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Chapter 45: Family
A short pause of silence centred around me as I got up from my seat and raised my voice. The two of them were surprised by my words and attitude, but did not speak up.
As if to criticize my mother, I speak out without caring. I appeal to her about my feelings.
“I told you when we met before, didn’t I? It was hard for me.”
I was so upset that day that the words came out as if they were leaking out. That was also one of my true feelings.
And that feeling is still etched in my heart as a scar that will never go away. It is a wound that will probably not disappear easily.
Before, I didn’t even bother to disinfect it, I just covered it with a cloth from the top.
But that’s not enough. That’s why I have to say it.
Say it. Don’t be afraid.
Not by accident, but by chance. Tell them of your own volition.
”I was always alone. Feeling sad. I couldn’t go out to play, I was isolated from Sachi, and I was lonesome and sad. I didn’t know what I did wrong. Or rather, I didn’t make any mistakes, but I felt frustrated that I was called a mistake. But there was nothing I could do about it.”
What I say is not much different from that time. But this time, perhaps because I was a little calmer, I felt that each word was filled with meaning.
I can speak in my own words.
”I’m still in pain. I will probably never forget this wound. I think it will stay in my heart for a long, long time.”
I still remember it at the slightest moment. It’s not just when I’m in pain, but also when I’m happy.
That’s why I—
”Sorry
 I’m sorry, Shuya.”
In front of me is my mother’s whiskers. Her head is in a lowered position. She seemed to have managed to hold back until halfway through, but it seems to have finally broken down. I can’t see her face, but I’m sure she’s crying. It was clear from the fact that her voice was trembling.
But no. What I want to hear, what I want her to say, is not that.
”—-That is not what I want.”
”
.. Shuya?”
Mom raises her face and looks up at me as if to ask about my expression.
”It’s nothing
 I know that you’re sorry, you know, I understand that.”
It’s obvious. It’s not so easy to admit guilt.
This is just a rambling thing, but I had no intention of telling my grandfathers what had been going on. If Mum hadn’t told them, this would have been our problem for a long time.
Looking at my mum who did it, I don’t think that she feels any differently about it. That feeling has long been conveyed to me.
”But I still couldn’t let it go, that’s why I came here today. So what I want to hear from you is not an apology.”
I don’t want to be apologised to. Yes, today I—-
”I want to talk to you. I want to talk to you because I haven’t been able to until now. I want to hear how you’ve been feeling, what you thought of me, what I did wrong.”
”You’re wrong. Shuya didn’t make a mistake!”
Mom says so. But something must have been wrong with me.
There was a right answer, there was a future where the three of us could live together in harmony, I am sure. With the right attitude, it could have come true.
But I made a mistake. I don’t feel bad about that.
Yes, to put it that way, I was unlucky. Decisively, we didn’t match up.
So I have to ask. Tell me what was wrong and what crossed my path.
—-Half of it is to say. No, it’s more of a pretext.
“I want to hear your true feelings, Mom.”
”What do you really want to hear?”
This is probably all there is to it.
If I don’t ask her, she won’t be able to talk.
Because that would be an act of blaming me.
What did she not like about me? I’m sure that her current feelings won’t allow her to talk about it.
But I want to hear it. If I don’t, I can’t move on.
”I want to hear everything that she thought about me until now. No need to make things up, just tell it like it is.”
This is probably the most painful thing for her.
At the moment, she is probably feeling lost within herself. The conflict can be seen in her facial expression.
”It’s all right, Mom.”
”
.Sachi.”
Sachi gently holds Mom’s hand. Surely that is more powerful and more supportive for my mother than anything else.
“I
you know, couldn’t look at Shuya’s smile.”
Then, as if determined, she began to speak. The words were weak, but they were full of will.
”When your father died, I didn’t know what was going on anymore, my head was all messed up and I couldn’t sort it out, but Shuya was smiling at that time.”
The sentence sounds as if it blames me, but the way the words are spun, I could tell that it was all about self-blame.
“At that time, when Sachi was in a state of depression, I didn’t have time to be sad. It was hard for me, too, because I was your mother.”
Tears streamed down her cheeks.
”Once I thought that, I couldn’t stop. Why is Shuya so unconcerned? Why is he smiling? I thought, ‘Why am I in so much pain?”
“Sachi gradually started to smile again, and I felt that only Mom was still in pain. Thanks to Shuya, Sachi was able to get better, but I still think about it. Why am I the only one in pain?”
”It was hard, it was painful, and to be honest my heart was crushed. But seeing Shuya so unconcerned
”
”Say it properly.”
I said that to my mother, whose words were cut off.
“—I was sick of it. To be honest, it was hard for me to look at Shuya’s face.”
“
.I see.”
”I know. That Shuya did not intend to do so. Even so, at that time, I gave a reason like that and ran away from the suffering. I looked away. By creating another problem like that, I blamed all the sadness on Shuya
”
”
Yeah.”
”So – —thank you so much, Shuya. For not abandoning a mother like me.”
”
!”
I felt my lachrymal glands suddenly loosen. Or, rather, it would break down immediately if it were loosened any further.
Ah, I see. I finally understand.
I think I’m simple myself. I think I’m a bit naive for complaining and rejecting like this.
Just one word of thanks made me happy.
It was something I had been waiting for.
Sachi and Mom both seem to have stopped damming up the tears that flow. I just let it be.
“—You are welcome, Mom.”
She couldn’t have given up on me.
She wouldn’t let that happen. No one else, but my beloved sister.
It was Sachi who kept us together.
”Thank you, Sachi.”
” No, it’s the same to you!”
For a while we didn’t say anything, we just cried. It felt like a long time ago.
No doubt, it was a new step for us.
So let’s call this a new beginning.
“—Mom, I have a proposal.”
“　
 A proposal?”
This was my original reason for coming here today. I’ve asked Sachi’s permission.
”Me and Sachi will live with Grandpa.”
”! R-right. Yes, —I understand”
Clearly discouraged expression. Well, we’re not done talking yet.
Mom doesn’t know what’s going on. Like I said already.
“That’s why you can’t just give up so easily.”
“—-B-but!”
“No but”
I said that with a look that I wouldn’t accept it. Mom flinched a little, but soon opened her mouth.
”—-I really, really want to! The three of us to be together again
’
Mom had a look on her face that I had never seen before when she said that. It reminded me of a child being selfish.
”—Then, I’ve got a proposal for you.”
The reply I had prepared in advance. If Mom says so, then there will be no more problems.
“Why don’t the three of us move to Grandpa’s place?”