CH 16

Thus, I told him everything.

About Chako, and also about the others.

Even though I decided not to choose anything or get involved with anyone, I easily told him.

Pathetic.

The weak me is pathetic.

Still, it’s enough.

Enough already.

I wanted to speak calmly but tears come out as I speak.

I’m not sure if it’s out of sadness or vexation.

The director listened to the emotional me, whose words had become incoherent.

Then, he brings together the hands that he crossed in front of his body, closes his eyes and breathes out slowly.

As if they are trying to endure something, his brows knit tightly while those light blue eyes stare at me.

“I… don’t think turning back time is bad.”

The kind voice sinks into my heart.

… Aah. The director is a kind person.

He’s trying to acknowledge such a pathetic and weak me.

But he’s wrong.

He’s wrong.

I’m.

I am――

“No, it was bad to turn back time. This power, didn’t exist to be used in that way… It’s just as Chako said. ――It’s just as Chako said at the beginning.”

”True End,” Chako said as she laughed.

『The Legitimate Ending』.

That’s right.

It should’ve been that way.

“I should’ve revived Kousuke-kun and ended things there.”

In the 1st round.

If, back then.

I had revived Kousuke-kun just like Chako said.

“The more I redo, the more… I become an awful woman.”

Things could have ended without me becoming a pathetic and awful woman.

The tears I temporarily put a dam on, overflow without end.

I no longer feel like stopping them.

“Out of selfishness and calculations, I approached Tomotaka-senpai and raised a transaction to exchange Chako with me…”

I was the worst.

I knew Tomotaka-senpai was in pain.

The warped senpai. I used him.

And, once Chako disappeared, I immediately turned back time.

Pretending not to notice the one in pain.

“Even though I knew Kousuke-kun and Tomotaka-senpai were troubled, I ignored that and approached Kuo-sensei. In order to make him like Chako, I instigated Chako a number of times.”

I used a person’s feelings of love.

“Knowing that Kuo-sensei wanted to leave behind something, I used that and made him save Chako.”

It didn’t matter whether or not sensei and Chako turned out well.

I only wanted『The Strongest Phantom In This World』’s help.

However, it didn’t work.

I turned back time again

“I had Yuusei-kun make me strong and encourage me. Even though I was only pulled along by Yuusei-kun’s strength, I grew conceited that I, myself, became strong. I neglected Chako’s suffering…”

Using『The Peerless Onmyouji』, I had hopes that I could save her.

That if it’s me, if I became strong, I could save Chako.

“Finally, I thought I could save her, but Chako wouldn’t take my hand… I know, Chako can’t live with such a me… with an awful woman like me.”

Chako said it’s fine already.

That it’s fine already.

I know. An awful woman like me is unsuitable for Chako.

I can’t stay beside Chako, can I.

“That’s why, I don’t want to work hard anymore…”

That’s right.

I didn’t want to work hard.

I didn’t want to be an awful woman anymore.

“I stopped attending school, and stopped getting involved with others… once I do that, it caused troubles for Father and Mother… I don’t know what I’m doing anymore…”

Shutting myself in the house, treating Chako coldly.

Causing my parents so much worry.

Despite that, I don’t know what I’m doing.

What am I doing?

What do I want to do?

“I’m so pathetic, and so awful…”

Once I thought that, a thought entered my head willy-nilly.

“That I became like this all because I met Chako… I should’ve ignored Chako and only thought about my own happiness.”

The me who thought like that.

Was the most awful.

“I hate Chako.”

Tormenting and tormenting me, then disappearing at the end.

“I hate Chako the most.”

Even though I wasn’t satisfied at all, she got satisfied on her own and disappeared with a smile.

“I don’t want to work hard anymore. No more.”

Her face as she laughs “Ehehe.”

Her playful statements that it’s fun to be with Yui-chan.

Her eyes that narrow happily when I call her Chako.

Everything.

Everything.

“――Even then, I couldn’t give up.”

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Please make me give up.

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Please get angry at me.

Please, tell me to give up already.

If you do, I’ll surely give up.

