Chapter 26

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“…Sorry, I went overboard that day.”

“No, it’s fine. I overstepped my boundaries as well.”

“That sounds like you’re…still blaming me?”

“…No, I’ve already thought about it. I’m only your friend. There should be a line drawn in our relationship.”

“…Forgive me, okay?”

“…There’s nothing to forgive between us. We are still friends.”

“…You…right now you…. Forget it. I have something to do, I’m hanging up.”

“Okay, bye.”

“Ring ring—Ring ring—”

The sound of the phone dragged me out of my reverie and into reality. I pushed away Xiao Chuan’s head. “The phone…”

I ran to the phone in front of the bed and picked it up. The voice that came through startled me—it was Xiao Chuan’s girlfriend. What a lucky coincidence.

She still spoke in the frantic voice she had during her previous phone calls, asking me if I had seen Xiao Chuan. I immediately yelled, “Xiao Chuan!”

He shuffled over to my side. He had his head lowered, but I could see a telltale blush on his face. He grabbed the receiver from my hand and held it up to his ear. His girlfriend talked for a long while on the other end, but he only responded with a few oh’s and okay’s.

Finally, he said, “…I’ll see you tomorrow.”

When he placed the phone down, I continued talking with him like nothing had happened. The uncharacteristic rashness he’d displayed before disappeared, but his eyes were cloudy, and he looked like he had something he wanted to say. I had a bad inkling of what was going on, so I kept talking about everything unrelated to the current situation to keep the conversation going. He responded to a few of my remarks, but he soon said that he had to go home and think about something important.

I was worried, but I told him to think things through calmly and thoroughly and to let me know when he reached a decision.

He forced a hard smile at me. “Okay, it’s time for me to grow up anyways. Wait for my email.”

For the next few days, he didn’t contact me at all. Then one night, I received a long email from him:

Yu, I have something important to tell you.

It’s the first time I’ve called you like that, and it’ll be the last time as well. Haha, don’t call me corny. I’m only going to say these following words once. After you read everything, you can delete this email. Also, I believe that even after reading everything I’ve written, you won’t look down on me. Even though what I’m about to say is something normal people can’t accept.

Yu, a long time ago, you said it was just a joke. I couldn’t refute it at the time, but I was treating it seriously in my heart. I used to think that kissing was the grossest thing you could do under the sun, but that one time with you was wonderful, better than anyone else. I had always wanted to tell you that “I love you,” but I was afraid you would call me a pervert. But I have to say it to you today.

I love you. I really love you. I love you more than anyone else loves you. It doesn’t matter whether you’re male or female. I simply love the person named Gao Yu. I definitely do think of you as my best friend, but I also feel the urge to kiss you every day. Is that strange and perverted? Whenever I kiss you, I’m filled with excitement. I even want to…. Okay, I won’t go any further. I don’t want you to be disgusted. I’d always hesitated and never told you. I was afraid it would damage our friendship. We already have a close relationship, and I was satisfied.

That night, I’d almost turned into a feral beast. For a moment, I had wanted to reveal everything and let you know how I feel about you, so that I can finally fulfill the wish I had wanted for so long. But fortunately, I woke up before I did. If I had done everything I’d wanted to, you would either hate me, or forgive me. Then…you would feel awkward, you would start avoiding me, and ignoring me. Even if we started dating like a man and a woman do, we would never be able to return to how we were before. I can’t imagine when we would start fighting; when we would start keeping track of each other’s every move, or becoming jealous when one of us talks to another person, and then fighting over it. We would then break up, get back together, and break up again…. I thought, that isn’t something either of us wants to go through. If that’s case, then it’s better to maintain our current state. We are best friends. Perhaps, friendship is the only thing that can last a lifetime. I’ve finally thought things through these past few days. I’m glad I didn’t do anything overboard. I’m glad I have enough logic left in me to tell you everything this way.

