Chapter 42

Chapter 42: 42

– It was painful to dream of a day that was fun.

It’s always depressing to be sent back to the days when you couldn’t just be a young child.

I just lay my eyes down in front of reality, get rid of my emotions and smile vaguely at everyone.

I keep giving up. I needed Raini Sian to live.

“Let’s call it a day.”

“… uh, su, sorry!

I make my shoulders jump on words spoken in a frightened voice with sighs.

I shouldn’t, it was when I was being taught by Master Ilia! I can’t believe you skipped consciousness today. I thought I’d stopped dreaming and settled down lately.

Now I was in the middle of coaching on how to brew tea. The tea I was working on halfway through will be finished by Master Ilia. I drop my shoulders in my elusiveness as I look at its handiness.

“Raini, please sit down”

“… Yes”

Ugh, don’t get mad at me. I wonder if my focus has become more diffuse lately because I’ve been as handy as I think I am. That makes me really disgusted. I’m just sorry and I get a heavy response.

But I can’t hear the reprimand I expected when I get to my seat. I can only hear the sound at hand preparing the tea as it is and on the contrary I am restless……

“Go ahead.”

“Huh? Um…”

“It’s going to get cold.”

Think about what I am right to do to point out Master Ilia. But I didn’t even know if I thought about it. I’m even suspicious that I was able to think in the first place. Just grab a teacup and have a cup of tea as prompted.

The aroma and taste of the tea was such a gentle flavor that it would unravel the dull head of thought. I narrow my eyes to the warmth that goes through my throat. I accidentally get zero breath of relief.

“Oh, um… I’m sorry”

“No, I don’t mind. I kind of knew it wasn’t here.”

It was a pale reply to return when I conveyed my words of apology. As always, Master Ilia can’t read her emotions. To be honest, I’m a confused opponent.

I accidentally drop my gaze on the teacup and look at it when I realize my face is showing. My own face without hegemony, I wonder if this is what I see from people right now. I think you look a little worried yourself.

“Is there something wrong?

“… my dreams are a little bad”

“Is it a dream?

“Dream of when your mother was alive.”

My voice was surprisingly flat when I grumbled.

One day, Mr. Anise pointed it out to me. Memories of when you were happiest to me. I couldn’t stand that now, comparing reality to its memory.

And the big case I’ve had. I have driven many people’s lives crazy. I was wondering if I could still drink tea or something like this. So much so that I think so. I shouldn’t have done this. I don’t have time to lean down. Still heavy enough to drool my head…

“Mother. Mother… I guess it was a good mother to remember as much as it seemed.”

“… Yes”

“May I ask what kind of mother?

“He was a free man. You took me out and showed me all kinds of views, and you don’t even remember staying in one place, do you? Looks like he raised me on a journey.”

I wonder if it was to keep me from knowing who I am.

My mother is likely a vampire. The demons spoken of in that gaga tale, but their identity is a little different, but they can’t be described as ordinary people.

The presence of me has shown it. Your mother wondered what that man thought he was living in this world. I wondered why I was traveling around.

“He was a bright laugher. He really always laughed and gazed at me and talked about everything. I was really, really sweet and I loved it.”

“… but you’re already dead”

“Yes, he had a poor quality disease… he said it would get better soon, but he also made sure I was ready to be taken to the orphanage, and stay asleep”

Really, your mother had died to sleep. I can still remember how cold my mother’s hands were when she stopped moving and got cold.

I was in an orphanage by the time I got that fact that I was dead. My mother was beaten by the reality that she was not coming to pick me up anymore.

“… life in the orphanage since then has been terrible. I didn’t care that my life was painful. But things get taken, they get abused, and I thought,” My work started, and I felt like I was something. “

“Oh, no more vampire charm by then…”

“Probably. That’s why I liked one. I wish I’d been knitting in my room or reading a book. How long have you been creepy and nobody’s ever come near you?”

