‘To not feel right. In addition, to think that something is mismatched or distracting.’
When I looked it up in the dictionary, that’s what it said.
I’ve felt like that ever since I’ve started being aware of it.
Firstly, the name.
“Nousa Manami” doesn’t suit her.
An ‘Usagi(Rabbit)’ after ‘Ai(Love)’ and ‘Utsukushii(Beautiful)”, it’s like she’s being beaten up by her own name.
The only one that fits her is ‘No(Rough)’. [1]
[1] Kinda obvious, but we’re breaking down her name, [野兎愛美].
And I feel like that whenever I had to wear a cute strawberry-patterned dress, or maybe a pink shirt, or when I had to put on a skirt.
It felt like I had to choose whether or not I should go to the girls’ restroom[2] whenever I went to a public toilet.
[2] Ori text said ‘Red mark’ which is the colour of the girls’ restroom signs at every public toilet.
I saw someone on TV who had the same feeling of discomfort like me.
She said that she wanted to be born as a man.
I thought, “Oh, the same as me,”……but no matter how much I thought about it, it felt different.
In my case, I felt uncomfortable, but I don’t hate it and it wasn’t painful.
However, it was a strange feeling, like I was being forced to be something unfamiliar.
I was more reserved and thought, “Is it fine if I entered?” rather than saying that “I didn’t want to.”
All of a sudden, the day where I would have an identity crisis arrived.
I’m talking about that time when I had to buy a backpack and a study desk to prepare for the start of elementary school.
I have a younger brother who’s a year younger than me.
He has always followed me wherever I went, he was a really cute younger brother.
He’s my ‘younger brother’ but his features looked lovely, he looked a princess and he was often mistaken as a girl.
His body was also delicate and he wasn’t very strong.
He would immediately catch a cold, and if he did intense exercises, he would get an asthma attack.
He was often absent for kindergarten.
However, if I stayed obedient, I would be able to have a normal life, so I never made my parents worry and had a quiet life.
But one day, he caught a really bad cold and was hospitalized because of an asthma attack.
A quiet hospital room.
Since the oxygen concentration in the blood had dropped to a dangerous level, he had to put on an oxygen mask and he slept with a pale face――
The moment I saw such a painful sight, my chest tightened, and ‘that’ happened.
A blurry field of vision.
My younger brother’s figure suddenly overlapped something.
What?
I was nervous about whether I could think beyond that, but I was driven by the urge to remember, and I was terrified.
What came to my mind was……
Although it’s blurred by the white haze, a private room can be seen.
There’s no sound……I can’t hear anything.
The sight is seen vaguely as a ‘scenery’, but it looks like a two-dimensional illustration that’s not real.
It was a feeling that I didn’t really understand.
There was someone.
A silver-haired boy was lying on the bed.
He looks like a junior high school student. He resembled my younger brother.
……No, they’re not similar.
It was the person himself.
I understood immediately that this was the future of my younger brother.
A high school student with a well-proportioned face and light brown hair was sitting next to him with his arms on the stool, smiling at my younger brother.
My younger brother who saw his smile turned bright red and covered himself with the futon to hide.
……What’s happening?
I don’t know what they’re doing, but they don’t look like they’re just ‘friends’.
I felt a sweet, kind peach coloured atmosphere that looked like pale cherry blossoms.
This is……It reminded me of something.
The scene was still ongoing.
The light brown-haired boy stood up and sat down by the bed where my younger brother was hiding.
One again, he smiled gently and patted him gently. He whispered something to him and left.
At that time, my younger brother came out of the futon and grabbed the boy’s arm.
“Don’t go.”
I read his mouth and could tell what he said.
And when the brown-haired boy tried to stand up again, my younger brother moved.
He pulled his arm and kissed his cheek.
“It’s a promise, okay?”
I think that’s what he said.
As he said that, he hid his bright red face under the futon to escape.
The surprised high school student, whose face was slightly flushed by the kiss, left the room with a gentle expression as he scratched his head.
My head was blank.
I wonder what my younger brother was doing.
It was like……my brother was a ‘maiden who was in love’.
And the latter wasn’t that bad ……
Then isn’t this BL?
“BL”
That word came out naturally.
I know the meaning too, it’s boys love.
I hated it.
Eh……’I’[1]?
[1] 俺 = Ore/I or me, a term used by male/boys.
At that moment, another scene played.
This time, I could hear with a clear view.
This room looked about eight tatami mats wide, with beds and desks at both ends.
A pink and black bed.
A hanger with a women’s suit and a hanger with a black uniform.
Apparently, it seemed that this was a private room shared by a woman and a high school student.
“Older sister, there’re more BL posters now! I mean, isn’t this my territory!”
