The luster of the ocean shone over the mackerel that was roasted golden brown.
My mother deboned the fleshy part herself and put it into my bowl. No wrinkles could be seen on her face. She looked like the young widow who had lost her husband early on and opened up a fish stand at Namhang Market by herself.
The regret that I felt as the scenes of my life were flashing before me was as deep as my longing to preserve this very moment forever.
She was a dedicated mother her entire life, and her visage was lovelier and nobler than any other actress.
âSon, are you crying?â My mother looked at me worriedly.
I shook my head in denial as I forced back the sobs that were coming up my throat.
Like an idiot.
I wasnât filial to her when she was alive, and the flashback in front me showed that I hardly cared for her.
I spooned up the rice and the fish meat that she deboned for me and shoved it into my mouth.
But whatâs this?
I kept chewing the food as the flavor lingered on my tongue and I could feel the fullness of the rice as I swallowed it down my throat. It felt way too real to be an illusion. Maybe itâs this delicious because itâs such a clear yet fleeting flashback.
It was like I was facing my mother once again at the dinner table. Just like that time. 1
It was then that the surroundings inside the room gradually entered my sight.
The room was small like only two people would fit if they lay down, and the wallpaper â stained yellow with time â was moldy, outdated, and worn. A light bulb was hanging from the ceiling. Wasnât that the only one intentionally left out for use in order to save on the electricity bill?
This was definitely the small one-room rental that my mother and I had been living in since middle school. It was like everything was duplicated to match that period of time.
âMom?â
The face of my mother â who had watched over her child with love â was brimming with life, as if I could touch her if I just raised my hand a little.
I mustered up the courage and reached out.
Her face, which hasnât been damaged by the sun, felt so lifelike.
On the opposite side, my motherâs eyes grew wider than before. Of course, sheâll be wondering what on earth was up if her usually unfeeling son caressed her face as he shed tears while eating.
I went back in time.
I couldnât understand the situation.
I had decided to hang myself and die.
I woke up but I returned to the time when I was 14.
Was my previous life just a nightmare?
If not, then a prank by God?
Either way was fine by me. Right now, the fact that I could experience this moment once again feels like a blessing from God instead.
âYeongguk-ah, letâs play soccer after school!â The classmate sitting beside me in class, and whose name I didnât know, called out to me in a familiar tone.
This is a rural neighborhood that didnât even have a small arcade. This generation of kids gathers to play soccer after school, as if keeping a vow.
âI wonât be playing soccer starting today.â
âWhy?â
âIâm going to study.â
My classmate looked at me as if asking if a ghost was peeling and eating rice seeds. 2 But I just turned my back at my speechless classmate and walked out of the classroom.
The playground seemed so wide to me when I was a child. It was where I used to play soccer all the time with my friends after school.
A place in my faded memories, a familiar but unfamiliar place.
I doubted multiple times whether this was a dream or an illusion that I was having at the very moment of my death. But the people who were full of life and the scent of the sea that tickled my nose were not fake.
After several days passed, the feelings of uneasiness â the memory of losing my mother, and even the time when I lost my way and drifted about â ebbed away like the tide.
âPerhaps, youâre giving me another chance?â I looked up and asked the clear and cloudless sky.
Of course I didnât get a reply from God, but that silence felt affirmative. Hadnât I already lived a failed life? Hadnât I experienced how indifferent and harsh society was?
I donât want to regret things anymore.
I will never let go of this second chance that was given to me.
My hands balled into fists on their own and my steps felt lighter than ever.
And in that moment, an unknown bird circled around the blue sky above, as if in response to my determination.
The cry of seagulls.
The boats were loudly docking at the pier.
Namhang Market, which was side by side with the pier, sprawled like a maze just like a regular traditional market. 3
It was filled with the rough accents of Busan ahjummas 4 and the scent of the sea. The fish, which looked like they jumped straight out of the water, were splashing their tails in the red basins that they were trapped in.
âMom!â
My mother, who runs a stall at Namhang, got up from her seat with startled eyes.
âSon, what brings you here?â
âI came to help with your work.â
âWhat?â My mother still looked bewildered.
Naturally thatâs because her son, who was embarrassed at having to open up a fish stall at the market, had never set foot in Namhang even once.
My mother rubbed her eyes with her sleeves to check whether she was dreaming or not.
