CH 86

I could read the curse in his eyes with just the light of a small magic lamp coming through the window.

‘What the hell are you doing…? Do I have to make an accident on a day like today?’

It almost seemed like a rebuke of that kind, so I bowed my head and only bit my lips. I wondered what I should apologize for to make him feel better.

“You…”

While I was thinking about it, Lucian opened his mouth first. As I heard the trembling voice that seemed to contain his anger, he felt my heart shatter. My hands trembled when I even thought that I might be abandoned.

“…What do you think of me?”

I couldn’t figure out how to respond to Lucian’s question.

I didn’t mean to ignore him.

…It was just an accident.

I didn’t know that the trash booger king would come out of there. I couldn’t even breathe properly as his voice was so harsh that there was a rustling sound at the end. It was because something I had never thought of before was drawn in front of my eyes.

If…

What if…

What if Lucian hates me?

“Sorry, I’m sorry. Brother…”

“….”

He didn’t open his mouth to my apology. Instead, he took a very deep breath and then exhaled.

“On a day like today, I shouldn’t have created a problem… I’ll be really careful next time.”

The horrors of the past seemed to overlap. I’d already experienced moments of being hated by others, so why did I think Lucian would still like me? I was arrogant without even knowing it… Intoxicated by Lucian’s affection, I forgot my place.

Here, too, I forgot that I was just an adopted child.

It felt as if my head was bleached white. I couldn’t think as usual, and I just licked my lips and bowed my head. I couldn’t afford to make eye contact with him.

…What if he looked at me with an annoyed look?

What if I was bothering him, and he sent me somewhere else?

Seeing him live happily, my initial intention to leave remains the same, but I never thought that he would secretly abandon me in the first place.

My eyes burned hot. The tip of my nose was hot, and a ringing in my ears made it impossible for me to know what he was saying or how he looked at me. At this moment, I thought only of this, how to avoid being abandoned by him in the first place. ardently.

“…I’ll be married off a little later. Can’t I just stay with brother until then?”

‘It’s so nice to be with you.’

I grabbed his coat with trembling hands and continued. Forgetting that his coat was crumpled at my fingertips, I was busy voicing out the squeezed words.

“I won’t do any harm. I’ll sort out those invitations and keep the schedule as brother tells me to. Just… It was all my fault.”

I hurt myself by the words I uttered. It was because I remembered that I had said exactly what I was saying.

I habitually tried not to recall the past. It wasn’t just an act after being possessed.

Even before coming here, I was regularly erasing the past. As the situation worsened, there were cases where I could not even remember what had happened just a week ago. It was then that I realized the severity of my body and went to the hospital with difficulty and was diagnosed.

I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder — or PTSD.

After receiving the diagnosis, the thought that came to my mind was not that I was absurdly worried about myself, but rather, ‘If I tell my parents, will I look pitiful?’ If they regretted and sympathized with what they had done to me, would I be able to move back into that cozy house…?

I wake up from nightmares every day.

When I woke up, I consciously locked the past and acted like an ordinary person. Even though I was fed up with the nightmare of that time, I earnestly asked for it.

“So… Don’t be angry.”

Don’t leave me angry like them. Don’t despise me or ignore me as they do.

‘…Please, Lucian.’

I used to hold back my tears well, but now, I couldn’t stand it. I was afraid just of the assumptions… Just the thought of him hating me and ignoring me made me shudder.

“What the hell!”

At my words, Lucian burst out in anger as if he couldn’t stand it, and grabbed my shoulder strongly.

“What the hell are you talking about!”

I shook my head in surprise. He had never raised his voice like this. I cried out loud as my heart felt like it was going to drop.

“Well then… Why are you angry?”

Obviously, he was angry, and he was still angry…

“Haa… Ray.”

His face was obscured by my tears, though Lucian suddenly looked at me with a look of great distress.

“How do I make you know my heart?”

He murmured in a very earnest tone and held me before locking me in his tight arms and hugging me tightly.

I was rather relieved by the hug so strong that it took my breath away. It was a strange feeling. The sound of his pounding, beating heart was right next to my ear. He lowered his head and buried his lips in my ear… The place where the trash booger king’s lips touched.

Panting because of the already bursting cry, I dug deeper into him.

Even though we were already close enough, I clung to him as if I wouldn’t leave a single gap.

Following my actions, Lucian’s body shook slightly. It was only then that I was able to properly put my mind at ease because the atmosphere was pleasant.

Oh, I guess he wouldn’t leave me.

So. I lost strength in my body. I leaned completely against him and closed my eyes. He then pressed his lips to my ear and moved from side to side. My shoulders trembled at the slow and bizarre movement as I had once dreamed of.

The next moment, Lucian opened his mouth. How I knew it was because of the hot breath poured into my ear.

“Haa, Ray.”

Although it was the same calling as before, it felt completely different. Hairs stood up all over my body. The tears stopped flowing.

“When will I ever be angry at you?”

‘…Well, look. You’re angry, right?’

I felt like my tears were about to burst, so I grabbed his coat and closed my eyes tightly.

“Huu…”

As he exhaled deeply, the breath ruffled my ears. His breath was so hot I bit my lip. I felt like a moan would come out without me knowing. In a subtle atmosphere, I could not do this or that and waited for him to speak.

“Ray, I’m waiting.”

“…Wha, what?”

Could it be that he was just waiting for me to get married off? If that was the case, it seemed like I would be upset… If no one else and Lucian thought so.

“I want you to know, first of all, I’m still waiting.”

“….”

I couldn’t come up with any answers because I couldn’t figure it out. All I could do was lean on his firm and warm arms. Suddenly, a knock was heard on the annex door.

Lucian’s tongue-clicking sound echoed in the air.

“It’s not good for the lead to leave the place for a long time.”

I jumped in surprise at the voice I heard outside the door, and Lucian gently wiped my back.

“Shh, it’s okay.”

“The, the Duke…”

“Now, I’m the Duke, Ray.”

“Ah…”

I finally came to my senses. I hurriedly pulled myself off him and was disappointed to see his coat crumpled in my arms.

Lucian smiled a little when he saw me like that. I put the coat over his shoulder and tried to spread the folds out somehow. He grabbed my hand and opened the door.

The Duke, now the predecessor Duke, was right in front of the door, standing with his arms crossed.

“You were here, too.”

“How did you know?”

“You don’t think you’re the only one running here, silly.”

“Huh, as expected, people’s thoughts are no different.”

“Haa, our daughter is a mess.”

“Du, Duke…”

I habitually called him. However, when noticed, I fixed it and called again.

“…Predecessor Duke.”

At my call, he looked displeased and took my hand that was holding onto Lucian.

“I’ll go take Ray. You do your job.”

“…She must have been startled.”

Lucian stared intently at my hand held by the predecessor Duke with a stern look signally that he did not like it, though he did not stop it.

“Yes. Surprising a child who was already not feeling well…”

Looking at him still, I asked.

“Can I go back to my room? The banquet is still in full swing.”

“Our daughter. The dress is very dirty.”

It was then that I realized my condition. The downside of the black dress was that it was easily stained with dirt. I didn’t know because it was dark, but my dress was as messy as Lucian’s coat.

“Anyway, if you are here, this guy will only care about you. As the Head to this day, I cannot tolerate that.”

I was sorry for the predecessor Duke’s resolute words.

As I was lowering my head, a large hand came up to me and supported my chin. When I slowly raised my gaze, Lucian, who was smiling softly, caught my eye.

“You must not bow your head recklessly.”