One summer day when they were still in senior high school.

“Ji Seok is lying down after taking medicine. I think it’s hard for him to get up right after he slept so soundly.”

I told Woo Seo about Ji Seok’s condition on his behalf, that he had an untimely summer cold that prevented him from getting out of bed. Woo Seo, who came to receive tutoring on a rare weekend, frowned when he heard about Ji Seok’s situation. Cutely, if he had known beforehand, whether it was medicine or congee, he would have bought it. For my younger brother who catches colds during summer, I prepared medicine in advance and these days, congee can be delivered, but Woo Seo’s expression was not easy to smooth out.

Throughout the tutoring lesson, I could tell that Woo Seo’s mind was concentrated elsewhere. He mulled over the problems for a long time, which usually he would have solved quickly, and when I explained something, he couldn’t understand it the first time. When he got the question he just learned wrong three times in a row, I thought I’d better get a cup of coffee.

I had prepared an Americano for Woo Seo, who doesn’t like sweets, then on my way back to the room, I found Ji Seok’s door slightly ajar. I opened the door wondering if Ji Seok was awake; all I could see was my brother, who was deep asleep, and Woo Seo, who looked heartbroken with his hand on Ji Seok’s forehead. He didn’t frown even though he was hurting, but the sight of him looking over Ji Seok looked like the most painful thing in the world.

If it had ended there, I might have not been convinced. Even if I noticed the subtle look and strange atmosphere that didn’t feel like simply watching a friend, I could have overlooked it.

But then, Woo Seo drove a wedge into my thoughts. He carefully lowered his lips, briefly kissed the oblivious Ji Seok, then stroked my younger brother’s hot cheeks with a bitter expression.

I almost forgot the coffee in my hand.

It wasn’t because of the fact that Woo Seo liked my brother, but it was because when I noticed it, my heart was strangely stirred. An unexpected emotion seized my mind and squeezed it tight, my vision was shaking as badly as my heart.

I slowly took a step backwards and headed to my room where we were doing the tutoring lessons. I placed the two cups of Americano down on the table, glancing at the textbooks, workbooks, and writing supplies.

One by one, every time something caught my eye, it would appear together with Woo Seo.

A graceful face with long lashes looking down at the textbook; a slender white hand holding and moving the mechanical pencil making a pleasant rustling sound; pointing to a difficult problem in the workbook with a sweet voice asking for answers; and gentle eyes that naturally curves whenever they caught sight of Ji Seok.

Even when he wasn’t in front of my eyes, I could quickly and vividly picture him; I smiled hollowly thinking of Shin Woo Seo.

Before I knew it, Woo Seo had penetrated deep into my heart. The more I thought about who his eyes have always been following, the more my heart ached and filled with more jealousy I couldn’t control, and the more my throat felt suffocated.

‘You’re crazy, Kang Ji Geon.’

With both hands covering my face, I silently reflected on myself.

‘When did it start? Why?’

No matter how hard I searched through my mind, I couldn’t find the answer. After realizing I already had feelings for that person, I knew that, even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t be able to find the moment I came to like him. I’ve just liked every moment I’ve been with him.

I didn’t know that the day I’d confirm the other person’s heart, would be when I’d realize my own feelings. Even worse, that someone is a boy seven years younger who is a friend of my brother and likes him.

It could be said it was the worst of the worst. As soon as I recalled my feelings, the hopelessness and spiritlessness that came with it made me want to beat myself up. I never expected that I’d be standing in the middle of a damn love triangle.

I had no options when I realized I had special feelings for Woo Seo. What can I do, I felt like I’d been dumped before I even started. I knew my heart would be unreciprocated, so I had to hide it deeply away.

++++++++++

I tried to pretend that I didn’t care, but after I became aware, it didn’t work out the way I thought it would. Again and again I would become conscious of Woo Seo; his eyes, his actions and his every word to the point I felt overwhelmed with emotion.

For an adult to constantly think of themself at that time was extremely immature. I wasn’t good at controlling my emotions and suddenly found that I couldn’t accept the situation.

At some point, I felt that I was hitting a wall with Woo Seo. He often pushed me away, overreacted to small favors, and avoided me by pretending to be busy unless it was for tutoring. I hadn’t even been contacted since the CSAT, so I tried to forget Woo Seo by putting all my energy into the business that I had been slowly preparing since before.

It’s been three years since Woo Seo became an adult and since I’ve met him face to face.

Even then, Woo Seo stayed beside Ji Seok. If one listens to Ji Seok often, one will realize that Woo Seo really liked him a lot. Others might not notice, but I could tell as soon as I heard, whether it was as a friend or a different sense of affection.

One day, while listening to a story about Woo Seo, I asked Ji Seok, supposing ‘what if.’

Ji Seok burst into laughter and showed no signs of hesitation.

“It’s not going to happen, but if it does, of course I’m going to refuse. I can’t, with a man.”

