Chapter 15 Grave

I remember being quite drunk.

It might have been because I was so thirsty after going to the gym, but it was mainly because I was so touched by Kasukabe’s kindness. After we paid the bill and got up to leave, my feet were a little unsteady. It felt like I was walking on top of some fluffy clouds. It was the first time I had experienced that.

The two of them asked me if I was ok, but I just replied, I’m fine. I was just a little unsteady, that’s all. I don’t remember what they said after that. We parted with Horita at the station and I took the train home with Kasukabe. The train was relatively empty, so we found a place to sit.

It was a really shaky train.

I wasn’t uncomfortable with a shaky train, but just anxious. In this heat, the rails could bend, and I was afraid we were going to derail. And it was awfully hot. I was sweating buckets. Was the aircon broken or something? Were they trying to save power? It was as hot as a kotatsu.

***

“It’s so hot.”

“You’re finally awake? You drunk bastard.”

Kasukabe’s voice was loud and clear in my ear, like bone conduction.*

When I opened my eyes, I saw the back of his head – lightly dyed hair, set in a careless, frizzy style.

“Huh? Kasukabe?”

“What do you mean, huh? Get off. I’m boiling. Carrying you, a grown man around.”

My arms were wrapped around his neck and his arms were around my legs. He was piggybacking me.

My memory was fuzzy, but I must have fallen asleep on the train and didn’t wake up. He had had to carry me on his back. He must have been embarrassed, carrying my through the ticket gates and the stairs in public. I felt bad.

“Sorry. I’ll get off.”

Kasukabe crouched down to help me get off. I was still feeling a little fuzzy, but I could walk fine. Kasukabe’s back was drenched in sweat, so much that his shirt stuck to him. My front was the same. I bought a bottle of tea at a vending machine and gave it to Kasukabe, who took it without a word and sat down on the curb. He drank the whole thing in one gulp. He must have been really thirsty.

I held out the bottle of tea I bought for myself and asked if he wanted another bottle. He nodded, so I handed it over to him. I bought another bottle and sat down on the curb beside him, opening the cap.

“Sorry. I was probably really heavy.”

“Yeah, you were heavier than I expected.”

He drank some more tea and stared at me, combing his his sweaty hair. He was so hot, it made me speechless. And then, he said something that caught me off guard.

“It’s probably because of your muscles, right? You have a surprisingly good body.”

“You think so?”

“Yep. When I saw your body for the first time, I was pretty surprised.”

“Haha, what? Did you think I would be skinnier?”

“No, that’s not what I meant… ok, don’t laugh, ok?”

“Mm.”

“I thought you were gonna have boobs.”

“What? Of course not, I’m a guy.”

“Yep. You’re a guy. And a strong one.”

I don’t want to become a girl, and I also don’t want to wear female clothing, so why would I have boobs? Plus, he saw my dick before he saw my upper body. So Kasukabe would have known that I’m a guy. But he might not have wanted to admit it. That he’s releasing his urges on a fully male partner.

In the past, I told Kasukabe to close his eyes and think of me as a girl. But now, when we do the act, his eyes are wide open and we even rub our cocks together. And I don’t have boobs. There’s no doubt that he fully sees me as a man. Despite that, I still felt happy when Kasukabe finally acknowledged that I was a guy.

“That’s right. I’m strong. Otherwise, how would I support your weight every day?”

“S-Shut up!”

I was so happy that I let my drunkenness get the better of me, and as expected, Kasukabe blushed and panicked. It was so cute and it turned me on instantly.

There was only 100m left until my apartment, but I wanted some physical contact before we arrived home.

“Hey, Kasukabe, I wanna kiss you.”

“W-What? What are you on about?”

The streets were practically empty. I hadn’t seen anyone walking past. But there was a slight chance that someone could be watching us. I wanted to kiss him, in a risky situation like this. I wanted to show someone our forbidden relationship. There was a sweet, wistful tickle in the pit of my stomach. An unfamiliar sensation came over me, and I started to imagine all kinds of wild things.

“No?”

“No.”

I was about to brush it off as a joke and get up, but a hand to my face pulled me back. Kasukabe’s beautiful face approached mine and our lips touched. His lips, which were on mine for just a moment, made an awkward frown.

“Why?”

“Machiya, you’re sad, right?”

I was about to ask him what he meant, when I realised it was about Horita. I wasn’t in love with Horita at all; I was just using the lie to have sex with Kasukabe. I wonder what Kasukabe would say if he found out. He would get a little frustrated and forgive me with pursed lips, but I don’t know what would happen to our relationship after that.

“I’m not sad. I’m fine.”

That was all I could say. Kasukabe replied with a really?, got up and walked towards the apartment. When he realised I wasn’t following him, he turned around.

“Hurry up. Otherwise I won’t make you feel better.”

Kasukabe’s smile in the moonlight was mesmerising. I decided to take one more thing with me to the grave.