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As I grabbed him by the collar, Dante stumbled unexpectedly and was dragged away. His purple-black hair shook a few times, and his wide-open purple eyes could be seen between my instantly clear vision.
Ah, I think I missed you so much.
When I had you in front of me, I hated you and couldn’t stand it.
“I really thought anyone else could do that.”
I glared at Dante and gritted my teeth.
“It’s not like you meant to die, Dante.”
Hearing the reprimand, he pursed his lips in bewilderment, but it was faster for me to open my mouth again.
“That’s why you killed all the monsters you couldn’t even touch, isn’t it? Because you think it’s the end?”
A flinching shoulder, like someone caught off guard, gave me the answer. Seeing that reaction, I felt as if even the handful of reasons I had left were shattered into pieces.
What would ordinary people say first at the moment of the long-awaited reunion? What if I reunited with the person who firmly believed I died for a long time? If I had a duty to clear up that person’s misunderstanding, what would I say?
A plea that I don’t die? Or a plea for him to recognize me?
Whatever it was, it didn’t exist at the moment Dante and I met. Dante, who had to question my identity, had an expression as if he couldn’t follow this situation at all, and I was unilaterally pushing him in anger. No matter how you look at it, it wasn’t an ordinary scene.
But does that matter now?
I almost never had a chance to prove to you that I was alive again. I could have been left behind in a world where you died, and I could have had to ponder on my own about how you felt and why you had to make that choice.
To put it that way, it may be a lucky result that I was able to meet Dante before he disappeared from this world. However, the very fact that I had to take comfort in such things made my anger uncontrollable.
“Wait…”
Dante reflexively grabbed my hand as if trying to free my hand from his collar, then flinched and stretched his arm as soon as the warmth reached him. I saw no reason to be kind to Dante, who was too confused to say anything.
It might be more accurate to say that there was no time for that.
“From the time I accepted your feelings until now, I only believed in one thing.”
I could still see the dark black magic circle under my feet. It was infinitely huge and expansive, and it looked like it was made to curse someone. What is it to curse?
Your eternal life? You, who weren’t there when I died?
I’d rather you curse me for leaving you.
More strength went into my hand holding the collar.
“…You said you wouldn’t die.”
“…”
“You said with your mouth that you would live forever and never die!”
A voice filled with resentment rang out.
“What do you think I would be like if you died?”
Dante still had no answer.
“Why, did you think I would be happy? I’m dead and you died too, I’m so glad. Did you think it would be like that?”
My teeth gnashed at the words I uttered myself.
“Even if I hadn’t come back to life, I would have strangled you at least once, whether in heaven or hell.”
It seemed as if the purple eyes that were staring at me were greatly shaken at the words I added like driving a wedge. But I didn’t care. This feeling that engulfed me was so great that I couldn’t bear to look at you.
“I already expected that you wouldn’t recognize me, so it was okay. Even when you mistook me for a monster and almost strangled me, I understood. But this is a completely different matter. I don’t understand. Who understands this kind of thing?”
“…What,”
“You obviously said so. You have eternal life, so you won’t leave me by dying.”
Yet what is this? The last words that followed were filled with anger even to me. The anger I was spitting out was so clear that it seemed like my eyes were getting wet and blurry.
Even so, I looked at you. Although the corners of my eyes felt hot, that didn’t matter. I continued, hastily and ferociously, as if I couldn’t speak now.
“You clearly almost left me behind.”
“…”
“And it’s none other than dying, following me. If you died like that, you really wouldn’t have seen me again! Do you understand, Dante?”
You couldn’t understand, I couldn’t understand what I was saying either. It’s an unreasonable remark for you, who knew I was dead.
Look, even now, it was an expression as if he didn’t know what I was talking about.
As soon as I caught sight of Dante’s face, my mind wandered, and the high emotions that filled my brain drained out.
And what filled the gap was an emotion greater than resentment. One of the things I felt the most on my way to you.
I managed to spit out a question in it.
“…Why did you want to die?”
A question I already know the answer to.
“If you can live forever, just live, why bother… You couldn’t have thought about death, you could have just forgotten everything and lived the way you used to. Why…”
At the words that came out in pieces, Dante’s face contorted. No, is my vision distorted? I don’t know. I couldn’t figure it out. The water in front of my eyes thickened.
I haven’t cried even once on the way here, so why do I want to cry now that I’m here?
This landscape, where Dante’s face is visible, was soaked with water and blurred, like a fantasy.
“I… didn’t know you would.”
Obviously, I was angry earlier. I wanted to grab you by the collar for doing something ridiculous and continue to be angry. I realized it only when I saw you quietly listening to my words.
That I wasn’t mad at you.
“I didn’t know it would be so hard that you thought about dying…”
It wasn’t your eyes that I hated and couldn’t bear, it must have been me, who was reflected in your eyes. Yeah, it was like that.
I was always angry with myself, not with you.
Was it that hard to tell me I didn’t die? I only had to say one word, really just one word. Then you wouldn’t go crazy, and you wouldn’t be left alone in a place like this.
All of your 10 years of pain was my fault.
My fault for not considering your feelings.
“Why do you do that much?”
The barely spoken words were more like crying.
“It’s not enough that you said you would stay by my side forever, are you giving up on yourself because I’m not here? Why?”
“…Ei.”
“Why do you love me that much?”
In the end, it’s my selfishness that resents you until the end. Even though everything is clearly my fault for letting go of my responsibility and escaping, leaving a word that you don’t understand.
I didn’t mean to say this. I didn’t mean to get so angry as soon as I saw you and hold back my tears. A faint voice was heard. It seemed like you were calling my name, yet it seemed like you weren’t.
I hope not. As my appearance is unsightly to anyone.
Although it must have been a difficult situation for Dante to understand, with no back-and-forth explanations, there was no sign of him being in denial or rejecting me. The thought that it would be nice if one of us could say something, and if we could just stay still like this, were mixed together.
My hands gave out, and my arms fell helplessly. Before I knew it, I couldn’t see Dante’s face with my downward gaze. But if I had been looking up, it would have been the same. I couldn’t have discerned anything with my eyesight, barely holding back my tears.
At that moment, what filled my head was the thought of wanting to run away.
“…I should have said this first.”
Just like you once did, I wanted to run away. In this messed up moment.
“Even at that moment when you mistook me for a monster and attacked me, It was… really me, Dante. Not your fantasies or fakes.”
But before I run away, I have to say something.
“If you don’t want to believe it, don’t. I just… I won’t say anything else now I. don’t know what to say for you to believe me.”
After saying that, I turned around.
Really, to put it mildly, I ran away. As soon as I turned around, I saw a door in the distance, and I strode toward it, just as I had approached Dante for the first time.
I was worried about Dante behind me, but that’s why I walked even faster. I wanted to get out of the situation where I was angry, almost cried, and resented myself. Then I can get away. Yeah, that was it.
The distance quickly narrowed, and my hand was about to reach the doorknob.
There were arms wrapped around me from behind.
Ah, really. The warmth that he has painted over and over again. The sensations that seemed to be dulled by recalling over and over became clear again. It’s familiar, I missed it, it’s nice to see you, and I can’t help but feel sad.
Then, feeling that I was firmly locked in his arms, I spoke in a low voice.
“Don’t cry.”
“…Hm.”
A voice that didn’t seem to stop crying answered.