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Chapter 109. < The Way She Loves. (1) >
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Translator: thursdays Editor: Yahiko PR: LightBrin
1.
The Lady of the Silver Lily stood in the corridor in the dead of night.
Behind her was a large mirror.
A mirror big enough to reflect her whole body.
Smooth and clean.
The mirror where moonlight reflected only the lady’s poised back. The mirror reflected just a ray of moonlight and silver hair, so the Lady of the Silver Lily looked like an island alone in a dark sea.
“You’re speechless.”
“……”
“And you look troubled. Your expression is clear. Even at night, I can read it. Just by looking at your face, I can see that it’s the [first one].”
The first one?
My heart had been quaking with anxiety from earlier. It was still doing so now. Why was the Lady of the Silver Lily speaking so kindly to me?
A heartless and rational sword toward everyone. She was the moon of the Ivansia family.
A reason to be kind to me, the butler of the Lady of the Golden Silk… didn’t exist.
There shouldn’t have been any.
“…I was being silent because I did not know what to say. Please forgive me if I was rude. Heiress Ivansia, this… Is this a dream? Are you appearing in my dream?”
The Lady of the Silver Lily reacted by looking at me with a strange expression. The smile on her lips somehow felt like a scar.
“That’s an interesting question. Indeed, your dream has consumed my life. I now know that love is just giving one’s life to support another’s dream.”
What did that mean?
“I become your dream, and you become my life. This exchange of dreams and lives is what we call love.”
What could she possibly mean?
I didn’t understand what she was saying. There were many other things I did not know, too.
The Lady of the Silver Lily explained one of the things I did not know with her scar-like smile.
“However, you probably didn’t ask that question in a romantic way. I shall answer you seriously. Don’t worry because you don’t see any servants. I told them to go back.”
“Why…?”
“And I shall warn you. Never call me [Heiress] with your mouth again.”
The Lady of the Silver Lily smiled.
“I will tear out your heart and kill you.”
“……”
I didn’t understand.
Just now, the Lady of the Silver Lily showed killing intent toward me. She wasn’t joking when she said she would kill me. It wasn’t a bluff, either. If I called her ‘Heiress’ one more time, her rapier would surely stab my heart.
That’s what would happen, but…
‘Why?’
Why was her threat not cold but rather warm and tender?
Was it possible for a death threat to be so heartwarming?
“Come here.”
Her voice beckoned me. I couldn’t refuse her. As I approached the Lady of the Silver Lily, she pointed to the full-body mirror. “What do you see?”
“…I can see the lady standing next to me.”
“And?”
“The dark corridor… The moonlight is barely present. I see almost nothing beside you and me. It’s all buried in the darkness.”
“And?” asked Lady of the Silver Lily.
It was bizarre. She wanted another answer, as if there was something else I should have seen in the mirror. But what was it?
“What else do you see?”
“……”
“Don’t hide it. Say it.”
I tried to look harder into the mirror. I furrowed my brows and crinkled my forehead. Still, everything looked much the same.
‘As expected, there’s only darkness. Extraordinary red eyes and…’
It was then. Prick! My head ached.
Words I couldn’t understand flashed before my eyes.
+
■■■
■■■: ■■
■■ [■■], [■■■], [■■], [■■]
■■ ■■
■■ ■■■: [■cher], [Lo■], [■■■ ■■], [■■■], [■■■], [■■■■], [■■], [■] ■■ ■■■ ■ ■■ ■], [■■■■ ■■■■ ■],
[■■ ■■■■■]
+
“Oof, whuuh…?!”
I retched.
-Kim ■ja ■■ pl■ ■ ■■ ■t!
[■■■■ war■■■ ■■■■■ ■■■■!]
I reflexively wrapped my hands around my neck. My neck hurt for a moment, but I didn’t know why.
I couldn’t do anything about stuff I didn’t know, so I thought about something else.
‘I’m glad my stomach wasn’t full.’
I hadn’t vomited. Throwing up in front of the Duke of Ivansia’s daughter would be terrible. I desperately pressed down my nausea.
The Lady of the Silver Lily was calm.
“I asked what you could see.”
She was a very cold person.
There was a bitter taste on the tip of my tongue.
“Words… I see strange letters. And voices… Weird voices are… I don’t really know.”
“Voices.”
The Lady of the Silver Lily smiled very slightly at that word. This smile looked more like a smile than the one a little while ago.
“You’re being loved.”
“What are you saying…”
“Tell me about the words.”
She moved on so quickly, without any explanations, that I just stared blankly at her. Suddenly, her smile turned arid, and she calmly repeated herself without pushing me.
“Did you not say you see strange letters? Tell me about them.”
“…They’re hard to see. I don’t see complete words… just a few letters… Fragments…?”
“Read me at least one fragment.”
“Cher… Lo… Other than that, absolutely nothing.”
“Hmm.”
The Lady of the Silver Lily put her hand on her chin.
For some reason, her brows were furrowed.
“I see. [Cher] is part of [Teacher], and [Lo] is from [Lover]. What’s left at the end is very much like you. But your master comes before your lover? It’s understandable, but I don’t like it.”
