College break was long. Before I knew it, summer had ended and winter was coming up quickly.
The streets were lined with bare trees with fallen leaves decorating the sidewalks. It made crunchy noises whenever you stepped on them.
It was the first winter after I graduated from high school and became a freshman in the university. Looking back, my daily life was peaceful.
My social life was good and stable. Back in middle and high school, school was the only real place I could go to and even then, the teachers were monitoring the place closely. Compared to that, the real world was colder and more indifferent.
New Year came, another cycle of seasons repeated again this year.
When I was younger, I used to imagine that the world the adults around me lived in was like a completely different world. If I stepped in that world, it would feel like I stepped into a foreign country with a whole different language and culture. The old photos at my momās house were the only way for me to tell that Iāve grown up ever since then. Deep inside, I still felt like a kid. Maybe I stopped growing mentally when I reached middle school.
āYouād probably be surprised.ā
Iāve lost count on how many times I came to visit you.
āLast winter was fun. It was my first winter living by myself so I was a little nervous about it, but I could invite my friends over for dinner. Living by myself isnāt as scary as I had thought. I can do everything I want as long as I feel like it.ā
I flipped through my diary and opened the spring entries.
āI became a second year last spring. Yeah, Iām already a second year. I know, right? Iām surprised too. Iām doing well in the university, I havenāt failed a class yet. Oh yeah, do you remember Makoto? I heard he broke up with Ruka. I donāt know the details, we havenāt been able to meet because he has been busy. You should ask him yourself when youāre awake, okay?
I turned the diary page over. There werenāt many interesting things happening, at most, it only happened once a month or so. Unlike other people my age, my daily life was monotonous. I bet if those people were to keep a diary like me, they would have a more exciting one.
I told him about my daily life without missing anything. I knew he couldnāt hear me. But Iāve heard somewhere that there were cases where coma patients were actually conscious. They could hear you well, they just couldnāt move their bodies. I imagined him living in that kind of hell and instinctively gripped his hand tightly.
Eventually, I reached the last page of my diary. From there onwards, the remaining pages were blank pages that would eventually be written by me in the future.
āIām already an adult now. Just a while ago, I turned 20 ahead of you. Time doesnāt stand still even when youāre asleep, so youāre already 20 tooā¦ Weāre slowly turning into the elderly.ā
The curtains swayed slowly as a slight cold breeze blew through the window. That time of the year was approaching again, huh? I turned my gaze to his closed eyes.
āItās been two years since you started sleeping like this. Iāve been waiting for you since that day. Iām a university student now. Iām already twenty years old now. Ugin-san has already taken her entrance examā¦ Two years have passed, but you still havenāt woken up and I still havenāt remembered anything about youā¦ Yet, I miss you so muchā¦ If God really does exist, he is quite terrible, isnāt he?ā
I looked at my watch. 17:00.
I let go of his hand and slung my bag over my shoulder.
āI have to go now. See you soon.ā
When I put my hand on the door, suddenly my whole body stiffened.
17:05
I was in the library. I felt really sick that day. My skirt was torned by someone. I hated everything around me except for books. On that day, I was looking for an interesting book. I brushed the dust off the books with my fingers.
17:05
At that time, you suddenly appeared. You spoke to me about curing my venomous tongue.
After school. In the Rose Garden. I swung a tennis racket on the tennis court. I enjoyed that time. We went to the art club. The art club members painted me earnestly. I remember the cocoa you gave me back then. It was at that moment I realized that you were a genuinely good person.
17:05
We went to the cultural festival and it was fun. You complimented the dress I was wearing in the fashion show and that made me feel happy. I acted like I didnāt want you to see me, but in truth, I wanted you to look at me. I put a lot of effort into wearing that dress, after all.
We followed Makoto and Rukaās date at the aquarium. That was my first date. I wanted to do it with you more.
17:05
You were distraught when Shirona confessed her feelings to you. Then, you told me that you liked me. We had a New Yearās party with everyone. It was wonderful. I hoped that the next year would be as wonderful as the party. Then, New Year came and I went to your house. I was really nervous. It was true that the house of someone you love felt like a sacred place.
17:05
I worked hard to make chocolate for you. It was hard for me to tell you about my feelings at that time, so I made up an excuse so I could give it to you properly. I regretted it. I shouldāve told you how I felt at that time. Back then, if you confessed to me like the other boys did, I would definitely have accepted that confession. Weād become a couple after that.
We were younger back then. That was the moment when I forgot about you.
I was glued to the watch mom gave me. My tears started to fall on the watch. I turned around and immediately ran to Suiās side.
āI remember! Finallyā¦ I remember everything about youā¦ā
Now, I only need you to wake up.
Now that I remember everything, hurry up and come back to me, please.
I let go of his hand again and said another goodbye to him.
* Ā * Ā *
Today was a wonderful day.
Walking through the Sendai Station brought back my memories of walking with him. I remember the time when I was waiting for the traffic light with him. When I was walking on the sidewalk with him. The coffee shop I went to together with him. Memories of all the places I spent with him flooded my brain. But the most important thing isā¦
The fact that after all that, I still loved you.
I was worried that I would become a different person if I remembered everything about you, but my feelings remained unchanged.
That should be all for todayās diary.
Iāll continue writing this diary until the day I die.