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I am Neriel. I like her voice.
I like the way her eyes droop when she laughs.
I like when her adult-like tone crumbles for just an instant.
There are many other things I like, like her soft hair, the sparkle in her eyes when she sees macarons, the warm hand she holds out to me.
There are so many things I like about Maria-chan that I can’t name them as fast as I can think of them.
But I, I don’t know what these feelings are.
×　×　×　×
The one to think of the plan to invite Maria-chan and Keito to the villa was Rave-oniisama. Normally, father and the others are at my home so I can’t invite people over, but every year, the time I go to my brother’s villa overlaps with the academy’s long vacation.
I’m always visiting them, so occasionally I should be the host instead.
It was fine for them to stay at my brother’s villa but I would have to prepare the necessities. In the end, I relied on my brother for everything. Despite not being organized by me, the reply to the invitation letter from Maria-chan and Keito said “We’d be happy to, we’re looking forward to it”
I was happy. Of course it was because it had been so long but simply the thought of being with them made me so happy. I’m just happy when I can be with them.
It’s not like we’ve been separated for many years, nor was it a long enough period of time where people would change a lot. I haven’t grown much either.
I thought it would be good to change a little bit so I tried cutting my bangs, but in the end I was worried about being looked at at parties, so I started growing it again.
What am I doing? Why am I like this? I thought I changed a little thanks to Maria-chan but when I’m alone I quickly wither away.
Until Maria-chan came, I was wavering and pondering.
“You cut your hair; it suits you.”
With just a few words, just that, my heart cleared up.
A happy smile, my favorite Maria-chan expression.
I think becoming happy is like this. Every time I see Maria-chan, I feel like I can get stronger. Every time I meet Maria-chan it’s always like this. No, even when we don’t meet, I am thinking about Maria-chan.
I think things like “I want her to taste these delicious sweets.” “This cute dress would suit Maria-chan.” “I wonder if Maria-chan would like this pretty flower?”
My brothers told me that whenever I talk to them, I always talk about Maria-chan.
“Neriel, you really like Maria-sama.”
Abruptly, clearly, I felt like reality was thrust before my eyes.
I like Maria-chan, that is certainly true. I have fun, it’s pleasant, I’m happy. I always want to be together. When she entered the academy, even though I knew I would be joining her in a year, I was lonely.
But, that’s something I can say about Keito-kun too.
Maria-chan introduced me to him. He’s a friend who is older than me and rarely smiles but is calm and kind. When I’m with him I can feel relieved. Like when I’m with my older brothers.
It’s not only Maria-chan, Keito-kun is also a person I love and treasure.
But why? Why is it that when I equate Maria-chan and Keito-kun, I feel unease?
I like them about the same, but it’s a little different.
I treasure them about the same, but just by a little bit, it’s different.
But, I don’t know what the difference is. All I know is when I compare my two friends, their conditions are too different. A boy and a girl. Their ages are different too. And, originally, Keito-kun was introduced to me by Maria-chan.
I wonder if these differences are obvious?
Difference in when we met? Or is it just because Maria-chan was the one who introduced me to Keito-kun?
“Neriel, when you enter the school, I’ll introduce you to my friends.”
From those words, I realized what the thumping and creaking of my heart was. It was what I’ve been feeling since long ago. It was the feeling of shame when I realized my worthlessness from being compared to my brothers.
Maria-chan’s world is expanding whereas I don’t even understand my own feelings.
I somehow smiled so that Maria-chan, who was talking happily, wouldn’t notice. After that, her stories about academy gradually stopped registering in my mind.
Only her smile was clear in my mind.
“…. I am…”
I like Maria-chan. That is definitely not a lie. It’s not an overstatement to say that Maria-chan began my world.
But, those feelings are not enough. I feel that saying I like her isn’t enough to express my feelings.
Even though the feelings that I have for her should be the same as what I feel towards my brothers and Keito-kun.
Even though they should be the same, they are completely different.
“Why is it, I wonder.”
I wonder what is different? They’re my feelings, yet I don’t understand them at all.
Is it because she’s not family? She’s not a boy?
