Chapter 3

The Walls Have Ears

I also don’t think that I have anything to be ashamed of. Really.

Gu Mingxi really took off his shoes and helped Pang Qian build a snowman.

Pang Qian was in charge of gathering the snow and Gu Mingxi was in charge of building it. He sat on the snow-covered ground, leaning back, forming a “V” with his upper body and legs. Lifting his two legs, he kept pressing the snow that Pang Quan tossed over. Gradually, the snowman’s form was shaped out by him. It just wasn’t very tall, kind of cone-shaped.

When they were making the head, he stood up. He stood on his left leg, and used his right leg to help Pang Qian round out the head. Sometimes his foot would touch her hand. And while Pang Qian could call out, “Move your stinking feet!” Gu Mingxi knew that she didn’t really mind.

After some hard work, they finally had a snowman that was only as tall as their waist. Pang Qian brushed off her hands as curled her lips in disdain. “It’s so ugly.”

The snowman was indeed ugly. Two leaves as eyes, a tree branch as a nose. Even the head was drooping. Gu Mingxi stood beside Pang Qian, moved his shoulders, and didn’t have any ideas either. Interest lost, Pang Qian rubbed her hands dry on her clothes. Then she picked up both of their bags and said, “Let’s go home. I’m tired /bored.”

Gu Mingxi blinked and opened his mouth, but didn’t say anything. Then he sat down and started putting on his socks and shoes.

Pang Qian didn’t know that because he’d sat on the ground for a long time, his pants were soaked with ice water. And right now, it was bitter cold. And also, because he had stepped on the snow with his bare feet, his feet were now numb from the cold. They were all red and he couldn’t feel the tips of his toes.

Pang Qian was swaying on the side when she heard Gu Mingxi call, “Pang Pang!”

She turned around and glared at him, “Don’t call me Fattie!”

“Not Fattie, Pang Pang.” Gu Mingxi said softly, “Come over and help me. My toes are frozen, so I can’t get my shoes on.”

Pang Qian heard bad cry in her heart. She dropped the backpacks and ran over to him. Seeing his wet pants and red feet, she nearly cried. “Oh no! Your mom will definitely tell my mom, and then my mom’s going to beat me to death!”

Gu Mingxi, “…”

With a bitter face, Pang Qian crouched down to help him with his socks and shoes. After realizing his socks were wet, she wanted to cry even more. After staying silent for a moment, Gu Mingxi said, “I just won’t tell my mom. Don’t worry.”

“Then if your mom asks you why your pants are wet, what are you going to say?”

Gu Mingxi seriously thought for a moment, then said, “Why don’t I say I fell on the way home?”

“If you fell, your mom will still tell my mom! And then she’ll beat me just the same!”

Seeing Pang Qian crying out from worry, Gu Mingxi, who had put on his shoes, got up slowly. He said, “Alright, I promise I won’t tell my mom. Okay?”

“Really?” Pang Qian tilted her head to look at him.

“Really,” Gu Mingxi walked to her side, and pushed her slightly with his shoulder. “Let’s go home. It will be dark soon.”

“Oh!”

The two kids put on their backpacks. Leaving the ugly snowman behind, they walked back to the Golden Compound.

When they arrived, they ran into Gu Guoxiang, who had just finished work.

He parked his bike(?) in the bike shed, and was heading out with his briefcase, when he saw Pang Qian and Gu Mingxi who had just come in.

“Dad.”

“Uncle.”

The two kids shouted to him, and Gu Guoxiang walked calmly over to them. He reached out and gave Gu Mingxi’s shoulder a pat, “Finished school?”

“Mm,” Gu Mingxi nodded, and walked up with his dad.

Gu Guoxiang was 38 years old this year. Tall and thin, with a handsome face and a head full of dark hair, and wearing gla.s.ses, he was the very image of an intellectual.

Walking through the corridor, Gu Mingxi walked in front, with Gu Guoxiang in the middle, and Pang Qian in the rear. From the first floor all the way to the fifth, Gu Mingxi and Gu Guoxiang didn’t say anything to each other. Gu Mingxi’s steps were particularly steady, two empty sleeves hanging at his sides. He wasn’t at all like he usually was with Pang Qian, hopping up the steps.

