opportunity be given only to good heroes? For someone like Stefan, for example.
I resented this painful life I had started over.
But what is certain is that once I live again, I cannot live like I used to.
I don’t want to live that kind of life again.
“I really want to live a good life.”
As I buried my head and mumbled, Stefan hugged me tighter.
“Princess, a good child…”
Stefan patted me on the back.
I laughed at him.
“Yes, I am a good child.”
* * *
Clara went up to Dorothea’s room to find Dorothea and found Ray standing tall alone.
“Prince Raymond?”
When Clara called, Ray squeezed his eyes tightly with his palms and lifted his head.
His eyes were wet with red.
“Did you cry?”
“No.”
Clara decided not to say, ‘You cried.’
“Did you argue with Princess Dorothea?”
“Dorothy must hate me.”
“Yes?”
“It is a disaster that I came… ”
Ray, who wanted to calm down a little, remembered Dorothea’s words again, and tears welled up.
For the past few years, Dorothy has been living alone in an annex, rural residence.
Of course, Ray thought that Dorothea would be bored and lonely.
Her mother was absent, her father was busy, and Ray was Dorothea’s only older brother.
Is it strange to be worried about his little sister, who is alone in a distant place?
Was it an arrogant mistake to think that Dorothea would depend on him?
If Ray comes down, Dorothea will be happy. It will make her happy.
What gift will Ray bring? What would Dorothea like Ray give her? What are the items that are not in the Cerritian area?
There is a sea in the detached palace, so Ray has to play in the sea with Dorothea.
They should eat something delicious together and ask Dorothea to take a tour of the detached palace.
Episteme The sincerity Ray wrote in the letter while looking forward to it even before the vacation.
All of that was a disaster for Dorothea.
“In Dorothea’s eyes, I look too stupid.”
Ray found a reason for Dorothea to hate him.
Dorothy was smart from a young age and used to do everything on her own.
Two-year-old Dorothea was able to solve problems that Ray couldn’t solve, and she knew what Ray didn’t know.
Unlike him, who barely finished last in Episteme, Dorothea was a genius enough to be admitted to the top.
To Ray, Dorothea was a proud younger sister, but to Dorothea, he must have been a less proud older brother.