I was an outcast during junior and senior highschool. It’s not that I got assaulted physically or sexually, however the other kids hated me. At that time I didn’t know the reason why. I was really good at studying and I thought there was nothing wrong with my personality. In my 2nd university year finally I knew the reason. Really, I knew after so late.
“Ah, Kim Soo Hee? Her specialty is wagging her tail (in front of men)*.”
“Right! Au… She’s really suck”
As I listened quietly to those girls, whom I thought were my close friends since I got into university, I felt horrible beyond expectation. However I felt wrongly accused. Until that time, I was never even once in a relationship. Ah, Ah, I can’t. Even like this was being called as an excuse. I’m so sad.
Anyway, in other women’s eyes it seems like I was always wiggling my tails in front of men. Just like 100 tails fox*. Until I was 23 years old, I didn’t even know what it means. However as I was getting older and reached mid 20s, I started to realize why. I didn’t even know or mean for it but high spec men were always trying to get closed to me. I never asked for it but they bought me branded bags and cosmetics. At first as I felt burdensome and refused them, however as I was getting older I started to enjoy those attention.
Just like how those girls in my university days said, maybe I was indeed an 100 tails fox. However when I reached 26 years old, I fixed my heart. Probably because I met Jin Soo. He didn’t have any money and not that handsome either. However, he cherished and loved me wholeheartedly. When I was with him even if I didn’t feel so happy I could die, I always felt comfortable. I felt so happy in his embrace. Instead of receiving expensive gifts from those men before, having humble meal in small room with Jin Soo made me happier. I always thought that my life from 26 until 27 years old was the happiest moment in my life.
However that day, my life was ruined. A man, who used to said he liked, even loved me and chased me everywhere, suddenly stabbed me to death. He said if he couldn’t have me, then let’s just die together. I couldn’t hear more than that. In the dark night, he stabbed me with something cold and sharp over and over. It’s hurt.
With creepy and disgusting laughter I heard he said,
“Love you. I love you.”
I was starting to lose my eyesight.
“You’re the bad one, you know. If you just accept me, this won’t be happening.”
I didn’t hear what he said as I started to lose my conciousness.
‘No…’
Jin Soo’s face crossed in my mind.
‘Don’t want to…’
I wanted to live. I started to remember Jin Soo’s message just before.
” Today I finished work early so I made Duenjang-Jigge*. Come back home quickly. I miss you.”
Jin Soo was waiting for me at home. I needed to go back to our home. I tried to move my body but nothing happened. I had to reply that I also missed him.
“I want… to live.”
I still hadn’t said that I love him to Jin Soo. Jin Soo’s face kept flashing in my eyes. In truth I didn’t feel that I loved him that much. However in my last moment somehow I missed him so much. The thought that I couldn’t see him again hurt me more than the stabbed wound. It’s hurt.
I heard the man’s voice again.
” I love you”
My tears kept falling down. I was dying. I could feel it. But I really wanted to say those words. Not to that crazy man who stabbed me, but to Jin Soo..
“Jin Soo – ya*, I lo….”
After that I fell into darkness.
I was really felt like I was sleeping. I feel like maybe I didn’t really die. That high ceiling, that new-like LED lamp, that new age melody, the fluffy blanket and that warm sweet smell. Everything is nice. Everything is nice except this is definitely not our home.
My mind is waking up suddenly. Afterall I think I was kidnapped. My mind was blank and I starts to scream,
“ooh hhe hhe, ong hee hee, ong heeee!”
What the… I can’t speak. I am frozing. How come I can’t even speak? Then I realized what condition this is. I can’t believe it. This must be a dream. I closed my eyes tightly and then opened them again. It’s still this same dream. Let’s try pinching myself…
‘uhmmm, I can hardly move my hand!!’
I could hardly move my hand. This body feels like it’s not mine. I know now. I become a baby. Such an absurd thing is happening.
Then I heard a voice from somewhere.
“Another bitch baby again?! You should know your shame!”
At that time I didn’t know that the jerk was my Aboji*.
TL Note:
Wagging tail (in front of men): Korean proverb basically means seducing men.100 tails fox: a Korean deity called gumiho in Korean who likes seducing men and eating their kidneys.Duenjang-jigge: Korean fermented soybean soup.[Name] -ya / a : an endearment when calling someone close whose age similar or younger than the speaker.Aboji : father (semi formal)