I was on my way to the 24-hour supermarket in front of the train station when I unexpectedly ran into someone I knew. We stood in front of each other with our mouths open like idiots and then pointed at each other at the same time.
âYoshida-senpai.â
âWhat are you doing here?â
Mishima was standing in the street at night, dressed in a tailorâs suit.
âAh⊠I went to see a movie.â
âYou just got off work and went straight to see a movie. You sure have a lot of energy left in you.â
The fact that she was still in her suit meant that she hadnât gone home yet. To my surprise, Mishima nodded while showing an ambiguous smile on her face.
âThereâs something I really wanted to see.â
âWhatâs it called?â
âAh⊠hmm⊠the movieâs called Song of Hydrangea1.â
âOh, you mean the one with the huge poster in front of the station?â
Every morning, I see a huge poster on my way to the train station. If I remember correctly, the leading lady was one of Hashimotoâs favorite actresses. When that guy talked to me about that movie, he told me over and over again âYou should definitely go see itâ but I couldnât remember the details because every time he told me about it, I didnât really pay him any attention.
âWas it good?â
âWell, yeah⊠it made me cry.â
As I received such a vague response from Mishima, I noticed that her eyes were a little red. It really was a movie that made her cry.
âSo it seems.â
My attention reverted from the movie to the fact that she was here.
âWhy are you here? Youâre in the opposite direction from the train station.â
I could tell that Mishima had come to the station to watch a movie, but it felt strange to see her on this road leading away from the station. Even though she was walking in this direction, there wasnât any particular store that she could stop by. It was just a residential area. Mishima responded to my question by scratching her cheek with her index finger.
âI was in the mood for a little walk. Come to think of it, this is the neighborhood where you live, Yoshida-senpai.â
âWhat kind of explanation is that?â
âAnyway, what are you doing out here Yoshida-senpai?â
âOh? YeahâŠâ
I couldnât tell her that Gotou-san was at my house.
I came to buy some ingredients for breakfast, but I couldnât help but notice the way Sayu was acting when she asked me. I got the feeling that she was trying to get rid of me or something. However, it was hard to imagine that Sayu would actively want to be alone with Gotou-san, and also there is a possibility that Iâm reading too much into it.
âIâm going to buy some ingredients for breakfast.â
âYoshida-senpai makes his own breakfast huh? Thatâs a little unexpected.â
âI donât make it, Sayu does.â
When I answered, Mishimaâs body shook. She then looked at me with a slightly puzzled expression.
âHuh? Sayu-chanâs at your home right now?â
âWhat? Of course, she is. She has no other place to stay, soâŠâ
ââŠOh, right.â
Mishima answered me briefly, with an ambiguous implication.
âCan I go with you?â
âI donât mind, but do you even like going shopping?â
âIâm curious to know what Yoshida-senpai eats.â
âFor real?â
Showing a firm smile, Mishima followed me as if it were expected. Mishima, with a tight smile on her face, nodded at me as she should have. Even when I was buying nira, eggs, and miso at the grocery store, Mishima would ask me questions about this and that.
âItâs for Niratama2 right?â
âYeah, I think so.â
âDo you often prepare Niratama?â
âNo, I donât think it was that often.â
âIf youâre eating nira in the morning, your mouthâs going to smell a little bad.â
âThatâs to be expected, so Iâll brush my teeth before I leave.â
When I said that, Mishima laughed. Then she pointed to the basket that Iâm holding.
âActually, would that be enough?â
âFor what?â
âThere are only four eggs in there.â
âThatâs right⊠they have a discount and since itâs only for two people, I donât have to buy many.â
With that said, I remembered that I seemed to have run out of beer. I took some beer cans that were piled up from the liquor section, and they were suddenly seized by Mishima.
âHey, whatâs going on?!â
âLet me ask you something.â
âHuh?â
I glared at Mishima as disapproval for confiscating my beer, but I was so surprised by the seriousness of her face that it made me lose my annoyance. Mishima looked me in the eye and spoke.
âIf I ask you to let me stay at your place tonight, would you let me?â
For a moment my mouth was open, but what she said was so out of the blue that it made me sigh deeply.
âWhat the hell are you talking about?â
âExactly what I mean.â
âWhy should I let a woman whoâs not my lover stay over for the night?â
âBut Sayu-chan isnât your lover.â
âI told you, Iâm just trying to protect her.â
âThen, what about Gotou-san?â
I was speechless. Mishima frowned a little and spoke again.
âHowâs Gotou-san?â
âWhat does Gotou-san have to do with this?â
Mishima frowned in a way that was neither angry nor sad and then lashed out at me.
âWhy would you deceive me like that?â
âWhat are you talking about?â
âYou are! Gotou-sanâs at your place right now!â
I blinked my eyes when Mishima said that with a strong tone.
âHey, how do you know thatâŠâ
Mishima choked on my words, then dropped her gaze to the floor.
âI voluntarily worked overtime today, which is rare for me. I was hoping that you might praise me for that tomorrow, Yoshida-senpai.â
Mishima made no eye contact with me but continued to speak slowly.