Even though I’m greedy and bad at giving up, I can give everything up if this person gets angry at me.

If it’s this person, a child of the Priestess of Ominous Clouds and this school’s director who lived for 200 years.

If this person stops me.

Wanting him to get angry at me.

Wanting him to tell me to give up already, to stop me, I continue to speak.

However, the words that come from the director aren’t any of those.

“I apologise.”

Bitterness runs in his kind voice as he extends an apology.

Not understanding why I’m being apologised to, my brows knit tightly.

“I wanted to remain a bystander.”

At the strange-sounding word, I look at the director with wet eyes.

Despite his visible pain, the director looks at me gently.

“Even though you were suffering, and I was the one and only person who could notice that…”

I’ll say it again, I’m projected in his kind, light blue eyes.

“I, don’t think turning back time is bad. ――However, your heart gets tired with that, doesn’t it?”

Those words resound gently in my heart.

“Not coming true no matter how many times one wishes. You’ve been carrying on like that.”

At the director’s words, I think back to the things I’ve done up till now.

I’ve been stepping on the same time for 4 years already.

Not coming true no matter how many times I wished.

And being rejected by the person in question at the end.

For what reason had I been doing this?

“… No one, remembers me. Even though we had so much fun, and talked so much.”

No matter how close we become, it ends when I turn back time.

The memory of laughing together or the memory of talking face-to-face, they won’t return.

“All the chats I had with Kousuke-kun after class and Tomotaka-senpai’s innocent smile. Kuo-sensei’s warm hand and Yuusei-kun’s sparkling black eyes. ――Even though I know, and remember… However, no one knows about me now.”

Once I speak, feelings that even I didn’t notice, come out in the form of words.

… I see. I was tired

“I… even though it was what I chose but…”

No one asked me to.

I decided on my own, and turned back time.

I knew everyone would forget me.

I knew but…

“Chako messages me sometimes. About the inter-class matches or the midterm tests. That alone connects me with everyone… Messages alone, that I can’t even reply.”

What a thin connection.

“As expected, that, hurts a little.”

My heart tightens excessively when I put it into words.

It hurt to be alone.

It was lonely.

“That no one knew about me… That no one remembered my hard work.”

I speak the words that surface in my heart along with tears.

Although my words are probably nothing but trouble to the director, he listened till the end with those kind eyes.

Then, he envelops me. [1]

“… I know.”

The light blue eyes look at me.

“You’ve been working hard. Right?”

… Un.

I’m, working hard.

I’m working hard.

“Even now… you’ve always, been working hard.”

“… Yes. Yes…”

I’m pathetic.

Even though it was my decision and I did it on my own, I wanted someone to know.

That the me who works hard, exists.

“You may not want to attend school anymore. However, you won’t be able to attend other schools. Because power had been gathered here in order to protect the Priestess of Ominous Clouds.”

“… Yes.”

The director speaks, in consideration of the pathetic me who cried myself out.

“You can’t regain the days you were absent for but, thankfully it’s before the summer break. You can advance as per routine if you take supplementary lessons in summer break.”

The director probably did some thinking in order for me, who’d shut myself in while playing truant, to return to a normal life.

He’s pointing out the road to me, who didn’t even think of advancing.

“It will probably be tough for you to go to class so, you can come here.”

“Here?”

“Yes. It’s just like going to the infirmary. I’ll handle your attendance so you don’t have to worry… It’s fine if you don’t take lessons. You’re probably familiar with them already after all.”

The first semester’s midterm test.

I’ve already memorised the questions and answers.

Ah, but, I’ll be taking a supplementary test so it may be slightly different.

“Once you’re a 2nd-year, I can separate your class from those 3.”

“… Yes.”

“With that, you can probably attend school normally. You can spend your school life in a new class and find new friends.”

… Can I take him up on that?

Is it okay if I’m the only one living a normal school life?

Can I redo from now?

I’m enticed by the director’s words.

“What about everyone?”

Even then, as expected, I’m concerned about this.

