Chapter 300: The translucent light of spring
Li Wanâer definitely wouldnât have guessed this: At this moment, Xu Tingsheng actually desired this child more than she did, a secret child, unbeknownst by anyone, to inherit his bloodline.
Xu Tingsheng had a traditional mindset common to the Chinese people for millennia past, that of the importance of passing down their family bloodline. This was one of the greatest regrets of his previous life.
If his previous life was actually another world, that him would actually have been unable to account for things to his already deceased father-the only son unable to pass down his bloodline, a lineage hence broken.
Then, what about this post-rebirth life?
Ever since his rebirth, Xu Tingsheng had actually been living in constant fear. He had never been someone with an incredibly strong will in the first place. Otherwise, faced with the tribulations of his previous life, he wouldnât have chosen to give up and shrink back.
Firstly, Xu Tingshengâs fear was of being discovered and exposedâŠ
If that happened, the best ending might be that he would be imprisoned and isolated from the rest of the world for the rest of his life-and this was only the best case scenario. There was a ninety-nine percent chance that he would be sucked dry of all his worth and then destroyed.
Despite the great care that he took, he inevitably still felt fearful, not knowing when bad luck might suddenly befall him.
Xu Tingsheng had actually already thought about and prepared for this. After establishing a solid enough foundation one day, he would make some erroneous decisions and experience some failures lest someone notice how he never did anything wrong, always making the right decisions.
Next, Xu Tingsheng also feared a particular point in time, that in the year 2015. His rebirth had stemmed from that particular point in time.
There was no way for him to know: When his reborn self arrived at that day, what might happen then?
Was it the irreversible fate of death as an anomaly that should not exist which awaited him? Vanishing into thin air? âŠOr would it be the least severe consequence of him becoming mediocre again after losing his precognitive abilitiesâŠ
After which he might be unable to keep hold of all he had gained these past ten over years, even facing danger simply due to the assets he had accumulated over this period of time.
Thus, when Li Wanâer had proposed her bearing Xu Tingsheng a child, it had really been equivalent to her reminding him there was such an important thing which he had still yet to do-passing down his bloodline.
As she described the clandestine, relative freedom that she and their child would have in Milan, Xu Tingsheng was moved without the least bit of hesitation remaining. More accurately, at that moment, he had already decided that he wanted that child.
He would give this child as much as he could in secrecy, and this child would be their eternal secret.
In the plan that flashed through Xu Tingshengâs mind, besides him and Li Wanâer, there should only be one person in this world that could also know about the existence of this child, this being his father Xu Jianliang.
Everyone else, including Mrs Xu, his sister Xu Qiuyi, Huang Yaming and Fu ChengâŠhe wouldnât tell them about this. The fewer who knew the better.
Xu Tingsheng could not find a more appropriate person than Li Wanâer, a more appropriate time.
She lived overseas; she effectively had no relatives and would not be disturbed or manipulated; she did not intend to marry again; she was used to and willing to live a mild, solitary life; she did not have any other demandsâŠ
Also, she was a very good woman. Looks, personality, characterâŠthere was virtually no fault he could find.
Also, she loved Xu Tingsheng. Having a child who belonged to the two of them would be such a blissful thing for her. Also, Xu Tingsheng liked her as well to some extent. Missing out was itself a cause for regretâŠ
Also, and of the utmost importance, was the fact that she wouldnât affect and hurt Xiang Ning at all, aside from maybe how he would be bearing some guilt over this secret that he kept from her.
As for Xiang Ning, she was fifteen this year.
On one hand, Xu Tingsheng did not want her to be completely diverging from the life of a normal person, such as by giving birth to a child before she was twenty, such as byâŠshe should attend senior high school and then university. Besides Uncle having appeared to protect her earlier in this life, she should live as happily and freely in his previous.
On the other hand, before that particular point in time in the year 2015, even if Xiang Ning was willing to, Xu Tingsheng would not dare let her have his child. It was destined to be impossible for him to hide Xiang Ning and their child like Li Wanâer, and he would not do so as well.
If something really happened on that day, Xu Tingsheng would rather Xiang Ning be in sorrow for a time, still having a long life of her own afterwards, as opposed to bringing along his child and suffering because of him for the rest of her life.
Therefore, at this moment, Xu Tingsheng wished for this child.
Now, however, they had met with a problem.
The problem Xu Tingsheng and Li Wanâer had met with was this. Pregnancy is often something that happens out of the blue with a couple âstriking jackpotâ in a single go when they do not want it, even worry about and are afraid of it happening. In the end, bad luck befalls them as they end up with a whole lot of trouble.