âWhen I left the office after working on one program, I saw you and Gotou-san coming out of a yakiniku place in front of the station. It made me curious. I was wondering which station you were getting off at and itâs actually the station closest to your home.â
Mishima said that and then glanced at me.
âUm⊠sorry for following you. I deeply apologize.â
âAh, it doesnât matter, wellâŠâ
Only vague words came out. Instead of anger, what I felt was more like an annoyance.
âThen, on impulse, I got off at the station too. When I followed you and saw you walking towards your residential area, thatâs when I realized, âOh, theyâre going homeâŠâ Somehow⊠I felt so helpless⊠So I went to the movie theater and watched the movie I wanted to see, but I just couldnât wrap my mind around what had happened.â
âH-heyâŠâ
Mishima began to tear up more and more as she continued to speak, and I was just confused. Mishima didnât seem to want to cry at all, so she put some effort into her eyebrows and made a show of trying to hold back her tears. After a short pause, she continued.
âI couldnât just go home thatâs why I was wandering around aimlessly when suddenly, I bumped into you⊠So I thought of asking you about your relationship with Gotou-san.â
âHey, youâŠâ
âBut youâre so bent on trying to hide the fact that it made me furiousâŠâ
Mishima stopped talking, and with the nasal drip running from her nose, she put the beers she had seized back into the basket.
âLetâs finish shopping and then leave.â
âOh, yeah⊠Thatâs what Iâve been thinking all along.â
âDonât sweat the details.â
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Mishima as she walked hurriedly towards the cash register. I added a few more cans of beer and then went after her.
*
I was standing in a small space in front of the supermarket with a plastic bag, which was heavier than I expected, and Mishima, who was slightly unhappy and sucking on a pack of soy milk. A few moments had passed since we had finished shopping and walked out, but Mishima remained silent.
I had no idea why this was happening, but itâs not a situation where I can just say âWell, Iâm going home,â and I was just standing there without a place to go.
âSo thatâs how it is.â
Mishima spoke suddenly.
âI was so sure that Sayu-chan wasnât home, thatâs why I thought youâd taken the opportunity to bring Gotou-san home.â
âThatâs impossible since there isnât a moment when Sayu isnât home.â
âThough I donât really know why, in any case, thatâs what occurred to me.â
Mishima said and once again sipped her pack of soy milk. After gulping it down, she looked at me sideways.
âYou know, did you really think I would invite the woman I like over when thereâs a high school girl home?â
âWell, thatâsâŠâ
âSo, that means Sayu-chan and Gotou-san are keeping each other company right now?â
âYeah, thatâs right.â
âI donât really get itâŠâ
Mishima muttered, then shook the pack of soy milk she had in her hand. Apparently, she had already drunk it all.
âJust to confirm, you still like Gotou-san, right?
âHuh? Oh, thatâsâŠâ
Mishima suddenly asked me that question, and I was confused and stammered. There was no point in trying to hint at what she already knew.
âWell, I mean⊠I canât just give up that easily.â
I refrained from saying anything to Mishima because I didnât think it was necessary at this point to tell her that our feelings were mutual.
âIf thatâs the case, what youâre doing isnât right, Yoshida-senpai.â
âWhyâs that?â
I bowed my head to Mishimaâs words. When she saw me, Mishima frowned and shrugged her shoulders.
âI donât know the exact details, but usually, when you bring the woman you like home, you wouldnât just leave a high school girl thatâs been staying with you alone with her.â
âNo, thatâsâŠâ
Before I could explain that it was Gotou-san who wanted to meet with her, Mishima continued talking.
âIf youâve really fallen in love with the woman youâve always liked, then isnât love powerful enough to make you ignore everything else? The woman youâve been in love with for a long time is at your home. The presence of a high school girl will hinder your chance to advance the relationship in many ways.â
âThatâs probably true, but that doesnât mean Iâm going to kick her out.â
When I said that, Mishima shook her head.
âNormally⊠youâd kick her out.â
The words were uttered in a chilling tone that I had never heard from her before.
âA high school girl with unknown origins or the woman youâve fallen for? You donât even have to think about whoâs more important.â
âHold onâŠâ
I said that, trying to cut off Mishima. She glared at me with frustration evident on her face.
âWhat exactly are you trying to say? Why are you bad-mouthing Sayu all of a sudden?â
âItâs not like Iâm trying to speak badly of Sayu-chan. Sheâs a good girl.â
âBut you said something about how it would be better to get rid of her!â
âI didnât say you should get rid of her!â
Mishima shook her head and looked me in the eye.
âIn the end, what are your priorities, Yoshida-senpai?â
âPriorities?â
When I tilted my head, Mishima sighed and nodded.
âThatâs right. Thereâs Gotou-san, who youâve always thought of, then thereâs Sayu-chan, who you brought home a while back. And as the situation stands, Gotou-sanâs coming over to your home.â
âRight, and?â
âIf I really wanted to develop a romantic relationship with Gotou-san, Iâd do my absolute best to keep Sayu-chanâs existence a secret from her. âI want to go out with you, but Iâm staying together with a high school girl who isnât family.â That just sounds completely ridiculous, donât you think?â
âLook, as I was sayingââ
As expected, I couldnât keep quiet and interrupted her.