Pang Qian knew that Gu Mingxi was a bit scared of his father. Although in Pang Qian’s eyes, Gu Guoxiang was a very warm and courteous person. He never shouted, and never scolded and beat like her parents did to her when she was naughty. Moreover, Gu Guoxiang was payed higher wages. Gu Mingxi’s food, clothes, and toys were all better than hers. Pang Qian envied Gu Mingxi for having such an outstanding father, so she didn’t understand why Gu Mingxi was so reserved around him.

She always felt that you should be able to act wildly in front of your own father.

When they arrived on the fifth floor, Gu Guoxiang suddenly asked, “Mingxi, why are your pants wet?”

Gu Mingxi, “…”

Scared, Pang Qian said, “Goodbye, Uncle,” before opening the door with her keys and walking inside her home.

—

Gu Guoxiang opened the door to 502. Li Han heard the sound and came out, smiling, “Hey, how did you two come in together?”

“We met downstairs.” Gu Guoxiang handed his bag to Li Han, then took off his coat. He saw his son sitting on the stool, taking off his shoes. He walked over and felt his pants. They were very wet. As he felt down, he (dad) came to his (Mingxi’s) wet and cold feet.

He lowered his voice and asked, “Did you pee your pants?”

“No!” Gu Mingxi quickly shook his head. In a low voice, he said, “Dad, this is water, snow water from outside. I was playing with Pang Qian in the snow, and got my pants wet.”

Gu Guoxiang pondered for a moment, then said, “First go change your pants. You’ll catch a cold like this.”

“Oh,” Gu Mingxi nodded and obediently followed his dad to his room. He added, “Dad, I’m sorry. I’ll pay more attention next time. Can you please not tell Mom?”

Gu Guoxiang turned to look at him. Finally, he tousled his own hair and nodded.

When it was time for dinner, Gu Mingxi sat in his chair as Li Han helped place a basin of water by his feet. He washed his feet on his own. And then Li Han gave him rice, handed him chopsticks, and went to drain the basin.

Gu Guoxiang sat at the table the whole time, his eyes watching everything with a complicated expression.

Gu Mingxi used his right foot to eat. His family’s dinner table was custom made, and was shorter than most dinner tables. Gu Mingxi rested his right foot on the table and bent his body over. His chopsticks were tucked between his toes, and he pushed the rice into his mouth. Li Han would add food into his bowl from time to time, and she even helped him get a bowl of soup.

Gu Guoxiang didn’t say anything at the start, until Li Han helped their son to peel some shrimp. Gu Guoxiang finally said, “There are some things you should tell Mingxi to do by himself.”

Li Han stared blankly, and Gu Mingxi also lifted his head to look over at his father.

“I know that getting rice and soup, and carrying a washbasin are harder to do. But things like peeling shrimp, adding more food to his bowl… He can’t rely on someone for the rest of his life. He should learn to do things on his own.” Gu Guoxiang ate as he spoke. “Mingxi is still young, but he’ll grow up. He has to go to college, has to find a job, to find a partner. When we’re no longer there, will he no longer have food to eat?  Ah Han, are you planning to take care of him for the rest of his life?”

Gu Mingxi shrugged, and then lowered his head to continue eating. His long and thick eyelashes were downcast, his gaze fixed on the bowl of rice in front of him.

Li Han was silent for a moment. “Slowly. We’re not in a rush. Mingxi’s making very good progress now. On hot days, he learned to put on his own clothes. He’s only 11 years old, don’t ask too much of him.”

Gu Guoxiang looked at her and then turned to Gu Mingxi. “Mingxi, it’s not me who is asking a lot of you, it’s this society. The world outside is a very fair place, but it is also a cruel one. You don’t have arms. Whether it’s studying or finding a job, your starting line is different from others’. If you want to reach the same place that other people can, you’ll have to put out many times more effort. If you want to be lazy and live with ease, you’ll end up pushed behind everyone else. Forget success, but you might not even have a job. Do you understand?”

Gu Mingxi pressed his lips together tightly, his face was a bit pale. He nodded. Li Han felt her heart breaking. Angrily, she said, “Guoxiang, just eat! Why are you saying these things to him? Our Mingxi is already very hardworking. He’s always top 3 in his cla.s.s, and he draws so well. What is there that you’re unsatisfied with?”

Hearing this, Gu Guoxiang suddenly let out a laugh. He shook his head, saying, “Ah… I’m very satisfied with Mingxi, extremely satisfied. Alright? Okay, that’s enough. Let’s eat.”

