Itās crazy that she blindfolded me as a matter of course, and itās crazy that she didnāt get tired of just asking me if it felt good, but tried to get me to describe exactly how good it felt. There was no way she could have looked at her fingers seriously afterwards, and Miyagi was nothing but a pervert by any stretch of the imagination.
On the bed where I lay, I exhaled heavily.
I think I looked terribly disheveled, with my bra unhooked and denim unbuttoned. But Miyagi was gone, and itās not like anyone is watching me, so I donāt feel like dressing up.
ćā¦I shouldnāt have said anything.ć
She kept pestering me and I let my mouth slip.
I didnāt have to answer seriously the question about how good it felt. Thereās no doubt that it felt better than doing it alone, but I feel like an idiot for going to the trouble of telling Miyagi about it. Even though I couldnāt afford it, I was out of my mind.
Iām curious what Miyagi thought about it, but as I said, I donāt think Iām going to ask that. In order to ask, she have to reiterate what I said, and I donāt want to be pursued for asking in a strange way. Miyagi would probably ask me what I was thinking when I was doing it, or how I was going to do it.
I would be embarrassed to answer such a question, and it isnāt something I could tell Miyagi. But I think I would answer if asked.
I have a soft spot for Miyagi.
Iām sure Miyagi is aware of this, but Iām sure Iām more lenient with her than she thinks, and even today I wouldnāt have refused even without her saying,ćIf you refuse, I will never let you do that kind of thing again.ćI liked Miyagi enough to allow her to do it to me again if she wanted to, even if she didnāt say she didnāt want to, and I was glad that she wanted to touch me.
ćWell, thatās all well and good.ć
I have no idea what happened to make her start talking like that.
I really donāt know because I thought that Miyagi would never ask to touch me in my life. At that time, Miyagi said,ćI just want to know what will happen to Sendai-san,ćbut there is no way she would suddenly think that at that scene. There must have been a reason, but if I had tried to force her to tell me, she wouldāve returned to her room without touching me. If I asked her tomorrow, I donāt think she would answer me.
Still, I would like to know how Miyagi came to behave the way she did. More likely, something that would lie deep within the reasonsāā Miyagi wants to know what I think of her.
When Utsunomiya came to visit, Miyagi said she didnāt like anyone, but after seeing Miyagi today, I canāt help but wonder if she might.
If itād been just the once, I wouldāve been able to pass it off as a whim, momentum, or curiosity, but this was the second time we had done something like this, and today, Miyagi wanted to do it.
I didnāt push through like I did the first time.
Miyagi said so, of her own volition.
If I were to derive some kind of answer from that, if I were to consider the possibilities, think about it, think about it, the end result would be that Miyagi likes me, too. But Iām not optimistic enough to readily accept it, and Iām tempted to question the answers I arrive at.
āHaah,ā I exhaled deeply.
I roll over and put my hands on the wall.
I roll over and close my eyes.
The one that was on my back just a few minutes ago.
The soft touch of Miyagi.
The body temperature that makes me wonder if I have a fever.
Her hand caressing my body.
Everything felt good.
It didnāt matter if it was good or bad, it was Miyagi, so the screws that held my rationality in place melted right away and disappeared, and it just felt good.
What she gave me made me think that Miyagi might like me too, but being in bed alone like this made me lose confidence.
I wish you would smile at me. And if you call me Hazuki, Iāll feel more confident.
It may just be a misunderstanding on my part, driven by uncontrollable desire, that Miyagi likes me in the first place.
ćNo. Iām going to be depressed if I donāt.ć
The battle between me thinking Miyagi likes me and me thinking Miyagi doesnāt like me is dominated by the latter, and if I keep thinking about it, the conclusion is going to land me in a bad place.
If Iām going to think about it, I might as well think about something good.
I squeeze my closed eyes tighter, as if to expel the light I feel on my eyelids.
Today, I was calledćSendai-san.ćby Miyagi in an unusual wet voice. From my point of view, the voice Miyagi uttered was more sensational, but the voice I heard today sounded like she wanted to call me, and I knew that two ears were not enough.
She didnāt call me Hazuki, but she didnāt get mad when I called her Shioriā¦ Maybe she got angry, but I donāt really remember.
My memory seems to be clear and blurry in places. But I remember the bites very well. She bit me when I did it, but she bit me again today when she put her teeth strongly on my neck, and it felt so good even though it hurt so much.
If I think about it, I would be happier if I think about these things that were good for me. But when I opened my eyes to feel my body heat up again after the fever subsided, the white light illuminating the room came in painfully.
I plod along and pick myself up.
I need to take a bath, I think.
Parts of my body feel terribly uncomfortable.
But I am not willing to wipe away and wash away the proof that Miyagi touched me. I want Miyagi to touch me again, and I strongly desire to touch Miyagi again.
I want to know more of Miyagi and I want Miyagi to know more of me.
As in right now.
ćI know itās impossible, butā¦ć
I lean back against the wall.
I donāt know when this will happen next.
I donāt even know if Miyagi will be there tomorrow.
Last time I woke up, Miyagi wasnāt there when I woke up.
ćā¦Itās as good as it gets, isnāt it?ć
I think if anyone should run away from home, it would be me who was made to say even embarrassing things, but I have no intention of running away from home and I want to see Miyagi again tomorrow even if it is embarrassing.
But what about Miyagi?
There should be no element of running away from home this time, but Miyagi does unpredictable things, so it wouldnāt be surprising if she was already gone when I woke up in the morning.
I donāt think she will disappear, but I hope she donāt.
I want to say good morning to Miyagi in the morning, and I want to eat dinner with her.
So Iām going to try to get up early.
If Miyagi is thinking of running away, I want to catch her before she runs away.
Even if she decide to do so, I canāt help but pray.
Please pray that tomorrow morning, Miyagi will be there as usual.