CH 37

“What have I done…?” Elizabeth threw herself onto her soft bed in a dispirited manner. She wrapped her head up with her pillow. She muffled her voice with her bed as she muttered, “What have I done…? I was so embarrassed… I was shaking, but why did I do it…? Why did I do that to my son…? A mother shouldn’t do that, should she? Why…? Why did I do that?!!”

Elizabeth hugged her pillow and rolled around on her bed. It had been a long time since she frantically rolled around on bed. Besides the first time she was too harsh on her son due to her anger and nervousness, she always felt that her relationship with her son was good., she always felt that her relationship with her son was good. Though she didn’t dare to do what Vyvyan did, she no longer felt so embarrassed when she was intimate with her son.

Elizabeth asked herself, “Why did I do what I just did, though…? Why did I do that in the afternoon…?”

Elizabeth raised her hand. She spaced out as she looked at it. Her son’s warmth and hardness still lingered in her palm. She had a little whiff, but there was only a faint aroma on there. Nobody noticed what she did to her son.

Elizabeth questioned herself: “Why did I do that? Just because my son sat on my lap and I had a sniff of him, I lost control of my urges. I literally wanted to jump up and hold him as I did at night. Is it because I’ve found joy in sex? He’s my son, though! Why do I feel that way? Could I have fallen in love with doing it with my son?

Also, I can’t believe that I was exasperated because Nier and my son were happy and blissful. I’m jealous of Nier…Why am I jealous of Nier? She’s my son’s wife… I’m his mother; why am I angry about that? I should be happy. Could I have… could I have… could I have…”

Elizabeth then loudly exclaimed, “Aaaahh!!! Stop, stop, stop, stop! Inard! Inard! Inard! Elizabeth, you’re Inard’s wife! He may have passed away, but you cannot ever forget Inard’s love for you!”

Elizabeth rolled over. She began to recall her joyous days with her husband in the forest. She met the boy who loved her for the first time in her teens. She sincerely loved him. The girl and boy ran to their hearts’ desire in the forest. Underfoot were leaves. Next to them was the familiar sweet scent in the forest. The young girl tightly held the young boy. She turned her head around with a happy smile then yelled, “Troy!”

“Hmm?!”

Elizabeth returned from her memories. She frantically looked left and right as though she was a wife trying to catch her husband cheating. Nonetheless, there was no way there’d be anyone next to her. She dropped back onto the bed and heaved a big breath. She hugged her blanket and pitifully spoke to herself: “Why did I see my son’s face? It was supposed to be my memory with Inard. Why did I see my son’s face….? Stop, stop, stop, it shouldn’t be this way, it shouldn’t… Inard… Inard…”

Elizabeth desperately tried to recall Inard’s face, the face of her former lover.  Elizabeth began to converse with herself in her mind: “I’ve never forgotten how my husband looked, so why is every scene I see with my husband replaced with Troy? Why has Inard, the man who occupied the important part of my heart, been replaced by my son?’

It’s because Troy is too similar to Inard. The two of them look the exact same. It must be due to their resemblance that I’m mixing up the two… I feel apologetic to Inard for this, but seeing Troy is the same as seeing Inard, so it’s fine.

Inard has passed away. Troy is my most beloved Son. He’s the last and most precious gift Inard left for me. I must protect him… but… but… why have I begun to feel jealous when I see my son and Nier? Stop… this isn’t right… How can I look at my child that way…? This is inappropriate…

But… but… Inard and Troy are the same. I’m also a woman. I’m a girl, too. I, too, want to have a man I can depend on by my side. My son didn’t look reliable before, but I can now see that he’s an exemplary man. Will I… be moved..? Do I feel this way due to him resembling my husband too much?”

Elizabeth stood up. She irritably scratched her head. Her son had slept with her for the last few days, which provided her with the bliss of a peaceful sleep without dreams and without having to rely on sleep medications. After letting her son have his fun every night, he’d fall asleep with her. She also woke up in a great mood every morning.

“That’s probably why I look pretty… My son is sleeping with Nier right now, though. Nier might be dancing on his hips right now for all I know… My son is rolling around with Nier on the bed I once slept on. That’s… that’s… that’s…” assumed Elizabeth.

Bang! Elizabeth punched her bed railing, cracking the exquisite wood. Elizabeth looked at her hand astonished.

Elizabeth continued talking to herself: “I haven’t been so angry in a long time, have I? It’s been a long time since I felt an overwhelming urge to kill. It was just for a moment; but nevertheless, the violent urge to kill was nostalgic and it’s perplexing. Do I want to kill Nier, my son’s wife?

I’m jealous… I can’t believe that I’m jealous of Nier. I was never jealous of her in the past. When did I start to feel so jealous of her? I think… I think… it was when I was in the North after I set up the temporary small shed and had that unforgettable night with my son where he confessed to me? Or was it on that night in the Imperial Palace that my son later forgot? I don’t know. I can feel my rage and jealousy, nevertheless. I’m an Empress.”

Elizabeth knew herself very well. There was no way she wouldn’t know why she was angry and jealous. She was jealous of Nier.

Elizabeth said to herself, “I… seem to have fallen for Troy the same way I felt about Inard. Why do I feel this way, though? How can I feel this way? I’m his mother! It should be his wives’ responsibility to love him. What am I trying to do? Is it because he’s too similar to Inard? It appears I need to separate from him for some time; otherwise, I might do this sort of thing again… Doing that is just too shameless!”