And when you finally begin to look forward to it in earnest one day, preparing for and trying hard for itâŠit may well be that half a year will go by with nothing at allâŠ
This matter is just as unpredictable as that.
The few suggestions that Li Wanâer had offered seemed to have gone against her fundamental stanceâŠwouldnât she be as good as his lover then?
Xu Tingsheng made use of when Li Wanâer was considering the profound topic of âlife creationâ and retreated, lying down by the side. He then took a moment to calm himself down. Suddenly, he remembered something and asked her, âRight, have you calculated the timing yet?â
âHuh? What?â Li Wanâer regained her wits and looked over at himâŠlooking from her expression, she seemed to be rather taken aback by this question of his.
âYour, thatâŠtiming, with the safety period and danger period and whatnot,â Xu Tingsheng said in a despondent tone, âYou must surely know about that. Didnât you calculate it when you decided you wanted a child and came over?â
âI, I never thought about having a child before. I never wanted one. Then, I fled soon after getting marriedâŠso I never took much notice of it at all. Just now, IâŠforget about it.â
This woman seemed to think that she could get pregnant and give birth as and when she liked. Even this decision of hers had only just been made.
ââŠâ Xu Tingsheng was rendered momentarily speechless before he said, âYou calculate it now then.â
Li Wanâer really concentrated for a while and carefully did the calculations before she said, âIt seems like it should be coming in the next two days.â
Xu Tingsheng said helplessly, âThen, itâs the safety periodâŠhow can you even get pregnant?!â
Men were usually afraid of the danger period. This time, Xu Tingsheng was instead owned by the safety periodâŠand it would come in the next two days, coming for a good couple of days, and after that would be the safety period againâŠ
Xu Tingsheng was depressed.
Li Wanâer lost the basis for her courage.
While there had been twists and turns in her mentality that night, one thing had never changed, which was that all of it was founded on her desiring a child. Without this basis, going on with itâŠ
It would have gone against her fundamental stance of not being anyoneâs lover.
She had never been a courageous person in the first place.
Feeling greatly embarrassed, Li Wanâer hesitated for a moment before sitting up with the blanket over her and saying awkwardly, âI, Iâll be going back then. Will youâŠstill be coming in the future? Iâm referring to the matter of our child. Actually, it feels like Iâm forcing you. I guessâŠyou wonât be coming back again?â
She inevitably felt rather pained and vexed. Yet, there was only blaming âbad luckâ for things having turned out like this.
Xu Tingsheng smiled somewhat awkwardly.
Slightly puzzled, Li Wanâer looked at him, continuing to speak though she did not understand his actual meaning, âI know, you might not want toâŠbecause of her. Sorry, I clearly know that, but I still want to force you. Because thinking about it just now, I feel that having a child of the two of us to accompany me..might really make for the happiest days of my life.â
âI know. I actually yearn very much for that type of happiness myself, just like you described. I was completely drawn in by your words earlier,â Xu Tingsheng said sincerely, âI really like kids.â
âYeah, I already noticed that before. Though youâre clearly still so youngâŠI donât get itâŠbut I can still tell,â Li Wanâer said rather triumphantly.
Xu Tingsheng went on rather awkwardly, âBecause of that, just now, I was actuallyâŠalso hoping for a child. With you.â
ââŠYou, youâre serious?â Li Wanâer felt joyful whilst bashful as well.
Yet, realising how Xu Tingsheng had said âjust nowâ, Li Wanâer asked, âWhat now? Will you still come? AlsoâŠwill things be okay with her? Rest assured, I definitely wonât affect you or hurt her. I also wonât see you againâŠyou could come once or twice every year to visit our child, at most.â
Xu Tingsheng actually had no way of explaining Xiang Ningâs matter to Li Wanâer. He was unable to explain it clearly to even himself.
He avoided the topic of Xiang Ning, saying earnestly, âIâve calmed down a bit now, but my decision hasnât changed. From what I heard, your decision also sounded kinda spur of the moment. Iâm thinkingâŠâ
Xu Tingsheng stopped and calculated the time and the arrangements.
âWhatâre you thinking?â Li Wanâer asked.
âItâs currently November 2004. Iâll be coming to Milan again around July next year. If you still wish for the same then, Wanâer, then bear me a child,â Xu Tingsheng said, âI canât guarantee much else, especially how much time I can spare for you, but Iâll do my best to take care of you and our child under this precondition.â
ââŠRight. Iâll wait for you then. I donât think that Iâll change my mind, I definitely wonât,â Li Wanâer smiled.
She did not bring up any time-related issues. Now wasnât possible, and she would need time to consider matters properly afterwards. What Xu Tingsheng had said was completely reasonable.
