The Blue Monster's Shell Volume 1 Chapter 1 part4-5
Translated by iseuli
Edited by Risa
Part 4
“This is where you will live from now on.”
I returned to my lair with Perrin. There was nothing special about my lair. I continued to stay in the cave that I used to live in with my father.
I kept all my old clothes I used to wear deep inside the cave. There should also be some cooking utensils buried around inside somewhere. There was nowhere else better for Perrin than here inside this forest.
“Perrin. This is your house now. You can live here until winter.”
I said to Perrin, but he didn’t reply. He must have still been confused after eating the fruits. If not, maybe he was dazed after I threw him and he hit his head. He didn’t look very alert, but his expression looked very distressed.
He gasped for breath from time to time, and other times he clutched his side and groaned silently. At the time, I didn’t feel anything at all as I watched him suffer. The child was crouched down, and he was truly… truly…
“You’re truly small.”
I just thought about how small he was. When I was his age, I must have been as small as the child. Was I as weak as him? I stretched out my body and touched the child’s finger. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a human’s finger, a human face, and a human body.
“I also had one.”
Arms. Legs. Two eyes that can look in every direction. I patted the child’s golden hair and looked down at my own body. I didn’t have anything. I could only saw a muddled pile of something.
“I also had one.”
Yes. I also had one. I had everything that the human child had. I had one, but why don’t I have one anymore? Why do I feel so empty? I watched Perrin and thought about this feeling I couldn’t describe. Do I want to be human? I asked myself, I could answer this question easily.
I didn’t like my human body. It was very uncomfortable. I couldn’t stand properly, and I had to crawl to move. If I was lucky to form a decent human body, it didn’t last very long and broke down very fast. I couldn’t survive in this forest with a body like that.
“I like the me now.”
Yes, I like my current self. I decided it was so, and stamped this mysterious feeling deep down into the darkest corner of my heart.
Part 5
Perrin was sick for two whole days. He regained consciousness for short moments, but he just mumbled nonsense and then fainted over and over. This must have been what books meant when they said people’s lives hung by a single thread.
“He will be hungry when he wakes up.”
It would be too bad if he died, but if he happened to wake up then he would most likely feel hungry. He had not eaten for the last two days, so he would be very hungry. I left my lair to hunt. Later, I returned with some edible prey. Perrin was awake, crouched in the corner.
“You’re awake.”
He stirred awake, but his eyes weren’t in focus. He wore a blank expression. He seemed to be hallucinating due to poison, at times the hallucinations seemed to scare him.
“Wh-where is this?”
“This is my lair. Do you like it?”
I asked, but he didn’t reply. Perrin trembled every time I moved. He convulsed like he was having a seizure. He was truly, truly… pitiful. I gave him my word that I would keep him safe for the time being, I didn’t understand why he needed to be so scared.
“It’s good that you’re alive. You should try eating a bit.”
I laid out some mushrooms that I’d harvested. I’d even gave him the rat that I’d hunted. Maybe it was because he had just experienced food poisoning. Perrin observed the mushroom that was as big as a human skull with pure disgust. He even look away when his eyes fell to the dead rat.
“You can eat the mushroom raw, but you should remove the rat’s internal organs before hand. The red flame rat is highly poisonous so it will be better not to eat the organs.”
I’d even went out of my way to teach him how to eat properly, but he didn’t move a muscle. Tears welled in his eyes, and he began to hiccup while sniffing his nose.
“What do you want me to do? I told you that everything in this forest is poisonous. You must eat to survive, even if it means getting poisoned. There are no other options.”
The weak could never manage to survive in this forest. Any edible vegetation had a degree of poison to them, and so if one didn’t have a level of immunity to poison, death was unavoidable. Perrin didn’t have a choice. I pushed the mushroom and rat to the child’s feet. Perrin was frightened to death as he recoiled backwards.
“I… don’t feel like eating.”
“Then do you want to starve to death?”
Perrin bit his lip and trembled. Tears rained down from his eyes, but he didn’t make a sound. He seemed to have finally learned what would happen if one were to howl like he had done previously.
“I… want to leave this place…. I want to leave.”
His voice shook so much it was difficult to understand him. However, at the time I didn’t think anything of it. I didn’t pity him, nor even feel that he was a pathetic child, I had no impression of him at all. I just thought, ‘the child is crying.’
“Please let me out. I beg you.”
“That’s not hard. When you finish eating, then I’ll take you out of here.”
“R-really? You’ll take me home?”
“No. I’ll take you out of this lair. I’ll teach you the boundary of my territory. You can wander around my territory as much as you want. I don’t have any intention to imprison you here.”
I was confused why the boy became so sad. Perrin couldn’t suppress his feelings any longer and began to cry once again. His voice shook the entire cave. I proceeded to throw his head against the wall to stop him.
I tried my best to throw him gently. I used no strength at all, but out of all the places he chose, he chose to hit his forehead on a jagged rock.
“Don’t cry like that.”
He didn’t respond. Perrin held his head and crouched on the floor. He stopped his voice by biting down on his lips, instead his body trembled. I knew that Perrin must be disgusted with me. He must disdain me to the bone, and I understood why he would.
“Stop shaking and get up. Eat. If you don’t, you will starve to death.”
I broke the mushrooms I had harvested into smaller bits and pushed them into his mouth. He only managed to eat half as most of it was spit out. Perrin trembled chewing his food and swallowed hard. I only realize now that he wasn’t eating because he was hungry.
He was just forcing food down his throat. It was natural instinct because he feared getting beaten by me. However, back then I wasn’t able to see that at all.
“You’re eating well. Do you want more?”
I skinned the rat’s meat and fed it to him as well. I was truly insane. I would beat my past self a thousand times over if I could. I had no idea since when I started to truly care for the child. There wasn’t a particular moment which spurred my emotions. Perrin didn’t go out of his way to open up to me at all either.
“Hatred.”
Yes. Perrin loathed me. No matter how many times I could reincarnate in this world, that fact would probably not change. I regret it even more after having realized everything. No matter how regretful I felt, nothing would change. Every emotion now comes crushing my heart terribly.