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“…”
“Holding hands, kissing, sex…”
“Don’t say it.”
“Anyway, it’s all my first time with you.”
The human mind was so indulgent. Just the words from Lim Dae-han that everything was the first time for him as well have already melted my heart and made me feel better. However, there was still distrust in the back of my mind. As I looked at Lim Dae-han without saying a word, he closed his mouth for a moment and sighed as if he was exhaling to relax.
“Still, I’m sorry if I made you angry by going there.”
Lim Dae-han gently apologized. It was a blunt tone. I ripped my eyes open like a flounder. I had to look at it realistically.
“But Dae-han-a.”
“Yeah.”
“Your friends were all there. It’s weird that you’re the only one who doesn’t do it.”
I don’t believe in the word “between themselves,” but it was also hard to believe that friends took it out alone when they were in such a stimulating situation. However, contrary to my concerns, Lim Dae-han responded quite calmly.
“I wasn’t there.”
“Why?”
“Convenience store.”
“What?”
“…”
I asked because I wasn’t sure what he meant. Was he working part-time at a convenience store? I didn’t ask more. Lim Dae-han pulled me again and held me. Even the sound of him swallowing his saliva was able to hear to me. The rain was gradually ceasing. I didn’t know how much time has passed. Lim Dae-han’s arm trembled slightly as it was wrapped around my waist.
“I will never go out like that again. I haven’t been like that since I met you.”
It was true. He used to study with me, then take me home and talk on the phone or exchange messages until late at night.
“So don’t say we’re breaking up.”
“What?”
Breaking up. Me?
What was Lim Dae-han thinking?
Was it because he was afraid that I was going to break up with him?
“Oh, no… We won’t break up.”
My voice was muffled. Lim Dae-han did not respond. My thoughts have already shifted quite a bit. I became exhausted because I was unable to solve all of the problems. I could understand why people drink alcohol. It made people honest enough to ask and answer all of their questions. What followed was pure curiosity.
“Why didn’t you do anything?”
“…”
“If all your friends are playing like that, you’ll want to do it, right?”
Lim Dae-han shook his head. His short hair was dripping wet. I raised my hand and gently stroked his hair, descending along the contours of his face. I was met with a piercing stare.
“I want to do it with someone I like.”
“…”
“I didn’t do it because I wanted to do it with someone I really like. That’s all the reason.”
It felt like my heart was pounding really hard. Lim Dae-han’s eyes were sincere. I was the only one who exchanged all of that with him. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I grabbed Lim Dae-han’s chin and kissed him. The kissing sound lasted a long time before it was cut off. Lim Dae-han’s head lowered slowly.
I didn’t think he’d get better at handling this. I remember the day he asked me out. It was a hot day as if everything were going to ripen. The beginning of summer. Unstable air conditioner. The cicada cried, and the sticky moisture of summer engulfed my body. At that time, in my opinion, Lim Dae-han was a scary, huge, sturdy, rough, rebellious, and violent person.
I pulled out the arm that was hugging Lim Dae-han. Lim Dae-han’s hand was still tightly wrapped around my waist. Despite the fact that I was on his thighs, he didn’t say anything about how heavy I was. I couldn’t see his expression because his face was lowered.
“Dae-han, can’t you raise your head?”
Lim Dae-han remained silent. “Raise your head.” As I urged, he slowly raised his head.
“…”
“…Whoa, look at your face.”
It was difficult to explain with words the expression on Lim Dae-han’s face. Was my face like that? Absolutely not. Lim Dae-han immediately bowed his head again, unsure of the expression he was making. Why was he so shy? We’ve done almost everything together… However, the more I thought about Lim Dae-han, the more I twisted my body for no reason, and somehow I began to feel ashamed.
Perhaps it was due to the blowing air. The jittery drunkenness returned. I wish Lim Dae-han could be a little more honest. I slowly lowered my gaze from the front. Unlike the rippling waves, my heart became calm as I lowered my head to the ground.
“Dae-han.”
I want him to be honest.
“Why did you ask me to date you that day?”
I made eye contact with Dae-han. I asked him, who quickly regained his composure and returned to his usual expression. Lim Dae-han said, “Oh.” briefly.
I used to think of the day when Lim Dae-han confessed to me. Up until then, I had never thought that I and Lim Dae-han would be like this. Lim Dae-han moved his hands around my waist and grabbed the backs of both my hands with one hand. It was big and rough. However, it was so warm.
“I’ll tell you.”
“…”
“But first, let me ask you a question.”
Instead of answering, I nodded my head once.
“Why did you misunderstand and get angry?”
“…”
“Why did you think I lived with other people and get angry?”
Lim Dae-han’s voice was calm, but he couldn’t hide his nervousness toward the end. There was no way I wasn’t able to recognize the writhing emotions in it. Lim Dae-han was patiently waiting for my response. And with that in mind, I felt compelled to respond.
“…Because I like you.”
“…”
“I was upset because I thought you would have done the same thing you did to me to someone else.”
