He exuded a kind atmosphere. He had a handsome face, objectively speaking, but it wasnât my type.
Iâve already forgotten his name.
âItâs fine.â
I tried my best to show him a relaxed smile.
He nodded at my response, touched my body, and then connected us.
âDoes it feel good?â
He asked.
âMhm.â
I nodded.
To be honest, it was painful.
But pain was good.
âMisakiâŚ-â
He called my name.
That wasnât my actual name, but my current name.
âIt feels good.â
I said with a cutesy voice as if that were true.
I know that thatâs all it would take to satisfy him.
Does it feel good? Does it feel bad? I canât tell.
All I could feel was a slight throbbing in my stomach and a numbness around the entrance.
Those two sensations gave me a sense of relief.
At least I have a body.
I thought.
When I woke up, the room was already dark.
âHuhâŚâ
I hurriedly got up and looked at the clock. It was already 9pm.
My mind went blank seeing that. At this time, unless I prepared everything beforehand, I wouldnât finish making dinner before Yoshida-san got back.
Ever since Yoshida-san assigned me to do the âhousehold choresâ, Iâve always prepared the food and bath before he returned from work. Iâve always thought of it as my duty.
I was about to send a message to Yoshida-san to tell him that dinner would be late when I noticed a notification on the smartphone that he had bought me.
It was from him.
âIâll be watching a movie with a colleague at the cinema of the nearest station, so Iâll be late. Have dinner without me.â
I was overcome with relief upon seeing that message.
ââŚThank god.â
That didnât mean it was acceptable for me to sleep at such a weird time, but at least I didnât bother Yoshida-san in the process.
Calming my nerves, I noticed that my skin was moist from cold sweat.
As the chilling sensation traversed through my body, I remembered the contents of the dream I awoke from a moment ago. Goosebumps immediately leaped from the surface of my skin.
I hadnât had such a vivid recollection of those times since Iâve come to this home; I immediately understood why that was the case.
Yoshida-sanâs mysterious kindness had given my heart a moment of reprieve. I was deeply aware of this.
Despite that, that the path to which I arrived here wonât disappear. That was reality.
âYoshida-san.â
My thoughts spilled from my mind.
That was when I came to the realisation that I was an incredibly foolish human being.
I should have resolved myself for this from the moment I stayed at the first strangerâs house. In exchange for running away from home, I would live out my life like this.
To escape from what was true hardship, I had to be prepared for another kind of hardship.
Immediately, I had become numb â as intended.
Though, to be honest, I think I really did feel it. Even if I felt uneasy about what I was doing, even if I felt repulsed about what I was doing, I just let it be and continued on my way.
And then, I met Yoshida-san.
He denied everything that I had become, yet accepted me as I was. He had made me feel troubled, confused, moved, and this time, he made me feel uneasy.
He thought that I was selfish, weak, foolish.
Yoshida-san was truly kind; moreso than any of the people Iâd met thus far.
Although he was one to assess others strictly, it was only out of worry. As much as he acted as though he prioritised himself, he would always keep an eye out for others.
For someone like him to show me kindness, it must be out of pity.
It was strange.
Ever since I ran away⌠Ever since I ran away from the fate that I had been bound to, I had only ever concerned myself with âhow much time I had left until I was going to be thrown awayâ.
How many more months, weeks, or â more often â days would it be? This question was always on my mind.
But it was different now.
I think that some part of me doesnât want to be thrown away by him.
Rather, maybe that same part of wants him to like me.
Itâs not that I want him to love me. I want to support his romantic pursuits, and I want him to be happy.
Even so, I want to have a place as âsomebodyâ he likes. That would be my wish.
That was why⌠his kindness had become my greatest fear.
If even he would throw me away, then how am I supposed to find any value in myself?
I still havenât figured out what his requirement for not hating me is.
What does he want from me? Have I fulfilled what he requires from me?
The more I think about it, the more uneasy I get.
âIâll be watching a movie with a colleague at the cinema of the nearest stationâ.
Looking down from the phone, I deeply pondered the meaning behind this message that Yoshida-san had sent me.
By colleague, did he mean girl? Since Yoshida didnât say superior instead, it probably wasnât the Gotou-san who he was in love with.