And I grew up gradually, too. He’s there, but he’s not there, he shouldn’t be. With that in mind I was living my days like the air floating in an orphanage.

That’s when your father found me. The only thing I desperately protected that I didn’t want to be taken. A pendant that is the shape of a mother. Something that the orphan doesn’t get a little tense to have. This is all I can remember biting but protecting it through.

“And then there was the flow of your father welcoming me to the Baron Cyan house. My mother-in-law didn’t blink that much either because it was a civilian ascent. You must have been fortunate to be a woman. If I gave it to my daughter-in-law, my adopted son would never have inherited the house.”

“But you didn’t get to be cute, did you?

“I think it’s a fascinating force…. It’s so painful to live in a world where common sense is different, and my breath is stuck. I honestly gave up thinking that being admitted to an aristocratic college would just change my breathlessness.”

Your father desperately educated me as a noble lady so that I could find a good friendship. I’ve never thought I’d hate that. The way you told me you struggled a lot yourself and talked to me to keep my gaze on you is enough to remind me of your mother.

I was glad to think that there was more blood connected to this guy. That’s why I wanted to live as a noble lady. Your father would love to find a good friendship. I don’t like studying, but it’s hard to get along, but still trying to live without a wave.

However, it was still not easy to live in the aristocratic world.

“So I made a big mistake…”

“… I think Prince Algard was approaching with confusion.”

“Yep. But will the others gradually become involved with me? Honestly, I was used to it, so I thought if I kept my distance, I should laugh at it unnecessarily even if I was approached. After that, there are rumors about what kind of a baroness the prince is…”

“… hell it is”

“Do you think so”

In the end, when I realized it, I couldn’t move. Whatever you do, you don’t carry the situation as good as it gets. Nothing. I don’t like anyone, and I don’t even hate them. Whether they take things, or throw them down the stairs, or let bad reviews run through them, they can handle it if they’re alive.

After all, it won’t work. Furthermore, I was desperate to discuss the break-up of Mr. Uphilia’s engagement. I really didn’t know what was going on. I wonder why these people are saying this.

“Actually, I only allowed a little heart for Master Uphilia…”

“What do you mean?

“Because he was the one who would embarrass me properly. So I was actually using it as a great reference. It didn’t work out.”

Because I wasn’t as strong as that guy and I couldn’t end up pushing someone away. I couldn’t poke out that the mistake was a mistake. There was also the issue of the title, because I was afraid of the development of waiting ahead, which I obstinated from.

So shut your mouth and put a lid on your heart too. I also blocked my ears and closed my eyes. I must have begun to reject the world to live. It was… Lady Anis who opened it again.

“Now, I’m really calm. I think it’s a peaceful place to finally feel safe.”

I don’t hate my job as a samurai either. Silently cleaning and cleaning up is also good for the sex. Both Anis and Uphilia make me better. He knows about his powers, and he shows me how to use them.

I’m sure it seems so from the bottom of my heart that it’s a privileged time even in my entire life. I should have told you I was happy. It should be.

“… and yet you can’t. I just kind of dreamed it would rock me like this.”

“No. You must have been the mother I thought of by that time. Honestly, I envy you.”

“Envious, is it?

“Yes, Raini and his mother.”

With that said, Master Ilia carries his own brewed tea to his mouth. The graceful trick reminds me that this man is also a Viscount’s maid.

… That said, I haven’t heard much about Ilaria’s family. I’ve been away from the palace for a long time, and I’ve never seen you go home like Master Uphilia. You noticed my doubts, Master Ilia gave me an explanation.

“I look like I’m being taken care of by the house. No, you might be closer to running away from home.”

“Running away…?

“There’s nothing I can do about it when I go back. It must be my sincerity not to want to go back there. I’ve never felt warm about family.”

I open my eyes and reveal my surprise at Ilya’s words that I have never felt warm about my family. I was wondering if you have parents who think that way.

Master Ilia broke her expression there. A troublesome smile, that was a look that saw the color of emotions that you couldn’t normally see.

