The air between me and Miyagi is hard to describe in any other way.
On the last day of summer vacation, I touched places I had never touched before and heard voices I had never heard before. But the only thing I touched was her breasts, and I didnât hear much of her voice.
Still.
Still, it was awkward.
We spend all our time trying to get a good look at them, even though we are just opening our textbooks and doing our homework.
ăSay something.ă
I throw the eraser to Miyagi, who remains silent and doesnât open her mouth.
The air in the room where I first came since then is subtle and unsettling.
ăSendai-san should also say something.ă
Miyagi, sitting across from me, says plainly and throws back the eraser. I pick up the rolling eraser and erase the letters I donât want to erase.
Summer vacation doesnât end when summer ends, and even though itâs September, the days are still hot. Yesterday and today, ice cream was delicious and I need a cooler.
The temperature in this room is now kept at the right temperature.
I do not make Miyagi take off her clothes because of the heat, nor do I take off mine. Of course, I have not touched Miyagiâs body, nor have I had the opportunity to do so.
Itâs been a few days since the new semester started, and yet I am crazy enough to think about such an obvious thing.
That is not what I am doing with Miyagi today.
I donât even get that kind of mood.
Thatâs right.
We are not in a sexually active relationship, and there is no way we would be in that kind of mood.
ââWhy is that?
I donât deny that I wanted to do those things then, and Iâm not surprised that I had that desire inside me. Sexual desire is something that everyone has, and I am sure it is in Miyagi as well. So itâs not so crazy that I wanted to.
What I should be concerned about is that such desire turned to Miyagi.
ăWhy are you looking at me?ă
Miyagi says in a colder voice than usual.
A cold stare also follows, and I donât feel so good. I know I donât have to worry about it, because itâs like she made up the voice and the look. But it comes on top of my heart with a certain weight that makes me feel like Iâm going to sink.
ăCanât I look at you?ă
I ask in as flat a voice as possible.
ăYou canât.ă
ăThen, I wonât look.ă
I drops my gaze to my textbook.
Iâm doing my homework.
Such an order would have distracted me, but Miyagi is doing her own homework. I have to do my homework as well, but I still canât concentrate on the problems lined up. I find myself trying to ruminate on Miyagi in my memory.
I can forgive myself for these things, but it is difficult to accept them.
It was unexpected that I would be so clearly aware of my desire for Miyagi.
I can still feel Miyagiâs breasts in my hands.
I clench my right hand tightly.
Grip it so hard that I can see nail marks on the palm of my hand, then open my hand. I look up and roll the eraser toward Miyagi.
ăI knew it, can I look at Miyagi?ă
ăYouâve already seen it. I mean, why bother asking that?ă
ăMiyagi told me not to look at her.ă
ăForget that kind of thing, Sendai-san, and do your homework seriously.ă
ăMiyagi, if you donât mind me watching.ă
The eraser is not returned.
Miyagi was blatantly disgusted.
ăI told you earlier that you shouldnât.ă
ăI was told I shouldnât, not that I shouldnât.ă
When I bothered to correct her, Miyagi wrinkled her brow. Then, with a distinctly miffed look on her face, she stands up and grabs a manga from the bookshelf.
ăIf youâre not going to do your homework, maybe you should read this.ă
A manga is placed on the table.
ăI bought this yesterday, so Sendai-san hasnât read it yet.ă
I donât know why she doesnât want to be seen, but she says if I want to see her, make it a manga, not a face.
I think Miyagi is cute for reacting this way.
But there should be no lustful elements.
Miyagi is just an ordinary girl anywhere, nothing special or unusual. Last year she was an inconspicuous, unassuming girl in the same class, and now sheâs an inconspicuous, unassuming girl in the next class.
No, to be precise, she is inconspicuous and plain but a little more unusual than usual. She donât usually command someone to lick her feet or bite them to the point of bleeding.
When I think about it this way, itâs pretty bad.
I must have lost a couple of screws that had stopped me from reasoning when I lusted after such a person.
Ugh, I should never have felt that way.
I would like to touch Miyagi, but even if I did, I would never feel like that. I believe so. I donât want to think about why the screw fell off and donât need to know. Most of the time, she sit awfully far away even if she want to touch me.
ăYou wonât read it?ă
Miyagi throws an eraser at me.
ăIâll read it next time I come back.ă
ăWhen is the next time?ă
ăThatâs for Miyagi to decide, isnât it?ă
âYes, but,â Miyagi says, closing the textbook. But soon after, he started flipping through his textbook and blurted out,
ăâŠSendai-san, I was afraid you wouldnât come today.ă
Words float in the air that seem to ignore the flow of the conversation.
Only the sound of a textbook being rolled up echoes through the air and disappears, as if to disrupt the sudden pause.
ăWhat makes you think that?ă
ăBecause of what you did.ă
ăI thought Miyagi was the one who wouldnât call me anymore.ă
Today, Miyagi called me.
That seemed surprising.
When the new semester started, Miyagi will not contact me.
Thatâs what I thought.
ăWe didnât break any rules.ă
The textbook, which had been continuously rolled up, is closed.
On second thought, that ended in an attempt.
I guess that means we didnât break the rule of no sex because we didnât finish. I donât know where the end is for women to be together, though.
ăThen why are you sitting over there instead of next to me?ă
I ask what I was wondering so as not to miss out on the first established conversation of the day.
Miyagi had been sitting next to me for a long time recently, never across from me.
ăBecause Sendai-san is not to be trusted.ă
She said it once and for all, and I affirm her words in my mind.
As for my lack of trust, I cannot deny it. But Miyagi didnât reject me either. I wanted to say so, but I knew that if I said it, Miyagi would shut up again, so I swallowed the words.
ăLetâs do our homework.ă
Unusually, Miyagi says something serious.
But I was thinking only about Miyagi in front of me rather than filling up my notebook.