"You used to chatter away without me even asking."
"I have a poor memory and can't recall much."
The empty plate spun around. The sound filled the space between us.
"Your younger brother must miss you a lot."
"..."
The spinning plate suddenly stopped with a trembling sound. Silence descended. I couldn't pull my hand away from the plate. Bread crumbs scattered messily on the table, making it dirty, just like my heart.
"No, he won't miss me."
"Why not?"
"Because he's in a good place. We don't live together anymore."
As I said this, I looked up at the sky outside the window. The clear, clean sky was truly beautiful. My siblings are all up there. They must be living happily, free from the hell that the devil's child used to shake up.
And they must be blaming me for it.
"He must have married into a good place."
Ah, did it sound like that? But I didn't bother to correct him.
"Yes, a good place."
"What about the others?"
"Yes, except for the third one. Father loves him too much."
Too much love is a problem. This reminded me of the house in Felton. We haven't exchanged any news since I left, and I haven't visited. How are they getting along without me? I've thought about it, but quickly dismissed it. It was pointless concern.
"What about your mother?"
"She's gone."
I don't know if she's dead or alive, so it's as good as her being gone. After answering that, I didn't want to talk about my family anymore. If he asked again, I planned to excuse myself, but he didn't ask any more and looked out the window again.
"Well, you don't necessarily have to miss them."
His casual words seemed to imply he knew something. It felt like a sharp stab to my heart. Stop it. Don't stir me up anymore. I wanted to shout.
"Lord, how about you? Do you miss them?"
Out of spite, I retaliated. I knew his parents had died in an accident, so I tried to hurt him. I expected him to be upset, but his answer was unexpected.
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't need to. I'll see them when I die, so there's no need to miss them. Sadness should be brief. I don't want to regret. It's better to discard those feelings if they prevent me from seeing the future. They're useless."
"..."
His words were too cold, but I understood. Because I had done the same.
The deaths of my siblings. The overwhelming sadness, longing, regret, and guilt that followed. But I didn't have the luxury to wallow in those feelings. I had to live day by day, and such emotions were of no help. The value of my life was determined by whether I was useful or not. Those feelings made me useless, so I chose to cut them out. After that, life became more bearable.
Was his life the same?
Suddenly, a sense of kinship arose.
"I told you, this isn't a place to dream."
'Then think about it. This isn't a place for futile dreams.'
Yes, I had said that. Back then, I thought he was just spouting thorny words out of anger, but now, reflecting on it, it seemed like advice born from experience.
"Still, don't you have one thing, even a futile dream, that you want to dream about?"
I became curious. The wish of a man who gives such a dry answer. After a moment of deep thought, he gave a reluctant answer.
"To see."
My curiosity vanished.
"What about you? Is there something you want to dream about, even if it's a futile dream?"
"I just want to live a long life. I'd like to suffer less, but since my life is a series of begging for scraps, I don't dream of anything extravagant."
"You can stay here. Then at least you won't suffer outside."
"Are you offering to let me stay for a long time?"
I teased him, surprised by his unusual kindness. When I first came here, he used to shout and throw things, but now he says things like this. It's quite touching.
"I allow it."
"Really? You can't change your mind later?"
"I won't. Stay for a long time."
He took another sip of tea. I wondered if I should get a written agreement.
"I'll protect you."
The teacup clinked. The wind blew, and his hair ribbon fluttered, struggling to escape from his hand. He wrapped the ribbon around his index finger, lifted it slightly, and pressed it to his lips.
As if giving a kiss.
"Because you're mine, protect me."
"..."
"Promise me."
His emerald eyes widened. The ribbon slipped from his gently opened hand, fluttering around. It brushed against my cheek, touched my hand, and hung around my neck. My gaze couldn't leave Vincent.
My heart pounded. An unfamiliar sensation made my fingers clench.
"So stay by my side. For a long time."
His firm voice enveloped me. The white ribbon, marked with his body heat, pressed against my skin, leaving a burn mark. The man sitting straight in front of me captured my gaze.
"You're quiet. Do you not find me trustworthy?"
"No... No, I don't."
"Three times. You must have thought so."
"Not at all."
"Four times. I'm sure."
"..."
"Still, believe me. I'm trying to trust you too."
I opened and closed my mouth several times. The emotions in his long, curved eyes made my chest tingle. Something inside kept pounding, racing toward the person in front of me.
"Since I lost my sight, my other senses have become more acute. So when I interact with people, I touch and feel their breathing, the tremor in their voice, their gestures, movements, noise, and smell to guess. It's like playing a game of guessing moods with my eyes closed. Right now, I'm guessing about you."
His fingertips pointed at me. I widened my eyes.
"You become speechless when you're embarrassed. You must have your mouth open now, moved."
"Wrong. Not at all."
I closed my mouth. Even though he couldn't see, I shook my head. He chuckled at my answer.
"Really? Then I'm curious. What kind of face are you making? If I could see you now, I'd know what you're thinking."
"You'd regret it if you saw."
"Because you're too beautiful?"
"Blindingly beautiful."
He snorted. Well done. He kept smiling. His smile was beautiful, even magnificent. Regular meals had made him gain weight, and his former pitiful appearance was mostly gone.
He is definitely changing.
It was both satisfying and sad. I had to stay, and he had to change. Every time I saw him change, I realized the nature of our relationship. So I didn't think about the unfamiliar emotion growing in my heart.
I knew instinctively.
It was never a good feeling for me.
* * *
Just after noon, Isabella came to the annex. She looked urgent, grabbed my arm, and dragged me into the room.
"Pola, go out with the Lord immediately."
"Excuse me?"
"Hurry and get ready. I'll inform the Lord separately."
She handed me the coat she had brought. I took it, but I was confused.
"Where should I go?"
"Anywhere. Go as far as you can, but not too far. Try to go somewhere safe. I'll allow you to return late."
With that, Isabella headed straight for Vincent's room. I hesitated to follow her and took off my apron. Since my only outfit for going out was the dress I wore when I first arrived, I changed into it, put on the coat, and left the room.
Vincent, dressed for going out, came out of the adjacent room at the same time. He seemed to have changed in a hurry, as his clothes were a bit disheveled. Behind him, Isabella looked anxious.
Before I could ask what was going on, he tapped his cane on the floor and said to me.
"Shall we go for a walk?"
His calm words made me nod without thinking.
We headed to the forest we visited before. There wasn't really anywhere to go, and Isabella had told me to go somewhere safe. The only safe place I knew was the Belunita estate, and he couldn't go to crowded places.
The forest was quiet. The chirping of birds eased the tension.
"What's going on?"
"Who knows."
He looked too calm compared to me. His face showed no change as he looked around the forest. Of course, he couldn't see anything. But his fingertips were trembling. He was pretending to be calm.
Vincent seemed to know the reason for this sudden outing. What could it be? I examined him closely, but Vincent had become skilled at hiding his true feelings recently. He was much calmer and more composed than when he was overly sensitive and irritable.
I was curious but decided not to ask. I thought there must be a reason he wasn't telling me.
"I don't know where to go. She said to go far."
"Just go."
"Didn't you avoid going out after meeting Lady Violet? And how can we go far? We'd have to go toward the mansion."
"We can."
"How?"
He suddenly took my hand and started walking. I followed him. Instead of the path, he headed into the bushes. He walked without hesitation, even though he didn't know what was ahead.