However, Yoshida-san definitely wasnât the type to take the initiative to play after work. Not to mention, he had gone to the movies.
As for who invited him, I had a gut feeling that it was probably a girl.
Was it the girl who invited him to go drinking the other day?
Yoshida-san liked Gotou-san, but what about that girl? Did he perhaps like her too? If so, what were they planning on doing after the movie?
These thoughts seemed to go on forever. Even though it should have nothing to do with me, I couldnât help but get more and more anxious and time went on.
I peeked at the clock again. It was already past 9:30pm.
The message from Yoshida-san was received at around 7pm.
âThe movie⌠should be ending soon.â
Usually, I donât think I wouldâve even considered doing such a thing.
Yet, knowing full well how stupid this was, I couldnât contain myself.
Still wearing my indoor clothes, I put on socks, slipped on my loafers, and ran out the door of Yoshida-sanâs home.
Iâll wait outside the cinema, take a look at Yoshida-san and the person whoâs with him, and then go home. Thatâs all I plan on doing.
It would only be logical for me to be unable to find him. Since I donât know what movie he was watching, Iâd have to run into him by coincidence when he was leaving the cinema. Moreover, there would be a mass of people in the area in front of the station.
Finding him from such a crowd didnât feel realistic at all.
Or at least it shouldâve been.
Should I consider myself lucky or unlucky? The moment I arrived in front of the cinema, I spotted Yoshida-san.
Him, and the lovely suit-wearing girl who held him in a tight hug.
As if my body had turned into stone, I couldnât move a muscle.
Yoshida-san showed an expression I havenât seen before. He looked flustered, troubled, embarrassed.
The scene reminded me of the day that Yoshida-san had gone to the drinking get-together with Gotou-san. Back then, when I gave him a hug on hopes of encouraging him, he had showed a slightly troubled smile and patting my shoulder, saying âthatâs enoughâ.
I was forced to realize it.
Yoshida-san really didnât think of me as a woman in the slightest.
That, and that the same could not be said for the girl who currently held Yoshida-san tightly in her arms.
I could tell from his expression alone.
âThatâs alright, I guess.â
I murmured in a voice unheard to anyone but myself.
âThis isnât something that I should be worried about.â
Finally, my body began to move again. I turned away from the station and began walking away.
Go back. Go back, donât show anything, and greet him as though nothing had happened.
Apologize for not having prepared dinner and ask him to take a bath first.
One step, two steps. Then, I came to a halt.
Everything in my vision had become faded and blurry.
âHuhâŚâŚ?â
The trickling sensation rolling down my face told me everything. I was crying.
âWhy?â
Noticing that the passersbys began casting their puzzled gazes towards me, I flusteredly fled the scene.
I wiped my eyes with the sleeves of my sweater, but tears kept gushing forth uncontrollably.
My mind flashed back to image of Yoshida-san being hugged by the unknown girl.
âWhy⌠WhyâŚ?â
Why do I hate it so so much?
When that question surfaced from my heart, I finally noticed the feelings that had sprouted inside me.
ââŚHaha, it canât be.â
Even though my eyes continued to flood with tears, a dry smile leaked onto my lips.
Iâm⌠jealous.
Towards a girl I knew nothing of.
Towards the girl who drew forth expressions from Yoshida-san that I hadnât seen before.
Shameless as it may be, I had to admit it â I wanted to monopolize Yoshida-san.
â⌠Iâm just so, so-â
The pain seemed to rend my chest apart.
It was a boundless, incorrigible pain.
âFoolish⌠arenât I?â
Before I knew it, the thudding of my feet against the pavement had been woven between the cries of my sobbing.
If I continued to stay there, I would only be a burden to his happiness.
I canât go back, I canât go back.
Itâs just that⌠I have nowhere else to go.
So I aimlessly ran off into the night, gushing and huffing, like the fool that I was.
ďź
After separating from Yoshida-senpai and passing through the toll gates, I came to a halt on the stairs heading towards platform.
âGoing home like this⌠makes me feel a little peeved.â
The very thought of the expression that he bore when he saw me off made me feel a little annoyed. He had looked as though he were a parent sending his child off to kindergarten.
As exhilarating as it was to have made his heart jump before leaving, it was apparent from his attitude today that â despite him viewing me as a woman â he didnât think of me as a potential romance at all.
