I slightly bowed my head to hide my face. It was a pity that I didnât have my bangs to cover my face at this moment. If I had known, I wouldnât have cut them. Regret welled up inside me. I tried not to show my nervousness as I moved my steps.
When I stood opposite Joelly, she handed me a flower decoration and pushed Alicia, who was standing beside her, to the back.
"Ann, hurry up. We donât have much time."
"Ah, yes. I understand."
I glanced at Alicia and then stood behind Joelly. First, I combed through her tangled golden hair and then twisted it up. I secured it with small pins and placed the flower decoration on top.
Joelly smiled contentedly as she looked at herself in the mirror.
"Ann has good hands."
"Thank you."
I bowed and stepped back. I bowed my head even deeper, feeling it wasnât enough.
"âŚNice to meet you. Iâm Ann."
Even speaking a single word made me tremble. My slightly parted lips quivered. I secretly swallowed and tried to calm my racing heart, speaking as slowly and clearly as I could. A light introduction, just enough.
The gaze on my head felt piercing. There was no response. His attitude felt stiff, but in a way, it was natural. I smiled bitterly and calmly waited for him to acknowledge me.
"First time isnât it."
Instantly, my heart sank. My mind was a jumble of confusion. I slightly raised my eyes, which I had lowered, and saw his emerald eyes staring at me.
I moved my lips a few times but eventually closed them. I wanted to ask what he meant, but I couldnât.
Did he recognize me?
Did he really recognize me?
His eyes, which had lost their dullness, now sparkled. The emerald eyes slowly scanned me. Although I had bowed my head, the absence of my bangs might have revealed my unattractive face to him. Realizing this, I had to suppress the urge to run away.
But I donât want to avoid him.
If he really recognized meâŚ
"Ugly."
âŚUgly?
"Robert used to call you that, I think."
"�"
He murmured as if deep in thought. I pondered what he meant. Then something came to mind. The overwhelming emotion I felt was shattered.
"Robert and I saw you when we came out of the forest. Probably."
"ForestâŚinside?"
The nannyâs sharp gaze immediately flew toward me. My heart trembled for a different reason. Miss Nanny, Iâm sorry.
The usually calm nanny was burning with anger when it came to Robert. I glanced at the nanny and then, unfortunately, my eyes met Vincentâs again. I must have raised my head halfway, exposing my face to him. I missed the chance to bow my head.
When he saw my face, his eyes widened. Then he looked at Alicia before turning back to me.
I immediately understood what his gaze and the brief distortion of his face meant.
"You donât look alike at all."
"âŚ"
Then he turned to Joelly.
"Finish up quickly. Iâll wait outside."
"Got it."
After hearing Joellyâs response, Vincent glanced at the sleeping Robert. He stroked Robertâs golden hair once and then stood up from the sofa. He left the room with the same calm steps he had entered with. His back, which never turned to look back, disappeared as the door closed.
Thud. Even after the door closed, my gaze couldnât leave it. Vincentâs words echoed in my ears. I tried to decipher what they meant.
âYou donât look alike at all.â
âYour sisters are so different.â
âYouâre so terrible.â
The words I had heard before rang out one after another.
My face flushed with shame.
* * *
âYou owe your life to that face.â
A woman said this to me as I was putting the washed clothes into a basket. The village had only one river, so the women gathered there to gossip and do their laundry. Therefore, there was nothing we could hide about our family affairs or the secrets of others.
However, her sudden words made my mind slow down. Not understanding what she meant, I looked up at her. The woman, with her arms crossed, clicked her tongue in pity.
âIf it werenât for that face, would you still be breathing now? You would have been sold like your siblings or beaten to death. Instead, how fortunate it is that you were born with that face.â
ââŚâ
âThatâs a blessing, you know.â
Hearing this, I rolled my eyes. I tried to understand what she meant by âfortunate.â But no matter how much I thought about it, I couldnât find an answer, only more questions.
âWhy?â
âWhat?â
âWhy is that fortunate? Why should I be grateful for being born like this? Why should I consider it a blessing to be alive while my siblings are gone?â
It was a genuine curiosity. I didnât understand why my appearance should be considered fortunate. Could surviving under a demon be considered a blessing? I was truly curious. Did you really think that way?
The woman was taken aback. The other women, who had been watching from behind her, avoided my gaze and looked around. My gaze, which had briefly met theirs, returned to the woman in front of me.
âThis is not a blessing, but a tragedy.â
My life is nothing but a tragedy. Saying this, I slightly lifted the corner of my mouth. The suffocating bangs that covered my face were a product of my tragedy.
This was neither a blessing nor a fortune. But I gave up. Struggling against something that couldnât change was meaningless. My life had always been like that. Since nothing about me could change, I couldnât change either. I had even wondered if death would be a happier ending.
I had encouraged Vincent to be brave, but I couldnât muster the courage myself. I hadnât even thought about being brave.
So when I saw the strong, noble earl curled up on the bed, trembling in fear, I felt deep sympathy and pity. Someone more pitiful than me. When he acted as if I was the only one he needed, I felt a bit of happiness. I think I even developed a sense of pride. Vincent seemed like my younger brother. It wasnât because of his personality or appearance, but the precariousness that made me want to protect him, which made me treat him like a younger brother.
So I was happy when he clung to me, and I wanted to help him. Even while fleeing, I sincerely wished for his eternal happiness.
But he wasnât my younger brother, and he didnât need my concern. Despite losing his sight, he was still a noble. My existence had been meaningless from the start. Perhaps he didnât even need my help. I realized this only now.
And I remembered my own appearance.
Splat. The water splashed on my face and dripped down. The droplets that fell were black. A sour smell emanated from my drenched body.
"Oh, Iâm so sorry!"
The maid, flustered, approached and apologized, saying she hadnât noticed anyone was there. But I had suddenly appeared while she was disposing of the water. I said I was fine and rubbed my stinging eyes with the back of my hand. When my bangs were pushed up, I quickly bowed my head.
"Are you okay?"
"Y-Yes, Iâm fine."
Leaving the flustered maid behind, I quickly ran away. The dirtiness on my body didnât seem to be from the dirty water. The sour smell of the dirty water felt like my own scent. As I walked, droplets fell, leaving a trail. The maid cleaning the corridor frowned. I bowed my head and quickened my pace.
The emotions that arose after meeting Vincent gradually grew.
When I saw him again, he was surprised by my face. He tried not to show it, but I noticed that moment. Confusion. It was the same face I had seen from people who looked at me. The hope of being recognized shattered, and the joy of the reunion turned into regret.
âI want to hide.â
What would happen if he knew I was the maid who served him? Would he be angry and demand to know why I disappeared, or would he be happy, or disappointed? No, he probably couldnât even imagine it. The arrogant and shameless maid in his memory couldnât be someone as ugly as me.
In the end, I was just a shameful presence to Vincent.
I returned to my room and washed my body. Even after washing away the dirty water, the discomfort remained. My body still seemed to smell. No matter how much I washed, I felt dirty. I kept rubbing until my skin peeled and stung. When I touched my neck, I felt blood.
"I wish I were a lizard."
Then I could shed my skin and become beautiful. I could take off this current shell and stand confidently before him in a new form.
But Iâm human. I canât shed my skin, and unless I die, my appearance will never change.
âStop it. You promised not to think like this.â
Crying and falling into sadness is easy. But accepting it and moving forward is hard. Sadness doesnât just come and go in a moment. It suddenly appears, stabs me, and drags me into despair. If I collapse, itâs over.
I took a deep breath and doused myself with cold water. I composed myself, steadying the heart that had momentarily wavered.