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Chapter 55 – What Love (4)
“You know what this is.”
Elixir, a miracle medicine that healed wounds, removed scars, and healed diseases with just one drop.
The medicine was called God’s miracle, but the way it was made was on the contrary. It was a medicine made by extracting vitality by slowly killing people. Not only that, but it was also called the devil’s temptation because it was made in a forbidden way.
Rewan fell to the floor with Distria’s gesture. He grabbed Rewan, who was rebelling, and dropped a drop of Elixir into his mouth. Surrounded by a bright light, Rewan’s wounds slowly disappeared. It was a phenomenal sight.
My trembling hands stopped at that scene.
…Rewan was not dead.
I could change the story. I was not a marionette. I was alive here.
Do I really, really think and act that way? I took a breath. I was faced with my ugly selfishness. It was not an act to confirm that the story could be changed. It wasn’t an action to save Rewan.
Rather than wanting to save him, I was feeling a lot of excitement in this situation. The drugged eyes, hands outstretched towards me… I couldn’t admit my selfishness, so I thought of something else… That didn’t mean it was not what I wanted, though.
I loved Rewan… But, I just loved myself more.
“Now, what do you think you should do?”
The eyes of the people below swept through the body. I took off my shoes, and my bare feet touched the ground. Suddenly, I got curious. Why was he doing this? Why was he doing this when he was obsessed with me and wanted me…?
“What do you want by doing this?”
Distria picked up the shoes I had taken off myself. He pressed his lips to the front of my shoe before gazing at me.
“I want you to suffer.”
“…Is that all?”
Distria laughed.
I took off my clothes without saying a word. The colorful and intricate dress fell off my body with a few gestures. I slowly descended from the platform. Insidious gazes passed slowly from the tip of my toes to the whole body.
The outstretched hands of the people below touched the back of my feet.
“Just with something like this? It would be a bit disappointing if I did this, knowing I was going to lose my mind.”
I looked at Distria, who was smiling. The podium and downstairs were quite high. Still, I didn’t go down the stairs. I just leaned over at the end.
My body fell down.
I fell to the floor, and the people below caught me. Not a single part touched the floor. Like drunk on drugs, the already hardened genitals touched my body. I reached out my hand without knowing where it would go.
They didn’t seem like nobles. He must have brought the commoners from somewhere to insult me.
I can’t feel it.
“Aargh—! Aaarrghhh! Please, please… Don’t do it.”
Rewan screamed. He felt such a sense of disgrace.
I couldn’t feel it.
I was not worth your concern…
I looked over the podium. Rewan’s eyes, filled with despair, touched me. I turned my head. Then, I glanced at the drugged people. He was chained again with a clunky sound.
“Arne, don’t…! Please… huhp.”
Rewan’s mouth was gagged. What would he think if he knew that I was excited in such a miserable and horrific situation? What would he think of me? I’d rather Rewan despise me and hate me. I wanted him to resent me for making this situation happen.
…Don’t look at me with such pitiful, worried eyes.
“Go ahead.”
As Distria turned to look at the beasts reaching out to me, he left the room without hesitation. In the place he left, only the howling Rewan and the beasts remained.
* * *
“Huhup… Heuk.”
Rewan cried non-stop. If he was going to suffer so much, he should just close his eyes. I was in pain, but I didn’t close my eyes. Dozens of genitals had already ripped through me, and my bottom was messed up with s*men. There were s*men all around my face and all over my body.
Rewan’s face, looking at me, was also a mess with dried tears.
“Ha… ah.”
I was physically pushed to the limit. In the original story, it would have been enough to lose consciousness, but strangely, I was fine.
The n*pples, which had been constantly squeezed, were sore as if their skin had been peeled off. It was such an intense pleasure that any negative thoughts became lost.
The next moment, a big p*nis pierced my anal.
“Aaaack!”
Another man’s p*nis entered through my gaping mouth.
As if my whole body was being used as a pleasure hole, they rubbed their genitals in my armpits, shoulders, and waist wherever I bent. At first, I felt sorry for Rewan, who was watching this scene. However, the pleasure that paralyzes my brain little by little also gradually crumbled my reason.
I even forgot that Rewan was watching. The hands stroking me from here and there were ecstatic, and without even stopping for a break, they poked me inside.
I was constantly taking other people’s p*nis.
Quite a long time has passed. Now, Rewan didn’t even have the energy to cry more. He stared blankly at me. I was no longer reflected in the empty eyes that had given up everything… Eyes that didn’t know where they were looking wandered through the air.
“Hahh…”
Even the men who had been mechanically thrusting their waists had lost their consciousness as the energy of the drugs was gradually diminishing. Still, many remained. Someone I didn’t know grabbed my head and threw me on the floor. The connected genitals were forcibly pulled out.
He grabbed my legs awkwardly, spread them apart before shoving himself into the entrance. As I had already taken in many people, there was no more love liquid to come out, so it was stiff. They stabbed my stiff inside with greediness.
“Hah… Ugh.”