He didn’t say anything else. Li Han also became silent. Gu Mingxi quietly ate his food. Li Han didn’t add any more food to his bowl for him, but he couldn’t do it on his own. So he mostly just swallowed a lot of white rice.

After dinner, Gu Guoxiang recalled that Gu Mingxi had gotten wet with ice water before, so he had Li Han bathe him. Gu Mingxi blushed, and said anxiously, “I don’t need Mom to help me, I can wash on my own.”

In the summer, Gu Mingxi always washed by himself. But in the winter, because he needed to be wiped down, he could only let his parents help. But when his mom helped him, he would still wear shorts. That day, because of Gu Guoxiang’s words at dinner, Gu Mingxi made up his mind to wash himself.

Gu Guoxiang understood his son’s intentions, and said with a sigh, “You won’t be clean if you do it on your own. How about this then. Dad will help you wash today.”

He took his son to the washroom, and helped him take off all his clothes. Gu Mingxi’s lean body was completely bared. A little boy, his body was still not developed, white skin and narrow shoulders. And below his shoulders, well, there was nothing there.

That accident left him without his arms, not even a stump left behind. There were only his round shoulders, and the sinister looking pink scars around his shoulder and armpit area.

Gu Mingxi lowered his head, his legs pulling off his pants. Gu Guoxiang reached out to touch what remained of his right shoulder. This gave the kid a fright and he s.h.i.+vered. He turned to look at his father, his eyes dark and bright, carrying a hint of vigilance.

Gu Guoxiand realized that he hadn’t seen his son’s wounds in a long time. Collecting himself, he asked, “Does it still hurt?”

Gu Mingxi closed his lips and shook his head. Then said, “It doesn’t hurt.”

“Oh,” Gu Guoxiang nodded. “Come here, Dad will help you take off your pants and bathe.”

—

After dinner, Pang Qian refused to do her homework. She was lazing away in her parents’ room, watching the Steve Ma and Cecilia Yip version of “The Heaven Sword and Dragon Saber.” Their family had just installed cable TV that year, and suddenly there were a ton of Hong Kong and Taiwanese dramas to watch. Pang Qian just couldn’t stand the temptation. Fortunately, Pang Shuishen and Jin Ai’hua weren’t very strict, and she could watch when she wanted to.

The whole family watched, entranced. Then a knock came at the door. Jin Ai’hua went to open the door, and there was Li Han.

When Pang Qian heard Li Han’s voice, she was so frightened that her scalp would explode, worried that she’d come to tell her mother something. She told her father guiltily that she wasn’t watching TV anymore, and would go back to her room to do homework. Then she quickly headed back to her room, greeting Li Han, “h.e.l.lo, Auntie,” as she pa.s.sed the living room.

Li Han laughed, but there was a hint of anguish. With red eyes, she said, “Hi, Qian Qian.”

Pang Qian didn’t understand what was going on. She returned to her room and shut the door. But out of curiosity, she placed her ear onto the door.

Li Han came over to talk to Jin Ai’hua. She said Gu Guoxiang was helping Gu Mingxi bathe. She was feeling stuffy, so she came over to sit awhile.

Pang Qian heard her mother ask, “What’s wrong? Did you and Guosheng have a fight?”

“Not really,” Li Han said in a low tone. “It’s just that when I was was.h.i.+ng the dishes, he brought that up again.”

The two of them were silent for awhile. Then Jin Ai’hua said, “Actually, I can understand why Guoxiang thinks that way. He’s an engineer right now. People are all saying that when they choose the next supervisor, he’s likely to be promoted. His work is going well, so there isn’t as much pressure for raising kids. And Mingxi… Mingxi is a good kid, but he is…that way. You should take advantage while you’re still young. Since Mingxi is disabled, you can have another child. Have another one, and when they grow up, they can also help take care of Mingxi.”

This part of the story is in the mid 90s, right? Recall that China’s one child policy was more in effect at the time.

Pang Qian had a fright. Although she was only 10 years old, she still understood what it meant to “have another one.” Does that mean that Gu Mingxi’s parents wanted to give him a little brother or sister?

Then… Then what about Gu Mingxi?

