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Chapter 35 – Confusion and Selfishness (6)
“Don’t look at me with those eyes.”
“….”
“Is my life pitiful? Are you feeling sorry for me?”
I spat out words that I did not know whether it was my feelings or Arne’s. It was a feeling that I was feeling quite vividly. Perhaps, it was the emotion I felt to imitate Arne… Still, I couldn’t figure it out. I didn’t want to think anymore.
…I didn’t want to think of her anymore.
“No. That’s not true.”
“….”
I covered my ears and closed my eyes.
I hated seeing that sympathetic expression on his face. I hated him looking at me with pure sympathy. You are the same person as me…
Acacia gently wrapped his arms around my wrists and pulled me in. I was drawn to his mighty power and fell into his arms. As he kissed my wet hair as if to comfort me, who was frowning in surprise, he whispered to me that he was sorry for being pushy.
“I don’t pity you.”
His gentle and friendly voice pierced my ears. I was captured in Acacia’s eyes. I was relieved to see that there was no concern or sympathy in his eyes.
“I respect you.”
“….”
Respect.
It was a word that didn’t suit me.
I lowered my head. I pretended to be her, wanting to experience the pain that Arne went through. I felt guilty the more the original story deviates. It stemmed from the fact that her fate, which I presumed was a fixed thing, was originally undetermined and ever-changing.
Still, I hated this situation where I couldn’t be me.
I was terribly selfish.
* * *
I got a cold. I got very sick because I had been in the cold water for a long time. Because I was in pain, I felt useless.
When was that…?
The one day when I sympathized with Arne. I was the only one who knew her lost time. At that time, I did not know that I could feel such profoundly negative emotions, and I must have thought about it with pride as if I was the one who knew her lost time.
At that time, I didn’t know that I was the only one who knew the time that had passed.
And, I didn’t belong anywhere. I didn’t know it was so lonely that no one recognized me… I wanted only a moment’s pleasure. I ignored that this was a world in itself, too. I was in a hurry to follow the original story.
I treated them as people I knew. I thought this was a flat world in a book, not reality.
From the time the original story was changed, this place was no longer in a book. It wasn’t my problem for them to covet me and force me to get drunk. Rather, it was a great wish for me for them to focus only on such activities.
…A brief moment of pleasure, then a time to sleep. Although I couldn’t think of anything, I liked that time without reason.
I exhaled hot breaths under the heat.
Distria, who pushed the door without knocking, was standing in front of the bed. He placed his hand on my hot forehead and looked down at me with cold eyes. His cold hand felt good, and I felt his touch quietly.
I wished this confusion would end here. I closed my eyes. I was the kind of person who didn’t like thinking. However, he kept making me think.
“You are too weak even if you are weak.”
Distria clicked his tongue.
He filled my blurry vision, and I impulsively pulled the collar of his wrist. Maybe, because of the heat, it was a day I just wanted to act on my own. While he touched my cheek with a soft hand, he lowered his gaze and looked at me with friendly eyes.
Him. With friendly eyes.
“…Rewan.”
I said the name that shouldn’t be taken out. I took a deep breath at the name that popped out without me knowing and I bit my lip reflexively.
Rewan came to mind, but I wasn’t trying to say his name.
Silence lingered in the chilly room. As Distria’s laughter was heard, a red warning light came on me. He forced me to get up as I had been lying down. He kissed my lips as if swallowing them harshly. It felt like being swallowed by an animal.
My breathing was hard, so I tapped his chest. Nevertheless, he didn’t mind my rebellion. He was only coveting me.
“Ho-huk…!”
His firm flesh pierced through me without warning. I grabbed the sheet and gazed up at him. Every time he moved, a flash of light flashed through my head. The brief pleasures rushed in a flurry, making me think of nothing.
What I was so desperately looking for.
“Who is the person next to you? Try to engrave this carefully.”
“No…”
“Shut up.”
Distria covered my mouth with one hand.
Every time he moved, the inside was swept away. It was a strange feeling that I never got used to. Every time he drove it deep inside, he left a tooth mark on my shoulder. All over my chest, arms and fingers. It was the eyes of a ferocious beast.
I gasped for breath through my blocked mouth. My head was dizzy from the heat.
“Huht… Stop.”
“When you’re already wet inside?”