Although there’s nothing I can do anymore…

What about Kousuke-kun? What about Tomotaka-senpai? What about Kuo-sensei and Yuusei-kun?

――What about Chako?

Will Chako not disappear?

Perhaps having read my anxiety, the director goes “It will be fine,” with a smile.

That smile is so gentle.

That I want to renounce everything.

“The one you’re concerned about is, Tomonaga Chako… that child, right?”

“Yes…”

“If I stand by you, the strife between phantoms and onmyouji and the infighting in the onmyouji faction probably won’t happen. I’ve been inactive so far but, I can keep a close eye on them… even then, it’s not definite that something unexpected won’t happen. So if she disappeared again and again, it’s better that I pay close attention this time.”

Even if I choose the director.

Is the director truly a neutral party?

However, he has power.

Only, it’s not certain that something won’t happen.

And, with that something as the cause, it’s not definite that Chako won’t disappear.

The director nods slowly, as though to take away my anxiety.

Then, he says something completely out of expectations.

“We just have to let Tomotaka keep a close eye.”

“Let senpai?”

My voice grew loud unconsciously.

Because, senpai is…

It’s not an exaggeration to say the root cause lies with Tomotaka-senpai.

“Yes. Tomotaka seems rather obsessed after all. I’ll make Tomotaka understand his obsession with that child. Then, if I pay attention such that Tomotaka won’t head in a bad direction, I believe Tomotaka will put in effort so that that child doesn’t disappear.”

As though to soothe my bafflement, the director continued to speak.

“But… in the 4th round, senpai made Chako strengthen herself to the point where she lost her ego. Even if it’s fine now, won’t it become something that will torment Chako in the end?”

That’s right.

It may be fine when we’re in high school.

However, as long as Chako’s Tomotaka-senpai’s familiar, isn’t there a chance that her ego will collapse at any time?

Unable to trust in the director’s proposal, I knit my brows.

“Tomotaka may indeed be a little warped. However, I don’t think he’s so hung up over making his power stronger… Perhaps, the effects of turning back time emerged in the other children too.”

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[1] This sounded weird to me even in Japanese. He didn’t hug her or anything. It’s more emotional/verbal.

“The effects of turning back time?”

The director shoots his words while thinking a little.

My eyes widen in shock at those words.

“Yes… In the 1st round, Kousuke didn’t like his weak self and sought power from you, right?”

“Yes.”

The cheerful Kousuke-kun gradually bottled up his feelings.

He then told me he wanted me to make him strong, and I granted him power.

“Had he sought power from you after that?”

“… No.”

That’s right.

After the 1st round, Kousuke-kun did not rely on my power.

Although we were friends in the 2nd round, perhaps thanks to Chako, he’d always been the cheerful Kousuke-kun.

In the 3rd and 4th round, we weren’t friends to begin with so I thought that was the reason but…

“It’s unlikely that he remembers something had happened when he sought for power. However, maybe he had, instinctively, sensed something. That’s what I think.”

“… I wonder.

An effect left on Kousuke-kun because time was turned back.

Is there such a thing?

I don’t know.

However, it’s not definite that there isn’t.

“I’m thinking that perhaps the same thing happened to Tomotaka.”

“To senpai?”

“Yes. Tomotaka is obsessed with that child. You opened Tomotaka’s heart a little in the 2nd round. What about in the 3rd round?”

“In the 3rd round… Kuo-sensei… snatched Chako away from Tomotaka-senpai.”

Ending the familiar contract and ceding his body…

Locking her in.

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“The familiar contract he thought would last till they die got released… I believe Tomotaka received a considerable amount of shock. Then, in the 4th round, I believe that it went towards a bad direction.”

Even if… even if, senpai doesn’t remember, what if he sensed it subconsciously?

Chako disappeared again and again.

Their contract eventually ended and senpai came to know of the Chako that he kept locked within him.

If it’s Tomotaka-senpai, it’s possible that he’d do inhumane acts so that Chako will remain by his side.

“In the 4th round, after that child disappeared, do you remember how Tomotaka was like?”

“After Chako disappeared…”

How was senpai like, back then?

