If I take her forcibly, would she still look at me? If I ruin her, could she stay beside me? I know itâs heartbreaking to think irrationally like this, but itâs better than seeing you with somebody else. So, stay with me in this deep darkness. Stay with me in this dark shadow. Even if you go out into the world of light, you will only have a hard time.
I was very pleased with my reflection in her golden eyes. As I lowered my face gradually, the other things reflected in her eyes disappeared little by little. Yes, thatâs what I want, my lady. Just look at me like that, reflecting me alone in your beautiful eyes.
âHey, what are you doing? DonâtâŚâ
I suddenly came to my senses when she shouted at me, shivering with fear. Her eyes were trembling with fear, and her face turned white. My heart jolted when I saw her calling me in fear.
I felt her shivering in her trembling wrists.
What did I just try to do to her? Am I really going crazy now because Iâve been stuck in the darkness too long? Iâm sorry, Tia. I know better than anyone that Iâm not ready yet, but Iâve been craving for it so long that I often forget it. Iâm getting more and more impatient these days.
Iâm afraid you might fly away from me with wings. Iâm scared that you might walk into the bright light, leaving me in this darkness.
âBecause Iâm going home after work, so I donât need this hair band. Youâll make me uncomfortable if you keep doing this.â
Even though she was so frightened, she came back because I seemed uncomfortable and gave her hair band to me.
Suddenly, my heart ached. Apparently you were locked in the deep darkness like me, and you were living in a rage of madness. When did you come into the light and began to shine like this?
Teach me how. Give me your hand, too.
Now that I know the joy of being with you, I no longer want to live in the shadow on my own. Please donât forsake me, Tia. Do not leave me.
âDuke Verita is waiting for you.â
âGot it. Let me hurry up.â
On the day when the crown princeâs birthday banquet was held, I kept dawdling because I really didnât want to go. In the end, I arrived there belatedly to find her laughing heartily before the crown prince.
âHaâŚ. â
I made a hollow smile. Feeling heartbroken, I headed to the place where people were chatting.
Hearing their conversation aghast, I suddenly came to my senses when they mentioned the daughter of the Monique family.
âWhat? Did they try to kill my lady several times? Did they put it on hold for now, looking for a chance to kill her?â
At that moment, I thought it would be okay. I thought she would rather disappear from this world rather than be taken away by some other guy. Anyway, Tia would be alive in my memory. The little girl in my memories would smile at me brightly, showing a blind trust in me. I thought that if I closed my eyes and ears for a moment, I would be able to live with my lovely lady in my memories forever. Although I couldnât hear her calm voice calling me in person, although I couldnât see her smiling at me brightly, I thought I could accept it. I thought it was better than losing her like this.
But I suddenly broke into tears when I came back home and took out my young ladyâs dark hair tie from the drawer and saw her initials embroidered on its edge and the letter she wrote to me even after her blind trust in me was gone.
âAh, Tia.â
Even though I knew that she was going away from my heart, even though I was aware that she would not stay with me anymore unless I took some action, I could not harm her.
Although the girl in my memory was important, it was more important for her to live and breathe under the same sky.
Damn, I couldnât let go of my girl.
âHere it is, Master.â
I had a maid make several colored hair ties for my lady, as if I wanted to clutch at straws. Though not visible on the outside, the inside of the double-layered hair ties was embroidered with a dela flower that allegedly made love come true. I had the ties prepared with my love for my young lady who told me she always wore a tie while on duty. I hoped that she could look at me again while she was wearing this. I knew I was doing useless things, but I felt like my heart might explode if I didnât do this.
âWow, theyâre pretty!â
Tia smiled when she saw the colored hair ties I prepared for her. I felt sad when I found her golden, bloodshot eyes and pale lips as if she couldnât sleep properly because she was so busy.
Noticing that her silvery hair tie sticking out of her dishevelled hair, I took out a hair tie.
It was the same green tie I had on.
Looking at her thick silvery hair falling down her shoulders, I suddenly felt my heart throbbing.
âWhat happened?â
Whenever I saw a girl in the past, I was always happy. But my heart began to ache whenever I met her at some point.
I looked at her back and the hair tie in her hand. I felt like some cold voice was whispering into my eyes, âShe doesnât love you. She doesnât look at you. She will abandon you and run away. You will be alone again. You will struggle in loneliness, trapped in the dark. â
âNo, she wonât run away from me. She is not such a cruel woman,â protested another me.
âDonât be ridiculous,â said the cold voice that teased me first, adding, âYou know she doesnât love you. Are you just going to see her going to another guy? Just kill her, so if you canât have her, you can make sure another guy canât have her, either. As time goes by, sheâll be estranged from you more and more. Just kill her now when you can deal with your sorrow, so that nobody can have her. Anway, she is alive in your memory, smiling at you, right?â
I held the hair tie tightly with a trembling hand. When I put her silvery hair together, her white neck was revealed.
Hers was a slender neck that would break if I grabbed it tight with one hand. If I wrapped the tie around her neck, she wouldnât be here, leaving for a world nobody could follow her to. Then, she would live and breathe only in my memory.
Even if she were forgotten little by little by those who remember her with the passage of time, I could vividly think of her. I would be able to make my cherished dream come true. I would keep her to myself and have her look at me only. No one could covet her then.
The moment I tried to wrap the hair tie around her thin neck, I could see Tiaâs face reflected in the window. She was closing her eyes while slowly blinking her eyes as if she couldnât stand feeling drowsy. She was standing close to the window with a calm face without any fear or anxiety just like her in childhood when she blindly trusted me.
âHaâŚâ I made a hollow smile.
âOh my god! How can you trust me, Tia?â
You shouldnât trust me so much! Your father and maid hate me after they instinctively figured out what kind of man I was, but you still keep trusting me? For what?
Read Latest Chapters at wuxiaworld.eu
Donât you see the darkness swirling within me? Or is the remnant of your blind trust in me already embedded within you? I canât trust myself. How can you let your hair down and trust me so blindly?
Maybe Iâm already crazy. How can I think about getting rid of her, who believes in me so much, and trusts me when I donât trust myself? It had only been a few days ago when I thought I couldnât dare to hurt you. How could I dare to think of killing you like this?
I wonder if I was caught up in the unknown darkness inside me. My hand holding the hair tie was trembling.