On the night before I departed for the expedition, Nidel-dono, in bird form, entered from the window as I was making preparations for the journey.
Iâd expected him to come today, and thus was ready to halt my preparations.
ăSorry, are you busy?ă
ăNo, Iâm already done with all the preparations.ă
Nidel-dono, whoâd returned to his human form, gave a small laugh, saying âIs that so.â Ever since those rumours had spread in the Royal Palace, Nidel-donoâs expression had clouded over a little. When I thought of how it hadnât clouded over because of his own situation but rather because he was concerned for me, it made me exultant being worried over like that.
I gazed at Nidel-dono.
When I thought of how I wouldnât be able to meet Nidel-dono for the next month starting tomorrow, I felt desolate. At present, the only person I got along well personally outside of work was Nidel-dono.
Nidel-dono, not wearing his hood, had his face exposed, but because he was shorter than me, even if I lowered my head, it was difficult to decipher his expression.
ăAre you hurt anywhere?ă
Nidel-dono spoke with his soft voice and held my hand, checking for any injuries. Iâd often hurt my hand unconsciously, and there were many times when Nidel-dono healed it for me. This happened the first time we met too.
ăYouâll be going out on an expedition, right? If youâve got any injuries, Iâll heal them for you.ă
Nidel-dono had already taken my other hand. Nidel-donoâs beautiful hands touched my hands to check them. Whenever Nidel-donoâs slightly cold fingers touched me, Iâd always feel as if it was my insides that were being touched. It was an inexplicable feeling.
I felt embarrassed, seeing Nidel-dono whoâd always adopt an easygoing attitude while giving me special treatment and tenderly worrying over me.
I thought of silly things such as how nice it would have been if I had gained even a small injury as it meant getting healed.
Nidel-dono, while holding my hand, remained silent with a downcast head. When I wondered what happened, Nidel-dono let out a sigh.
ăIâm really sorry.ă
At the words Nidel-dono uttered, I knitted my eyebrows in doubt. I didnât understand what he was apologising for.
ăIâm really sorry, for everything that happened. Itâs all my fault.ă
ăWhat are you talking about?ă
ăAbout the rumours. Legato and mineâŚI never thought such a terrible thing would occur.ă
Letting out a sigh, Nidel-dono let go of my hand. I felt a little disappointed.
ăThatâs not something Nidel-dono needs to apologise for. Nidel-dono is also one of the concerned parties. Weâre the same.ă
ăWeâre not the same.ă
Nidel-dono gave a wry smile and looked at me.
ăThereâs the fact that Iâm always holed up in the tower too, but your and mine statuses are different. Iâm a petty magician of the Tech Order who people donât even spare a glance at, but Legato is different.ă
Nidel-donoâs mouth twisted into a grimace, but the eyes that looked at me were gentle.
ăItâs inevitable youâll be successful in life. Youâre set to become the Captain of the Knight Order in the future. Youâll become the face of the nation. You have that much strength in you.ă
Being praised by Nidel-dono surprised me. I didnât know he thought so highly of me, and my heart felt restless. I donât have that great a power as Nidel-dono imagines, and Iâm still a greenhorn, but being told so by Nidel-dono gave me unbounded joy.
ăYou are of noble lineage, and also have a rank. Both your looks and personality are great. Youâre a hard worker and are polite even to those below you. Moreover, youâre are loved by everyone around you. You occasionally mess up, but still, I think Legato is a perfect man.ă
ăâŚNidel-dono, you praise me too much.ă
Praised to the skies, I felt my temperature rise from the embarrassment. I felt my face burn up, and in an attempt to evade it, I placed my hand at the back of my neck.
ăLeaving a stain on you, who is looked up to by the whole kingdom, makes me feel deeply regretful.ă
Nidel-dono lowered his eyes in self-reproach.
ăâŚNidel-dono, it isnât particularly a stain or anything.ă
ăItâs a stain. The news of you and me has spread in the whole Royal Palace. From now on, no matter what life you lead, this story will follow you. You should have been able to marry a person suited for you, and lived a wonderful and happy life without anyone pointing fingers at you behind your back.ă
ăNidel-dono.ă
ăItâs because I got carried away. I took advantage of your kindness. I selfishly got you involved. Iâm really sorry.ă
Nidel-dono, saying so, lowered his head to me, his robe quivering. I was puzzled. I really didnât hold any grudges towards Nidel-dono, and I honestly thought it was a good thing that I got along well with him. Many good things had happened thanks to the rumours too.
When I thought of voicing my opinion, Nidel-dono continued his words.
ăI donât think the rumours will disappear completely, but I think by the time Legato returns from the expedition, it should be more calm. If it doesnât affect us anymore, I donât think the people around us will raise a fuss either.ă
I felt my temperature, thatâd risen from Nidel-donoâs praise, plunge to freezing depths.
ăLegato must have had marriage meetings, right? Once you get married to a woman, the rumours too will die out. Iâll properly tell the people around not to say anything bad of you.ă
Gazing at him speak increasingly vehemently with a serious face, I realised something.
Is he perhaps, talking of breaking up?
When I thought of that, my chest suddenly started to feel heavy. To stop Nidel-dono, who was still rambling on, I threw a question at him.
ăNidel-dono, is this breakup talk?ă
When asked so, Nidel-dono, caught off-guard, opened his eyes wide and returned my stare, then gave a wry smile.
ăEven if you call it breakup talkâŚit isnât as if weâre going out, so there isnât any breaking up either?ă
ăThatâs true, butâŚă
ăWell, take it in that sense. Letâs stop meeting privately now. Legato too is leaving the castle for a month. This is a good opportunity.ă
ăâŚNo, Nidel-dono. Even if you say it out of the blue, I think of Nidel-dono as a precious friend, and if you say that, I canât accept it and readily reply âYes, I seeâ.ă
When I said that seriously, Nidel-dono once again made an expression of shock and then laughed a little.
ăIs that so⌠Iâm happy to hear that. But well, think carefully on your expedition, while youâre away from the Royal Palace. Itâs about your most important future.ă
After Nidel-dono said so, while sayingăDo your best on the expedition. Take care of your body.ăhe patted my arm once and transformed into a bird. And then just as I began to speak, he left from the window.
I watched that figure disappear into the daze in a daze. I didnât know what I should to say, but I knew that I had to stop him. We needed to have a proper chat.
I let out a sigh and sunk onto my chair. And like that, I was absentmindedly absorbed by my thoughts.
What Nidel-dono had said was logical. It was strange to continue such a relationship with Nidel-dono.
Itâd have been better if we hadnât joined bodies. If itâd been so, even if weâd frolicked about a bit, I could have been confident that he was simply a friend. Even at that time in the meeting, when I was questioned by the King, I could have told my honest feelings, that ăNidel-dono is an important friend, we have nothing to be guilty about.ă.
However, with a body that had intimately connected with him many times, I couldnât say that he was ăsimply a friendă.
However that was lust, and if asked whether or not I loved him, I wouldnât nod in agreement. I think of him as a truly important, precious friend whom I can open up to. Although, I wonder if thatâs love?
I was the one who should have apologised to Nidel-dono.
I was the one who took advantage of Nidel-donoâs feelings towards me and used him as I felt convenient.
I looked at the half-open window. Even though it wasnât as if Nidelâs-dono would return, I couldnât bring myself to close the window.
And so, early in the morning, the Captain of the Royal Knight Order left for the Northern Fortress.
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