They reached Alanâs room, and Siana regretted her decision. She had agreed to his proposal, but when she was finally here; she felt nervous and queasy. Even though she tried to avoid looking at Alan, she could see that he glanced towards the bed which made Siana freeze with tension. When Alan took off his jacket and hung it over the back of the chair in his room, Siana fumbled with hers.
âAre you going to take off your jacket?â asked Alan.
âOh, um,â stammered Siana, âI am trying to.â
She fumbled with the buttons of her jacket and took it off with trembling hands. One of her sleeves was stuck and wasnât coming off. Alan grabbed the jacket and pulled it off.
âThanks,â she said.
âOf course,â he said, âDinner wonât be ready for a while. You can have a seat.â
âOh okay,â she said nervously, âmy jacket.â
âI will hang it up,â he said, âJust make yourself comfortable. I will give it back to you when we go for dinner.â
âThat is the least of my worries,â she thought. Alan, meanwhile, took both of their jackets and hung it up in the closet. His room was well-kept, his desk was clean. His clothes were arranged in order. He seemed to be a natural at keeping his space clean. She relayed this to him.
âWell, the military teaches you a thing or two, I guess,â he said.
âThey teach you how to clean?â she asked, eyebrows raised.
âIn a way, yes,â he said, âYou have to learn to take care of yourself. Nobody will do it for you. And most times you donât have anyone you can trust, so you learn to take care of your things. People you begin to trust might drop dead tomorrow, so every act becomes meaningless.â
She hadnât planned to bring up painful memories for her friend. âSorry,â she apologized, âI wasnât intending to bring up bad memories.â
âItâs alright,â he said, closing the closet door, âIt used to be painful, but now it just feels like something from a different life.â He walked towards her and grabbed her hand, intertwining his hands with hers. She tried not to flinch at the stark contrast between their skin: one calloused than the other. âYou are by my side now, so I feel luckier than most. I shouldnât complain.â
âIt is okay to complain about things,â she said, âJust because you are alive doesnât mean you have to accept and live with things as they are.â
Alan was quiet. He leaned towards her, his breath spilled over her shoulders. It made Siana feel more worried than ever. âUm, Alan,â she stammered. He was too close.
âYou alwaysâŚ,â his voice trailed off, and he became alert. Thankfully, he straightened and took a step away from Siana. She stood there awkwardly. There was a knock at the door.
âYour Lordship,â came the voice from outside the door, âDinner is ready.â
âWe will be there,â said Alan briskly.
She hadnât sensed the butler approaching, but Alan had. She felt sorry that he was always so alert, perhaps a remnant from his time in the war. She felt sorry for him. However, as he reached his hand out to take hers, she took it, pretending she was fine with it.
* * *
Alanâs dining room was larger than that of the vile viscountâs house. She felt strange in this space as the dinner was laid out on the vast table. It was a feast! She was reminded again of Alanâs stature in society and the huge chasm between them. She tried to brush the thoughts aside and focused on the delicious food.
She complimented the chef on providing such a feast. Her anxiety was momentarily on hold. The scrumptious food helped a little. They finished their dinner and left the dining room. As they were walking through the hallway, Alanâs deep voice came from somewhere above her head.
âI am glad you enjoyed it,â he said.
Siana had been lost in her own thoughts, and his voice jarringly brought her back to the present. âSorry?â she asked.
âThe dinner, I mean,â he said, âYou even complimented the chef.â
âOh,â she said, âDinner was great. So many new dishes that I had never tried before.â
âYou can eat like that every single day,â he said, âif we are married.â
Alan sounded like he had been waiting to utter those words. He was still trying, shamelessly and adamantly, to change her answer. All Siana heard was the worried âmarriedâ which made her flinch and shiver. She sighed, wearily.
âI will make you enjoy everything here,â he said.
Sianaâs heart pounded in her chest. Nothing felt good. She wasnât able to calm down. She was quiet. She felt strange that he noticed everything she did and she dreaded the act for which she had come here, in this mansion, with him.
When they entered the room, her pulsating anxiety became worse. The bed, in her vision, glared at her and she felt nauseous.
âSia,â Alan called.
âWhat?â she said, rather hurriedly. The mere sound of her name shocked her.
âDo you want to wash up first?â he asked, âOr should I?â
âI will go first,â she said quickly. Anything to be away from here for a while.
âDo you want me to call a maid to help with your bath?â he asked.
âNo,â she said, âI can do it myself.â
âOkay,â he said.
She headed to the bathroom stiffly. From behind her somewhere, she thought she heard Alan laughing, but she ignored it. She closed the door of the bathroom and turned on the faucet. She had expected cold water, but it was hot. When she examined the faucet, a magical tool was shining over it. To afford such a magical facility was very pricey. Siana was fascinated.
âThere was ice,â said Siana, to herself, âAnd now there is automatic hot water. Wow, so this is the life of a Lord.â She lowered herself into the water and studied the bottle of oil next to the tub. She opened it and poured several drops into the water. A pleasant aroma filled the room.
Normally, a hot bath would make her feel better no matter how bad a day she might have had. But today, she only felt disturbed. Am I really going to have to do this? Siana wondered. Even though they had spent so many years apart, she had always thought of Alan as her friend. People did say that friendship could turn into love, but there was no word in the world to describe the strangeness she felt. This just felt wrong. She would have to go through with it since she had come to the mansion, but the thought of it made her so queasy. She sat there in the tub, staring off into space with only herself and her thoughts. A knock at the door rudely interrupted her. She flinched.
âSia,â said Alan from outside the bathroom door, âThe maid brought you a gown. I will hang it on the door for you. You can wear it when you get out.â
âOkay,â she said dazedly, âThank you.â
Siana got out of the tub and wiped herself. She wrapped the robe around her and picked up the clothes she had taken off.
âI am done,â she said, as she came out of the bathroom.
âAlright,â he said, âGo ahead and dry yourself while I bathe.â
âOkay,â she said.
âI had my butler fetch this while you were in,â he said, indicating a bottle of wine on the small table. âYou can drink it if you want.â
Siana could bet that it was a very expensive wine. She nodded vaguely. Alan went to the bathroom. She found a magical tool that blew her hair to dry. She combed her hair and sat at the edge of the bed. What in the world is he planning? Siana thought. She hadnât ever thought that her life would come to this. She would have crossed the border by now. But she was here, in his room, sitting on his bed! She thought she had no way of turning back. She had made her choice, unwillingly and hastily, but she wished she could run away, somewhere far, far away where nobody could find her.
Yulia said it will be painful the first time, thought Siana worriedly. She had never liked pain since childhood. She looked at the bathroom door in anxiety. Her fear was mounting. Any minute, he would come out of that door and she could do nothing. She looked around the room and saw the wine bottle on the small table that Alan had indicated.
I donât think I can do this sober, thought Siana. She could never hold her liquor. Perhaps if she was drunk enough, it would be easier. She picked up the bottle and uncorked it. She poured herself a glass and downed it in one go. It usually took only one glass to make her tipsy, but at the moment even that failed her. She poured another glass and downed it. No effect! Why in the world isnât this working?! Siana wondered frantically. Am I too nervous?