CH 115

༺ Coming of Age Ceremony ༻

At Renee’s consecutive questions, the first thing that came to Vera’s mind was ‘The time has come’.

This was because whether it was Renee’s heart, or the meaning behind her words, he already knew it all.

Wasn’t it too obvious? He thought.

Renee’s signals and emotions were too obvious for them to be hidden easily.

Despite knowing this, Vera turned a blind eye to it.

It didn’t feel appropriate to respond positively, and he wasn’t sure how it would affect her.

He made every effort to look away and distance himself from her, but these things were inevitably being brought before him.

Vera felt a pang of sadness in his heart.

“Saint…”

“Please say it.”

Renee’s face turned even redder, and her warmth was transferred to Vera through the palm of her hand.

Looking at her, the answer instantly came to him.

However, Vera ditched the sentence rising in his head before he could even finish it.

‘…I must reject her.’

He must do that. He might have a bad impact on Renee. She might not be able to light up the world or even herself.

Vera licked his lips with a horribly contorted expression.

…But no words came out.

Because logic and emotion had a different basis of judgment, different interpretations of what is deemed right, and because Vera had always been a greedy person, he couldn’t suppress his emotions with logic.

So, he started spitting out words that hid what he couldn’t say.

“…I am an evil man.”

“Are you bringing that up again?”

“Please listen.”

Renee closed her mouth shut. Looking at her, Vera breathed deeply and continued.

“I liked taking care of things efficiently, and that efficiency doesn’t consider morals. As a result, each time I run into a problem, I turn to violence to solve it.”

“Vera didn’t do things like that.”

“Yes, I didn’t do that. To be exact, I haven’t done such a thing since I met the Saint.”

It was more like his inner fear had prevented him from committing it.

“Now that I know it’s wrong, it often crosses my mind, but I never act on it. However, that doesn’t imply that my thoughts are completely gone. The tendency to consider doing wicked things first in any situation will not go away.”

Vera knew himself well.

He knew just how wicked he was, and how deep and filthy his heart was.

He knew enough of himself to be afraid.

“I have a fear. Maybe someday I’ll succumb to my evil thoughts without realizing it. What if the action I took, which I judged as good, was actually evil? Because of that fear, I have to suppress my emotions.”

Since he made emotional judgments that were too despicable and couldn’t distinguish between good and evil, he needed a universal good and its embodiment to make judgments.

He was a man who had to entrust his judgment to that embodiment.

“For that reason, I don’t want to tarnish you with my color. I was afraid that my evil thoughts might be passed on to you and cause you to mistake my wickedness for kindness, so I didn’t want to express how I felt.”

Renee could feel the sincerity in his tone when Vera was speaking.

It made her sad.

“…Everyone has evil thoughts. What matters is whether you act on it or not.”

“I’m not fine with that.”

Vera immediately cut off Renee’s words.

“I really want to learn how to think positively and always put decency first while dealing with situations. I’m not fine with that.”

Vera bowed his head.

“…Please don’t put me to the test.”

The long-winded rejection ended in a desperate plea.

Renee felt the warmth that had been enveloping her diminish.

The urgency in his words and the sadness began to subdue the excitement in her heart.

Feeling like she was about to burst into tears, she tried to argue back since she couldn’t accept the situation.

“I don’t get tarnished that easily.”

She poured her heart out and her deep-seated feelings, which she held dear for a long time.

She refused to back down.

“If Vera is having evil thoughts, I can just pinch you. That’s possible if we know each other better. But why does Vera only think that I’m going to be tarnished by him?”

It was an inquisitive remark, and the answer came back shortly.

“…Because the Saint is too young.”

The words were akin to sharp daggers.

Young.

Renee felt stuffy because his abstruse answer sparked questions she hadn’t intended on asking and questions she had put off since he couldn’t instantly reply.

Renee’s face crumpled into a frown. A sharp pain shot through her as she bit her lip hard enough to hear a crunching sound.

She let all of her swirling emotions out as she opened her mouth.

“…Compared to whom?”

Flinch—!

Vera’s hand, which touched her cheek, flinched greatly. At that moment, Renee was struck by a belated realization.

‘…It was the past.’

What the Orgus showed me turned out to be the past. The person whom Vera truly cherished, the gut-wrenching cries that I saw, were all in the past.

…Vera’s first light turns out to be someone else.

“Who is Vera looking at?”

Her voice trembled.

She let go of the hand that had been resting on her cheek.

“Who are you seeing through me?”

The excitement she had left was ripped apart and replaced by an unfathomable despair.

Although she was unsure of the exact reason, there was something she could ascertain.

The reason why Vera had been so devoted to her since they first met.

It was because there was someone Vera had tried to see through her and through her title as the Saint.

Vera was aware of her feelings and deliberately chose not to acknowledge them.

“…Are you sure you’re looking at me?”

Renee’s sadness was fueled by anger.

She hated Vera, who stayed silent, so much that she spat out words full of anger.

“Vera.”

“…Yes.”

“Answer me.”

Vera felt his heart sink at her sudden outburst.

Did Renee find out something? What is she implying now?

It was everything he feared.

Vera, who wore a confused expression as he was pressured to answer, barely uttered words with his head down.

“…I’m looking.”

Just like a child being reprimanded by his mother, he replied as if he was trying to get away from the problem.

“I am… looking at the Saint.”

His voice trembled as he spoke.

Of course, his opponent was none other than Renee, who was able to feel the tremble in his voice and sense his nervousness.

“…Vera is a really bad person.”

A teardrop fell from Renee’s eyes. Vera, who belatedly raised his head, widened his eyes.

“Sain…”

“You know what? I can clearly feel that Vera is lying right now.”

Renee continued in an exasperated tone.