I have a song I really like. The lyrics goes like this:

Feelings and yearnings are like a favorite book of mine

I never had the courage to open the last chapter

No matter how beautiful the story, it always ends in goodbyes

I never had the courage to be curious, for fear of tainting the ending

No one dared to touch, but now the secret’s out

When we remember it tomorrow, we won’t be able to stand it

Our happiness only belongs to tonight, tomorrow it would fade to dust

And we would have no right to bother each other any longer

I’ve spent a lifetime exploring my feelings, but my actual wish is very small

We should give each other some space, to reflect and allow our hearts to keep on beating

Our happiness only belongs to tonight, tomorrow it would fade to dust

To go through those kinds of challenges, we might as well forget it [1]

This song summarizes my thoughts over the past few days. We should leave some distance between us, so that my heart can beat for you for all of eternity. Even if I get married and have kids, there will always be a place for you in my heart. This lifetime, we’ll be the best of friends. You are also the person I love the most. This is the kind of forever I want.

Okay, I’ll stop the sappiness now. I have to tell you something else that’s been bothering me—she’s pregnant, so we have to get married right away. I’ve been ignoring her for the past few weeks, because I’m scared. I can’t imagine becoming a father, a husband. I’m only this old, how do I shoulder everything? Honestly, I’m scared shitless. I can’t imagine what it would be like to hold a baby in my arms. But because she couldn’t find me, she’d told my parents. My dad yelled at me and said I was irresponsible, childish, selfish, and an embarrassment. I am exactly as he says…. But after thinking over these past few days, I’m still a man, so I must take up the responsibility I’ve shrugged off. This is a result of my own actions, and she’s done so much for me. Moreover, it’s not like I don’t have any feelings for her. Then…remember to come to the wedding banquet next month. I will do my best to be a good father. And of course…a good husband as well. Haha.

Promise me, don’t be awkward when we see each other next. We will always be best friends, until we are old. You have to be my son’s godfather. Don’t try to run away!

After reading through the long email, I sat still for a long while. I then replied with a short sentence: Xiao Chuan, you’ve truly grown up.

The night before Xiao Chuan’s wedding, I saw Li Weisen again. He appeared to be in a good mood and talked and laughed as though there was nothing between us. The three of us interacted like we did before. Like how Xiao Chuan and I had helped with Li Weisen’s wedding, Li Weisen and I had helped with Xiao Chuan’s wedding, popping in and out of various shops around the city and buying up all the necessary things.

The only difference I saw in Li Weisen was that he had gained a little weight after getting married; seemed like Saozi was treating him rather well. With an arm around his wife, they sat down at the table next to ours. The sight of the beautiful couple was enough to create envy in all the single men and women at the wedding. I smiled as I watched their future: blissful, happy, and completely unrelated to me. This…was enough. It didn’t matter if I was standing here as his friend or as someone who had loved him in the past, there was nothing for me to regret with this sort of ending.

To my surprise, two months after Xiao Chuan got married, Li Weisen ran into some trouble. He had used public funds to start his own business. Just when he was about to reach a deal and pocket his earnings, his opportunistic investment was discovered. He’d managed to roughly return the money he’d used, but the whole case reflected poorly on him. As an employee of a state enterprise, there was a chance he could be sued. Upon discovering his wrongdoing, he’d immediately been arrested and dragged to the prosecutor’s office.

Fortunately, Xiao Chuan was able to help. We relied on his connections and found a few friends in the office. We then spent some money on a few gifts and went to Li Weisen’s work to negotiate. The final result was that he had to take an unpaid leave of absence. They would settle things with him after the whole fiasco had calmed down.

When we brought Li Weisen home, Xiao Chuan and I couldn’t resist chastising him for his actions. He didn’t react much to Xiao Chuan’s words, but he was completely different when it came to me.

He said, “Did I ask you to help? Do you want to see me cry while thanking you? Will that make you happy? Did I make a fool out of myself just so you could lecture me? If I run into trouble next time, I won’t dare to ask you to help me again. I won’t go under that easily!”