Kang Ji Seok, whether other were gay or not, was not a prejudiced person, but the person involved was obviously straight. From the most fundamental biological part, Shin Woo Seo was beyond Kang Ji Seok’s range of acceptance, poor guy.

I had mixed feelings, but I didn’t think much of it. He couldn’t be with Kang Ji Seok anyway, so I wasn’t so thoughtless as to say how I felt. Even though I was the one who raised the wall and started drifting away, I didn’t want him to have complicated feelings because of me. Until now, I’ve never been dumped before, so I was afraid that I’d have to admit that, naturally, I’d be rejected.

I already knew the fact that Shin Woo Seo liked Kang Ji Seok, and it’s been a long time since I’ve abandoned my heart. If he wouldn’t look at me anyway, the only answer was to bury my heart and feelings deeper than I’ve ever done before. Then there will come a day when I will meet someone else I like, and I will give them my heart with new emotions; that’s enough to forget about Shin Woo Seo.

As I started my business, I was so absorbed in my work that I couldn’t think of anything else. As a result, there was almost no time to talk with Ji Seok. On the contrary, I thought it was rather good; naturally, I couldn’t hear anything about Woo Seo so I was all the more focused on my work.

However, that didn’t mean I didn’t go on dates. I didn’t bother to stop anyone who wanted to be lovers, whether it was someone I’d naturally meet at work or by chance on the streets. Being a couple didn’t make any difference. I had no intentions to fulfill my duties as a lover, I just had to do what the other wanted.

Get along appropriately, talk appropriately, intermingle bodies appropriately, drawing boundaries appropriately, and then parting appropriately. In the process, I was constantly told that I was too cold-hearted. They say that they feel like I’m only looking for practicality in a relationship, without smiling properly or saying a word of kindness to my lover. They weren’t wrong, so I repeatedly threw away my partners without any excuse and again, start dating someone new.

Do I have to be affectionate?

Anyway, we’re just together to satisfy each other’s desires.

++++++++++

It was the day of an important conference for the company to appeal to new partners and investors.

I belatedly discovered that some of the essential materials I needed were missing, and I rushed home to get the USB containing the originals.

No matter how busy I was these days, I criticized myself for losing my mind then suddenly I remembered the message Ji Seok sent me. It was a message to notify me that it just so happened that everyone was coming back late, so he was going to do a group project with his friend at home.

Surely, as expected, Shin Woo Seo was there in the house.

He felt much more mature and a bit taller than he was three years ago when I last saw him. His white skin and clear features remained the same, but his atmosphere over all had become a bit more serious, unlike the big childish Ji Seok.

I thought I had sorted it all out by then, but the moment I made contact with Woo Seo’s eyes, I knew I was wrong. It’s been more than three years since we haven’t seen each other, and the fluttering of my heart felt awkward. Even though we had a brief relationship in the past, I’ve forgotten the all names of my lovers, but I don’t know why even with my hectic schedule, I couldn’t do the same with Shin Woo Seo.

While I was suppressing the emotions that crept up from deep inside, Woo Seo bowed his head and said hello. Unlike the gentle smile he used to have when our eyes met in the past, there was not a single smile around his mouth. I looked into Woo Seo’s eyes, who showed a nervous expression, and knew that this was the result of the wall I had built.

When Woo Seo’s nervous eyes glanced towards Ji Seok, there was a melancholic mood, and I wanted to reach out to him immediately and make him look at me. From the moment I looked up, my pent-up emotions became more chaotic than I could imagine.

The feeling of my emotions not going the way I want put me in a bad mood. When I felt that I wanted to remove Ji Seok to somewhere Woo Seo’s eyes could not reach, I couldn’t bear it any longer and looked away.

‘Concentrate on your work. Let’s just get the USB and get out of here.’

My head filled with such thoughts. So when I came out after getting the USB in a hurry, I almost bumped into Woo Seo who was walking out of the kitchen. While supporting Woo Seo’s body and holding the cup of water so that he wouldn’t drop it, his eyes grew round, maybe from the surprise of the close call to disaster.

Woo Seo, who had been embraced in my arms, looked up, putting me in his eyes, and moved his lips slightly.

“Sorry.”

Gentle eyes and a sweet voice melded together. At the same time, he pretended to not be secretly mindful of Ji Seok. It might have been an unconscious habit.

‘Look at me.’

‘Don’t look at Kang Ji Seok. Look at me.’

I swallowed the words lingering on my lips with difficulty. Ignoring my heart’s frantic beating from just a brief moment of contact, I casually stroked Woo Seo’s head.

‘Let’s never meet again.’

I left the house swallowing the words I couldn’t bring myself to say. Even then, the warmth of Woo Seo’s [body] remained in my arms, and I didn’t know if it would disappear.

The next day.

Along with the agony of a terrible fever, I opened my eyes picturing Shin Woo Seo’s face for some reason.