Is it because she’s my first friend that she is this special?
The feelings I have for Maria-chan, do they really only apply to her?
I wonder if everyone understands. The types of feelings people have for each other, how do people come to know them? Do they compare each other, choose a feeling, and then finally understand? If so, then I don’t have the important “target to compare to.”
Is she special because I compare her? Is she special because she can’t be compared? Either way, the person I am knows nothing and can’t do anything.
In the end, I stayed as is and didn’t understand myself.
Of course. The one who expanded my world wasn’t me, but Maria-chan after all.
“….. Neriel?”
“Ah….”
For a moment, I thought it was an illusion. I thought too much and my heart showed me a hallucination.
“What’s wrong? You didn’t turn on the lamp….”
She’s probably coming from a bath. She was wearing clothes that were even more comfortable than what she wore in the afternoon, suitable for sleeping in, a top and bottom set. Probably one of the things my brother chose.
Her figure was too good and too realistic to be an illusion. It didn’t take long for me to realize it was the real person.
“Were you looking at the moon?”
The living room was connected to the garden by one window. The moon today was beautiful and the only light needed. It’s probably thanks to that that Maria-chan came to that conclusion from my face.
Maria-chan approached me and stood next to me to watch the sky. The same way I was.
“You really can see its beauty in the middle of nature. It looks like it’ll fall.”
“Fufu.” She laughed. Her face was a little higher than mine. Of course I, who was short even within my own year, would be shorter than Maria-chan who was older than me. I saw even that as proof that the distance between us had grown.
“I’m… no good huh.”
“Eh….?”
“No good at all… Even though I thought I had grown.”
I thought, surely I had changed a little right? I can go outside, I cut my hair, before I wouldn’t have imagined this.
Surely it was a wonderful thing to expand my narrow world.
But, now I don’t know what to do from hereon.
Where do I head to? If I move forward, is it the correct path? Is this pace good? Am I slow? Is it better if I move faster?
Moving step by step, I can’t see the destination. When I step out, I can’t see the end. It terrifies me and I immediately end up returning.
I want to catch up to her who is moving forward, but her back keeps getting further and further away from my reach.
“Even though I have to work hard to make up for the parts I’ve fallen behind in.”
I closed myself off from the world. The responsibility is mine, of course I have to work hard to make up for it.
“The only one thinking like that, might just be you, though?”
“Eh….?”
“Growing up is something you don’t notice about yourself.”
The meaning of her words barely registered. Surely she doesn’t understand. It wasn’t a deep thought. It didn’t have the intention to console me. She just said what she thought.
And, her behavior that is always natural for her always change me.
“Maria, Neriel… What are you guys doing?”
“Keito!”
“You guys were late so I came to get you.”
Keito-kun, like Maria-chan, looked like he had just gotten out of a bath. But somehow, the clothes didn’t suit him. It’s probably because my brothers selected it.
“Neriel, let’s play in my room,” Keito said.
“Eh, um…”
“Maria came to find you because she said she wanted to play cards…”
“The moon was so beautiful so I accidentally…”
“Yeah yeah….”
“Then, let’s go, Neriel!”
The hand that reached out for me was the same one from before. Just as before, Maria-chan will turn around and reach out her hand for me, however far apart we are.
It was a nice sensation. It made me want to depend on her. Although in reality I am depending on her.
Then, I knew there was an answer I could not comprehend.
“…. Yeah, let’s go. I’m good at cards, you know.”
“The weakest by far is Maria. Right? Her emotions immediately show on her face, after all.”
“No! I can beat mother!”
“I was talking about the three of us.”
I am Neriel. I like her voice. I like the way her eyes droop when she laughs. I like when her adult-like tone crumbles for just an instant. Her sparkling eyes when she sees sweets, her warm hand, her tomboy-like qualities. I like all of her.
There are so many things I like about Maria-chan.
But, I don’t know what those feelings are.
That’s why, I want to know.
These feelings, what special feeling are they connected to. I hope… It would be nice if these feelings are only for her.
It would be nice if Maria-chan were my special beloved person.