Xiao Chuan tried to calm Li Weisen down, but the latter brushed him off without saying anything.

Li Weisen then stood up and went inside. When he came out, he was carrying a pen and a piece of paper.

“How much money did you spend? I’m going to write you a note. I’ll pay you back no matter what.”

I stood there silently for a few minutes, trying to process what I’d just heard. I now understood that he didn’t even see me as a friend anymore. What was there left for me to say?

“…I didn’t spend any money. It all came from Xiao Chuan. I still have work to do, so I’m leaving.” I spoke slowly, but still smoothly and coherently. After leaving behind those words, I turned around and left his house.

I walked down the stairs and waited for a taxi in front of the gates to the courtyard. Xiao Chuan ran up behind me.

He said, “Gao Yu! Don’t be angry…listen to me…”

Standing in front of the taxi, I listened as Xiao Chuan tried to explain for Li Weisen. I smiled and responded to every sentence, showing that I didn’t mind. I kept my smile the whole ride home. When I was finally lying on the couch inside my living room, I dropped the frozen smile. A dim and gloomy light shone through the window. Today…was an especially cloudy day.

Exactly what was I caught up on? That as a friend, he shouldn’t have acted that way? We’d embraced each other in the most intimate way, exposed the most private parts of our lives to each other, and even entered the dirtiest part of each other’s bodies. And all of that didn’t amount to anything but this? We couldn’t even maintain our relationship as friends? Was it like what Xiao Chuan had described in his email, like what I had thought in the past—that we could never be friends after we had stepped over the boundaries? Before, I was the one who couldn’t do it. Now, it was him. He hated me; I was sure of that. Was it because…I had given up on him? If he had been the one to say goodbye, he probably wouldn’t have reacted this way today. A man’s pride was as simple as that. Mine, his, to both of us, our pride had ended up being more important than love itself. We couldn’t even bother to maintain the peaceful act on the surface anymore…. This was all what I deserved in the end.

I had smothered the pain of the past for so long, that when it welled up all at once today, it had threatened to engulf me. I didn’t have the energy to think about it. I felt everything was pointless. Pointless. What had I been doing for these past few years? I had spent the shining years of my youth struggling in a mud pit named Love. What I thought were romantic moments before now left me with nothing but weariness and a feeling of mockery. That night under the streetlight, that moment at dusk when we danced together, and every time we made love…. What highest realm, what splendor, the past Gao Yu and Li Weisen had shared was simply the product of someone’s selfish imagination. The truth was that they didn’t have anything at all. Nothing other than a few occasions of physical interaction between the same sex that was despised by the sanctimonious world they lived in. It was nothing to write home about. Even the sex they did have was in the heat of the moment, weak and insignificant. After that one short embrace, they could be strangers again. How was that any different from a normal one-night stand?

In Xiao Chuan’s heart, I was still the original Gao Yu—the Gao Yu who’d never liked men, the Gao Yu who was almost perfect. But the truth was, I wasn’t that Gao Yu anymore. I was simply a gay man who was rotten on the inside. Someone who could sleep with any stranger off the street. I would never have something like love again in my life. I was a pauper, left with nothing but a healthy body and face that passed as handsome. Ha…I wasn’t even sure of that anymore. I hadn’t done any checkups. I wasn’t sure if there was a virus floating around in my blood or not. That was the state of my life at 23. I was a bastard who had abandoned myself to despair. I had once sighed with regret at Lin Dong and the others’ youth, but was my youth any better? I hated myself for wallowing in despair. From the moment I gave up, I couldn’t stop hating myself.

Two days later, Li Weisen called me and said something along the lines of an apology. I didn’t need his apology. I didn’t hate him. I never had. The only person I hated was myself. In the past, I hated the fact that I couldn’t be the Gao Yu in Xiao Chuan’s heart. Even now, I still do.

Translation Notes:

[1] Happiness Tonight 《欢乐今宵》by Leo Ku. Released in 1997.

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