CH 53

Lim Dae-han and I were seated on the sofa in the living room, with only the orange night light turned on. Dae-ryong was wrapped around Lim Dae-han’s arm. He was drowsy, so he whined differently than he did during the day.

“You said he wouldn’t wake up at night.”

When I told him, he tilted his head as if he didn’t expect it.

“What’s wrong with you today.”

“Hyung… hyung… I thought you were going to sleep with Dae-ryong-i today…”

“I’m sorry.”

Dae-ryong intervened and added one word at a time. My heart broke by the sad whining voice. Ham. Dae-ryong yawned and rubbed his eyes on Lim Dae-han’s shoulder before burying his body.

“…”

“…”

It felt somewhat awkward. It was difficult to live with a family. I was unaware of it because I only did it at Dae-han’s house. I looked at Dae-han’s eyes as I recited weird thoughts one after the other. Dae-ryong was burying his face on the other side of my sight, so I buried my chin on his shoulder. Lim Dae-han raised the corners of his mouth quietly as he looked at me from the side.

“Is it heavy?”

“No. It feels like feathers.”

Lim Dae-han also threw a joke that didn’t feel like it. It will be a little heavy though.

I opened my arms that had been quietly laid down.

“I want to put Dae-ryong to sleep.”

Dae-ryong, who was whimpering while clutching Dae-han, drew himself away from Dae-han and looked at me. He put his thumb quietly against his lips. His eyelashes were wet with tears.

Dae-ryong stared at me calmly, then stepped away from him and into my arms, hugging me. I couldn’t put Dae-ryong to sleep, so I lay him on my side and gave him an arm pillow. And I leaned against Dae-han’s shoulder.

Dae-ryong exhaled again and fell asleep not long after. I stroked Dae-ryong’s soft cheek with the back of my hand. We were the only ones left. The orange light made the atmosphere denser.

Maybe he could answer me now. I opened my mouth to ask what had been bothering him since dinner.

“Dae-han.”

“Yeah.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Ask me.”

Dae-han responded lightly. I asked while touching Dae-ryong’s nails. As casually as possible.

“You… What did you talk about with your parents earlier?”

“…”

“You said I could ask.”

Lim Dae-han tilted his head to the side. I even rubbed my cheek on the top of his head when he came to my side. But there was no response. When I finally looked up at him, Dae-han secretly avoided my eyes.

“Ki Young-hyun.”

“Yeah.”

“I want to grow up quickly.”

“…”

“I used to just kill time because I had nothing to do, but I want to become an adult soon after I meet you. So that I can take responsibility for my life.”

I knew he couldn’t have told his parents about his wish to grow up quickly. That was what elementary school students want.

But I used to think about my future with Lim Dae-han. He needed to study because of this. I desired that we attend the same university. If it was too difficult, I’d like to live in the same house at least. We don’t fight often, so living together would be okay.

We would occasionally drink beer, cook together, clean together, work part-time jobs, attend each other’s colleges, and drink together at college where we were surrounded by others our age. Becoming an adult who could legally drink alcohol.

I was excited that it wasn’t just me that wanted it, but I was also concerned about why I was talking about it right now.

And Lim Dae-han.

“When I’m in third grade, I’ll start attending the career class. I’m not preparing for college.”

My eyebrows twitched when I heard it. I asked back because I thought I might have misheard it.

“What?”

“I want to go to career class. I’m here to talk about it.”

I was perplexed by Lim Dae-han’s statements. So I couldn’t respond and simply blinked. The air got frigid in an instant. There was no office worker Lim Dae-han’s in the future I imagined.

I understood in my head. This can happen. He might be looking to make money quickly. Working was a faster way to become an adult than attending college. He now lives on his own with the money he earned, and he must take full responsibility for his own life. Clearly, I understand it in my head. But not in my heart.

I spoke out carefully.

“What did your parents say?”

“Do whatever you want.”

I placed my hand on Dae-ryong’s tummy and gently stroked his chin. Well…. I wanted to say something, but I couldn’t think of anything. Even his parents told him to do whatever he wanted, so there was nothing I could say.

“… What about the teacher?”

“Think about it again.”

“Why?”

“My grades have improved a lot.”

It was true. Dae-han has made significant progress. Even though it was difficult to handle because his grades from the first year were increased, the mock test was considerably different from what it was just a few months earlier. Now, he even took note and didn’t sleep on his stomach, and he ascended numerous steps in a short period of time by solving problems till the test was over. And, as we were still in our second year, he had plenty of time. Lim Dae-han was skilled at memorizing, therefore he could have received a decent mark in his third year if he had studied as he does now.