“I am the daughter of the Viscount family, but I was a pawn to gain power. To bond good luck and improve the voice of the house. She was just my daughter.”

“… no”

“Sometimes my father sent me to marry someone because I couldn’t find them. I wasn’t as defiant of the house as I am now. The Anisphere picked it up.”

“I don’t know what to say… what to say…”

“The marriage partner is also about his father’s age, and it’s a rumor with a colorful family. If you want my Ilaria to go there, I’ll take it! They caught me.”

“That guy, you really like to grab people”

I shrug unexpectedly remembering where I grabbed Master Uphilia. Then Master Ilia turned her eyes round and zeroed her laughter so that she was crazy and unable to indulge. Too rare.

“And then you’re not leaning on the house. So I was finally reminded that I was good to live by my will. Because the Anisphere is too lively. The Anisphere has been well reprimanded by His Majesty and the Queen.”

“For once, we’re talking about marriage…”

“Yep. Well, sometimes I disagree and it went through safely. Though I seem to have switched policies thinking that if the house was surrounded by royalty at home too, I could smoke sweet honey. Well, that’s why I’m not home. I don’t have any honey to smoke.”

Wow, spicy. That’s what I thought by accident. That was enough to tell me that Ilia had no good feelings for her parents.

“You haven’t even given up your house, it seems like you’ve left my book. Well, the honor of being chosen as a direct samurai of the princess is an honor if you don’t say the truth. It would have been a better hustle and bustle if it hadn’t been for the odd princess.”

“That’s really spicy…”

“Yep. So Raini, you seem a little jealous.”

“… my family loves me, from?

Master Ilia nods quietly…. I guess I should say that Ilia wasn’t loved by her family. I think it’s a terrible home environment, too.

That’s why I envy you. I feel strange when they say that. Even though it’s warm, for some reason, I get backward and drop my gaze again.

“… loved, I wonder”

I am not a pure person. I’m already a vampire. I’m sweet with Anis that he accepts me even when I’m a demon, and I’m not human anymore.

I can feel that people’s blood is delicious, and I can feel that the feeling of magic has become different than before. I’ve also gained my own strength. Fascination, mental interference, and then physical change. That’s not normal anymore.

I’ve never been able to control that power, and I’ve driven many people’s minds crazy. Can I live to be forgiven for that?… anxious, afraid that one day, this tranquility will be lost again.

And the favor that you love me. I was just scared when I thought that might have driven me crazy.

“At least, I’m going to love you”

“Huh?”

“I told you. My home environment sucked. I only knew that I loved people… and that I loved them. And the thought was directed only at Master Anisphere. His Majesty and I had loyalty to the Queen, but that was all I had…. Until I’m enchanted by you.”

I was shocked and opened my eyes to the words that Master Ilia smiled and uttered.

“You seem afraid that your power will drive people crazy, but from what I’ve told you, you think you’ve learned better by giving them feelings that they have no reason to know.”

“… Aren’t you afraid? ‘Cause that’s not how you were born naturally, is it?

“If you mean to do harm with it, fear it. But what should I fear from you, who are afraid and frightened?

I say with a sigh of sigh as Master Ilia was frightened. I also lose my words to that and shut up. Master Ilia flaunts her shoulders like she’s in trouble.

“You are cowardly. But that’s fine, Raini. If degrees pass, I’m going to slap you in the butt, but I’m disqualified as a lady when I’m fearless and everything goes into a broken world sticking my neck in. Be a fine lady and apprentice Master Uphilia.”

“No, I was wondering if it would be impossible to be like Anisphere on a boulder or Uphilia…”

“Yep. So you just have to choose the way of life that was at your height. It’s that prep period now. At least nobody wants anything from you while you’re away. There is also a way back as a baroness. There will also be a way to live as a squire, like me. The therapist Master Anisphere showed you? Was it? There are paths like that.”