The place was filled with the pungent smell of s*men. It was a beastly moment. When the hands of the men holding me disappeared, even when everything was over, my body was tired… but my mind was strangely clear.
I moved my weakened legs and approached Rewan. I had things to say and things to deal with.
This was no place for Rewan to be. I didn’t want him.
I loved him. However, I did not love him more than my life or my joy. I moved my arms, which had lost strength, and pulled down the hanging Rewan. I took a deep breath and faced him as I pulled the cloth from Rewan’s mouth and took his hand.
“Run away. Don’t come back.”
“…Ar…ne,”
“…Forget me.”
Rewan took off his clothes and wiped my body that was covered with s*men. The already dried s*men could not be removed easily. As Tears welled up in his eyes, I put my hand over his swollen eyes.
I was deceiving him.
“Why…why… Did you save me?”
Ironically, Rewan’s eyes were filled with resentment, hurting my heart… which ignored his pain while just caring for my lust. My fingertips were cold, and I hid my trembling hands.
“….”
“I… I am not even a knight. I’ve already insulted you twice, and I held you down with my life… Why did you save me?”
Suddenly, I felt like I lost my mind.
…Still, he worried about me… without knowing my ugliness, my inner heart, and what I was thinking.
“Why! Why did you live through such humiliation?”
How could he worry about me?
“…How.”
I barely swallowed back my words. I almost gave him my undeserved love as I lost my mind in an instant. It was a selfish intention, an intention that should not be touched. It was something I couldn’t take out.
Even my preceding actions were not an act to save my beloved Rewan out of love for him. It was just an act to satisfy my pleasure and lust.
I didn’t even deserve to tell him I love him.
I couldn’t think of anything to say. I just stared blankly at him. Rewan’s hands were still busy, trying to wipe the s*men that had hardened on my body. Tears fell from his eyes as he rubbed them even though they couldn’t be wiped off.
“I’m, I’m sorry… I…can’t, wipe, wipe it off.”
“….”
“I’m sorry… because I’m alive. Because I can’t do anything.”
Rewan hugged me. He was in despair, yet it was me who threw him into despair. Nonetheless, my heart, that was held by him, was pounding and screaming out of control.
This was an obvious deception.
* * *
Another night passed.
Today was a peaceful day with no one visiting. I went into the bathtub overflowing with cold water. A tingling sensation crept to the inside of my bones and wrapped around my entire body from my toes.
I was caught up in a strange feeling.
Something seemed to be going the wrong way. Why couldn’t I be satisfied with ordinary love and ordinary life? Who set the standard for ‘ordinary’ in the first place?
—Splash.
There was a gentle wave along with the movement of my toes. It was cold. The air and water filling the bathtub were cold. What had cooled down? Was it my heart? Was it my humanity? Or was there something hot inside me in the first place…?
I did not know.
I just thought of that. I didn’t know I could like anyone. However, I thought that if I fell in love with someone, the person I was would change as well.. but nothing changed.
… So, was this love?
—Knock, knock.
I didn’t even think about putting on my clothes when I heard the knock coming from outside. I got up from the bathtub filled with cold water and opened the door. In the dark night, in the dark space, the red hair stood out.
I closed my eyes as I didn’t want to see him.
“Why, I said I didn’t want to see you.”
Lepis hurriedly took off his coat and wrapped it around me, perhaps surprised by my appearance. I felt a tremor in his hand as he buttoned it up.
“I don’t need it. Go back.”
As I flicked off his hand, his coat fell to the floor as well. Then, I grabbed Lepis’s arm and led him before closing the door with the other hand.
I lightly stroked Lepis’ arm.
“Or do you want to do it, too?”
It was completely dark, not even the moon had risen. Only the small light of a flickering candle lit the room. I reached over Lepis’s neck. He grabbed my outstretched hand. Soon, he grabbed the other hand and raised it over my head.
Only the sound of water dripping from my body could be heard in my ears.
“It’s not like that.”
“If not, go away.”
Lepis released my wrist. A scorching warmth touched the rest of my wrist. He knelt at my feet.
“I…”
“Why? Are you afraid I’m going to die, so you are on your knees?”
I cut off his words. I tapped his chin with my toe. Water dripping from my toes wet the floor.
“It’s okay. I have no intention of dying.”
“It’s not like that.”
“Noisy. Don’t apologize Don’t spit out any words because I want to kill you.”
I had no right to ignore him or to kill him. His selfishness did not even reach my toes. Still, I couldn’t help but despise him.
…For my selfishness, for my appearance, I despised myself.
I was pouring out on him as if to relieve my anger, but it didn’t mean he did nothing wrong. All in all, I liked having s*x with several people, and it was good to relieve my guilt about Rewan. However, even with this selfish appearance of mine, I got down on my knees and lowered my gaze to those eyes looking at me.
…He had eyes full of love.
I hated seeing it filled with love…
I hate him for loving me…
I hate him for making me compare loving him to loving Rewan…
…What kind of emotion was this? Was it hate? Or was it jealousy that came from a narrow heart?