It wasn’t that I lost objectivity because we were dating, it was the truth.

But I didn’t say anything.

In the end, it was Lim Dae-han’s life, so I couldn’t talk about it. I didn’t know what I should say. I didn’t know if I should just say that I also want to grow up, but I don’t want to grow up yet. Or I’d like to remain a student for a bit longer. I knew in my thoughts that Lim Dae-han took a career class in order to gain a job straight away, but I was also saddened.

Even the teacher told him to reconsider…

“But the teacher… Told you to reconsider… It’s a little hard to decide right away…”

Lim Dae-han’s gaze turned to me obliquely. I didn’t know what kind of expression he was making, so I just stroked Dae-ryong’s stomach. It was a little difficult to make eye contact.

“What…kind of work do you want to do?”

“I want to work under my parents.”

“Is that so… I see.”

I licked my lips for a moment.  But he should’ve asked me as well. First and foremost, I was experiencing school life with him. We needed to know everything because we were dating! Even if it wasn’t this way.

Even if we’re just friends, we typically talk about it. I haven’t been able to place that much trust in him. I just had a bunch of thoughts.

But, come to think of it, this wasn’t the first time Dae-han had refused to tell me. I don’t carry grudges, yet suddenly, things from the past slipped away.

The summer trip was almost a reminder to me, and even then, when his friends came to his house, he didn’t say anything and went out alone. Also, I had no idea he went to his parent’s house until I asked what he planned to do on the weekend.

The first time we started dating was a relationship that started with let’s get to know each other by taking me to a cafe, which I had never talked to properly. Of course, I refused back then.

He also didn’t say anything when he came to pick me up at my house or when he went to a Chinese restaurant with Jung Ji-pil to eat. Once again, I was never holding grudges. I just thought of it.

“You… Why don’t you tell me anything? You can tell me when you first thought about it.”

I was only attempting to finish it in my thoughts when words came out without me realizing it. I lowered my gaze and looked at Dae-ryong’s plump belly after I finished speaking. Ung… Dae-ryong, who murmured as if sleep talking, turned his body toward me.

“…”

“… ”

We didn’t say anything else after that. I slowly stood up from leaning on Dae-han.

“…Let’s stop and go to sleep.”

I got up from the sofa while carefully holding Dae-ryong in my arms. Lim Dae-han, who had raised his head a beat late, looked at me with a surprised expression.

“Ki Young-hyun.”

“…Yeah.”

“Are you angry?”

There was nothing to say to Lim Dae-han’s question. ‘I’m not angry, I’m talking about something I’m angry about.’ The sentence went all the way up to his neck. Originally, I knew how to speak to Lim Dae-han, but at this moment, I was somehow annoyed. There were different meanings depending on whether I was pissed off or angry, but I didn’t have to say that right now. Anyone who saw me would notice that I was annoyed. Without realizing it, my face hardened.

“No. I was not angry.”

“Then why…”

“It’s your life, so why would I care?”

Lim Dae-han also hardened his face. His tongue poked out between his lips and wiped his dry lips. Lim Dae-han raised his hand and swept his hair in distress. I looked at him for a while and then went into the bedroom holding Dae-ryong in my arms.

I carefully placed Dae-ryong on the bed and lay beside him. I just stared blankly at the ceiling. Lim Dae-han remained in the living room. There was nothing but silence. However, it was too complicated to pay attention to Dae-han.

I couldn’t sleep. I eventually regretted it. I thought I said something wrong. That wasn’t even necessary for me to say. I’d never had an emotional argument with Lim Dae-han before, so I had no idea how to handle the matter. And it will be the same for Dae-han. We were both immature because it was our first relationship.

I should’ve just said everything that was bothering me. However, the button was hit in response to Lim Dae-han’s question as to whether I was upset. So, unconsciously, I answered more harshly and frankly.

“Haa…”

I took a deep breath and pulled the blanket over my head. Then I turned to the side and lay down. I placed my finger on Dae-ryong’s lips, which bore no resemblance to Lim Dae-han’s. Dae-ryong pursed his lips as though he were about to suck my finger from his mouth.

Dae-ryong wrinkled his brow as soon as I removed my finger from his lips. I thought they didn’t look alike, but after seeing his expressions, I think he does a little bit…

I wriggled out of the covers and turned my gaze to the tightly closed door. Lim Dae-han never came.

***