âThat doesnât mean I can simply get rid of Sayu. If I did, it would mean that I have kicked her out if I started dating Gotou-san, wouldnât it?â
âExactly!!!â
Mishima suddenly screamed and stomped the ground with her shoes. It was the first time I had ever heard her raise her voice like that, so I was a little taken aback. Mishima quickly opened her mouth and bowed her head, as if she had just realized something.
âIâm sorryâŠâ
âItâs fineâŠâ
Mishima lowered her gaze to the ground, then continued speaking.
âIâm just⊠Iâm saying that would be the normal thing to do.â
âSo thatâs what youâre saying.â
âItâs about deciding whether to throw Sayu out or not. If you really like Gotou-san, then you should make it your priority to date her.â
ââŠBut.â
âNo, I understand. I really do.â
Mishima looked back at me and then smiled. It was obviously a forced smile and I could feel the pain behind it.
âYoshida-senpai, I know that youâre not the type of person capable of doing that. But⊠at the same time, I canât help thinkingâŠâ
Mishima paused for a moment, sighed deeply, and then continued.
âThatâs no longer something you can call love, right?â
âHuh?â
âItâs about your feelings for Gotou-san. I think you might be confusing pure admiration with feelings of love.â
âNo, thatâs notââ
âAnd that perhapsâŠâ
Mishima interrupted me and then looked at me sideways.
âYour feelings for Sayu-chan are turning into love.â
âAbsolutely not.â
Our glances met. Mishimaâs eyes seemed to be filled with some kind of unstable emotional turmoil.
âIs that so?â
We remained still for a few seconds, then Mishima looked away.
âIf thatâs the case, youâre too nice of a person, Yoshida-senpai.â
Mishima scratched her head.
âIf youâre too nice, you wonât be able to get what you really want.â
Mishima continued to throw out her opinions.
ââŠSayu-chan wonât be staying at your place forever, you know?â
I wanted to say something back, but I couldnât think of anything at all. As I was speechless, Mishima looked up and clumsily put on a smiling face.
âIâve been such a bad girl today!â
âNo, not really.â
âIâm sorry! If I stay with you any longer, Iâm afraid Iâll say something unnecessary, so Iâm going to leave now.â
âO-oh⊠I see. Iâll walk you to the station.â
âNo, thanks! Go home as quickly as possible, Yoshida-senpai. Iâm sure theyâre both waiting for you.â
âYouâre the one who held me back.â
âHehe.â
Being quick to make light of these things, somehow it made me feel like I was a little child.
âWell then, thank you for your time!â
âOh⊠yeah.â
Mishima turned on her heels and walked quickly to the station. As I watched her walk away, I thought of Mishimaâs smile from a few minutes ago. It was an awkward, fake smile that seemed to be masking her true feelings. Compared to that, the smile that Sayu had put on when she first came to my place was better.
Mishima had a tremendous amount of enthusiasm and was probably trying to tell me something that I donât yet understand. Though, I think I still have not accurately grasped whatever that was. I sighed and started to walk back home.
Itâs about your feelings for Gotou-san. I think you might be confusing pure admiration with feelings of love.
Mishimaâs words resonated in my head. That canât be true. I think itâs safe to say that Iâm still in love with Gotou-san. There was no one else who could make my heart beat so fast, and no one else who had any great meaning to me.
And then.
Your feelings for Sayu-chan are turning into love.
Thatâs the one thing thatâs never going to happen. I just want to protect her from the unreasonable conditions she has been subjected to. I wanted to help her get back on the right track. I donât have the slightest desire to do anything with Sayu as a woman. However, Mishimaâs words made me realize something.
I simply wanted to offer Sayu a refuge until she comes to terms with her past and her feelings about it. However, exactly how long would that take? A month? Maybe half a year? It could be a year from now or several years for that matter. Or, maybe itâll be tomorrow. When I thought about it, I was stunned. I couldnât imagine my life without Sayu anymore.
âThatâs strangeâŠâ
I placed my hand over my mouth. Mishima was right. Perhaps it would be difficult to have a relationship with Gotou-san while Sayu is at home.
When I told Gotou-san about Sayu, she told me, âI canât comprehend it. You said you liked me, didnât you? But while you say that, you also said that youâre living with a girl I know nothing of, and that sickens me.â Even if she could come to terms with that, as long as Sayu is around, I would never be able to invite Gotou-san home and do things that lovers typically do.
If thatâs the case, when is the time that I will be able to be with Gotou-san? And where would Sayu be? What would she be doing by then? When I thought about those two things, my mind went blank. Nothing comes to mind.
ââŠThis is troubling.â
I found myself overwhelmed by it. And without any progress in my thoughts, I arrived at home.
I stood in front of the door and took a deep breath. On the other side of this door are Sayu and Gotou-san. I knew I couldnât just walk in with a somewhat hazy expression on my face.
With one hand, I gave myself a slight slap on the cheek and said âAlright!â to motivate myself. I inserted the key and turned it. I felt strangely nervous, even though I was only going home.
Note:
[1] A movie based on a 1962 Japanese novel of the same name. Thereâs not much information about it.