Seeing Shen Zhifan who was still rather at a loss, Yan Shuo couldn’t help but change the subject.
He still wouldn’t believe that – no, how should he say it – to Shen Zhifan, Yan Shuo was only a symbol. There was no need for Shen Zhifan to tell him everything…and Yan Shuo didn’t want to force him to.
“En…it was.”
Shen Zhifan nodded, wrenching his thoughts off that moment from years ago and fiddling back and forth with the drink in his hands. The ice-cold bottle on his fingertips helped him calm down a little, but he was still bewildered by this sudden piece of news.
“Then,” Yan Shuo sighed, “Do you still remember our first meeting?”
Shen Zhifan paused and looked at him blankly again.
“It was seven years ago,” Yan Shuo turned his eyes away, leaving Shen Zhifan with only a silhouette of his side profile. This angle of his face was quite stereoscopic; the line of the tip of his nose to his lips, then down to his chin, was very sharp, “On N-192, you don’t remember the things from that time anymore?”
Seven years ago?
Shen Zhifan’s throat moved slightly, his pupils unconsciously shrinking.
Seven years ago he’d been sixteen. It was the age that the current him knew best, but it was also quickly becoming the most unfamiliar age to him now.
He even remembered what he had for dinner last night, and three days from that day would’ve been the monthly exam. Every day, the fatty that was his deskmate would shove snacks at him to try bribing him to help him cheat. He also remembered Shen Zhirou openly selling his photos, making his school life completely inconvenient…
However, he didn’t remember the explosion that’d blasted everything into dust seven years ago. Seven years ago, his parents had died, and seven years ago…he’d actually met Yan Shuo.
But why would the majestic, young, and promising Major General of the Interstellar Empire have any connection with the dirt planet known as N-192?
Since everything had happened seven years ago, why was it that…he just couldn’t remember these things. To him, it seemed more like the future with his apparent separation to these facts, rather than something that was from the past.
“I…actually, I…” Shen Zhifan helplessly tried to explain, but regardless of how hard he tried, under this layer of skin, he was still that sixteen-year-old youth. The confusion caused by this seven-year vacancy had been interrupted when he’d found out about his parents’ passing, and so he hadn’t wanted to find out about it, but now he was becoming aware of how much he wanted to know what happened in those seven years, “I was recently injured, previously back in the Mech League…I didn’t realise it at first, but I recently found that I’ve forgotten a lot of things, you would know…that I wouldn’t be able to speak of this casually.”
He used this vague, compromising approach, although this was also the reason he’d used to convince himself.
There was definitely a reason for his amnesia, but from head to toe, there was nothing wrong with him. Unconsciously, he’d also felt that it was brought about by the high-risk sport that was Mech League, where one could easily sustain injuries.
“I really can’t think back to the things that happened seven years ago, exactly what happened, please…you must tell me.”
He’d originally thought that temporarily, he wouldn’t be able to find out about the accident seven years ago since Shen Zhirou was unclear on it. However, he never would’ve thought that there would be someone in the know right in front of him.
He desperately wanted to know everything that had taken place that year as well as the seven years afterwards.
With a blank face, Yan Shuo turned his eyes to see translucent, crystalline tears trickling down from the youth’s eyes.
“I’m sorry,” Shen Zhifan covered his eyes with his palms to cover up his loss of control. His body curved forward slightly, with his elbows propped on his knees, “I…I just thought of my parents, who passed away seven years ago, I…”
Yan Shuo fell silent, a slight restraint in his eyes.
Shen Zhifan cried silently, without a single loud sob. His control was very good, it was just that his silence made one feel the suppression of his emotions; it was like a cold current pressed under a canyon, noiselessly passing through. The slight trembling of his back was the only thing that was telling to Yan Shuo.
His heart suddenly softened into a puddle of water, completely muddled. Even though he looked totally unaffected, with his cold, handsome appearance seeming like it was an unalterable stone fortress, unchanging in a sandstorm, one would never have thought that inside this person’s heart was something that was as soft as the first flowers in the spring breeze.
He was deeply aware that this was the sixteen-year-old Shen Zhifan, and therefore this was the youth that he restrained his yearning for deep in the roots of his heart. He had already missed the chance to touch his face, so when he thought about it afterwards, the roots would emit a faint pain. That kind of hidden suffering would make one feel as if there was an insect nibbling at those roots, causing pain slowly but surely.
The Shen Zhifan from the future had already become untouchable. To say nothing of him weeping by his side like this, Shen Zhifan had already grown into a beam of mild moonlight, cold and translucent. As he had been completely steeped in heartless cruelty through the months and years, even his words were extraordinarily precious.
Yan Shuo couldn’t help but think it was his own fault. He gently placed his palm on Shen Zhifan’s back, wanting to comfort him.