“It’s a new poster that just arrived today. That was a special reservation. Look, look, I’m going to get this silver-haired shouta! He’s so my typeee!! I’m going for this guy, hihihi. Just wait……I’m going to stay up for the whole night……”
“Like I care! Just give me a break already……”
There were objects that arrived that had been scattered everywhere in the room and the boy froze as he saw them.
There were posters that covered the ceiling, and on top of the pink bed were pillows that would make you look away immediately. There were young boy faces printed on the cushion that fell on the floor.
In addition, the coffee mug that had the same printing on it was being used by a person called ‘older sister’.
“Let’s think about mom’s feelings when she washes that cup……”, my younger brother muttered.
The older sister eagerly pressed the start button on the home screen using the game console.
Then she inserted the game that she had just received and talked in a good mood.
“This Flowering Season, or FS for short, is a game originally an eighteen and above PC game. After the sequel, FSII came out and it became very popular. Now, BL has also become popular and they have been introduced to home gaming consoles which are currently on sale. Well, the targeted age is fifteen years old, but they’re eighteen and over. So I’d like to see how far they went with the game. In this bid cage called CERO Rating[2], I wonder how many wings were freed……Hehe. This shouta kid is a new character from the addition of the portable edition. He looks like a junior high school student, I wonder how far can he go.”
[2] コンピュータエンターテインメントレーティング機構 = Computer Entertainment Rating Organization Video Game Rating System
“I’m not listening so be quiet. Use your headphones! I don’t wanna hear any weird noises!”
“It’s not weird, but an angel’s voice. It’s the second thing I’ll let you know.”
“It’s a nuisance!”
In the middle of that scene, I gradually started to remember what happened.
The time when I was ‘I’.
That’s it……I was this younger brother who was suffering from his rotten older sister, that was ‘me’.
My memory gradually came back.
In the middle of the night of that very same day, my older sister, who had immediately started playing and captured the silver-haired shouta kid shouted, “Huh!? They only kissed? You’re saying they don’t know how to do it!? Don’t joke with me!! I’m not working at a company to buy something like this!! I’m not playing house over here, huhhhh!!”
I remembered clearly that I was a nuisance to my neighbourhood, and my family told me not to embarrass them so we quarreled.
“I’m a bird in the cage after all……”
The back of the person muttering in grief was strangely burned into my eyes.
Speaking of which……about the silver-haired shouta boy that she was interested in, looks like my younger brother.
No, that’s right……This is also my younger brother.
The silver-haired boy in the hospital room scene that I first saw was definitely my younger brother.
Both of them are my younger brothers.
……Which means that the hospital room scene that I saw in the beginning is a scene from the game, and this appearance of the silver-haired boy is my younger brother “now”.
After that, that means that my ‘past life’ was the siblings’ ‘younger brother’.
In other words, I was reincarnated in the “BL game world as a capture character’s[1] older sister”.
[1] Capture character = A character you can get at gacha events in games.
It’s hard to believe this, but it seems to be just a matter of mutual understanding.
I can’t believe it……The ‘me’ that hates BL.
I don’t remember anything at all, but I wonder if the ‘me’ in my previous life did many bad things.
Did I live in a way that would cause trouble to people?
It was like being punished and then sent to hell.
Living is hard.
If I could be reincarnated, I would want the ability to become a cheater in a fantasy world of swords and magic, and I also wanted to be a cool hero who would save the world. And after all of that, I wanted to live a slow life.
God is cruel.
I told a friend of mine who had come to my house to play, “Do not enter my room,” but he still went in, and saw my rotten older sister’s magical forest piled up.
It was then that it became awkward between us and we became distant before I even realized it.
We seperated in high school but if it weren’t for that incident, maybe we could’ve gotten closer again later in life.
Something like that could happen, and that’s one of the reasons why ‘I’ really hate BL.
For ‘me’, BL is like the heavy oil which leaks out of a stranded ship and pollutes the sea.
It’s just harmful to the creatures living there.
It’s hopeless.
The fact that I have to live in the BL game world……!
“Manami? Manami! Hey, what’s wrong!?”
“Eh?”
My parents were looking at my face anxiously before I realized.
For a long time, I seemed to be standing, stupefied.
“Oh, sorry. It’s nothing.”
“Really? You were probably shocked to see the deep snow in this situation. Manami, you should rest for a while too.”
I was confused and decided to rest as I was told to.
When my parents finished their errands, they left the room.
In the room, there was only me and my brother sleeping with an oxygen mask.
I looked at my younger brother sleeping with a pale face.
A cute younger brother that looks like an angel who isn’t rotten or dirty, like my previous older sister.
I will protect my younger brother from that evil hand.
From this impurity called BL.
I will protect him by myself.
And I will protect myself.
Perhaps because of the acceleration in my dislike for BL, I became disgusted with the existence of men.
I’m no longer confused as living as a woman from now on, but I can’t imagine having a relationship with a man.
Let’s protect my younger brother and enter priesthood together.