"Didn't you tell me this, sir? The possibility of survival after castration was one in two. Life or death, didn't you say that my chance of survival would be fifty percent if I received the surgery from you?"
"I did say that. But you......"
"Yes, you said that since I was on the older side, my chance of survival was lower."
"......"
"But thanks to you, the chance of dying had been reduced. As you said, after the surgery, I am to spend one hundred days and one hundred nights in this recovery room. If a gust of wind were to enter this room, if I were to catch a cold, if the wound was to get infected and become inflamed, you told me that I would definitely die. You told me that my chances of dying would be great."
"......"
"My chances of dying are huge. You told me that rather than wondering whether I'd die, it would be more correct to wonder whether I'd live. However, I woke up due to a cold gust of wind that was brought in when you entered this room. Now the chances of dying have risen beyond saving, don't you think?"
Raon's eyes that were looking at Chae ChunSoo were bright with sorrow. Chae ChunSoo thought it would have been more appropriate if Raon's eyes were filled with resentment, but to think they were sorrowful. It felt like the old man had bothered this young one with his wrong suspicions. And to think that the one that broke the taboo of entering the recovery room after a surgery was himself... still, he couldn't bring himself to apologize to Raon.
"You rascal, watch your sharp temper. Alright, alright."
Due to feeling guilty and apologetic, Chae ChunSoo threw away his doubts of the surgery. And then he hurriedly exited the recovery room.
Bang! The secret room's door closed shut. A familiar darkness and silence filled the room. Raon blinked her eyes and stared into the darkness. They said that the most cunning thing was one's body. It took a while for her vision to return to the darkness after the old man had brightened her field of view with the oil lamp he had brought with him.
Raon, who had been looking into the dark interior of the room, gently got off her seat and stood up. One by one, she took off the blankets that were over her body and moved it aside. Even in the dark, one could see the dark bloody stain on her lower region.
With a flinch, Raon felt the biting pain of her lower half. A frown on her brow, Raon looked around. It was as if she was looking for something. However, in the dark-filled room, the thing she was looking for wasn't there. With a low sigh, Raon untied her jeogori. Taking off the shabby cotton outer jeogori, a silk inner jeogori was revealed.
(T/N: jeogori = upper garment of a hanbok, traditional Korean clothing.)
An inner jeogori? It was a piece of clothing that seemed to be too luxurious for a young man who lived paycheck to paycheck to own. However, thankfully, there wasn't anyone in the room to remark on its strangeness.
Raon began to busily pull. Her shoulders came into view once the silk jeogori was taken off. Even as her little round shoulders were trembling, Roan didn't stop her hands. A small bow tie was concealing something special. On guard, Raon took one last look around the dark room and began to pull on the bow tie. In the fine darkness, one could hear cotton clothing being undone. At long last, the bashful shape of two breasts emerged. It was clearly...... a woman's chest. Even in the dark, the swollen rising small mounds were chillingly white to the eyes.
Raon lowered her eyes. A body had been pitifully revealed in the dark. It was not a body of a small and tender seventeen-year-old boy, but the body of a young woman who had begun to develop. She was a seventeen-year-old woman who was like a shy spring flower, or rather a bright summer flower.
However......
Raon, who had been looking down at the white mounds on her chest, whispered in a small voice.
"Not to disappear, but to live."
Raon cut off half of the chest cover cloth that had fallen to the floor. She wound it around her thigh, which was drenched in blood. Just in case, she had inflicted a wound on her though.
At first, when she had heard that she had come here to prepare to be a eunuch, she was so shocked that she couldn't speak. She had even thought of finding the nobleman and arguing with him. She had soon given up on that thought. The money that the nobleman had lent her was four hundred nyang. It was the precious money that would save DanHee's life. It was a large sum of money that would be hard to obtain. Therefore, she decided to deceive Eomgong Chae ChunSoo. She was filled with dread. If she was discovered, she would die.
To Raon, her mother and sister were people that she had to protect. No matter what, she had to find a way to become a eunuch. Thankfully, the eomgong was a man who had an incredible appetite for liquor. Blaming her nerves, she asked the eomgong for a round of drinks. Grateful for small mercies, Raon was glad that the eomgong didn't seem to be concerned about whether she drank or not. He was too busy telling stories from his long-lived life. She just had to tilt her ear towards the eomgong. She didn't forget to offer him a glass of alcohol from time to time. And in the cups of alcohol, she put a little bit of opium. Therefore, Eomgong Chae ChunSoo became drunk faster than normal and fell into a deeper sleep than usual.
Raon put the unconscious Chae ChunSoo to one side and cut her thigh to let out the blood. Then she proceeded to enter the recovery room and pretended to sleep. She did this so that when Chae ChunSoo woke up from his drunken sleep, he'd believe that he had already performed the surgery.
The wound on her thigh was very deep. Her lower body was drenched with blood. Thanks to that, Chae ChunSoo was deceived perfectly. However, the relief was only momentary because with it came dizziness. It seemed that the wound was too deep. Her blood soaked lower half became even more drenched. Raon cut half of her chest covering to wrap it around the wound to stop the bleeding.
The blood that had been flowing out angrily had calmed down a bit. Whew, Raon bit out a sigh and picked up the rest of her chest covering, which had piled up like the discarded skin of a snake. The long piece of cloth looked sad for some reason. The breasts that had to be sealed inside this piece of cloth was even more pitiful.
She couldn't remember when he had begun to dress as a man. Ever since she was very young, by the time she was old enough to remember, she was already living as a poor boy.
Her mother told her that it was the only way she could continue to live. For whatever reason, her mother never gave her a detailed answer whenever she asked about it. She only told her that it was her wish as a mother for Raon to live that way. Thus, Raon lived as a boy up till now. She had lived up till now as a fence that would protect her mother and DanHee. She had lived up till now, looking forward to the day she could return to living as a young woman.
However...... It felt as if the events of yesterday had led her down a path of no return. She had a sad hunch that she could never go back to the way it was before yesterday...... Even if that is the case, I won't cry. Even if I cry, nothing will change. So I'm going to continue moving forward while laughing. I'm going to continue to live courageously.
Raon took the chest covering and pressed down her swollen breasts once again. As if she was trying to hide the scent of a fragrant woman, as if she was trying to hide the nature of a developing girl, Raon continued to pull on the cloth covering her chest.
The fair figure of a woman's body that was just here now seemed like a lie. In a moment, she erased the fragrance and expression of a woman and returned to being a young, destitute, seventeen-year-old boy.
"Not to disappear...... but to live."
Raon, who used the back of her hand to wipe her eyes that had become blurry with tears, chanted these words as if they were an incantation. Then she raised her sullen lips into a smile with much difficulty.
Like the meaning behind my name, I'm going to live joyfully.
She didn't know why she felt so sad. She didn't know why a part of her heart stung...... She really didn't know.
---
The one hundred days that felt like an eternity had finally passed. The one hundredth night had finally come and gone.
Around the time Raon was about to give up counting in the dark recovery room......Around the time even the trees got tired of the slow passage of time......
Creeaak.
The door to the secret room that had been closed all this time finally opened. The golden sunlight touched the top of Raon's head as she went outside. The season was running towards summer.