When I opened the front door of the house, the words came out of my mouth naturally even though I knew that there would be no response.
Mai beside me says nothing. This difference was probably a result of her spending a lot of time truly alone in this house, where even I was not with her.
A change that seems trivial and yet serious.
ăWell, Iâm hungry, and Iâm going to have dinneră
ăBrother, letâs cook together once in a whileă
ăCooking? Why all of a sudden?ă
ăA lovely sister that thinks of her brother so much, would want to happily cook as siblings from time to time.ă
With that said, Mai smiles again.
That smile as gentle and soft.
Even though she merely wants to spend time with me, today that smile hurt.
ăâŠâŠYea, Letâs make it togetherâŠâŠ why. Well, just look at that and admire my cooking skills, Sister.ă
I showed my emotions in a normal manner so as not to irritate the mind of Mai.
Also, I was nervous to take my eyes off her as she was right now.
ăI donât expect my brother to be good at cooking. First of all, my brotherâs cooking experience is about cooking practice at school, isnât it?ă
ăThatâs not trueâŠâŠ and ⊠No, no, thatâs right. Well, if I have at least such experience, I at least can peel the vegetables.ă
I felt like I could cook.
Well, thereâs no basis for that, but perhaps Iâve had some cooking experience in period for which I have no memory.
In my dreams, I was traveling in a different world. Then, of course, I would have had the opportunity to cook.
(âŠâŠI thought that I had to admit, but I think that the other world smoothly is because the memory is about to return)
ăReally?ăI donât care if you will end up cutting your fingers?ă
ăNo, no, do not underestimate how dexterous are my hands.ă
I feel that the demon inside Me is trying to pull the chain across the thin wall, shrug my shoulders and smile.
After washing her hands in the kitchenâs sink, Mai peeks into the refrigerator.
ăWhat are you making?ă
ăYes, meat and potatoesâŠâŠ and⊠No, letâs make a curry.ă
Mai gave me a sidelong glance and decided to switch the menu.
Apparently she read from my reaction what I would want to eat. In fact, when I saw the contents of the refrigerator, I imagined it would be a curry.
(âŠâŠ From the point that even this gives me deja vu, I guess in that another world or whatever, I also was the one who would get a cooking done for himâŠ)
That was the thought that crossed my mind while watching Mai who prepared quickly the ingredients for two people.
ăâŠâŠBrother, you are really good with your hands.ă
ăNot as good as Mai.ă
Standing next to Mai and peeling skin from vegetables I thought, Iâm surprisingly used to using a kitchen knife. No, itâs not even about a kitchen knife, but blades in general.
(Iâm not a murderer, am I?âŠâŠ)
Having blade in my hands felt just that natural, with my every new move I put the blade at the optimal angle without even being aware of it.
I felt anger from the old me being closer as it resonated with such disgusting imagination.
ăâŠâŠă
ă?ăWhatâs wrong, Mai?ă
ăNo, itâs just a little frustrating that brother is so good at handling a kitchen knife. It is cheating, why does it feel that you are better than Mai at something at which I worked for years.ă
ăHehe, I told you, this is a good opportunity for you to renew your evaluation of your big brother.ă
I said puffing my chest with pride.
Usually, at such times Mai would reply,ă You must not get full of yourself. Those who grow arrogant donât live long, and this rate you soon will turn into useless brother. ă
But ⊠âŠâŠ no.
ăAs expected of my big brother, Iâm very happyă
Mai says so and laughs again.
Even though I was praised by my precious sister, I was not happy at all.
ăâŠOuch.ă
Because I was thinking about that. my hand slipped a little.
A vividly blood red line appears where I touched the knfe.
ăOh, I did it. Mai, a first-aid kit âŠâŠâŠă
ăHamu.ă
Like a fish on a bait, I caught my little sister on my finger.
The sensation of her tongue crawling over my wound.
ăMmm, mm.ă
When I was in daze accompanied by the sound of the running water, she already let go of my hand.
ăPuha ~, now itâs good. What left is to put a bandaid on it.ă
With that said, Mai took out the first-aid kit from the back of the shelf on the edge of the kitchen.
Taking bandaid from there and taking hold of my hand she slapped bandaid on the wound.
ăThat wonât do, brother, you are so quick to get full of yourselfâŠă
ăOh, dear. Iâm sorry.ă
Iâve never been in such situation before, so I thank her with a little bit of confusion.
Normally she wouldnât do something like disinfecting a wound by licking, and would just stick bandaid after normally cleaning it with water.
ăEven so, blood is surprisingly delicious, isnât it? Brother.ă
Saying that she licked her lips.
There was something weirdly fascinating about that, like in the uncertain beauty of the lonely flower, blooming at a riverside, that might disappear at any moment.