I’ve spent my entire life believing that there was no such thing as jealousy. This was due to the fact that, unlike my older brother, who studied much better than me and was tall and handsome, I lacked many aspects. However, I have never lived my life blaming others for it. I just lived my life satisfied with my situation. But Lim Dae-han was different. I wished that Lim Dae-han was good only to me. It was childish, but it was.
“Oh…”
Lim Dae-han spoke up. I tilted my head slightly, then came back straight up and met his eyes. I simply moved my hand to adjust my posture. I raised my hips and took his hand in mine. To be honest, it was a little weird. Until recently, I was sitting on top of him with both legs outstretched, but this time I was sitting facing him with my legs spread on the Lim Dae-han’s thighs.
I wanted to ask Lim Dae-han if I was heavy or not, but I was too embarrassed. Lim Dae-han placed his hand on my back and used his fingers to climb up my spine.
I reached back and stopped Lim Dae-han’s hand.
“Stop, don’t get distracted. You said you’d tell me.”
“Ki Young-hyun, have you ever liked someone?”
After shaking my head, I answered.
“No one but you.”
“Oh really…”
I just answered, but Lim Dae-han covered his face with the hands that were surrounding my waist. I felt awkward for no reason while looking at Lim Dae-han’s rough hands.
Lim Dae-han eventually let go of his hand. With a silent breath, a voice escaped from his mouth.
“If you like someone…”
“…”
“I keep making bets with myself.”
“…”
“In the end, I couldn’t speak or make eye contact with you even once. I don’t want to blame myself for my being pathetic, so I’m making excuses by betting. If I see Ki Young-hyun in the hallway, I should approach him, and if I see him near his house, I should greet him. It looks like a piece of cake, but it wasn’t. There was no answer other than that. Then I wouldn’t feel pathetic about not being able to talk to you because I didn’t get the chance to meet you.”
Lim Dae-han smiled quietly after completing his speech. The story was heavier than I thought. It was a moment when I faced one person’s feelings. We were staring into each other’s eyes, but I didn’t know what to say. So I kissed Lim Dae-han on both cheeks instead. Lim Dae-han raised an oblique corner of his mouth. It looked strangely pitiful.
“It was the same way that day.”
Lim Dae-han continued to speak.
“There were days when I like you even more than usual. But in the end, there was a distance between you and me. I knew it wouldn’t work, so I made a bet by myself. If I meet Ki Young-hyun, I have to confess my feeling.”
An alleyway lined with old villas. I was completely drenched from the heat.
“And then…”
Lim Dae-han was smoking in the parking lot under the villa in a corner alley.
“You appeared.”
‘Hey, Ki Young-hyun.’
‘Where are you going?’
‘Let’s go get a drink.’
Lim Dae-han’s voice calling to me from the alley where I had run into him came to mind.
I wanted to cry for some reason. My mood was as gloomy as the night sky. I wondered if I would be able to like Lim Dae-han as much as he likes me if I tell him several times that I like him. It was a little scary and pathetic. The experience of liking someone was similar to running a long distance race because I liked Lim Dae-han, who liked me first. Even if I chased him, it was not going to be easy.
“…”
But I was good at running. In middle school, even when the main player who runs in front fell and our class came in last, I was good enough to run ahead and take first place. Even the teacher who was watching the game encouraged me to join the track and field club.
“Don’t bite your lips.”
Lim Dae-han grabbed my chin and bit my lips as if he wasn’t the one speaking sweet words. After I scraped away the dead skin cells, I immediately curled my lips. Lim Dae-han bit and sucked my lips.
Naturally, I wrapped my arms around his neck and felt something heavy between my legs, indicating its presence, but I pretended I didn’t notice. Lim Dae-han continued to kiss me passionately while grabbing my ass and pulling it towards him.
Uh, uh… Our tongues mingled, and nasal sounds naturally flowed. Lim Dae-han opened his mouth wide and bit a handful of my lips, then pushed in his tongue and tickled the roof of my mouth. It was a passionate kiss as if we were going to do something right here.
“Come on, wait…”
Lim Dae-han approached when I drew my head back and my lips moved away for a moment. I put my hand over Lim Dae-han’s chest and stopped him. Then he gently parted his lips and looked me in the eyes. I reached out my fingers and gently stroked his cheeks.
“Dae-han-a.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m going to like you a lot as well. You have to keep liking me.”
Lim Dae-han looked at me with a stiff face for a moment. But there was no response. For some reason, I felt bad again when no sound came out of the gap between those lips. I put my hands on Lim Dae-han’s shoulders. I begged for a response.
“…Okay? Answer me.”
“Wait a minute.”
Lim Dae-han moistened his lips with his tongue, which I had just sucked hard until just now. He couldn’t take it any longer and covered his face with his hands. I muttered and cursed, but I decided to let it slide. I looked at his face and turned my head to the side. Eventually, the rain stopped. Swaaa- The sound of the crashing waves was like my heart.