CH 11

Wang Xiao Mie’s diary: How should I say this….sigh….

…as a zombie, I can still have diarrhea. Who would have thought…

Wang Xiao Mie was lying in his coffin, snoring and snoozing on the solid jade pillow. Until midnight, a familiar pain suddenly burst from his stomach!

Wang Xiao Mie sat up with a twisted face and his hand covering his stomach.

“Mian Deng, what’s wrong?” Wen Feng Jin never slept. Every time he laid down, it was just for show. Hence, with the slightest movement, he would react immediately.

“I, I, I…think I’ve spoilt my stomach! Sh*t! Why do zombies still have to go through this?!” Wang Xiao Mie hugged his stomach and cried without tears, “quickly, open the coffin lid!”

Wang Xiao Mie couldn’t wait to climb out.

Yet after opening the coffin, Wen Feng Jin frowned and said to him: “But there’s no toilet in the entire underground palace.”

Wang Xiao Mie: “…….”

Oh, that’s right, who would build a toilet inside their tomb. Let’s not even talk about the building of the ancient latrines in an underground palace, who would actually use the toilet in a grave underground?!

How were they to know that the tomb owner might wake up in the middle of the night to use the toilet when they’re already buried in the ground?!

“Then…then what to do…” Wang Xiao Mie just wanted to cry. He was covering his butt and clamping his legs. The pretty face was scrunched together. “Boss, do something!”

He was almost at his wit’s end if they didn’t solve this soon…

This was also the first time that Wen Feng Jin encountered such a situation. He looked at Wang Xiao Mie’s ‘savage’ expression and coughed gently, pinched his chin, and said: “There are too many contraptions here. We can take a look at the outermost areas of the tomb. The craftsmen of that time should’ve built a latrine near the tomb passageway to…cough, cleanse their system.”

Damn you! Did you think that I wouldn’t see your gloating smile when you covered your mouth…

Wang Xiao Mie ground his teeth and said: “Then what are we waiting for?! Hurry!”

“But…..because the palace is extremely vast, even with a horse carriage at full speed, it still takes two hours. As for human walking speed…” At this point, Wen Feng Jin saw that in Wang Xiao Mie’s eyes, he had turned into a life-saving beam of hope. He then changed the topic: “Although the palace is that big, I can personally escort you and it will only take half an hour.”

“…..”

Wang Xiao Mie did not know if he was shaking due to anger or him trying to hold in. “Why do you even make this place so big?! Quickly! Take me there! I’m almost—” speaking to this point, Wang Xiao Mie could not go one. He clamped his legs as Wen Feng Jin picked him up in a princess carry and dashed out.

The surrounding landscapes passed them by exceedingly fast. Wang Xiao Mie’s hair was blown in disarray as he laid in Wen Feng Jin’s embrace.

When he was put down, he patted Wen Feng Jin on the shoulder and supported himself against the wall.

“Boss, you’re a great driver…..ughh….” the speed was 200 miles per hour! My mood was in a mess—ugghh I feel like throwing up—!

After vomiting, Wang Xiao Mie waved at Wen Feng Jin’s confused expression and said: “Boss, you can go now. I’m going to have a ‘squat meeting’. In case I can’t find anything to wipe my butt, can you go to those graverobber brothers’ backpacks and see if there’s any white paper?”

“Alright.” Wen Feng Jin nodded and turned to leave when he froze on his tracks. He turned his neck and looked at Wang Xiao Mie with a smile: “Shixiong, you wouldn’t do things like pretending to have abdominal pain to deceive me and leave the tomb, right?”

Wang Xiao Mie who was frantically pulling up his clothes and gathering them into his waist was stunned for a while before he shot back an expressionless look and gave him the middle finger.

“Get lost! Or I’ll do my business in front of you! Believe it or not, that’s how I can actually get out of here! By disgusting you to death!”

Wen Feng Jin chuckled and left. But before leaving he said: “It’s dangerous everywhere in the tomb, I’ll call Mu Yi to accompany you. Don’t worry, he’s one of the tomb keepers. Amongst the little things that I keep, he can be considered the cutest.”

Wang Xiao Mie began squatting as he chattered.

What bs?! That’s just because you just don’t trust me! Hmph!

But what’s with this cute little Mu Yi? Can he be as cute as me? The shameless Wang Xiao Mie babbled away. A few seconds later, his body turned stiff as he remembered something ….

Didn’t Wen Feng Jin mention that there are no normal living creatures in this tomb… and what kind of pet can a big dumpling keep? Is it a knight?

That’s actually scary! Wang Xiao Mie gathered himself into a ball in fear. He gave out a silent scream in his heart, calling back the big boss.

But even after ten minutes, boss Wen did not return. At this time, the big guy was being held up by the toilet rolls wrapped in waterproof bags. Please excuse him, he had never seen what a toilet paper roll looked like.

Advertisements

Meanwhile, Wang Xiao Mie was in a cold sweat. He had to pinch his arm to stop himself from screaming. One of his special abilities came into play at this very moment: the more terrified he was, the calmer he would look.

And at this moment, it could be said that he was scared sh*tless.

In front of him was the blood-red lizard man known as the ‘cutest’ whose skin looked like it had been peeled off. He stared at it and fell into a deep meditation. Even his ‘business’ was put on hold.

After half a beat of silence, he looked towards the lizardman who had climbed up the wall above him. With clattering teeth, he whispered timidly: “Mu Yi?”

The lizard man’s smile extended from the left ear to the right, splitting its face in half. It then let out a laughter that sounded like clicks and swung its tail happily….

This is cute?!

The f**k this is cute!

Your house pet is frightening!!!

But this was not the most frightening. When he was shivering from being scared by the thing in front and the struggle with the problem at his backdoor, there came a loud noise from overhead and the whole place began to tremble!

Mu Yi the little cutie on the ceiling was making a creepy howl like the female ghost from The Grudge. It was wiggling around on the ceiling while staring at Wang Xiao Mie with a meaningful look, as if trying to tell him something.

It roughly translates to: Hey buddy! Why aren’t you getting up? Can’t you see there’s danger?!

Wang Xiao Mie who was squatting with his buttocks bare: “…….”

Buddy, it’s not that I don’t want to get up, it’s that I don’t have any paper.

Wang Xiao Mie grabbed his belt. He was hesitating whether to be killed by an earthquake or by his own stench.

When Wang Xiao Mie had decided to abandon his integrity and was about to stand up, a loud bang from above came increasingly close. At this moment, a stone slab half a meter away suddenly opened up. A hole appeared as a light shone into the darkness, and the shrill cries of a strange man could be heard.

A big brother rolled down from the hole and landed less than twenty centimeters from Wang Xiao Mie!

“Ow…..why are there even traps on the side of the tomb….” that big brother had a strong built, he did not pass out from the drop. He squinted his eyes, then propped his body up. As a result, he came face to face with a certain dumpling that was about to pull up his pants.

The two faced each other.

They started a staring contest.

He stared at me, and I at him….

They kept on staring….

Wang Xiao Mie awkwardly grabbed his pants: “hey…. Big buddy there, do you have any paper?”

The handsome looking brother: “……”

They then continued to stare at each other in silence for half a day before the stranger suddenly issued a deafening scream!

“My dear mother! A dumpling wearing red clothes! It even speaks—! Brother save me!!!”

“…”

Wang Xiao Mie whose eardrums almost burst: I was using the toilet in my grave when a big brother came down from above. He started screaming and whining, scaring me to the point that I can’t carry out my business anymore. Tell me, who should be the one in distress???