“Lady, there are too many things I don’t understand. You said this isn’t a dream, but if it isn’t, what do you want from me?”
“I want you.”
“I apologize. I don’t understand that either—”
“What dream did you have?”
The Lady of the Silver Lily simply cut off my words.
‘No matter how much power the Ivansia duchy holds—’
‘I am the one and only butler of the Lady of the Golden Silk—’
‘His Highness the Crown Prince favors the young lady, but this treatment is—’
Countless thoughts were tangled in my head.
But none of them rang in my heart. Like music without rhythm, they soon faltered.
“I don’t remember much. But in my dream…”
What came out of my mouth, in the end, was an obedient answer to the lady’s question.
“In your dream.”
“…You looked at me and cried.”
That was right.
“I was in a chair… I think I was tied to it. With something like a rope. I don’t know why I was tied, but only you were there in the ornate room, looking down at me.”
Just before waking up.
I had definitely seen that sight.
“My heart hurt. My chest… It was pierced by your blade. But I don’t think that was all. In my dream, I…”
“You?”
“…I felt extremely guilty, like I had wronged you.”
“Yes.”
The Lady of the Silver Lily smiled again.
My insides churned, and I felt like just looking at the smile would make me cry.
“At least you know to be sorry.”
“……”
“Do you know why you dreamed something like that?”
“No. I don’t know. Not at all…”
“It’s because that is my [trauma].”
Trauma.
“I haven’t told you yet, but my mother committed suicide.”
What?
I paled in shock.
“I was too young to understand why she committed suicide. The duke’s wife. The moon of Ivansia. A woman with such power and wealth ended her life herself. I didn’t know why, but I do clearly remember the words my mother whispered to me on her last night, how she was cremated quickly like a coverup.”
This.
This was something I shouldn’t know. I shouldn’t even listen. I couldn’t believe the Ivansia duchy was hiding such a secret. It was a terrible secret that could be used to start a political war.
“However.”
The Lady of the Silver Lily looked at me.
“Even that memory did not become my trauma.”
“……”
“The crown prince gave a blue coral ring to the Lady of the Golden Silk today.”
One step.
The Lady of the Silver Lily came closer to me.
“In a past life, that made me despair. Or perhaps I was angry. You can say that I was jealous or envious. All these filled my heart. Cursing the world, I took a sword and stabbed the heart reflected in the mirror.”
However, there was no sound of footsteps.
Only then did I realize she was barefoot.
“But even that is no longer my trauma.”
Press.
The lady’s foot stepped on my shoe.
The light and insignificant weight tied down one of my feet. If I wanted to retreat, I could have, and if I wanted to shake her off, it would have been simple. Nonetheless, the weight on my foot kept me there.
“Ten days, repeating eternally.”
Her hand drew nearer.
“My world, stained in blood and perishing. The demons mocking me, imitating my tongue and lips. Everything that once scarred my heart is no longer my trauma.”
A light grip.
“They stopped being my trauma.”
My neck.
“From now on, you are the only one who can hurt my heart.”
Both of her hands loosely held my neck.
“Even if someone with the most wicked tongue cursed me for two days, it wouldn’t measure to the sighs you send me in ignorance.”
From her little finger to her forefinger. From the thinnest to the thickest finger, I felt every single bit of the pressure she put on me.
“Even if someone with the most spite and hatred toward me were to beat me and whip me, the pain wouldn’t compare to your scoffs. Even though many people in this world can kill my body, you are the only one who can hurt and kill my soul.”
I was suffocating.
“So my trauma has already been locked on one thing.”
The grip on my neck tightened.
“L-lady…”
“You idiot. I clearly warned you.”
『If you break my heart, I’ll kill you.』
“You. You scarred me.”
Warm skin.
Red eyes smiled.
“I haven’t broken a promise since I was four years old. Die.”
“……, ……”
“Die, and love me again.”
I.
I couldn’t resist for some reason.
[You have died.]
Then.
[The trauma of the enemy who killed you is being reenacted.]
[The severity of the penalty is moderate.]
[The penalty is the Hungry Ghost Road.]
The dream within a dream spread.
ㆍ
ㆍ
ㆍ
I don’t want to kill you.
That was what Raviel Ivansia thought when she looked at the man in front of her. She didn’t want to lose him. It was laughable how greedily she wanted to monopolize him.
-Milady. Think about it. Since it’s Your Ladyship, you’ll think the same thing I’ve thought of. You’re also a regressor.
This man was dangerous.
Raviel quickly discerned what he was trying to do. He was going to completely immerse himself in the role of the butler. Then, by regressing one day from the butler’s perspective, he would return to a time before she gave her heart to the mirror.
He would flip the game board itself.
‘It’s a brilliant idea.’
It was a strategy that targeted the loophole in the Tower.
‘He looks gentle, but these tricks come from that head.’
It was good that the man she came to love was not stupid. Indeed, it was very pleasant. Nevertheless, Raviel Ivansia objected.
-But, Gongja. This is dangerous.
