Chapter 73 ā Sinensis Rewan (4)
It was a series of days like thatā¦ days of humiliation, shameful and intolerable things. He still couldnāt die.
He just lived because he couldnāt die.
Rewan was lying on the cold floor. He regretted the thoughts he had in the old days when he was young.
He thought life was boringā¦ he thought it was a normal lifeā¦
He regretted the thought of an arrogant, unruly, and lowly person who had never been in a low place before. He did not know that the life of the lowly was intense and poor. It was a conditional regret and reflection.
Wishing he hadnāt experienced something like this, he knew that this thought was deception and his selfishness.
Now, Rewan couldnāt stand it at all without thinking about whether such a thought would have any meaning. He couldnāt stop thinking. It seemed to him that he would not be able to bear it any longer when he thought about reality, facing the bottom, and could not get any better.
Even though he always had other thoughts like this, he thought of death on the day he slept with Raphael and others like a tool. It was a selfish decision, so he shook his head. His life didnāt belong to him. So how did he live?
In fact, he couldnāt even distinguish whether living like this was life or hell. If he lived like this, he would die someday.
ā¦He hoped for death, not an improved life.
Arne was at the end of his mind, which was gradually worn out. How was she holding on now? Was she thinking of him? Did she resent him for his incompetence? Or was she broken like him?
He wanted her to resent and hate him, and kill him.
He stared blankly at the light leaking in and closed his eyes. A ray of light went out and faded. He lost his mind as he felt the sight gradually losing light.
At the same time, he thought about death.
He repeated the meaningless day after day. He stood still, unable to do anything, like a wind-up doll that was rusted and broken. All the resolutions and wills he made at the beginning faded away, leaving only fragments.
Itād been quite a while since he didnāt practice. There was no more hope left.
The door opened with the sound of something hitting. It was a hellish life, but it was better than the first time. Still, he laughed at how he was accepting of this situation, assuming that humans are animals of adaptation.
He forcibly straightened his staggering leg as he took a step in front of the door.
Rewan stood tall and stopped when he saw the person who had come to pick him up. For a moment, he thought he was looking at the wrong person. He burst out laughing. His brain was pure white. It was hazy.
Not good at judging the situation, he just stared blankly at Acacia.
Only heavy silence lingered in the room.
Rewan knew full well that he had no right to blame Acacia. However, as soon as he saw him, a sense of anger rose from the depths of him, which he did not know where it originated from.
Was this anger toward him who put Rewan here? Could it be that he resented Acacia for making him unable to become a knight? Was it a sense of entitlement that made him afraid of even dreaming of beating Acacia by a huge margin?
What to say, what to say?
He didnāt know why Acacia came here. Should he be angry? He kept his mouth shut, afraid that if he opened his mouth, a bad resentment that he couldnāt bear to come out would come out.
Rewanās eyes turned red. He struggled to swallow his tears.
It was not that he was unwilling to accept the outcome of the duel with Acacia. Still, he didnāt want to live life like thisā¦ It was the wrong choice, the wrong path. He wanted his own death, but he certainly did not want to live by selling Arneās chastity.
He didnāt want to live like that.
He lived like thatā¦ lamenting the inability to die.
Acacia did nothing wrongā¦ he was Distriaās knight, and he only obeyed his masterās orders. Acacia also didnāt know it would turn out like this. However, resentment rose, and Rewan bit his lip. Nevertheless, he didnāt want to vent his resentment. He didnāt want to fall more to the bottom.
The resentment that he couldnāt let go and the sadness lingered in his mouth.
As a knightā¦ as a knight.
After falling into the abyss like this, does he still want to save face? Has he still not grasped reality properly?
Rewanās head went white, as his body was uncontrollable and trembled as he leaned against the wall and let out a heavy breath.
Feeling like his mind was being gnawed. He couldnāt bear to let out his rough breath in front of Acacia, so he swallowed it in his mouth.
āI came for a request.ā
His heart thumped. He already knew it in his head because the guard who was coming to pick him up was down behind Acacia, and he didnāt harm him.
But, a requestā¦ from whom, for whomā¦ by whom.
His heart was beating with a thumping sound. He already knew this in his head.
Her name lingered in his mouth. His hands trembled. It was a reality he wanted to deny. He murmured as if he was spitting out words he couldnāt utter.
ā¦The knight of the enemy country that ruined your country is Acaciaā¦ yet, why do you trust him more than me?