Distria laughed lowly.
Licking my finger once, he grinned savagely.
“You can’t get out of here.”
My protests were clouded and deafened. I couldn’t hear what he was saying as he speeded up his words. Just like his words that I was wet, only the splashing sound pierced my ears. He gently stroked my back and looked at me with a loving gaze.
Did he feel my haziness…? He stopped moving, and his expression hardened. Distria stroked my cheek with a face full of displeasure before moving his body backwards as he was pulling himself out.
“…I’m going to have to get that bastard.”
Reflexively when he mentioned that he would bring Rewan, I grabbed his collar. I was supposed to pretend I was okay, but I didn’t. I spat out words of supplication.
“Huu… please… Don’t do that.”
This kind of behavior didn’t suit Arne. Contrary to what I thought, the opposite action emerged instead.
‘No, don’t do that.’
Tears flowed down my cheeks as if I had lost control.
A sigh escaped his mouth.
“I’ll make sure to bring him. For my dear Arne.”
My head was dizzy, and I screamed inside. At the same time, I felt a sense of treachery. I was excited to be able to see Rewan, but I was disappointed. I hoped he would be caught, and I didn’t want to be caught…
“I like that look.”
Distria grabbed my chin.
As he et my lips, I closed my eyes. It was such a feeling with no bottom. Did that mean I wanted to run away from Rewan and live here?
No.
It was never like that.
* * *
After Distria left, my condition got worse.
Thanks to that, Lepis stayed by my side. He was the one who once told me not to bother him. Now, there was no sign of him being bothered at all.
He acted affectionately and stayed by my side. He wiped the corners of my eyes that were still in tears. He gave me water from time to time and wiped away the sweat. Even when I fell asleep and woke up, he was still by my side.
Lepis acted like a man desperate to do something for me.
…Just like someone in love.
I flapped my lips, and a cracked voice leaked out. At the same time, my neck burned. I wanted to ask Lepis.
‘Does he like me?’
“Are you feeling uncomfortable?”
He, who had been concentrating on the papers, turned his head when he felt my slightest presence. He gazed at me. I couldn’t understand his change. Most of all, Lepis didn’t seem to realize that he liked me. I didn’t want to scrape it and crumble him.
“…No.”
A cracked voice leaked out of my mouth.
Lepis put down the papers he was looking at and stroked my hair. I smiled softly, thinking foolishly in his affectionate gaze. Two high-ranking officials already had their heads over heels by one woman… This empire would be doomed.
“What are you thinking, you look pretty happy.”
“…It doesn’t suit you to be pretty friendly.”
I casually lied to his question. I was used to telling things that weren’t true without any emotion. Was I a person who was accustomed to lying from the beginning?
I don’t know…I don’t know.
“I’m glad that you seem to be saying that I’m taking care of you properly.”
Lepis stroked the back of my hand with a soft hand, and then he ate the snack at the side quietly so as not to make a sound. I shut my eyes as I watched him take care of even the smallest things. I fell asleep.
I would not remember what happened today. The feelings Lepis had for me were unknown to me — like a midsummer night’s dream — I just wanted this day to be a memory that didn’t exist.
* * *
I heard that the Emperor had released knights to the capital to capture Rewan. My cold had gone down, and I was recovering from weakness. While I was eating hot soup, I dropped the spoon I was holding when I heard the words.
The spoon fell on the floor, making a loud noise.
“Since when?”
Lepis humbly leaned his back forward and picked up the spoon. With a handkerchief in his arms, he wiped away the splatter on the floor and handed me another spoon.
Losing my appetite, I shook my head and placed the tableware I was holding on the table.
“…Since when you were sick.”
My body trembled at those unexpected words.
It was predictable that Distria would search for Rewan since the day he found me with a cold. However, I didn’t expect him to be able to release knights so quickly. I was even more afraid because I didn’t know when Rewan escaped from the Imperial Palace.
Fear of the unknown. It was one of those things that I hardly felt after coming here. Besides, he was originally supposed to die. The story ended when he died. Even though many things had changed, there was no certainty that he would not die.
I hoped that Rewan had run away as far as possible… He shouldn’t have died because of me. It was what I wanted the most, despite all the uncomfortable feelings.
Because of me… I wished he hadn’t died because of my selfishness.
“Call Acacia.”