My future forecast maps shown one after the other. That makes me feel odd thinking about it one at a time. Tickled, yet heavy. It scratches my heart even though I think I’m happy. The feeling of messing up is painful and holds my chest down.

“… Dear Ilia”

“Yes?”

“I’m sure I’m happy. That’s why I’m scared. Also, when will this happiness fall to zero? Because I remember being happy.”

As your mother is gone, I wonder if this happiness will be lost again one day, and that scares me, my heart and my legs.

So I don’t want you to touch happiness, and I want to run away. But the warmth of happiness is really comfortable, and I don’t know what to do with what I’m given in this hand.

“Then be strong.”

“… Strongly”

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“You can’t keep what you want for those who don’t grab it, even if it’s given to you.”

Master Ilia’s words are not gentle. Just poke reality at me. But there’s no pain. Hard, though painful. It tells me that’s reality.

The happiness you were protecting me from wrapping up has already been lost. That happiness seems to be taught that there is no going back. Still, there’s something left for me to say I’m happy.

“… it’s warm in here”

“Yep.”

It’s really warm. My worries are going to melt. It’s warm and I still feel comfortable.

He said he didn’t have to have another nightmare for a while. I felt like stroking my chest down.

… so maybe I should try to be a little more courageous, too, oh my god.

Later, I was out of the royal castle. It has been a long time since I’ve been out of the royal castle.

When I told him I was going out, both Ennis and Uphilia sent me off with pleasure. I really appreciate that, and I really can’t even lift my head to Ilia, who dropped me off when I left the Palace.

I won’t decorate you while you’re there. It was me. I also got time to look back at myself and accept myself. So I have to start accepting me, too.

The footsteps forward are only a little faster and I go along the nostalgic castle town to let my breath out a little. On his way was the mansion of the familiar Baron Cyan family.

“Sir, please wait inside…”

“No, but…”

“I know how you feel…”

At that entrance I saw a waiting father and an elderly butler exchanging words.

My tear glands loosen just a little when I think you’ve been waiting for me, but I smile at it and show it to you. Try never to rush your gait.

“Father!

“… Raini”

If I walked over, my father would laugh and look at me like he was relieved and warped me.

“… you’re home well”

“… Yes”

Less words, exchange greetings for a reunion. Move the place straight to your father’s private room so he can guide you.

Your father’s private room is decorated with splendid gear, demonic bones, etc. whether it’s remnants from when he was an adventurer. I’m a little scared to look at it again.

“… Was there any disabling?

“Yep. I made it better for Master Anisphere. I’ve reconciled with Master Uphilia.”

“Right…”

Your father shrugs as he closes his eyes and bites them off. The kindness of your father, who guides me first, is really warm when you feel it for a long time, losing strength from nature and body.

I stroke my chest to make sure I feel like I’m a family that I feel a little further away. It’s not like being out of the palace, but it’s a place where your mind can calm down.

“But what’s up? I was surprised to hear you were leaving.”

“I’ve got my mind sorted out, and I wanted to face the house properly.”

“… well. Arianna will be delighted.”

“How is your mother-in-law?

“After that one incident on the boulder, I was feeling down, but now I’m calm. After all, it’s been a lot of hard work for you to be seen by a senior nobleman and move on to breaking your engagement…”

Arianna Cyan, my mother-in-law. I have heard that my mother-in-law is the daughter of the Viscount family and the youngest sister of many brothers. He said he made out with your father when he became a baron because he was his last daughter and developed into an engagement as it were.

Even from my point of view, I’m close to your father. He was a kind man who made me better too when he said he wasn’t his own child…. Though that may also be the effect of my charm. Now I can push that suspicion into my mind.

“I apologize again for the inconvenience caused to the house because of me this time”

“I’m listening…. and your vampire thing. There’s nothing I could do about it.”

“… Yes”

“You didn’t know either, did you? My mother… told me Tillis was a vampire.”

I saw something like a color of regret in Tillis and his father’s voice calling his mother’s name.