I understood that, but I still couldnât help but feel a little disheartened.
And that was probably why I felt a strong urge to stick around. âAs if I would go home having done so little!?â the thought refused to subside.
That being said though, itâs not like I felt an urge to chase after Yoshida-senpai. To start with, given the way he looked when he sent me off, he probably headed straight home without loitering around. Even if I were to go after him now, I hadnât the slightest clue which direction he headed off to.
With that, I figured that I may as well take a stroll in the area around the station closest to Yoshida-senpaiâs home.
To quickly turn my thoughts into action was one of my few strengths.
I exited the paid area and looked around the plaza in front of the station.
The station was bigger than I had expected. It had its own cinema, restaurants, and a department store to boot. Though, amusingly, I couldnât imagine him frequenting any of these facilities.
My memoryâs a little fuzzy, but I think I remember hearing that he lived over 10 minutes away from the station.
âAlright, letâs go this way then.â
Spotting a less busy and somewhat dimly lit avenue, so I figured that I may as well go that way.
Itâs not that I hated the crowdedness of the station, but I liked the peculiar atmosphere that was found only in these open, quiet places.
He may have walked down this road before, or he may have not. Regardless, there was a mysterious vibe to walking through this place.
âWell, despite thatâŚâ
I mumbled to myself in a particularly deserted part of the road.
Despite that-
I never imagined that I would be so gripped by romance.
I always loved movies, love stories even more so, but as I viewer, I couldnât help but think that such plots and settings were far departed from my life. I enjoyed such stories as an onlooker and nothing more.
Men in reality always seemed disheartening by comparison, either lackluster or self-centered. Perhaps it was because I thought I would never meet a wonderful man like those that always appeared in such stories.
To be completely honest, the reason I had my current job was almost certainly because I had an appearance that was âpopular with older menâ.
During the interview, the only person that attempted to pry out my true nature was Gotou-san. Had she had a larger role in my employment, I wouldnât have been hired in the first place.
So, I joined the company due to the acceptance of older men, and soon became a subject of their fawning.
Immediately after that, I noticed that in such a workplace, it would be easier to get by slacking off when I could rather than working my butt off. I just had to pretend I didnât know what to do, then after getting an incomprehensible explanation from one of the older men, I would show a bit off progress and say âit was all thanks to you senpai!â with a smile on top. I would receive the least amount of stress while outputting the least amount of work. And so, I planned to keep this half-heartedness up until I had enough money saved up.
It was then that I was assigned to Yoshida-senpaiâs project.
He really had a way of actually taking care of someone, as in, he wouldnât accept âbeing unableâ as the way I was, nor would he feel a sense of superiority over a junior that could do her job. Rather, he would assess me strictly and unsparingly.
For the first time since entering this company, someone seemed to have seen me for what I was actually capable of. Although it was a blunder on my part, I couldnât help but feel a little joyful.
Despite that, I further polished my act and continued playing to role of the âincapableâ. Just how far would I press for him to crack? And so, with a mix of anticipation and uneasiness, I continued to poke at his shell like a child. Even so, he didnât crack at all.
By the time I realized it, I had begun following him with my eyes during work. From there, it wasnât hard to figure out that he had a crush on Gotou-san.
âI see I see, heâs working hard to impress this girlâ, so I had thought, but after a while, it didnât seem to be the case. Even when she was out on assignments to affiliate companies, he was working the same as ever, if not even harder than when she was present. Though his neighbor Hashimoto-senpai would complain and grumble about it, he would continue to distribute workload to his project members. It seemed that he had always held a serious demeanor and a strong sense of responsibility.
I soon came to understand that I wasnât the only one he was kind to either.
I felt that, carrying that sentiment, my feelings for him had at some time twisted into love.
âOh?â
The path branched from here. Downhill led to an even darker area, while going up the stairs felt as though it would lead to a somewhat spacious area.
Feeling as though the path was dark enough as it is, I decided to head up the stairs. I preferred the sensation of going upstairs to the downhill slope anyway. The conscious sense of going one stair at a time was somewhat enjoyable.
The street lights became more frequent as I went, making it a much brighter area than the last. Reaching the end of the staircase, I encountered a neat little park.
