CH 95

I finished my meal and came to the bathroom to escape.

Even though it was just a memory, it was embarrassing to cry in front of my parents.

After that, I showered and washed my hair and body.

“Uh-oh.”

I put my body back in the tub to soak in the water a bit more..

After all, a bath is nice, isn’t it?

It makes me feel better.

As I counted the number of spots on the ceiling, I wondered.

“Where am I?”

There is no such thing as coming back to Japan.

I stared at my hands.

It looks like a real hand…

I cupped my face, but my nose, mouth and eyes were still attached.

I can’t help but feel like I’m actually here.

I just want to stay in this happy space for a little while longer, that’s what I think.

“I can’t …do that.”

There’s someone out there waiting for me.

I know I can’t just stay here like this.

I just can’t figure out how to get back.

If I die, I might be able to return to that world.

When people talk about suicide, do they mean the standard hanging?

There’s also jumping off into the ocean, right?

It’s a method of suicide that causes trouble for others, but I’ve also heard of people throwing themselves from stations onto platforms.

Or a wrist cut?

I don’t like any of them.

And …even if it is a memory, I would never want to take my own life.

■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■

When I got out of the bath, my dad was drinking wine.

“Whoa. Yuta, you came at the right time, come hang out with me.”

It’s an invitation for a nightcap.

I’m not that good with wine.

“Okay, just for a second.”

I took a glass of wine from the shelf and sat down across from my dad.

Then my dad poured me a glass of wine.

“Cheers.”

I poured the wine into my mouth.

I don’t really like this astringent taste.

I think grape juice tastes better because …maybe my tongue is just too young.

“When was the last time you had a drink with your dad?”

“Isn’t this the first time since last New Year’s? You didn’t show up for Obon.”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

Why didn’t I go home for Obon?

Ah, yes…

I was on a trip to Europe.

First and last time in Europe.

I felt like I’d gone a long way back then, but …I’m a whole lot further away now.

Because I’m in a different world.

“Hey, Dad, what would you think …if I went to some faraway place and never saw my dad or mom again?”

“You have a smartphone nowadays, if you want to contact me, it’s not like you can’t always contact me…”

Dad put his hand on his chin and began to think, “Hmmm.”

If anything, I’m more like my dad than my mom.

I waited for my father’s reply, thinking that I would have looked like this in the future.

“Is there anyone you care about?”

“Someone I care about?”

“I’ve been telling you for a long time that I don’t care where you are, what school you went to, what company you work for, but I care about the people you care about, and that’s much more important.”

That’s what he told me.

My father laughed at me when I failed in my exams and job interviews, telling me not to worry.

He told me to be a person who cares about others rather than such titles as education or company name.

“There are… many of them.”

The servants who adore me.

A friend I became friends with at the school.

A teacher who points the way for me.

I met a lot of people over there.

All of them are my loved ones—.

“Then it’s no problem, wherever you go, you’re my son—go for it.”

“Why is Dad…”

He’s that kind of person.

“What’s wrong?”

“No, it’s nothing.”

I gulped down the rest of my wine.

“Don’t drink too much, Dad.”

I said as I got up from my seat.