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Chapter 5 â To Move Forward\nVolume 2\n<hr class="wp-block-separator is-style-wide">\nâŚIf I miss this opportunity, I wonât be able to say anything to Mother Enami. I wonât be able to face my own mother anymore. Even though I and others are not the same, I still wanted to avoid the rupture between Enami-san and her mother.\n
I said,\n\n
âIs it so bad to look back?â\n\n
Perhaps it was an unexpected comment, but Mother Enami seemed a little surprised. She put her hands on the backrest and stared at my face intently. Suddenly I felt nervous.\n\n
âAh, no. Iâm sorry for the suddenness. But I feel that moving forward and shaking off the past are two different things.â\n\n
Even as I talk, I realize that I had this idea in my mind. Even when studying, there is a feeling of organizing your thoughts in your head when you put them into words to teach someone else. The feeling I had now was similar to that.\n
My jumbled thoughts began to take a clearer shape.\n\n
âEnami-sanâs mother said, âYou donât have to worry about me anymore. I think it is true that Enami-san has started to look forward to the future. But that doesnât mean that sheâs stopped caring about the past or that sheâs trying to go her separate ways.â\n
ââŚYouâre so young.â\n\n
Her gaze changed to the same one she had given Enami-san earlier.\n\n
âReally, if you keep dwelling on the past, youâll never be able to look forward.â\n
âI donât think so.â\n\n
Mother Enami furrowed her brow at my clear tone. I may have offended her. But I felt that my idea was not wrong.\n\n
âThe present me is an extension of the past. There is no escaping that reality. No matter how hard I try to forget, it will always remain in my memory. The more you try to forget it, the more you will remember it again and again, and it will be etched in your mind.â\n
âThatâs right.â\n\n
Mother Enami spat out with a sigh.\n\n
âThatâs why itâs impossible.â\n\n
She stood up from her chair and walked up to me. Her eyes narrowed. A smile on her cheeks alone, as if she was fed up.\n\n
âMaybe you donât understand, butâŚâ\n
âMaybe soâŚâ\n\n
The situation between me and the Enami family is different. I donât even know how the word âhatredâ came to be uttered.\n\n
âBut then again, maybe notâŚâ\n\n
On the other hand, I didnât think there was any kind of overlap at all.\n\n
â⌠Iâve had some tough times in the past too⌠A time when I was in so much pain, suffering, and on the verge of breaking that I thought I would never recoverâŚâ\n\n
At that moment, for some reason, Enami-sanâs shoulders shook. Then she hugged her own shoulders as if to cover it up. Her eyes are looking in another direction.\n
I continued.\n\n
âEvery day, I stayed home and didnât go to school. I couldnât even eat my food, my head was screaming, I couldnât even cry anymore, and I thought I was going to die.â\n\n
I didnât know what kind of expression I had on my face right now. I was embarrassed to show my face, so I turned my head away.\n
I tried my best to squeeze out my voice.\n\n
âBut then one day I noticedâŚâ\n\n
Hands reached out to me from two of them. Little by little, I was able to stand up.\n\n
âI realized that maybe there are things I can do because I have been through such a past. I canât go back to the way I used to be, but I can accept the past and do the best I can so that I will never regret it again. When I had a new purpose, I felt a little better. At the time, though, I didnât think I was moving forward⌠Looking back, I think that was the moment I finally took the first step.â\n
ââŚâ\n\n
Mother Enami listened to me in silence.\n\n
âI couldnât shake off the past, but I learned that I could use it to energize myself to move forward. The pain didnât go away, but I was able to gradually create a new me.â\n\n
I donât even know if this way of doing things is the right way. Eventually, I might get overwhelmed, and the time might come when I break down.\n
But at that time, I had no other choice.\n\n
âThatâs why, umâŚâ\n\n
Suddenly, no words came out.\n
The anxiety of wondering if it was really okay to say such a thing came to my mind. All of it got mangled up again.\n
Iâm always in doubt. Whenever I try to come to a conclusion, I stop thinking.\n
Itâs pathetic. Itâs really pathetic.\n
Despite all my bravado, Iâm still a mess. My mouth got dry, and my throat hurt when I swallow. My forehead was sweating.\n\n
I glanced over to check on Mother Enami.\n
She had a serious expression on her face, different from before.\n
I suddenly remembered the time I had lectured Enami-san at the diner.\n
It was a different kind of look, but I had a feeling that the roots of it were similar.\n
After a while, Mother Enami opened her mouth.\n\n
ââŚI see.â\n\n
Sorry. I apologized to Enami-san in my heart. Perhaps I might have made a mistake.\n\n
<hr class="wp-block-separator is-style-wide">\nTN: our MC is an expert in giving lecture.\n\n