Chapter 44.3: Regretful

“The only person I have ever truly loved and lost is Li Rong.”

Pei Wenxuan had just finished bidding others farewell when he turned around and saw Li Rong waiting for him at the doors, warming his heart a little. He walked over with a smile and stopped by Li Rong’s side. He assessed her from top to bottom before arching his eyebrows and asking: “Your Highness seems rather happy to have secured a great victory today?”

Li Rong bowed her head and smiled: “Pei daren also seems rather happy today.”

“If it weren’t for Your Highness bullying me, how could there be times when I’m not unhappy?”

As Pei Wenxuan walked back with Li Rong, he asked out of curiosity: “What did you all do in the Imperial Garden? Was there some fun and exciting event today?”

Li Rong told Pei Wenxuan all about what happened in the Imperial Garden, and the two of them spoke as they got into the carriage. Pei Wenxuan let out a regretful sigh: “The world of women has always been so astounding.”

“You can join as well.” Li Rong laughed.

Pei Wenxuan hurriedly waved it off with his hand: “Forget it, forget it. There’s no need. Only Your Excellency the Princess can handle this kind of situation.”

Li Rong softly chuckled and didn’t say anything else. She turned her head and looked out the window.

At the moment, they were already beyond the palace gates, and the bright moon was shining overhead beyond the window. She quietly gazed at the moon and slowly said: “The new moon will always become a full moon.[1] Pei Wenxuan, would you say that what is predestined has always been difficult to change?”

[1] Often extended to mean that people will inevitably meet again even after being separated.

Pei Wenxuan found it a little strange when Li Rong suddenly came up with such a question, so he couldn’t help but say: “What are you asking?”

“Today, I suddenly understood why Chuan’er came to like Qin Zhenzhen.”

Li Rong turned to look at Pei Wenxuan: “With Chuan’er’s personality, to meet someone like that in the palace, it’s hardly strange he came to like her.”

Pei Wenxuan said nothing. He looked into Li Rong’s eyes, and for a moment, he seemed to understand what she meant: “But why are you telling me this?”

“Have you thought about what you will do after the divorce?”

Li Rong looked at him curiously. Pei Wenxuan quietly looked back at Li Rong, feeling a sense of bitterness slowly rising, but the smile on his lips did not falter: “I haven’t thought much about it.”

“When Qin Zhenzhen died in the previous life, didn’t you have any regrets?”

Pei Wenxuan was silent. He only looked at Li Rong with a smile as Li Rong continued: “I know you hold her dear in your heart. In the previous life, when she departed early, you must have felt guilty towards her. You are the kind of person who has never thought of asking for anything in return from the person you like, but in this life, you should put in a bit more effort for her sake.”

“Put in a bit more effort and do what?”

Pei Wenxuan tucked his hands away into his sleeves and leaned against one of the carriage walls, listening as Li Rong calmly said: “She is now of marriageable age, and it will be about three years before you and I can smoothly get to where we need to be. If you don’t promise her now, I’m afraid she’ll already be married to someone else by then. I used to say it, mostly as a joke, but today, I’m speaking to you in all seriousness,” Li Rong looked up at him, “You should still do something.”

“Such as?”

“I told her that I helped her today because of you. I also told her that there are no feelings between us and that we will amicably divorce in three years. She did not react, I just left first. We can arrange some opportunities for you to meet up with her later on. You both already have feelings for each other, so you can just be good to her, then confess to her. Once you have exchanged tokens and vows, we will send word to Qin Lin and send her to the north to go into hiding for these three years. After we divorce,” Li Rong laughed and brought her eyes up to Pei Wenxuan, “I will go and propose marriage on your behalf.”

Pei Wenxuan did not say a word. He quietly looked at Li Rong.

Li Rong was a little puzzled: “Why aren’t you saying anything?”

“What else is there for me to say?” Pei Wenxuan let out a laugh, “Hasn’t Your Highness already made sufficient preparations for it all? Isn’t it clear where everyone stands in your heart and what they should do?”

“If you are dissatisfied,” Li Rong said slowly, “You can tell me. Do you feel that sending her to the north is wronging her?”

Pei Wenxuan couldn’t listen to it anymore. He stood up and shouted: “Stop the carriage!”

The carriage abruptly stopped. Pei Wenxuan lifted the curtain and jumped out.

Li Rong was stunned. She could only catch a glimpse of Pei Wenxuan from the back before she saw that he had already gotten out of the carriage. She didn’t understand why she felt that they seemed to have suddenly returned to that point in their previous life. Whenever Pei Wenxuan was upset, unlike her he would not say much, he would lose his temper after arguing for a bit, then he would just leave.

It was just that in the past, they would simply quarrel when they wanted to, but when Pei Wenxuan left like this today, she felt a little uncomfortable. She didn’t know if it was because so many things happened today that exhausted her state of mind that it left her feeling this way.

She controlled her emotions and calmly gave the order to the people outside: “Send people to follow the Prince Consort so that nothing happens to him. We will head back first.”

There came a nervous response from outside. Li Rong brought a hand up to hold her forehead and felt the carriage moving again.

Pei Wenxuan had his back turned to Li Rong’s carriage as he kept walking forward, anger welling up in his heart.

He didn’t even know what he was angry about.

He knew what Li Rong’s personality was like.

Li Rong was the kind of person that would make proper arrangements once she had decided on something.

She believed that he still had Qin Zhenzhen in his heart, so she felt that Qin Zhenzhen was his one regret of a lifetime, and he should make up for it.

