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My head hurt as if my head was being split at the word ‘annul,’ which I could hear directly in my eyes and ears. It was as if my eyes went black, and my ears went deaf as I felt that the past I had been desperately hiding was revealed in front of me.
“I’ve been wanting to annul you for a long time. I love you as a woman, not as a sister, so why do we have to be brothers and sisters?”
With a voice full of injustice, Lucian did not stop his words.
“There are many times when I feel grateful to father who brought you though I resent it endlessly. He could have brought you as my fiance instead of my younger sister… You think so, right?”
He spoke unusually long. He was expressing joy with his whole body.
“Aahh— I thought you would choose me, too. I love you, Ray. I love you.”
He confessed like a person who had not been able to express himself for a while as Lucian tightened his arms around my waist and pulled me in.
I was easily dragged into his arms.
Thump, thump.
The beating heart could be heard nearby.
“You just need to go back to the Erland family for a little while. Of course, it won’t be any different. How can I let you out?”
“…Then, how?”
A trembling voice came out of nowhere. Actually, I couldn’t think of anything. My head, as white as blank paper, thought of only one thing.
‘Don’t want. I don’t want to. Another annulment…’
He whispered into my ear, holding me perfectly in my arms.
“It’s just a matter of returning from Rachel de Leon to Rachel de Erland for a while. Soon, it’ll be back to Rachel de Leon. Then…”
Lucian swallowed his last words, pouring a trembling breath into my ear, and slowly took his words out.
“…Then, you will be my wife and the mistress of this mansion.”
His thin, trembling tone clearly proved his joy. He was happy, but I was not.
…No, I’m happy.
It was clear that I was happy… However, it felt like my head was putting the brakes on it.
…Could I really come back?
Think carefully, Ahn Hye-young.
What did your adoptive parents say to you? They would accept me again… They would accept me back as a family if my younger sibling got better, but what happened? After they threw me away, they all died, leaving only me.
They didn’t accept me as a family until they died.
Nevertheless, would I believe his saying that he wouldn’t throw me away like a fool again? What did my biological parents say when they abandoned me? All they had to do was write that they would come someday on a piece of paper that didn’t even look like a letter.
…You had been abandoned like that twice, and now, you would believe such things again?
Stupid. You were foolish, Ahn Hye-young…
Even though I trusted Lucian with my hot heart, my cold head couldn’t believe him or his words. This was my place!
‘I’m in the right place…’
My beating heartbeat sounded like thunder. That day, I remembered the first time I was slapped by my adoptive parents.
The day I pushed my sibling out of jealousy, I was locked in a room for the first time. Even though I cried, the tightly closed door did not open, and I had to hear the thunder while trembling in the cold closet.
After that, I had to suffer from the feeling of being blocked in all directions just by hearing the thunder.
…Was that all?
Being well objectified, I was well aware that I was a broken doll covered in trauma. Such a broken doll that moved convulsively when the switch was pressed. It couldn’t be like this, wasn’t it? I commanded in my head that Lucian was saying something different now though my hand moved as if in refusal of that command.
At the thought, I pushed his chest as hard as I could.
Although I was pushed back instead of being pushed by him, who was still solid, I had achieved my goal anyway.
“Ray…?”
As soon as I got away from him, he, who had just been excited about it, showed a puzzled look. Golden eyes looked into my trembling eyes before gazing down into my arms. When he lifted his gaze again, his expression hardened coldly.
He changed his face in an instant and slowly tilted his head.
“Ray.”
As he just called my name, my body trembled. Perhaps, it was because his voice that sank low was unfamiliar. When I faced the other side of him that I had never seen before, it felt like my heart was pounding.
Even though I wanted to make an excuse in a hurry, my ugly voice couldn’t speak properly.
“Haa… No, that’s not it. Huh, that’s not what I meant…”
Suddenly, I felt short of breath as I felt my mouth dry and sweat dripping down.
As my skin got wetter, my lips and eyes trembled. I know this sign. After the possession, it never showed up, but it was a habit that I had suffered before I came here.
I need to calm down.
..I need to calm down.
Whispering inside, I slapped myself on the cheek. It felt like my eyes were getting clearer, along with the sharp pain.