With all sorts of ideas jumping around in her mind, Li Han said, “I know, I know, Ai’hua. But I have my own concerns. With Mingxi the way he is, it’s a lot of work to take care of him. Eating, drinking, using the bathroom, I have to worry about everything. Right now, his school is nearby, so it’s not a big concern. But what if he lives in dorms when he’s in high school? Who knows, I might have to go along to study. If I have another child, how can I take care of him? And, even though Mingxi is a very good now, but what if he becomes rebellious when he gets older? His body has been disabled so greatly. In the future… When he grows up more, I’m afraid he will be unhappy. I already agreed with Guoxiang about not having another child, that we would just do well raising Mingxi. And besides not having his arms, he’s very healthy and smart. But right now… Guoxiang keeps bringing this up, saying that before 40, we should have another one. Today during dinner, her even said such enigmatic words in front of Mingxi. I, I really…”

Li Han’s voice was full of tears. Jin Ai’hua kept comforting her.

In the end, Li Han choked out, “Actually, the second year after Mingxi’s arms were amputated, I had this idea too. Back then, I asked him if he wanted to have a younger brother or sister. But his expression made it very clear that he didn’t want it.”

Jin Ai’hua said, “How can you take a child’s words so seriously? Who in our generation didn’t have siblings? When my parents gave me younger siblings, they never asked my opinion about it.”

Li Han said, “But Mingxi is different from others. Even back then, he understood some things. Every day, he would sleep with me, wrapped around me, not letting my sleep together with his dad. Every day, he would ask me countless times, ‘Mommy, would you ever not want me?’, ‘Mommy, I’ll be very good. I’ll use my feet to eat and write.’ Ai’hua, when I heard that, my tears just wouldn’t stop falling. But Mingxi didn’t cry at all. Even when he had to do his stretches, even when it must have been so painful that I would cry just watching, he never once cried.”

Pang Qian listened somewhat absently from behind the door. Her heart felt extremely uncomfortable. She still had some recollection of the events from back then. Right now, thinking back on it, it was just like a nightmare.

Li Han sat for half an hour before going home. Pang Qian went out to the living room, with the excuse of getting some water to drink. Pang Shuisheng and Jin Ai’hua were talking in their room, their voices faintly traveling out.

Pang Qian heard her mom, “What do you think Ah Han meant? She’s always talking about how good Mingxi is. She can’t be thinking about our Qian Qian? To have her become Mingxi’s wife?”

In the living room, Pang Qian nearly spit out a mouthful of water. Then she heard Pang Shuisheng, “Quit the nonsense. Ah Han never had that intention. But after all, the reason Mingxi became this way… Our Qian Qian also holds some responsibility.”

Jin Ai’hua said anxiously, “What responsibility does Qian Qian have? She was only 5 years old then! What did she understand?!”

“Be more civil when you talk,” Pang Shuisheng said. “Actually, I still think that it would be best if Ah Han and Guoxiang had another child. At the factory, everyone inevitably talks about their kids. Like me, I’ll talk about how Qian Qian dances, that she got a 100 on her test, that I took her to the park on the weekend. There’s only Guoxiang who never speaks about Mingxi.”

Pang Qian suddenly felt that her eyes were dry and sharp, her heart felt very unhappy. She put down her cup quietly and went back to her room.

—

The next morning, Pang Qian and Gu Mingxi walked to school together.

The snow on the road still hadn’t melted, but it had become very muddy and slippery. Pang Qian was no longer interested in playing in the snow. She just lowered her head and walked silently.

After having walked halfway, she couldn’t hold back any more. She asked the boy beside her, “Gu Mingxi, do your parents want to give you a little brother or sister?”

Gu Mingxi halted his steps and looked at me uncertain for awhile. He shook his head, saying, “I don’t know.”

Pang Qian swayed back and forth beside him. “How can you not know? You don’t want a little brother or sister, right?”

Gu Mingxi shot her a glance. “Who said?! Who said I don’t want one?”

“I’m guessing.” Pang Qian didn’t dare repeat the words she’d overheard. She could only share her a.n.a.lysis. “Are you afraid that after your parents have another child, they won’t like you anymore?”

Gu Mingxi glanced at me, and then continued walking forward, two empty sleeves hanging limply at his sides. His voice was very calm, so much that he didn’t sound like an 11 year old kid. He said, “I know that my mom and dad both like me. Just… After I didn’t have arms, my dad probably felt a bit ashamed.”

Pang Qian stood, astonished.

Gu Mingxi turned to look at her, then smiled. With his two little canine teeth, he looked especially cute. He asked, “Pang Pang, do you think I’m something to be ashamed of?”

Pang Qian shook her head until it rattled. Gu Mingxi smiled even more happily, saying, “I also don’t think that I have anything to be ashamed of. Really.”