āWhen I grow up, Iām going to marry my brother!ā
Listening to my ramblings as a young child, my older brother smiled at me as if he was troubled and patted me on the head. He was kind and just, a little prideful, but he cared for me deeply. I knew that, so I always stayed by his side to make him feel safe, which sometimes annoyed him. I believed that this happiness would last forever, until that day.
āBig brother! No!ā¦ā¦No!ā
My brother fell at my feet, bleeding. My brother was clutching his knife-stabbed stomach, staring at the attacker with frightened eyes. The person he was looking at was a classmate of mine who had been stalking him. He had stabbed my brother.
Instead of fearing that I might be next, despair and regret surged through my mind like a tsunami. It was my fault. Itās my fault that I talked to my brother, thatās why this happened! If I had just kept my mouth shut, my brother wouldnāt have been hurt. Itās my fault, itās all my fault!
Since then, my brother has been very depressed. He no longer speaks to me willingly. In fact, he doesnāt even make eye contact with me anymore. Itās no wonder since he almost died because of me. It seems that because he was hospitalized at a critical time, he is far behind in his job hunting compared to others around him.
Itās ā¦ā¦my fault.
Itās my faultā¦..Because of that injury.
Today, Iām going to say goodbye to the person who has been so dependent on her brother. Iāll become a younger sister who can do everything on her own. For that reason, Iāll concentrate on taking the entrance exam now! And when I pass the exam, I will be able to proudly say to my brother, āI can do everything on my own.ā
Until then, Iāll be patient. I have to concentrate on my studies as much as I can so as not to get in my brotherās wayā¦ā¦.Iām a little sad, but Iām sure we can get back to our normal relationship after the exams are over.
My brother failed to find a job. Seika-san got a job at a company that even I know, and my brother failed allā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦
My brother is depressed, he doesnāt talk anymore and doesnāt even leave his room. I couldnāt stand to see him like that, and I thought about comforting him many times. But what am I supposed to say?
Itās as if my brother failed in his job hunt because of the stalker. It would be so much easier if he could just call me out and say that it was my fault, but he never said a word of resentment.
Once I mentioned it to him.
āIt has nothing to do with that. Itās just that Iām not good enough. There are still a few companies left and they say itās okay.ā
He laughed helplessly and put his hand on my head. When I saw his face, I couldnātā¦ā¦say anything again.
It has been a few years since my brother became a NEET. I was accepted to the school of my choice and started my high school life. The only time I saw my brotherās face was at dinner, but lately he didnāt even show up at the dinner table anymore, and I had lost contact with him.
Even though we are in adjacent rooms of the same house, I feel distant from my brother even though he is so close to me. Dadās scolding and encouragement didnāt help. Momās daily small talk didnāt get through. Seikaās cuddling, encouraging, and soothing didnāt help.
I wondered how I could help my brother get back on his feet. If there was anything I could do, I would do it. I did a lot of research on my own, but I couldnāt come up with a solution. If my father, mother, and Seika-san couldnāt do it, I donāt think it would work if I did the same.
If thatās the case, the only thing I can think of isā¦ā¦Iām not going to do anything.
āIām going to be hated. Iām sure heāll hate me, but as long as it brings him back to the days when he used to love me, I donāt care!
I swear and make a disgusted face when I catch sight of my brother. Every time I say something I donāt mean, I feel a throbbing pain deep in my chest. I was prepared to be hated, but I still canāt get used to it. Maybe Iāll never get used to it.
In the beginning, my brother was surprised by my change and even yelled at me in exasperation. I even went to buy a resume on the spur of the moment. But it only worked in the beginning. Now, without making eye contact, he mutters to himself and goes back to his room.
Watching my brotherās back, I walked quickly back to my room and slumped down. I bury my face in the pillow of my bed and try to resist the urge to cry.
After all this time, I think I made the wrong choiceā¦ā¦. But I donāt know what the right thing to do was. And I still donāt know what I should do. I want someone to tell me the answer. How to save my brother, anyone?
I canāt look at my brother any longer. Now I canāt tell if my attitude toward my brother is acting or not. I canāt help but wonder if the act of looking down on my brother, whom I loved so much, isnāt what I really feel. Thatās what Iāmā¦ā¦afraid of.
Iāll stop wasting my time on this. If my brother doesnāt change, then I can stop playing the hater role, right? Thatās right. If I spoil him like I used to, he might be motivated to be my brother. Even if thereās no progress, Iāll be happy if our current relationship improves. I stood up and put my hand on the doorknob of my room, and stopped moving.
āThereās no way heāll forgive me after what Iāve done.ā
Iāve been treating him in a way that made him hate me, and thereās no way we can improve our relationship so easily. My brother must hate me. And it wasā¦ā¦me who made him do so. My brother failed to find a job because of me, and he became a NEET.
As a result of my wandering around trying to find a way to help him, he hates me now. This is what I call getting what I deserve. I canāt even smile bitterly at how stupid I ended up.
If I had realized this mistake earlier, I would have been able to apologize honestly when I was younger. But now, Iāve grown up with a distorted mind. Iām a coward who canāt even find the courage to turn back. I donāt know what to do, I donāt knowā¦..anymore.
ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦
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There was a change in my brother. I felt it when I came home and met my brother at the dinner table.
āYouāre back.ā
āDamn it. Sorry.ā
I couldnāt help but swear as usual. It has become a habit, and I hate myself for being able to respond on the spur of the moment.
āNo, good night. Welcome back.ā
āOhā¦ā¦Iām back.ā
The words that came out of my brotherās mouth almost stopped me from thinking. I had a feeling that my brother had been acting a little differently for a few days. However, I wasnāt sure because I was so busy with my work that we hardly saw each other and didnāt talk to each other.
Then at dinner, I learned that my brother was looking for a job. I couldnāt believe my ears at the sudden change, but it didnāt sound like a joke or a lie. He was embarrassed and trying to cover it up, but I could see a seriousness in his face that I had never seen beforeā¦ā¦.
Maybe it was just a convenient illusion that my hope showed. I was so happy to see the change in my brotherās attitude that I was afraid it would show on my face. However, I didnāt even notice as my brother hurriedly ate his dinner and went back to his room.
Later, my mother told me that my brother had recently been helping to revitalize a village and that he was receiving meat and agricultural products in return. The interaction with the villagers through the Internet has motivated my brother to become more active.
Itās an unexpected turn of events, but I donāt care about that. If my brother wants to move forward, Iāll just do my best to support him. I hope that things will continue to improve. I canāt help but sincerely hope so.
Iām just a little bit jealous thatā¦ā¦he recovered thanks to some unidentified villager who is not me. Itās not like it was a woman or something, is it? If it was, Iād tip Seika off.
ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦
My brother started a part-time job.
āWhat are you doing up at night?ā
āOh, Mom. Iām just making a snack because Iām hungry.ā
āYou canāt even cook, and youāre making supper.ā
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My mom sneaks up behind me as Iām struggling to cook an egg and smirks at me. I could tell from her eyes what she was trying to say, but I tried to ignore her.
āI see. Hmm. Oh, yes. Itās better to add a little salt to the onigiri. When you sweat, you need salt.ā
āOh, I see. Iāll eat it, though.ā
āI seeā¦ā¦.Your cooking skills are covered by your sincerity. Also, you should prepare him a bath, he might like that.ā
My mother waved her hand and disappeared upstairs. It was frustrating that she had seen through all of this, but I decided to follow her advice. I canāt take back the past, and I donāt think that this will make me feel any better about my actions. But let me at least support youā¦ā¦.big brother.