The roots of this tree had originally rotted beneath a hard layer of soil, and were now untouchable. Yet someone had now stubbornly uprooted the tree in its entirety, removing the deeply buried mess of roots and returning it to the form of a young sapling in order to let it start again. <sup>1</sup> This is a long-winded metaphor that basically describes szf as a tree and his situation as being uprooted and transformed back into a sapling for a fresh start. I was so confused when I first read it like – why tf is the author suddenly going on about tree roots??? Is this the right novel?? Big thanks to thisbro for being my saviour lol.
This couldn’t be better, there was nothing bad about it, it was exceedingly good, really.
“I’m sorry.”
He said softly, his fingers somewhat longingly stroking at the others’ back.
Shen Zhifan’s back was quite slender. Yan Shuo could feel the joints of his spine wrapped under the thin skin, solid yet supple.
“No, it’s not because of you,” When Shen Zhifan relaxed his hands, his emotions had already stabilised. It was only the corners of his eyes that were still smudged with a light, rippling red, “Please, tell me something.”
No , Yan Shuo looked at him, he hadn’t been apologising for that .
Yan Shuo had been apologising for, at that time, not being able to find him earlier. If it wasn’t for that…he wouldn’t have missed that ineffable youth.
“At that time, there was an accident while I was on a mission,” Yan Shuo turned his eyes away, his hands curling into fists. He didn’t dare glance at the other man, for fear that he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from kissing Shen Zhifan’s brow, “I was in such dire straits that it was a narrow escape. Fortunately, there was a wormhole at that time, and in order to stay alive, I gambled on it and thankfully won. The place where I landed just happened to be N-192.”
Shen Zhifan’s chest suddenly tightened.
“Do you…still remember the date?”
Yan Shuo fell silent for a moment, while Shen Zhifan felt that he was forcing him a little, again. After all, this had happened seven years ago, perhaps it was too hard to recall.
“I remember, it was September 16th of the 26th year.”
Shen Zhifan’s lips parted slightly, and with a somewhat disheartened air, his head drooped.
So it was like this… this surely hadn’t happened accidentally , Shen Zhifan thought with his head down.
For the yesterday that he could recall, it had been the fifteenth of September.
Why had he forgotten? Why had his memory stubbornly come to an end right on this day, and what kind of force had precisely selected that point in time, right on the day before this incident?
This strange discovery made Shen Zhifan feel both anxious and panicky. He began to realise that this memory loss of his didn’t seem to be arbitrary; instead, it seemed like a precisely engineered scheme.
But who could manipulate his memories so accurately, aside from himself?
The more Shen Zhifan thought, the more his lips paled. He felt that it was inconceivable and he was completely at a loss.
“…what is it?” Yan Shuo was somewhat aware – but in the end, he was still Shen Zhifan. He didn’t know what the latter was thinking.
“It’s nothing, I…just wanted to know that when the explosion happened on N-192, were you still there? It should’ve been in the same year.”
Yan Shuo became silent for a long while, before he said softly, “I’m sorry, at that time I had already left.”
Shen Zhifan was somewhat disappointed, but also secretly let out a sigh of relief. How was he to explain, just then he had been a little afraid…afraid that Yan Shuo had been connected to the explosion on N-192.
“I deeply regret the explosion on N-192,” It was as if Yan Shuo knew what he had been thinking, “But it was unrelated to me – at that time, I received the news about a month after I had left. It wasn’t just N-192, but the whole N stellar system was affected, and the destroyed planets numbered in the thousands. This was an extremely major incident and disturbed the higher-ups, but it was dealt with the very ambiguously – as if it had involved something unknown.”
“I…I wasn’t trying to question you.” Shen Zhifan, afraid that he had been misunderstood, tried to explain.
“No, it’s alright.” Yan Shuo looked into his eyes, and thought inside his heart.
You don’t know that I would rather have had something to do with that explosion; at least, at that time, I would’ve been by your side.
“How about telling me about the first time we met?” Shen Zhifan changed the subject. Thinking about this, his mood lightened a little, “I must’ve happily asked you for your autograph, right? Just like I did…the last time I saw you.”
Yan Shuo laughed a little, “Actually, you didn’t. Since I had a serious injury at that time, you probably…simply didn’t recognise me.”
Shen Zhifan was a little overwhelmed, “Did I save you?”
“En.” Yan Shuo dropped his eyes down, quietly gazing at him, “Is it a bit cliché?”
“No – not at all!”
Silently, Shen Zhifan avoided his gaze, and repented in his heart.
This kind of plot, when he was young…it had happened in one of those kinds of dreams.
—
The author has something to say:
Very good, tomorrow we can start that kind of♂dream♂play.
1
This is a long-winded metaphor that basically describes szf as a tree and his situation as being uprooted and transformed back into a sapling for a fresh start. I was so confused when I first read it like – why tf is the author suddenly going on about tree roots??? Is this the right novel?? Big thanks to thisbro for being my saviour lol.