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Chapter 18: Back
Posted on June 2, 2022by Soafp
Translator: Soafp
[Before the restaurant]
[Sachi PoV]
”I’m home, Mother.”
”… Welcome home, Sachi.”
After school, I had come home to talk to my mom once.
I had called her beforehand, so she was not surprised.
Mom and I sat down at the table and faced each other, without any particular indication of what would happen.
I initiated the conversation.
“As I thought, Onii-chan wasn’t bullying anyone.”
”…I see.”
That’s all she said.
Just two words. She did not seem surprised by my words.
Seeing her like that, the doubts I was beginning to feel were becoming more and more certain.
”Hey, can I ask you one question?”
I thought it would be better to confirm this directly than to ask in a roundabout way, so I asked.
Mom responded to my question with a nod.
“Mom—–“
I asked with such a feeling that I hoped I was imagining things.
”When did you realize that Onii-chan was not lying?”
[Mother’s PoV]
The death of my beloved husband came suddenly one day.
It was a car accident.
How could this happen?
Everything was going well.
I married the love of my life and had two children.
One of them was just sweet and gentle, and the other one grew up healthy and active.
The only thing that remained was a sense of hopelessness and anxiety about the hardships ahead.
But I couldn’t stay depressed forever.
I had to protect the proof that he was alive, and the life I had nurtured with him, alone.
My head thinking this and my heart not being able to keep up. I felt as if my body had been torn apart.
And Shuya recovered faster than I did.
He patiently took Sachi, who had been depressed, out of the house and patiently kept up with his sister, who had not recovered very well.
”—Why…”
Seeing him like that, I was driven by a feeling of disbelief.
I wondered how he could get back on his feet, how he could laugh so much when it was so painful.
I wondered if I wasn’t sad.
”—Whose fault is it..”
Such thoughts come to mind that I’m not even allowed to think about.
—-don’t, don’t. That’s not what I’m thinking.
”Shuya can’t play soccer…”
If I hadn’t done it, this wouldn’t have happened.
Even though I understood that there was no point in such an assumption, I still could not stop.
I had to blame someone else to face reality.
Then, one day, my thoughts were directly directed at Shuya.
“! ENOUGH OF THIS!”
“Eh …Mom?”
Shuya was trying to take Sachi outside that day as well.
And in his hand was a soccer ball.
He didn’t think anything of that day.
He doesn’t even grieve for his father’s death.
IT’S BECAUSE OF YOU HE….!!
After this day, I began to have a cold attitude toward Shuya.
[Sachi PoV]
“Maybe I knew somewhere in my heart that Shuya didn’t mean for it to be sad. But once I thought that, once I took that attitude, I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t look at Shuya with straight eyes anymore.”
”I thought it would be easier after Shuya left home. But I was wrong. I have been suffering for a long time, and nothing has changed.”
“Then I finally realized that it was not Shuya’s fault that I was in pain. It’s just a matter of course.”
”But by then, there were no more words I could say to Shuya.”
I just listened to my mother’s story in silence.
I knew what she was thinking.
But she never answered my questions.
“Did mother know? That Onii-chan wasn’t a bully.”
Again, I ask.
This is something I have to ask.
“I knew, or rather, I was already aware of it.”
The prediction came true.
I thought it was strange. The fact that she refused to live with Onii-chan, but acknowledged me staying with him, and her concern about the inconvenience it would cause him.
“As I thought…since when did that happen?”
”It was a little while after Shuya left home … After I realized that it was not Shuya’s fault that I was suffering. When I thought back to the time when I was told that Shuya was the main bully, I thought that maybe it was true and I was the one who was wrong.”
Mother continues.
”When I thought it was someone other than Shuya who was lying, it made sense, or at least it seemed that way to me.”
Mom noticed it, too. She knew that what she had done to him at that time was wrong.
And yet…
”Why did you leave Onii-chan alone?”
Why didn’t she see Onii-chan, even though she knew she was wrong? Why didn’t you talk to him?
”—I was afraid that he would hate me. Or, more precisely, to be told so clearly.”
She continues.
“If I apologized and was not accepted, I knew that this time I would not be able to recover.”
She continues.
”As long as I was pointing out mistakes, it was easy. I could think that I was right. But I was so afraid to admit I was wrong.”
She continues.
”Sachi is the only reason I’ve been able to endure. Because you never left me alone.”
No stopping.
“And despite that—- I left Shuya alone, even though he wasn’t lonely.
Regret is expelled as sobs.
”So when Sachi went to Shuya, I was happy. Because there was someone other than myself who would not leave Shuya alone. I didn’t have the courage or the qualifications to face him.”
I see. I understand the situation.
It was hard on Mom, too. I understand that.
But…
”Shuya will never forgive me again. So, Sachi, about your brother…”
”—DON’T GIVE ME THIS CRAP!!”
I raised my voice and slammed the desk hard.
My mother was surprised at my unexpected act, which I usually don’t show.
”I DON’T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THAT…!”
Putting my own sins on the shelf, I still say.
Non-negotiable. Absolutely non-negotiable.
“I want the three of us to be together again, Mom.”
“….Sachi.”
I found myself crying.
Through sobs, I continued.
“He may not forgive me. He may not accept me. But I still don’t want to give up!”
Because, because we…
”We’ve always been a family of four, right?”
It will take time. But still—
“I know you really want to make up with Onii-chan, right, Mom? Well, if that’s the case! Don’t give up on him!”
I went up to my mother and hugged her. Her body was trembling.
“I will never leave him alone. That’s why you have to hang in there, okay? Mom.”
“—I’m sorry, Sachi.”
Mom’s voice was shaky, but she spoke.
”I’m sorry for being so pathetic. I’m sorry I had to have my daughter push my back.”
Pressing her face against my chest, she continued.
” I also want to make things right with Shuya. I’ll do my best to get things back to normal…”
—-Thank you.
Saying this, mom wiped away those tears.