Now that this matter had finally been agreed upon, the atmosphere in the room instead turned awkwardâŠwhat next?
Continue? When a child definitely wouldnât be produced, Li Wanâer had no basis for going on with that. Such would go against her fundamental stance. It was pretty much the same for Xu Tingsheng tooâŠwhat, could he tell himself to treat it simply as practice? Taking a run-through?
Li Wanâer was the first to speak, âWell, Iâll be going back then. MyâŠclothesâŠcan you help me.â
As Li Wanâer spoke of her clothes, she tugged at the blanket around her, wrapping herself up more tightly. She actually felt very awkward in this get-up, especially with how things had ended up. She pointed at her blouse and jacket at the foot of the bed. Having no way of getting up and retrieving them herself, she could only ask Xu Tingsheng to help her with it.
Xu Tingsheng sat up and considered for a moment, asking as he checked the time, âItâs past 3am nowâŠhow about, you stay behind?â
Li Wanâer looked at Xu Tingsheng, hesitating for a while before she lowered her head, shaking it as she said distressedly, âNo, I said it earlierâŠI wonât be a lover. Iâll only do that for my child. You arenât allowed to laugh at me. I know that this may sound very silly and self-deluding, but I really have no way of persuading myself.â
Xu Tingsheng smiled and explained, âThat isnât what I meant. What I mean is sleeping, for real. Lie down in my embrace and sleep for a few hours, and then the sun will be up. Didnât you say that you want to lean in my embrace, that youâve never before?â
Li Wanâer looked into Xu Tingshengâs eyes.
âI want to be good to the woman who will bear me a child in the future, to care for her. Can I?â Xu Tingsheng smiled brightly.
Li Wanâer smiled too. This sort of happiness was simple and self-evident. She nodded quietly before shrinking back beneath the blanket.
Xu Tingsheng lay down as well, moving an arm aside.
Li Wanâer did not lean in against him.
âWhat is it?â Xu Tingsheng asked her gently.
âMyâŠclothes,â Li Wanâer answered softly.
ââŠTheyâre pretty nice. I already saw them just now,â Xu Tingsheng smiled.
Li Wanâer shot him a furious glare before saying, âI forgot to bring pyjamas. What do I do now?â
âI brought two sets. You can have one. It may be a little big, but just make do.â
Xu Tingsheng got up and fished about for pyjamas in his luggage, casually asking in the meantime, âRight, these clothes of yoursâŠwhen did you prepare them?â
He had already previously discovered that Li Wanâer was different from last time.
She had learnt some new things. While she had still been unable to let herself go, compared to how she had been back in Shenghai previously, she was totally like a âdemonessâ this timeâŠbe it in terms of her clothing, movements or tone, all of which had changed greatly.
âMy cousin bought them,â Li Wanâer said softly.
Xu Tingsheng grasped some new information. Li Wanâer had already mentioned this cousin of hers twice that night.
âApart from buying you clothes, what else did your cousin teach you?â A curious Xu Tingsheng asked.
âUmâŠnoth, nothing,â While Li Wanâer was saying that there was nothing, her expression clearly showed that there was something.
After a while, she seemed to have resolved herself for something, made some decision.
Li Wanâer said, âActually, there was alsoâŠâ
Xu Tingsheng asked, âWhat else was there?â
âSomeâŠmovements,â Now, Li Wanâer glanced at Xu Tingsheng, first switching from upright to prone position before calling him back to the bed, carefully reaching out to grab a hand of his.
That hand was placed on her waist.
Then, the person under the blanket with a decade of experience in yoga was like a small boat amidst the waves, rising and falling and rocking along with the winds and tidesâŠrocking about choppilyâŠthat vessel swayed, oh swayed amidst the turbulent wavesâŠ
She had originally wanted to let the youthful, hot-blooded him have his way for a bit, just a bit, not letting him see it, just letting him feel itâŠ
Yet, the smooth blanket slid off her bodyâŠ
Li Wanâer raised her head and glanced up at Xu Tingsheng. He was looking.
Li Wanâer was blushing a deep crimson. She looked discomfited indeedâŠembarrassed beyond compare. Still, she bit her lips, forcibly bearing these feelings of embarrassment and humiliation as she allowed that small boat to continue rocking, rocking to the point that oneâs mind could not help but be shaken along with it.
Xu Tingsheng spoke in a hoarse, repressed tone, âYour cousin taught you very well.â
Li Wanâer finally stopped, panickedly pulling up the blanket to cover herself before she reached out and pinched the tender flesh at Xu Tingshengâs waist, âDonât laugh! Iâm so old alreadyâŠand yet Iâm actually doing this sort of thing.â
Xu Tingsheng said, âIâm not laughing. Is there anything else?â
Looking at him, Li Wanâer hesitated for a while before she nodded.