I tried to recall but I have absolutely no idea.

Because, at that time, being told by Chako that it’s fine already, my head was full of that.

My heart squeezes in pain again, at what I unintentionally recalled.

“Sorry, I don’t quite recall Tomotaka-senpai’s situation.”

“No, there’s nothing to apologise for… I wonder what Tomotaka thought after that child disappeared. I hope he clearly understands the consequences of his obsession running amok.”

Senpai collapsed Chako’s ego and left her by his side.

I wonder how those days were like.

“Although that child suffered, I believe it was something necessary for Tomotaka. Only… it’s essential that he reflects upon himself plentifully.”

The light blue eyes shine momentarily.

“Anyhow, I’ll pay attention such that Tomotaka doesn’t become that way, so don’t worry. I’ll give careful and detailed instructions so that he doesn’t interfere unnecessarily with that child.”

The corners of his mouth raise in a smirk as though he’s found something fun.

It feels strange because when it comes to the director, it’s like Tomotaka-senpai is just a roguish kid.

When I stare at the director absent-mindedly, he looks at me with kind eyes again.

“The things you’ve done were not in vain. Surely, something was left in the others’ hearts too.”

I wonder.

If Tomotaka-senpai collapsed Chako’s ego because of that, I think it’s too much.

However, if the director says that even that was necessary, that could be the case.

“Because you worked hard again and again, I was able to notice what you did… No, I should’ve spoken to you much earlier.”

The director acknowledged me again and again.

Even though I’m so weak.

Even though I’m a pathetic and awful woman.It may be true that Teppei doesn’t have long to live. However, thinking from the standpoint of an ordinary human, it’s only that he’ll pass away slightly earlier[1]. There are many humans who die before they fulfill their ambitions. This is no different.”

And, he unburdens my load.

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“Even if Teppei goes berserk, thankfully, we have Yuusei. If it’s Yuusei, he can probably erase Teppei. It won’t turn into a full-on war between phantoms and onmyouji. The other humans won’t get embroiled and die.”

That’s right, isn’t it.

Yuusei-kun will have to erase Kuo-sensei.

There’s a person who will erase him some day and there’s a phantom he will have to erase.[2]

They have to be in the same school.

How would that feel?

“Yuusei knew of Teppei from young. Although the two of them will have to fight some day, they’re living while facing each other properly. It’s fine.”

Aah, that’s right. There’s nothing for me to worry about.

Yuusei-kun’s a strong person.

He’ll be fine.

“Although Kousuke may be called a Good-for-Nothing Fox even now, he’s someone who will succeed Teppei. Teppei doesn’t have long. That’s why there’s plenty of expectations for Kousuke to take over as the head of phantoms. Moreover, Kousuke-kun isn’t bound by the boundaries of phantoms or onmyouji, and he’s good at grasping people’s hearts. I believe he’ll be able to do well.”

You see, Kousuke-kun.

You aren’t a good-for-nothing, at all.

Everyone has expectations of you. It’s just that you don’t know, Kousuke-kun.

You’re Kuo-sensei’s heir.

Fu, my laughter leaks out.

Goodness. It will be fine even if I don’t do a thing.

Everyone will live.

I don’t know whether their problems will be resolved but the future may not be completely dark.

“You don’t have to worry about anything. I’ll do the protecting.”

The director gazes at me kindly.

Ah, isn’t it fine already?

It was different from what I thought but the director made me give up.

He showed me a future I don’t have to work hard.

Everyone will live while facing their own problems.

Whether they are resolved, or not.

Regardless, they’ll live.

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――Only, without me.

Yes.

Only that.

“Then… do you mind if I ask you something?”

A final bit.

With this, I’ll truly give up so…

“Do you believe that fate exists, director?”

“… Hmm. Perhaps, the thing called fate does exist.”

“I thought of something when I tried to turn back time… that Chako will disappear, if I choose something. That there may be a fate like that.”

Surely, what I’ve chosen now is the director.

Not choosing anything, not getting involved with anyone.

Although my determination was unsuccessful, if a future like what the director said will happen, I think I’m glad that I chose him.