âOooh, thereâs a nice feeling to this place.â
Looking around, there was an area lined with several benches.
âIt seems like the sort of place where kids can play on the lawn while the parents chat around.â
It was located directly next to an apartment building, so it mustâve been the residential districtâs park.
That being said, a park with a lawn was quite to my taste. The place around where I lived was a little garish by comparison, so it wasnât the sort of place where there would be such a park.
Taking in my surroundings, I walked towards the bench and took a seat.
On the concrete area a short distance away, it looked like a young boy was practicing on his skateboard. There didnât seem to be anyone other than him around.
Having few people around was calming; it seemed like the perfect time to absentmindedly think about something.
As long as I made it back to the station before the last train, it felt as though I could stay here as long as I wanted. The lingering thoughts of my mini-date with senpai seemed to come flooding back.
Though, I was starting to feel a little hungry.
Now that I think about it, we came to the cinema without grabbing anything to eat first.
âI think I brought something earlierâŚâ
I put my bag down beside me and started fishing in my bag for a few snacks I vaguely remember bringing along that might fill me up a little. While I was distracted doing that, I felt that there was something beside me that I didnât see earlier.
âWaahâ
I let out an inane shout as I stood to attention.
Behind the bench next to me was a person sitting on the floor with their arms wrapped around their knees.
âT-⌠That scared me.â
Judging by her long hair, it seemed to be a girl. Her body was wrapped in a rough looking sweater.
At my shout, she solemnly raised her head. Too young. It was clear that she was still a minor. Turning my eyes towards her feet, she wore a pair of loafers. As I first thought, she was something akin to a high-school girl.
We looked blankly at one another for a few seconds, before she hung her mouth and uttered.
âAh⌠youâre the person fromâ
âHm?â
âNo, itâsâŚâ
The girl shook her head and shut her mouth.
âYouâre a high schooler, arenât you? What are you doing out so late? If youâre out after 10 oâclock youâre going to be sent to the guidance counselor later you know?â
Hearing what I said, the girl showed a grim expression and turned her gaze towards the ground.
âI just donât know⌠where to go back to.â
From that alone, I gained a rough understanding of her situation..
I see, so she ran away.
Itâs a different story for a university student, but it would be rough for a high-schooler to do the same. For people who looked particularly young, a bit of bad luck would soon turn to finding themselves on the receiving end of guidance if they were to use the metro and the like. For people who wanted to avoid that, they had no choice but to wander aimlessly nearby.
ââŚWell, that wouldnât happen if they were with their guardian.â
I uttered before I noticed.
There were times where one wanted to run away from home and indulge in doing what they never couldâve before, I understood that feeling.
As the girl gazed blankly at me, sat down on the bench once again and told her.
âLook, Iâll be here until the last train is about to leave, so take your time and think about whatever you need to think about, okay?â
Hearing what I said, the girlâs eyes seemed to grow wet, and she tightly bit her lower lip.
ââŚThank you very much.â
âItâs nothing, really.â
Kids with manners were often good kids.
With such an antiquated thought, I began fishing through my bag once again. My hunger only got worse as time passed.
After a bit of mixing around the contents of my bag, I finally found what I was looking for. It was the packs of rice bran crackers that I kept on me for times like these.
As I opened the packet of crackers-
Grrruuuuu
My stomach rang out.
Looking at the bench beside me, the girlâs face was still buried in her knees, not moving in the slightest. Though, the little of what I could see of her ears had turned a little red.
âHeh-â
I chuckled to myself, and offered one of my two packs of crackers to the girl.
âWanna eat?â
The girl raised her head. Though she briefly showed a worried expression as her gaze scrawled across the floor, after a long deliberation, she nodded.
âAlright then, take it. Whatâs your name?â
âThank you very much⌠My name is⌠Aka-âŚâ
The girl stopped. Only after a long breath did her expression slacken a little.
âMy name is Sayu.â
âSayu-chan. I see~, thatâs a nice name, call me Yuzuha.â
It was probably a fake name. She had probably intended to give her actual name, but stopped in the middle.
She was cleverer than I expected, though, I like talking to clever kids.
I had meant to enjoy this time alone, but it was nice to enjoy these unexpected meetings too.
Taking a bite from a cracker, I thought of a topic to chat about.