CH 19

“Father said—” Lucius corrected the words he had unconsciously uttered. “I did not think it was relevant enough. The Count said I was the son of Kerner Fenry, his older brother. He then mentioned he could’ve just adopted me, but then we would’ve been subject to many sanctions if he did. So, I just ended up being recognized as his son even though I was ‘supposedly’ his nephew.”

But no matter what angle they would look at this matter, Lucius was an illegitimate child through and through. Unless the count married Bella Anise, which was practically impossible.

Deatrice could not understand why Lucius kept this from her.

In her head, she thought that he must’ve only pretended to have shown his real side to her. The letters he sent her, the whispers in her ear whenever they sat together, his sweet words—all of them were pretenses.

Because he hid his roots.

“Isn’t not saying anything the same as fooling me?”

He slowly approached her with cold eyes. “Why is it such a big deal to you? Whether you knew or not, I still would’ve received the Count title anyways—had I not been exposed—and nothing would’ve changed between us.”

“So, you thought it was just a small matter?”

“Yes.” Little by little, he felt his anger rising. “As long as you know my title and what I possess, that should’ve been enough to satisfy you.”

She took a step closer, not wanting to lose the argument.

“No, that’s not it. You still should’ve told me about your biological mother. So, why didn’t you? Don’t you at least have that basic trust in me?”

The tree branches outside a small window swayed from left to right by an unexpected gust of wind.

Lucius went silent.

“Did you ever truly love me?” he asked out of the blue.

It was a cliché question for lovers with complicated situations, but it was something that floated incessantly inside his head the whole time he didn’t hear from her. It didn’t help when his sister, Dixie, had patiently explained to him the reasons why Deatrice did not love him.

Currently, however, Deatrice couldn’t understand why he was saying things like that all of a sudden.

“Don’t ask such nonsense at the moment. Answer my question first.”

That wasn’t what he wanted to hear. Lucius needed to hear the conviction in her answer rather than having his question evaluated as being nonsensical.

“How is it nonsense? They even said you abandoned me…” He came closer and put a hand on her shoulder.

“When I think about how you haven’t even tried contacting me, I just can’t help but feel you never truly did. If I hadn’t come to you first, perhaps we would never see each other anymore.” There was an unknown sense of defeat and resentment in his voice. “How easy is it for you to let go?”

“It’s not like that—”

“If it’s not like that, then tell me that you love me.” He lowered his head while holding her. “Kiss me.”

His forehead touched her shoulder. Their cheeks rubbed against each other, and their hair got tangled. If she tilted her head a little, their lips would probably have touched.

But then, she pushed him.

“Go away.”

Dazed, Lucius could only stare blankly at her. He grabbed her wrist that was against his chest and demanded. “Kiss me.”

“I told you to let me go.”

But he only tightened his grip to the point that it hurt her delicate wrist.

“I have never asked anything from you. But today, I ask you to fulfill my request.” He pulled his face closer to catch her lips with his, like a drunken man. “I need it.”

“Get off me!”

Frightened by his abnormal attitude and the painful grip on her wrist, she twisted her hands and heedlessly blurted out the words.

“How dare an illegitimate child touch me?! Don’t pretend like you don’t know anything! You have already deceived me, and you still have the gall to demand for my affection?!”

He stopped.

Deatrice regretted the words the moment it came out of her mouth. But at the same time, as with any self-destructive act, she felt inwardly satisfied.

“You…” Lucius halted his words. “You are right.” he said, turned his head away from her with an expressionless face. “So this is what you truly feel then? All along, that bloodline of yours that you said you hated meant everything to you, didn’t it? Because of the status, the power—the recognition that comes with it…”

She answered coldly. “At least mine is better than a fake.”

“No, Deatrice, you’re the one who’s fake, especially right now. Can’t you see it?” His mood immediately became sullen, and he briskly grabbed his coat.

Deatrice clenched her fists. She knew she shouldn’t let him leave with the way things had just ended, but she was too immersed with her own negative feelings.

She just stood there still until he had finally left her sight. Then she collapsed on the floor.

Tears dripped down her cheeks.

She had lost him.

And it was her fault.

How foolish she had felt.

Looking back, Deatrice would rationalize with herself that she was simply repeating with her mouth what her father had said about being an illegitimate child.

***

No words were exchanged on the way back from the temple. Lucius was currently looking out the window with a distant expression on his face as he admired the scenery.

But after receiving the proposal at the temple, Deatrice, whose heart was plagued with a heavy feeling, could not stand such silence. In the end, she was the first to speak up.

“I was sorry, I was young and immature then. I didn’t mean what I said.”

He just laughed, “What are you talking about?”

He didn’t even ask why she brought it up in the first place and just continued with his words. “Ah, yes. Well, the only place you go back and forth regularly is the temple. Therefore, I proposed in front of its gates because it was the most opportune place to show people.”

But then, he said those words while looking out the window. He didn’t even make eye contact.

Hence, Deatrice wasn’t sure if his words genuinely reflected his thoughts. Looking at the pleasant expression on his face, there seemed to be no trace of malice or resentment towards her, or anyone for that matter.

She didn’t know how much time had passed, but he suddenly talked.

“But,” He started, seeing her slowly turning her head in his direction. “I don’t think that you didn’t mean what you said. After all, people tend to show their real thoughts and emotions in those kinds of situations.”

With a light smile to finish off his words, his remark had practically crumpled her apology like some worthless, discarded paper. Lucius glanced out the window again, and an awkward silence blanketed the carriage once more.

Deatrice didn’t say anything else afterwards.

But if one looked closer, her fists were clenched tightly during the entire journey back home.