âŠSome time passed. She stopped, panting delicately.
Xu Tingsheng asked, âYour cousin taught you this?â
Li Wanâer buried her head in Xu Tingshengâs chest, saying, âHelping me to compete with other women to win your heart. Iâm not going to do that anymoreâŠâ
âNot going to compete, orâŠâ
âI want to be good to the man I will be bearing a child for in the future, to care for him. Canât I?â Li Wanâer looked up at Xu Tingsheng, mimicking his earlier tone as she smiled brightly.
âYour cousinâs awesome,â Xu Tingsheng said, âSoâŠthe way you spoke earlier, your expression and all that, Iâm guessing that was her too?â
Li Wanâer nodded rather embarrassedly.
âThen, is there anything else?â Xu Tingshengâs gaze was fiery hot.
âThe rest were all wordsâŠthose I canât say,â Li Wanâer said nervously.
âSuch as bully me, right?â Xu Tingsheng asked.
Li Wanâer shook her head, âNo, I thought of that myself. That wasnât what she taught me. Those things she taught me are much more difficult to sayâŠâ
âDevastate me,â The conflicted Li Wanâer struggled for a long time before she finally managed to force these words out of her mouth.
The originally heated atmosphere immediately changed. Xu Tingsheng was unable to keep himself from laughing as he clutched his stomach, âWell⊠your cousin and her husband are really valiant people indeed. Is there anything else?â
Li Wanâer angrily reached out and pinched him, pursing her lips as she vehemently shook her head to indicate that she definitely wouldnât say it.
Xu Tingsheng pushed her a little, âAuntie Wanâer, donât be so petty! Say it out and let me laugh!â
Li Wanâer glared at him for a good while before swiftly saying exasperatedly, âAbuse me.â
Xu Tingsheng nearly ended up rolling on the floor laughing with that. He raised his hand in surrender, proclaiming, âIâve been conquered by your cousin.â
When he finally calmed down, Li Wanâer no longer seemed as awkward as before as she took this as a fun, relaxing topic, continuing, âYou were right. There was conquer. Cousin also taught conquer meâŠ,âŠme,âŠme dead.â
She said the final two phrases.
Xu Tingshengâs breathing fell into disarray.
These two phrases were much in the same vein as they were actually very crude. However, his breathing became heavy.
He looked at Li Wanâer for a long while, the latter only then losing her teasing mood from earlier as she asked softly on sensing his rather strange mood, âWhatâs with you?â
Xu Tingsheng directly reached out and embraced her, pressing her close to his ear as he said in a commanding tone, âI want to hear you say those last two things again.â
Li Wanâer looked at him and could be certain that he was very serious, his expression no longer being that joking one from earlier.
ââŠme,â Li Wanâer hesitated for a long time before softly, slowly leaning into Xu Tingshengâs ear and repeating that phrase.
With that, Xu Tingsheng seemed like he had been entirely lit ablaze.
Li Wanâer felt like she herself seemed to have been lit ablaze as well. Awkwardness, shyness, rashnessâŠthese feelings surged all at once. It was overwhelmingly different from when she had said this very same phrase earlier, the difference between the two instances being worlds apart.
Li Wanâer was unable to stop herself from breathlessly, slowly saying another phrase into Xu Tingshengâs ear, ââŠme dead.â
This woman was shy, sometimes even seeming like she was aloof to the happenings of this world as she was mild, quiet, elegantâŠyet, she had said the crudest thing to a man who was eleven years younger than her.
Xu Tingsheng clenched his teeth and pulled the blanket off him in a single motion, saying, âIâll take a bath.â
Li Wanâer knew what this meant. Back in Shenghai, he had taken a bath as well. She hesitated for a moment before reaching out and grabbing his arm, whispering, âNo need. Let, let me help you.â
Xu Tingsheng was surprised as he asked, âI thought you didnât knowâŠwell, I guess your cousin taught you this too?â
Li Wanâer bashfully nodded, âYeah.â
âWhat about you? Do you need me to help you too?â
âHuh? But Iâm notâŠâ Li Wanâer shook her head vehemently.
Li Wanâer turned off the lights.
âTo be good to the woman who will bear me a child in the future,â He said.
âTo be good to the man I will be bearing a child for in the future,â She said.
The house was illuminated by the translucent light of spring.
Till things gradually fell silent.
âWe seem to be deceiving ourselves,â Li Wanâer said.
âYeah,â Xu Tingsheng said.
âRemember not to treat me too well.â
âSleep then. Lean against me,â He said.