“Vera didn’t look at me earlier. From the moment I asked who you were seeing through me, Vera’s gaze went elsewhere.”

Whether it is small noise, movement, or a heartbeat. She was able to capture all of that, and that was why she could be sure.

After she finished speaking, Renee felt a bitter taste in her lips, which she had unknowingly chewed.

It’s probably torn. This bitter taste must be blood.

“It’s been three and half years.”

It was his turn to speak, but Renee went on speaking before he could do that.

“That’s how long I’ve been liking Vera. It’s always been Vera from the first time we met.”

There was something she wanted to say.

“Even if Vera only saw me as a child and pretended not to know my feelings, even if I knew that, but still…”

Despite the heartbreak, Renee held onto the desire to hold on to Vera, so she didn’t stop there.

“…I will always like Vera.”

She simply conveyed her feelings.

Vera’s eyes may have been drawn to someone else first, but it wouldn’t hold his interest forever.

Vera’s heartbeat, warmth, and the time spent with her were not lies.

If so, I shouldn’t give up.

I’m not going to let despair get the better of me.

Having made such a promise to herself, Renee could not allow herself to be deterred by such a mere rejection.

She extended her arms. Fortunately, Renee was able to reach Vera due to their close distance.

Putting both hands on Vera’s cheeks, Renee spoke.

“So look at me. I’m the light that you’re obsessed with. Now your light wants you. Look at me.”

She inched her head closer so that only she filled Vera’s vision, and so he couldn’t see anything else except her.

“Look at me as Renee, not as the Saint or the Apostle of the Lord.”

As they were within a hair’s breadth of having their noses touch, she asked again.

”Then answer me again.”

She knew that she made Vera’s heart flutter.

“Do you love me?”

It was a pressure disguised as a question.

What followed next was silence. However, Renee knew.

Vera wouldn’t answer. He was so captivated by her, yet he continued to ignore her.

Vera himself had come clean about the reason and provided an explanation in a very Vera-like way.

Renee could understand that, but that didn’t mean that she would back down.

After three and a half years of waiting, her thirst had grown so intense to the point it was unbearable.

Renee leaned her head even more in and cocked her head sideways.

And their lips met with a ‘chu’ sound.

For a brief moment, their breaths entwined, and their saliva slipped back and forth, tasting like blood.

Then, as if it truly had a great impact on her, she felt an electrifying sensation that rushed up her spine.

Her fingertips felt Vera become stiff as a stone.

“Puha…”

Renee pulled away just enough for their lips to part, and spoke the following words directly into Vera’s mouth.

“…You weren’t going to answer, were you? So I did as I pleased.”

She spoke as though she intended to impose her own desires on Vera.

It was by force.

“Since Vera rejected me as he pleased, I will do as I please. You said you were scared to tarnish me because I’m too young, didn’t you? Then how about this?”

As if saying ‘just wait and see’, she curled up the corners of her lips into an arrogant smile and continued.

”I will color Vera in my own color. I’m going to turn Vera into a fool. I’ll make you only think of me so that you won’t have time to think about evil thoughts or good thoughts.”

Vera’s pupils shook slightly.

“Saint…”

As soon as he was about to answer, Renee kissed him again.

Their breaths entwined again for the second time. Vera felt like his whole body was burning with it. He felt his rational mind fading away, leaving only instinct in its place.

He felt the fear that had settled inside him growing uncontrollably.

The moment it became unbearable, Renee took off her lips.

“…Don’t refute. Don’t even think of rejecting me. I’ll wait especially for you. I won’t bring this up again until Vera tells me he loves me.”

Renee gasped for breath, her body was burning as if she was sweating despite the cold weather, and she was dizzy from her intoxication.

She declared that she would never back down.

“Instead, I’ll make it unbearable for Vera if he doesn’t say it. I’m going to kiss, hug, or say embarrassing things like this. If you want me to stop, you can just say ‘I love you’ to me.”

Renee thought to herself.

Maybe I’ll tear the blanket out of shame tomorrow.

I’m sure I would, because I’m half drunk now.

But I won’t regret it.

“If you really want me to turn into a brilliant light, just nod your head. Because your light needs you. It needs you to be complete. That light has given you an order.”

Vera was her envisioned future, her reason to become a brilliant light, her reason to venture into the world, and the reason she loved both herself and other people.

“And don’t ever think about saying the same thing. I’m not a child that you should take care of. I can judge good and evil on my own.”

She wouldn’t regret it because Vera was the reason she set her mind to move forward.

“Hurry, nod.”

She urged him once again.

Renee smiled when Vera, who briefly flinched, began to nod very slowly.

“Good job.”

Renee caressed Vera’s cheek before hugging him.

“Don’t ever call me young again.”

She whispered while holding him in her arms.

Even in the midst of pouring out her feelings, she kept stumbling over her words, and said in a fit of annoyance.

“Vera is much more like a child in my eyes.”

The past was irrelevant anyway. She was the one who had been and will continue to be by Vera’s side. Eventually, Vera would be hers.

In an effort to keep Vera from leaving, Renee hugged him tightly while speaking softly so that only her scent would linger in Vera’s body.

“Vera’s light is already bright enough to move forward on its own. Don’t worry about it.”

The words served as a consolation for Vera and words of encouragement for herself.

She vowed not to give in and to do whatever it took to win him over.

On a very small terrace, Renee hugged Vera in the persisting cold and gave him a stroke on the back of the head as if to show her maturity.

It was a ceremony of sorts.

What was the ceremony for? If someone asked, Renee would answer this.

It was a ceremony to strengthen her resolve not to wait any longer, but to take action to win him over.

It was a vow to give her all to have him.

What she was doing for him was her own premature coming of age ceremony, and at the same time, her own awakening as the Saint.