ăOh, but it is delicious because it is brotherâs blood, other peopleâs blood worths less than nothing.ă
ăâŠâŠ Idiot, stop saying stupid stuff and letâs get back to cooking already.ă
ăOh, brother, it hurts. Youâre so mean.ă
ăI donât care, I donât careâŠă
I gave a random reply and returned to the peeling of vegetables again.
I didnât see the face of Mai, who was sulking so cutely.
No, I didnât want to see it, so I looked the other side.
ăâŠâŠâŠâŠă
So, I donât know what kind of expression Mai was wearing at that time.
However, the curry I ate that day was delicious, but somehow I could not feel the taste.
--------
That day, after we had dinner, time passed as usual.
No, it probably was somewhat unusual. Pressed by Mai as she was going to the bath, I now was sitting in front of the door that separates the bathroom and the dressing room.
Because of my back injury, I did not take a bath, and after wiping the area other than where the injury was with a wet towel, then I had Mai to apply suppurative salve on the wound on the back and had it wrapped it bandage.
I thought I would change the bandage on my head, but I just had it replaced in the hospital today, so I left it as it is.
After that I changed into sleepwear, and together with Mai watched a TV program, that wasnât particularly interesting, while eating potato chips, and when the time came, both of us went to our rooms.
ăâŠâŠTime to go back to our rooms.ă
ăYes, brother.ă
Usually, each of goes to their own room, and about an hour later Mai would sneak into my bed when I sleep. Every time I sense her presence and wake up, but pretend that Iâm sleeping, I get up as if nothing happened after waiting long enough for Mai to quietly retreat from the bed the next morning.
But today was different.
ăBrother, Can I sleep with you today?ă
ăâŠâŠă
Why would you bring up on purpose something that we already had unspoken agreemnt about?
ăI donât mind that much.ă
ăThen, brother, I will bring a pillow.ă
In any case, if I can ease the worries of Mai even a little bit by sleeping next to her, then by all means, what else can I ask for.
Mai, smiling happily, returned to her room once. I went into my room first and leaving the lights on got into the futon and closed my eyes.
Tomorrow is school.
I guess Iâll use phone to look for a new hospital during the class.
ăâŠâŠă
A screech of opening door.
Entering the room, she didnât say anything in particular.
ăMai, turn off the lights.ă
ăâŠâŠă
I asked her to turn off the light that was left on so she woudnât fumble in the darkness. However, the light does not disappear, and the no reply came from her.
ăBrotherâŠâŠ Brother.âŠâŠă
ăMai?ă
ăIâm not turn off the lights.ă
Mai slowly came closer to the bed, but arenât trying to get inside.
There was something disturbing in the way she called me.
However, when I opened my eyes again and saw Mai, I felt like I was splashed with a cold water due to my late response.
ăBrother, my brother, is mine and only mine big brother, rightâŠâŠ?ă
When Mai took my hand that I tried to move, it turned out to be handcuffed to the bed.
ăHuh? Eh?ă
And while I was still in a daze from surprise, the other hand and both feet are were smoothly bound bu handcuffs as well.
ăWha, h-hey, Mai, what are you doing?!?ă
For some, the sight of me wriggling under a futon with my eyes wide open from shock and all limbs restrained by handcuffs surely looked ridiculous.
However, it was not a situation that could be laughed at from my current point of view.
ăNo, brother. If I turn off the light, you wonât be able to see me properly?ă
ăWhat are you talking about?âŠâŠ Wait, calm down, for a joke you wen too far!ăIf youâre mad at me, I wonât run, so just take this off.ă
ăThatâs also useless. My big brother is a useless big brother, so I have to restrain you like this so you wonât escape, and you also would try to resists using common sense as excuse. So I will persuade you over and over, and until big brother yield he will remain like this.ă
Mai with a glossy smile, like never seen before she pulled the futon off.
And then she straddled on top of me.
ăHey, what are you doing? âŠâŠ Mai!!ă
ăitâs all big brotherâs faultâŠâŠ?ăItâs all because you were about to disappear from my sight. All because my you were going to disappear to someone else place, someone other than Mai.ă
Snap, Snap, with one hand Mai was removing the buttons of pajama.
From the cloth that has fallen down, smooth skin peeked.
ăHey, who is it?ăWho is â â â â â -san?ăWho is â â â â -san?ăWho is â â â â -san?ăWhat kind of dreams you were having and why were you calling the names that donât belong to Mai with such tenderness? Why, why, why are you trying to leave Mai?ă
ăGuh?!ă
The names spoken by Mai are drown out by the noise, and at the same time, an intense headache as if a hand was stuck directly into my brain, attacks me.
