CH 36.1

I unconsciously tried to take my hand back, but he clutched it tighter and pressed it harder against his chest. It was an act reminiscent of turning a blind eye to evidence that could not be refuted.

Between my slightly opened lips, my breath trembled. Everything was so clear. His blue eyes, which stared straight at me. His heartbeat, as it pounded beneath my palm. His body temperature, which was consistently warm.

These vivid sensations rushed in all at once, overwhelming my mind entirely.

His blue eyes looked at me as though he was yearning to hear an answer—an answer towards the affection that was ever so present in that very gaze.

But I was afraid. I was afraid to acknowledge it. For some reason, it felt like it would be irrevocable.

I did not want to allow myself to see even the smallest ray of hope.

My heart had barely succeeded in giving up.

So, instead of giving an answer, I asked.

“Why… did you misunderstand me?”

“……”

It was a question that the present him would not be able to answer, and yet I asked anyway. I asked that question even though I knew it was cowardly of me.

No. Not yet. I’m not ready to accept anything—anything at all.

Because in the end, my resentment towards you… I don’t want it to rear its head.

Throughout all this time, my emotions had become so intertwined that I had confused my guilt and my resentment towards you…

But now, it’s my resentment that’s making itself more known.

I hate you. I hate you for misunderstanding me. I hate you for hating me. I hate that you grouped me together with the demons of Everett. I hate that you never ever tried to see me for who I am…

So, no. I cannot accept this.

My heart is in pain. My heart is filled with resentment. All this warmth, this tenderness, this affection, it’s all too late.

It all just keeps hurting me.

Every time you act so kindly towards me, instead of comforting me, it hurts. It’s as if you’re pouring salt over my open wounds. It’s as if you’re pressing down harder on a thorn that’s already piercing me.

And apart from that, it fills me with sorrow. Even though I’m receiving the warmth that I’ve always wanted, I can’t find it in me to be happy. I am filled with so much despair. Before being able to feel excitement or joy, fear would visit me first.

Why do I keep doubting everything even though everything’s so clear in front of my eyes?

Why do I keep being afraid of being hurt?

“…I also…”

I wish we could have met each other normally.

The relationship you have with Adeline Alvinith. I also wish we could have had a relationship like that.

However, the words vanished before my lips could form them.

The light rain that had been slowly dripping down upon the earth began to pour in earnest. We stood there, the two of us, beneath the torrent. Raindrops flowed into each of our hearts, neither of us making a move to protect them.

“…Excuse me, Your Grace…”

Then, Charlotte hesitated and stepped forward. She handed something to Theodore, and it turned out to be the white blanket that I was supposed to use here.

Theodore took it and soon spread it out over my head.

And in an instant, the world narrowed down. The white cloth became translucent in no time as it was hit with the rain.

Breaking out of my reverie, I looked back at Charlotte. I was worried that she might be getting rained on.

Fortunately, Charlotte had taken off her apron and put it over her head. …A small smile found itself on my lips without my knowledge.

“…Lily.”

Then came Theodore’s voice once more. I flinched reflexively.

Without looking back at him, I stayed still.

At the back of my mind, I had a hunch that I might waver again if I were to look at him.

I couldn’t control my feelings… It’s making me so scared, and at the same time, I hate that I’m scared.

“…The current me right now can’t apologize to you. I know that.”

“……”

“I can’t remember the past that you still remember… So I know that any effort that I make now would only be meaningless.”

“……”

“…Even still, I will make an effort. I’m sure I’ll remember. I’ll try to remember what that misunderstanding is. I’ll find out the reason why I…”

“……”

“The reason why I just turned away from my feelings and pushed you away.”

…My chest ached. Everything about this was uncomfortable to me. It would have been easier if he just left me alone, but he wouldn’t. He even kept seeking me out.

When it comes to a relationship between two people, it’s impossible for it to be one-sided. There’s bound to be a reaction when there’s no choice but to interact with each other.

For as long as he would shower me with kindness and goodwill, I knew that I was bound to be influenced by this. I knew that I would eventually change.

But I want to distance myself from that possibility. Completely and utterly.

“What if it wasn’t a misunderstanding?”

Still not looking at him, I asked. He was so sure that the only thing that kept us apart was just a misunderstanding. But that might not be the case.

The truth might be so surprisingly simple.

“Think about it… We’ve been together for a year and a half, and yet you still hated me. Why do you think it’s like that?”

That day, almost forever ago at the Everett residence’s garden, I might not be the only one who had been hit by an invisible arrow.

He could have been hit with an arrow as well, just like me.

However, I was Duke Everett’s daughter.

And after watching my actions all this time, I might have been different to his initial impression of me.

Maybe that’s why he became disappointed in me. And maybe that’s why he hates me.

Rather than assuming that there had been some misunderstanding between us, this was exceedingly more believable.

“…That’s impossible.”

Theodore replied belatedly. His voice was shaking.

Even though I wasn’t facing him, I could clearly imagine what his expression was and what kind of look he had in his eyes.