I hurriedly tried to get the word out.
“That’s not it. Everything…Haaa, everything is good—no, I like, huugh…”
Was it because I suddenly took a deep breath?
My head was dizzy, so I waved my hand again to get my head up though I felt no pain. It was because Lucian grabbed my wrist. I wanted to open my mouth to him, who looked at me with a hardened face, but that didn’t work out.
I really didn’t want this. Why did it come now, why was this happening again?
…Only now can I have my person.
‘Only now…’
As I gazed up at him, gasping for breath, Lucian glanced at me for a long time. He then moved my caught wrist when I felt like I was trapped in a very tenacious, detailed gaze as if trying to scan my head.
Slap—!
A tingling sensation rushed over my palm, and at the same time, the soft skin clung to it and then fell off.
“Aahh! Lucian…!”
Slap! Slap!
Lucian grabbed my wrist and made me slap his own cheek. Unable to open or fold my hand, I pleaded with only a stuttering scream.
“Stop, stop! Please—!”
Slap, slap, whack!
His cheeks were dyed as red as my palms were red.
When I saw the clear marks on his white face, my body trembled.
I had only destroyed myself. It had been that way since I was very young. It was when I started getting beaten by my adoptive parents from time to time. My younger sibling, who cries all the time, pointed to me as the cause.
They cried because they were hungry, it was my fault.
Not wanting to share toys with me, it was also my fault.
Even when they burst out crying because they were just annoyed, they would always point their fingers at me and cry. Then, my adoptive parents looked at me as if they were seeing a dirty thing and poured out violence in the name of discipline.
The next day after being beaten like that in a house where there was no place to escape, my adoptive parents were miraculously kind to me.
I didn’t know why at the time, but after I became an adult, I became aware of it.
…Oh, they were trying to relieve the guilt of hitting a child.
However, when I was young, I was too busy receiving affection without knowing why. There were some things that I didn’t know when I was young though there was a point where I caught on faster than an adult.
It was just ‘to give me affection’ or ‘to not give.’
Recognizing my adoptive parents’ dual attitude, I secretly slapped my cheeks more on the day I was disciplined. The next day, seeing my clearly bruised face and body, I hoped that they would feel even more sorry. If that happened, they would think of me and take care of me, even for a short time.
From then on, I started to abuse myself.
So, when something like this happened that I couldn’t handle, I unconditionally moved my hand. I had to hurt myself or break the surrounding before I calmed down.
Nevertheless, since I possessed here, I’d never been like this…
Slap—
Lucian didn’t stop and continued to smack his cheek with my hand. Even though my palms hurt so badly, he was obviously more hurt than me.
I wanted to stop him.
I wanted to stop him, but my stiff body couldn’t utter any more words, and I was just trembling.
Thick tears welling up in the corners of my eyes poured down. I couldn’t even turn my head away as his eyes caught me, staring at me as if he was going to eat me without a blink of an eye.
Slap—
It wasn’t enough that his white cheeks were stained red, and as his lips burst open and blood flowed, I screamed and tried to shake off his hand. Despite the fact that I couldn’t shake it from how hard he was holding me, I was able to breathe when he stopped.
“Why, why… WHHYY!”
As I uttered only half words, I burst into tears.
Why?
“Why, huhk, huh… Why, brother…why…”
I was desperately trying to convey the words while exhaling breaths that seemed to disappear.
Lucian, who had been watching only me until then, finally opened his mouth.
“If you hate it, hit me. Don’t hit yourself.”
As he opened his mouth, the blood that had pooled inside, gushed out. Even with my weak hands, he was constantly hitting the soft cheek, so there was no way the inside of those cheeks was safe.
“No!”
I replied desperately to his words. That was not it. Why would I hate him?
…How could I hate him?
“It’s not… I hate it, so…”
My whole body shook like crazy. While it was my body, the feeling that I couldn’t control was worse than the feeling I had when I was taken by Cassandra.
Lucian grabbed my arms and pulled me closer.
“Then what!”
It was the first time he made a harsh voice, so I lost my words again. Still, that must have touched his heart. I froze as I watched the golden eyes that I had always gazed at with a glimmer of light.
“Tell me properly!”