The reason was clear.
-I won’t remember you.
She, Raviel Ivansia, would not remember Kim Gongja.
Even if he regressed and stopped her from stabbing the mirror heart, thus preventing the tragedy of the eternal ten days, it meant nothing if she couldn’t remember him.
-I don’t want to kill you.
-I want to live with you.
My days with you.
The first holiday I was allowed, resting for 15 days.
All of these memories made up who I am now. Once they were gone, I would no longer be Raviel Ivansia.
Does the man in front of me know that? That I wouldn’t be grateful at all if I escaped the labyrinthine ten days like this?
-It’ll be all right.
He seemed to know.
-I’ll definitely resolve the issue somehow.
Seeing how detestably he spoke, he probably knew.
-Please trust me.
-……
Raviel Ivansia was silent.
She was briefly paralyzed by the cruelty of his words. Trust him? Without any explanation, trust him? Tardily, too late, she regretted her promise from a few days ago. But this was too serious for Raviel Ivansia to be trapped by paralysis and regret.
‘I’ll trust you.’
She would trust the man she loved. She would trust in that man’s ability. He was the man whom she chose. He was hers. He would definitely succeed, [no matter what], to persuade the Tower to regress to the previous day.
The real problem would come after that.
‘How can I reverse the immersion rate if it’s over 90%?’
If he succeeded in returning to the previous day, then he would be unable to remember who he was. Even if he remembered anything, it would only be a vague feeling. It would be impossible for him to remember the days that he spent with her in any detail.
‘……’
No.
‘Wait a moment.’
There was a way.
Raviel groaned when she thought of it, and then she groaned again. The rumor that all of the poison in the empire came from her heart flashed in her mind. It didn’t for long. She couldn’t waste time like that.
Raviel Ivansia realized that she would have to follow through on her plan.
‘I must—’
Thus, Raviel Ivansia reflected in her heart what she would have to do and how.
‘—I must kill this man.’
Trauma.
The man had confessed almost everything about himself to her. He informed her that a side effect of his ability was viewing the memory of the person who killed him.
‘If I embed this moment into my trauma.’
When she killed him, he would see [this moment].
It wasn’t the past or anything, but it was this exact moment while she was thinking.
-……
If so. If she could pull it off.
-I can tell him what I want to say, give him what memories I want to pass on, let him know everything again.
-He can remember through me.
-All right.
Raviel was convinced that she could do it.
-I’ve become your first bitch of a lover, and you’ll be my last.
Gongja.
-Really, I ended up with a bad man as my lover.
Are you listening?
I am happy because of you. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to let go of the time I’ve spent with you like this.
You said this before. That you would ‘write a diary starting today.’ You said that you would show me all of your days. Those words, were they lies?
You said, ‘I will learn music.’ I wanted to spend a quiet evening listening to you play. Was that wish really a lie?
I want to see your days. I want to say goodnight to you. Your days will surely make me smile, and evenings with you will be happy. I want my smile and your happiness to overlap.
I don’t want to kill you.
I don’t want to lose you.
-How are you?
-I’m… for now, it’s okay… More.
-You’re asking me for more kisses. My lover is truly spoiled.
Look at me.
Look at you beside me.
You’re a dumb person. You’re also naive. I wondered how you survived in the world with such innocence, but I soon learned that you had died thousands of times.
You had many reasons to abandon your innocence. There were few reasons to keep your naivety. To you, who did not throw away your innocence despite the many reasons and kept it when you didn’t need to, I simply say:
I love your innocence.
-Are you still all right?
-Raviel…
Are you afraid because you’re losing yourself? Is it scary?
-I love you. I love you, Raviel…
-I know.
It’s all right.
-Even if I’m born again, I’ll still love you…
I’m here.
Just as I believe in you, you should believe in me.
Rely on me.
-So… so that I can never forget you, don’t let me forget you even if I die…
-I know.
You alone cannot protect yourself.
I alone cannot protect this world.
But if it’s the two of us, you and I, we can do anything.
I’m also afraid. Killing you is terrifying.
Staying beside you, even though I know I’ll be hurt, is hellishly frightening.
But my fears will not stand in my way of being with you.
Look.
-…Good heavens.
Finally, you, who has become your role of the butler, speak to me.
-Heiress Ivansia.
Crush.
My heart was in pain. It hurt.
It felt lonely when you called me not [Milady] but [Heiress] instead.
-Did you abduct me?
A face with no trust. The way you look at me so suspiciously hurts. It’s torture when you react like you’ve never seen me before.
-This is too much. No matter how much power the Ivansia Duchy holds under this sky, this is excessive. Do you hate the Lady of the Golden Silk so much as to threaten a servant like me?
Listen.
This is the scar you left on me.
-Gongja.
Don’t forget.
-…Who are you calling for?
Never. Don’t forget, even if you die.
-My lover.
The man who offered me his heart.
-The man to whom I will offer mine.
You, in this place.
You live in my heart.
-Have a safe trip.
-……
-I’ll be waiting for you.
Are you listening?
Can you hear it?
Gongja.
I love you.