She guessed that Li Chuan would still come to like Qin Zhenzhen but felt that Qin Zhenzhen should not be with Li Chuan because nothing good will come out of it for either of them.

So she chose the path with the best outcome and let Qin Zhenzhen be with him.

That was not to say that she was in the wrong because she had everyone’s best interests in mind and hoped that everyone could have a good life.

How could she be blamed for that?

But Pei Wenxuan simply felt uncomfortable, unspeakably uncomfortable as he walked off in the opposite direction with his back still turned to the carriage. When he heard the sound of the carriage wheels turning behind him, he suddenly came to a stop.

For a moment, he remembered the countless times he had to look at Li Rong’s back in his previous life.

He turned back and watched as the carriage gradually moved further and further away. He watched in silence, then a moment later, he gritted his teeth and ran back. When he caught up with the carriage, he hit the side of the carriage while loudly shouting: “Stop! Stop the carriage for me!”

Li Rong was startled by Pei Wenxuan’s actions, and the carriage also stopped in response. Li Rong immediately lifted the curtain with her golden fan and coldly looked at Pei Wenxuan, who was standing next to the carriage, and angrily asked: “What are you losing your mind over?”

Seeing that the two of them appeared to be quarreling, the coachman quickly jumped down from the carriage and left. In an instant, there was no one left in the surrounding area, and it was just the two of them. Pei Wenxuan stared intently at Li Rong, tightly gripping the side of the carriage as he coldly said: “Li Rong, let me tell you. If you want to decide on my affairs in the future, you have to at least ask first and see if I am willing or not.”

Li Rong was left standing dumbfounded in place. Pei Wenxuan spoke very quickly as if he was venting about something: “The kind of person you think I am, what you think I want, what you think I should do—these are all things you should be getting my permission for beforehand.”

“It turns out you wanted me to confess my sins before everyone,”[2] Li Rong forced a smile, “Like what? What have I misunderstood about Pei daren today that has angered Pei daren so much?”

[2] Along the lines of: “raising an army to force the other person to confess”; figuratively, it’s a way of harshly criticizing someone in a public setting, think pitchfork interrogation energy

Pei Wenxuan didn’t say a word and just looked at her. Her expression was as calm as always, as if nothing could make her waver at all. It was clear that the two of them were like people standing in the heavy, pouring rain, except he had already cut a sorry figure while she remained calm and graceful, unperturbed in the least.

He was both bitter and resentful, so resentful that he wanted to come forward and drag this person down with him and roll around in the dirty mud together.

But Pei Wenxuan could not bear to do so. Because in his heart, Li Rong should remain as she was for a lifetime.

He could only look at her in this manner, using his eyes to express everything that had been bottled up, but he couldn’t say a single word.

But he clearly knew that if he didn’t say it, he would be no different than in his previous life, hiding it all along.

In that case, this life would be no different than the previous one.

So after a long time, Pei Wenxuan struggled to speak as he said it, word by word and with great difficulty: “I don’t like Qin Zhenzhen.”

“I know,” Li Rong could immediately understand after hearing it and slowly reassured him: “In any case, after all these years, it’s impossible for you to like her as much as you had in the past. But the truth is…”

“There is no other truth, and there was no such thing as liking her in the past!”

Pei Wenxuan interrupted her and shouted: “I didn’t have those kinds of feelings for her when I was young!”

Li Rong was taken aback, and once Pei Wenxuan said this, the rest seemed to just naturally flow out. He looked at her, approached her and earnestly continued: “I never thought about her. I never missed her. I never went out and saw a hairpin on the street that I wanted to buy for her, and never have I thought about wanting to kiss her.”

“It’s just that when I was young, they all told me that she would be my wife, so I always thought that this was what love was like.”

“But later on, I met someone,” Pei wenxuan looked at Li Rong, his eyes tinged with a glistening watery layer, as if bearing a trace of a smile, “I was happy when I saw that she was happy, and I was worried when I saw her upset. When I see her looking at a hairpin, I will keep it in mind, and when she smiles, I feel that there could not be another winter in this world.”

“I miss her when she’s not here. Even when I’m just going to the official bureau, I think of writing back to her. I would think about how many children we would have, and how I want to grow old with her.”

“Li Rong,” Pei Wenxuan took a deep breath, “I truly don’t have any regrets for Qin Zhenzhen. The fact is she died, and as a friend, as an elder brother, I did everything I could, but I never thought about spending the rest of my life with her again. If I had thought about it for even just a moment, I would not have gone to the spring banquet.”

“If I had any regrets…”

Pei Wenxuan’s voice trailed off. He looked at Li Rong, and after a while, he hoarsely said: “Then it would just be you.”

“Because the only person I have loved and lost,” Pei Wenxuan laughed. It was the kind of smile that was on the verge of tears: “…is you, Li Rong.”

The author has something to say:

【Mini Theater】

Li Rong: “If we quarrel, then we’ll quarrel. Why are you all running so far away?”

Coachman: “So it’s convenient to give you both as much free rein as possible.”

Li Rong: “Free rein to do what? Is he going to hit me?”

Onlookers: “He can’t hit you, but he can kiss you.”

Li Rong: “…”

(Later on)

Li Rong: “We’re going to quarrel now, please stand further away.”

Pei Wenxuan: “Yes, yes, I want to kiss my dear wife, so please stand further away.”

Li Rong: “…”