While desperately endured the pain, I can see the face of my sister, who looked like a lost child, that was about to cry any moment now.
ăCome on, brother. Itâs better not to remember after all. I told my brother, didnât I?ăYou donât need to remember anything if it pains you. If you are going to think about it, then please think only about me instead. Just think about staying by my side. Then, you will be happy.ă
ăSto, I just did what I could not to worry youâŠâŠă
The tip of the nail strongly bites in a little above the chest.
But it the headache, that though weakened a bit was still a lot stronger, made that insignificant.
The voice coming out from my mouth also weakens.
ăWorry?ăOf course I will worry. Every day, I recall the day of the disappearance incident. I am afraid that my brotherâs back that see when I wake in the morning might turn out to be an illusion. So, letâs cross the line between Brother/ and Maiă-ăïŒăJust think about Mai alone, and keep thinking here⊠I will take care of everything you need. Iâll do anything. Isnât that what happiness is?ă
ăOh, come on, youâre gonna lock me up?âŠâŠ?ă
The transient headache slowly pulled back, and the thoughts finally began to gather together.
Even though my mind was still dull and I barely grasped onto the words, but even in that state there was meaning to those words that I was able to catch, which left me dumbfounded.
ăNo, we canât do that as siblingsâŠâŠă
ăYes, brother, you will deflower your little sister right now. Then the dutiful big brother wonât be able to separate from Mai for the rest of his life. No matter what happens, no matter what you remember, you will no longer be able to think of anything other than Mai, right?ăAnd if my you will leave me anywayâŠâŠEhe, eheheheâȘă
Showing an intoxicated, somewhat childish smile, she stopped talking.
ăAre you seriously saying this?âŠă
ăItâs okay, I believe. Iâm sure my brother will choose me. At any time, he will choose Mai at the end. With a sense of guilt and a sense of pleasure that spices it ⊠EheheheheâȘă
Maiâs eyes were serious. Which made it obvious that she wasnât sane.
Itâs not just that. Mai was already at her limit.
ăYouâre kiddingâŠâŠ?ăDamn it!! With such toy handcuffsâŠ! ă
ăOh, no, brother. Donât thrash like that⊠I chose the product what wonât break that easily, but if you want to run away from here, then I might need to give you a bit of a punishment?ăSo do not resist, okay?ăBrother?ă
ă?ă
Shivers run down my spine.
There was no light in the eyes of Mai who said so, and I felt a real danger she might do who knows what if I resists.
ăCome on, brother, letâs take off your clothes?ă
Mai reached out with her fingers for buttons on my pajama.
ăStop, stop it, Mai! ă
ăI will notâȘă
I tried to get away by wrigling my body, but being restrained by handcuffs I hardly could make any movements, and so Mai was unfastening buttons at surprising speed.
Before long, my pajama was open.
ăCalm down and think it over!! This will bring both you and me nothing but unhappiness!ă
ăThere is no such a thing, I will be happy with big brother by my side, looking only at me and loving me. Brother as well, you will be happy having all of your needs wholeheartedly taken care by me and being spoiled absolutely rotten, having all of you belong to me. Because you wonât be distracted by unnecessary things anymoreă
ăEven dad and mother will be sad.ă
ăThatâs not true. Because, in the old days, when I said that I want to marry my brother, father and mother would laugh and say that itâs fine. There is no problemă
No good, she is deranged in the truest sense.
She cannot hear my voice.
Though she replies to the words she hears, she doesnât really hear them.
ăHey, Brother, who do you want as a first child, a boy or a girl? I think that twin girls would be good.ă
The pajamas that Mai was wearing fell and exposed to the light a black underwear and her bare skin.
I jerk my face in a hurry.
What to do, what to do what to do, if you do not stop Mai here, Mai really will be broken!!
(If it goes like this, Mai will never be able to go back againâŠâŠ What is it?)
Anyway, it is time, something, I have to damped her mood somehow and reset this situationâŠ
ăNo, big brother, this wonât do., look this way, look here. Look at me. Iâve maintained this figure for my brother. I never missed a care, so I would always be ready for a day like this. Iâve always cared about the way I look since I was a child. In order to be closer to your taste.ă
ăS-stop, Maiă
ăLook, thickheaded brother?ăYou have to open your eyes. Itâs still a long night. I want to enjoy it slowly and thoughtfully. So open your eyes, brother.ă
My face, which I turned to the side and closed my eyes, is gently wrapped by Maiâs hands.
An immature laugh that gently goes over oneâs ears.
ăAh, brother, what do I do with you, useless brother is so rash⊠If you already want to go further instead of staring at each otherâŠâŠă
ăMai! stop it, Mai!ă
Smooth, gentle touch, going from my chest to the navel area, in panic, I opened my eyes.