He wanted to stop Acacia from talking about Arne.
ā¦Donāt do it, stop it. Shut up.
Rewan couldnāt recover from the surging waves of emotion. He felt as if his heart was about to collapseā¦ he knew his incompetenceā¦ he knew his fault. Even so, he believed that only he could protect her and support her. That was how he was able to endure the harsh time.
No. That wasnāt it. Was it his delusion?
The words that came out trembled. Although he wanted to pretend to be calm, he couldnāt bear it. Hiding the emotions that had left him feeling empty and exhausted, hiding his dry and crumbly feelings, he followed Acacia.
He went to Arne, whom he had thought about for so long, but the path was disgraceful. it wasnāt his way.
Piece by piece, something cracked and crumbled.
There was no place to complain and no place to blame. It was only now that he received the payment for his sins, the payment for the sins that Arne received as well. It was his fault. Still, being human, he couldnāt stand the feeling of falling apart.
He suppressed the crying that was about to burst out.
How can you do this to me?
He thought of words that would disappear from his mouth that he could not say.
He got off the carriage and met Arne waiting for him inside Acaciaās mansion. He couldnāt hold back the tears bursting out of her as soon as he saw her. As he cried, he had a trivial argument with Arne. It was a unilateral anger he had.
After thatā¦ it was an act that came out of some impulse. So, heā¦ strangled Arne.
He didnāt have the right to end her life, nor did he have the right to resent her. He was just distracted by her actions and words that comforted him.
It was nothing but dirty jealousy.
How could he feel the feeling of jealousy in this situation? It was so appalling that he laughed inwardly.
āā¦Itās not okay.ā
He gazed at Arne with a surprised expression as if he was shocked by his own words. Arne was still wide-eyed and surprised though there was no way other peopleās outrageous behavior was okay.
ā¦So donāt pretend youāre okay, please donāt pretend youāre okay, donāt tell me itās okay.
āDonāt comfort me.ā
He wanted to kill Arne, who didnāt trust him.
Not okay, spewing out false emotionsā¦ What kind of entitlement was this? Why did she show all her heart to Acacia? To say those feelings that she hadnāt told him. Why did she say she missed me and let out painful emotions?
How can you do that to me?
This was obvious jealousy, a feeling that didnāt fit the situation.
He was losing his thoughts.
Arneās body weakened like a corpse. She drained her body of strength as if she would entrust her life to him.
Seeing that, Rewanās heart thumped. He couldnāt believe what he had done.
I was, I was a fool. I was a madman. Iām crazyā¦
He tried to kill her for sparing his life and giving his life back. No, the truth was, he never wanted a life like that. Even in this situation, he felt nasty jealousy towards her and wanted to kill her.
ā¦No, actually, he wanted to die.
Blankly, tears flowered. He was crazyā¦ he was obviously crazy. Otherwise, there was no way he would do such a thing to his master. This was jealousy and a desperate desire to kill her and end his life.
Arneās red neck was visible. He gazed down at his hands that held her neck as his hands felt like those of a hideous monster rather than human hands. He wanted to cut both his hands. His hands were shaking.
Unfortunately, Arne hugged him and cried.
He woke up to the sound of Arneās cold voice. He wanted to somehow manage this situation and stay by her side. It was a selfish thoughtā¦ no, but she needed him.
It was some kind of struggle.
āā¦Forgiveā¦ forgive me.ā
He couldnāt breathe properly at her cold words.
āCome back with more power.ā
He wanted to scream that.
Donāt you know the time Iāve endured? Donāt you think of me?
ā¦No, it was his fault. It was the result of his mistake. Why was he asking Arne to think of the time that was caused by his own sin?
āā¦Please, please. Please take the order backā¦ I-I was, wrongā¦ wrong.ā
Leaning down, he grabbed Arne by the ankle. Even though he didnāt even deserve to cry, his tears kept flowing and he just cried. He let out words of pleading out of his mouth. He had no right to say that to her.
āArneā¦ pleā¦please, let me breathe in the same space as you.ā
āArne, please, pleaseā¦ donātā¦ send me.ā
No amount of pleading made Arneās heart change. He spat out many pleading words.
I want to be by your side. I just want to be by your side.
It was a selfish mind, and every time he spat it out, his selfishness broke his heart. He confessed his sins and selfishness to the extent that nothing was left after being shattered and crumbledā¦ until there was nothing left.