I’ve heard you still love your mother. But I never heard the details. I thought it would be rude to dig for roots and leaves because my mother-in-law is here.

“I still don’t know if your mother was really a vampire. I can’t even look into it.”

“I… wondered if it would have been different if I had known I had you if I had known who Tillis was. I’ve been thinking about that all these days.”

Your father groans with a bitter face. I don’t know how your father and mother weren’t together. But from the look on your father’s face, I’m sure he didn’t want to leave.

“I love Arianna. But I never forgot Tillis…. I don’t want to betray Arianna for choosing me to be such an outlaw. But when I look at you, I don’t like it, but I remember. You look a lot like Tillis.”

“Really?

I accidentally lost my aristocratic tone. Your father circled his eyes when he replied in a tone when he was a civilian. Then I deepen my grin about what was wrong.

“Oh, it looks just like that. Just your face. Tillis was… more active.”

“I understand. We’ve been traveling together forever.”

“Right. If he was interested, he would be happy to receive troublesome requests and requests to go away.”

My father, who groans to miss the old days, feels that he really cares about the memories. Your mother was really taken care of, he said.

“… what do you want to do? Raini.”

“… what do you want, what?

“Are you going to come back here? As far as I’m concerned, you can just stay out of the palace and spend time under Master Anisphere. If it’s hard on you, you don’t have to come back here, do you? And seeing Arianna face to face… isn’t that hard? Behave as a nobleman to you, who was more civilian than you were. It’s not like you don’t know how hard it is.”

That was the word because you’re the father who went from being an adventurer feat to being a baron.

Even your father must have had a hard time. Being a nobleman and not embarrassed to live in a different world.

“I had Arianna beside me…. There were some embarrassing reasons why Tillis had been forgotten. But maybe it was my fault that I asked you to do the same…”

“Father…”

“You’re really going to disappear, and Tillis, who’s gone from my sight, is really going to be behind my brain. That’s why I wanted to keep it on hand. Like he disappeared at some point, he wants to prepare happiness with my hands if he’s about to be unhappy. I thought that was what you could do…”

“I really still appreciate that…. Father”

Look straight into your father’s eyes and I exhale to calm myself down.

“I’m still worried about how to live. But I don’t think it’s up to me to decide right away. So now, I want to stay like this. Not yet… I just want to be a parent and child”

“Raini……”

“Of course, with your mother-in-law…. because your father loved me as his daughter. ‘Cause I haven’t been able to repay the feelings that made me happy.”

I really wanted you to take me out. from a world that is just painful. Therefore it was not bitter to be a daughter of nobility. Even if further suffering awaited them…. I can’t believe I ever told you how I felt.

“As good as your mother, your father is your father”

“… uhh… yeah,”

“Thanks for finding me. Thank you for giving me my family again. I want to take care of this house more. I want to be your father’s daughter, who sees me as a daughter, even if I’m not a normal person.”

My wish is to repay you. To the people who gave me something to replace the happiness I lost.

To the father who brought me out into this world, to the mother-in-law who accepted me. To Lady Annis, who saved me, to Lady Uphilia, who gave me forgiveness. To Ilia, who shows me how to live.

I neglected that fact when I found out I was a vampire. Even now, it’s not yet accepted. Still, I don’t want to just be stopped and given anymore.

The only one who grabs happiness is one who tries to grab it with this hand. Because you told me so, I want to grab one so that I can be sure, although it may be an unreliable hand.

“… well. Then come back anytime.”

Your father laughed calmly and walked over to me and stroked my head. I close my eyes unexpectedly to the feel of a big man’s hand, that gobbly hand.

If I say I have no anxiety, I lie. My identity may be misaligned, or I may fail because I’m not good enough. Still, I can’t grasp anything for not walking out.

I can’t shine like those people, but I want to move on myself.

“Father.”

“… what?

“I’m home now”

To one of my words, your father warped his face and said, “Welcome back.”