When Iâve done so, I saw Maiâs face, which was so close to mine that I could feel her breath.
The distance at which we could peek at each otherâs eyes.
Deep in her eyes, the real Mai was crying. She is so close and yetâŠ
ăEven if you wonât do this, I will stay by your side. Iâm your brother after all.ă
The words of persuasion that only good on ears will merely disappear into nothing.
I know that, but for some reason only such words, that I myself find trivial, come off my lips.
ăYes, my brother is mine brother. So, please throw away everything except Mai, okay?ă
The only thing that was left for me is to play the wildcard.
ăâŠâŠSay, Mai. If you want me to erase anything but you, tell me one thing first.ă
What is it?ăIf you want to know something, Iâll answer anything. My three sizes areâŠâŠă
ăThe drawer of the desk in Maiâs room, the bloodstained knife in there, what the hell is that?ă
ă?ă
The moment I uttered those words, there was a feeling that I touched the depths of her heart that I did not reach until now.
But that didnât feel like a pull to my side, instead it merely pushed her away greatly.
Itâs not even about a bet that can go good or bad.
I merely chose the bad outcome instead of the worst one.
ăAh, N-no, itâs, itâs not, it different. Why? How did you know?âŠâŠ What?ăWhy, why, why?ăNo, donât hate me, donât hate me!?ăBrother!?ăIâm your sister, AAaaAaAaaAA?ă
ăMa, MaiâŠâŠă
The long hair is disheveled, and she burst into barrage of incoherent words.
Her breath turned shallow as if she was trying to get it in order as she was gasping for air, he eyes began to focus.
Trembling and covering both of her ears, tears were running down her cheeks.
ăItâs, itâs, I couldnât help it, blood, the blood, AaaaaaAAAA?ăDonât stain me, not stained, donât get in my way. Why, who, Itâs him, itâs him, itâs him, itâs hiiiiiiiiiiiim!!!ă
ăCalm down, calm down, Mai.ă
Seeing her clearly aberrant state, I started to have my doubts if I really made the right choise.
I feel like the action, that I chose to avoid heading for ruin, was a terrible mistake.
(No, what am I gonna do, losing my spirit here, I have to persuade her, we still can go back! )
ăMai, calm down, Mai, listen to me, talk to me. I wonât run away anymore! Neither from you, nor from my memoriless selsâŠăSoâŠ! ă
However, that moment of her wavering soon ended.
ăâŠâŠâŠâŠ Oh, I see, there are still those who will get in my way. There are still some who want to take from me. After all, if I donât finish up everything, itâs no goodă
Suddenly, Mai stopped shaking.
ăThere are people who have insinuated unnecessary things to my brotherâŠâŠ?ăItâs Okay. Iâll erase everything tomorrow.ă
A bubbly smile that makes Mai look like she went back to an innocent, childish self.
ăYes. Iâll be fine After all, it is not good to throw a round on the way. What is it? I have failed. Just a little bit, but please wait, brother.ă
ăMaiâŠâŠand ⊠Listen to meâŠâŠ and ⊠Letâs stop it. There are so many things, you are tired. Letâs go to the hospital with me. Itâs all right. letâs think about that knife together.ă
ă?ăA knife?ăWhat are you talking about?ăIâm going to finish everything, so you shouldnât know about it?ă
ăWhat?!ă
Mai did not seem to notice the absurdity of what she was saying.
Mai, who spoke in a tone that seemed to be normal, gave me a small kiss on a cheek like when we were kids.
ăWell, itâs been a long time since Iâve kissed brother on a cheek. Please wait until tomorrow night, okay?ăâŠIâll kill them all and make like that never happened.ă
After she said so, Mai stood up and put back her clothes.
ăKill!?ăWait, donât do it, Mai!ăWhom do you want to kill, stop it?!!ăI know, you can keep me confined, so letâs talk about it, because it is absolutely irreparable, Maiă
Mai did not answer anything and turned off the electricity in the room.
ăBrother, letâs go to bed today. Tomorrow is an important day. I have to get to it in a perfect condition. In time, you will understand that Mai is the only thing you have to treasure, right?ă
ăMaiâŠâŠ What is it?ă
I donât know how many times I saw it today.
Mai laughed as if she was broken, with a an embarrassed expression.
Mai, who now was wearing clothes again, came into my bed and got under the blanket.
ăGood night, brother. I hope that tomorrow will be a good dayă
Saying that Mai embraced me and happily closed her eyes.
I could not say anything to Mai who fell asleep immediately.
Merely earning a small leeway, I was unable to grasp Mai.
I was able to avoid the mistake that would lead us to ruin, but in the end, I did not get the result I wanted the most.
Then, my sister, who was on the brink, broke.
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