I want to believe that Chako won’t disappear in this future.

I want to think that fate has changed a little.

“I see… You, think that that child disappears if you choose something.”

“Yes…”

The director replies earnestly to even my confusing words.

Then, those light blue eyes stare at me.

“… You may indeed have been making some choice. However, it’s not you who’ve been choosing the fate wherein that child disappears. Isn’t it Tomonaga Chako, that child herself?”

“… Chako?”

My eyes widen at the unexpected words.

It’s not my choice.

It’s Chako’s.

Chako, herself, has been choosing the fate wherein she disappears?

“Yes. That child is trying to achieve something by disappearing. Isn’t that why she always disappears?”

… That could be true.

Chako doesn’t want to remain in this world.

She may want to disappear.

However…

Perhaps Chako wanted to remain in this world by disappearing.

Through disappearing, she’s trying to achieve something in this world.

At the sudden thought, the scenery reflected in my eyes become full of colours.

Chako doesn’t want to disappear.

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――She’s trying to accomplish something.

Disappearing is the process and not the result.

Chako’s fulfilling her wish by disappearing.

I wonder what Chako’s wish is.

What had Chako been thinking as she lived?

I want to talk.

To Chako.

Ah… what should I do.

I want to give up. I will give up. Even though I was thinking that, but…

I can’t possibly give up.

“Director…, I…”

I take a slow breath and stare directly at the director.

The light blue eyes look at me kindly.

He listened to the words of such a pathetic me.

He showed me a path I can continue living as the pathetic me.

He taught me of a future I can live normally without caring about anything.

“Thank you so much for listening to me.”

Although the future which is protected by the director is appealing.

Even then, I, still have something I want to do.

There’s something I have yet to do.

“What’s your wish?”

A kind arc is drawn at the director’s mouth.

My right hand rubs at both eyes roughly.

――My wish is

“To be with everyone.”

I don’t want to be alone.

“To laugh with everyone.”

I don’t want everyone to not remember me.

“I, too, want to be among everyone.”

If they are problems that can be resolved by someone else…

I want to resolve them.

I want to be of help to everyone.

That’s right. I’m greedy.

I’ve no intention of handing it over to someone other than me.

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Precisely because I know that I’m greedy, there’s a wish I can see.

I’ve always been pretending not to see it.

Because I didn’t like such an avaricious me.

However, I knew.

It’s impossible for me to sneakily watch over from the shadows.

Praying for her happiness and retreating valiantly… I can’t do that.

“The one beside Chako… should be me.”

What ”I don’t want Chako to disappear”.

What “I want to free Chako”.

Those were deception.

I’ve been deceiving it’s for Chako’s sake but, it’s all, all for my sake.

It’s just that, I.

I, simply want to be beside Chako.

What a selfish wish.

I’m not considering Chako’s feelings at all.

Even so, that’s my wish.

When I throw those words frankly, the director laughs as though he finds something strange.

He kindly mutters.

“You were the one who watched and listened to that child most, and the one who knew her best after all.”

Un.

There can’t possibly be anyone who watched Chako more than me.

“Surely, you’re the only one who can change that child.”

… Will I be able to change her? Me?

Still, I want to change her, I think.

If that’s the condition for standing next to Chako.

“Come here whenever you’re having a hard time. Rest is essential too.”

“… Thank you very much.”

The director’s so kind that my face smiles on its own.

I was happy when you told me I’ve been working hard.

That’s why, I thought that I’ll work hard again, like this.

Even though I’m so weak.

I’m a pathetic and awful woman.

Even though I’m greedy and bad at giving up.

“Well then, be on your way.”

“Yes.”

I, for my sake.

I’ll show you that I can attain everything.

“I’ll be heading off.”

To that morning.

For the last time.

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『The Happiness of Living Together』Kamo Tomoyuki　route branches.

『Attaining Everything』route has been unlocked.

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[1] His lifespan may be short for a phantom but it’s just a little below average for a human.

[2] First part is Kuo-sensei while the second part is Yuusei-kun.