âLetâs see if the fish are in good condition.â
I examined, with an experienced eye, the fish that were put on display. The display was filled with blue-backed mackerel and light green-tinged saurel. 5 The best ones had already been sold at the live fish market, 6 and these were the leftovers â the ones that my mother had bought early in the morning.
âMom, Iâll rearrange the fish.â
âHuh?â
In my past life, when I was bouncing from one extra role to another, I wasnât making a living through acting alone. I had to look for other jobs in order to cover my living expenses.
âStealing is what I learnedâ. Isnât that how the saying goes? 7
I had also worked as a cabbie 8 and a laborer, but the job that suited me the most was the one that I had learned from my childhood â selling fish.
I went back and forth between the market and the supermarket and sold a lot of fish.
âYeongguk-ah, should I put the mackerel and the saurel here?â
My mother didnât have a sense for business yet. It was safe to say that she was the youngest one among the long row of Busan ahjimaes 9 who were manning the fish stalls. Her attempts in peddling her goods were buried by the ahjimaesâ strong and rough accents, and she couldnât attract a single customer.
As if to prove that, what her stall attracted wasnât the customersâ attention, but the flies.
âHuff.â I breathed in from my belly and exhaled loudly.
The most important thing in soliciting customers is vocal projection and enunciation. Moreover, my body is that of a 14-year-old. I needed abdominal breathing even more than I did when I was acting.
After a while, I opened my mouth like I was pulling a trigger.
âHere hereâ! Extra cheap and delicious fish! Donât just walk by, we have both mackerel and saurel! Come and check it outâ!â 10
My mother gaped at the sound of my voice that shot out like a cannon.
But that wasnât the end of it. Gestures were also needed in order to win against the Busan ahjimaes who were old hands at selling at Namhang.
âNoonaâ! 11 How about having mackerel as a side dish tonight? Take a look here. Your boyfriend will love it for sureâ!â
The eyes of a middle-aged woman passing by widened in surprise as she cast a curious gaze at the childlike face.
Thatâs half the job done. I grasped this opportunity and put more power to my voice.
âEven if your husband has gone out of the house, this mackerel will make him turn around and come back home just by its smellâ!â
âWhoa, look at this child. How old is he? So spirited.â
âNoonas, donât just walk by. Come over here and peep this! Iâll give you lotsâ!â
One by one, the tourists and aunties 12 passing by started to gather around the fish stall. To keep up this momentum, I peddled even more eagerly to the point that passersby had stopped walking so they could watch the show.
âWow noona, youâre such a beauty, I added a few more pieces of saurel for you. Iâll get in trouble if the boss finds out, so itâs our secret! Our secret!â
Now even the surrounding ahjimaes from the other fish stalls had stopped their fierce peddling and watched me with interest. Probably because of that, the fish displayed on the stall were selling out fast.
My mother was able to tidy up the stall earlier than usual in the evening. Even though she tried to dissuade me, I insisted on closing up the stall together and I even helped out the surrounding aunties with theirs.
Because of that, I seemed to have become a celebrity at Namhang in just a day. Even the ahjussi from the fruit store was already praising me and giving us leftover strawberries.
âSon, you donât have to help me like thisâŠâ
My mother felt bad even though her son was being praised for selling the fish with his own hands. Countless emotions were brewing in her eyes on their way home.
âItâs okay, Iâm doing it because I like it.â
âThen, shall we have your favorite samgyupsal 13 for dinner tonight?â
âMom, I like mackerel the most. Please prepare it for dinner.â
I really wanted to cook dinner myself but I couldnât do as I pleased because I know that for my mother, making her son eat to his heartâs content was a small piece of joy.
After enjoying a pleasant dinner in the small room that was just enough for two people to lie down in, I opened a self-study book on the small tabletop.
âAre you going to study?â My mother observed me carefully with wide eyes.
Probably because it seemed too different from my usual behavior. I had worked during the day and was now about to study at night. Her son suddenly became sensible and she wasnât sure what to make of it.
The rim of my motherâs eyes reddened, looking like she was thinking about the past. She must have had it so difficult as a young widow who was widowed early and had to raise her son by herself.
The small one-room rental that she had found after moving from one hostel to another. The fish stall that she had set up at Namhang. Business wasnât good, but today the fish were all sold out for the first time with the help of her son.
Without a word, I held my motherâs hand and embraced her. I looked at her reddened eyes and swore to myself.
The market as we know, with fruits and vegetables and other produce (as opposed to Namhang Market which specializes in seafood). There are other also produce sold in Namhang Market though.