CH 82

I want to die.

Renato blankly sat on the empty terrace with that thought. The cold winter winds prickled his cheeks and pierced through his thin shirt, but he was not in the mood to feel cold or painful.

I just want to disappear like this.

Renato helplessly lowered his head and covered his face with his skinny hands. From some point on, he kept dreaming of death. He originally suffered from severe depression, but now, it was hard for him to even breathe. His body and mind had reached their limit.

However, he couldn’t even die at will. The knights under Maximo’s orders kept a close watch on Renato to make sure he wouldn’t do any nonsensical thing. It was almost impossible for him to do anything that could escape their eyes.

Above all else, Luna was still alive. If Renato died, it was clear that she would lose her life to Maximo just like Louis. Knowing that, he could not recklessly give up his life. Renato didn’t want anyone else to die unfairly because of him.

So he was forced to endure. But his worn-out heart and broken mind tormented Renato at every moment. Whenever he opened his eyes, he could hear the voices of Ludmilla, Trudy, and Louis alternately.

‘I entrust Trudy to you. Please protect that child.’

‘Do you hate me now, hyung-nim? But I still like you…… Hic. Please, I beg of you, please don’t hate me. Please?’

‘Your Imperial Highness, please don’t cry…… I’m okay.’

When he closed his eyes to avoid the auditory hallucinations, the sight of Louis covered in blood came to his mind. He also recalled Trudy who profusely cried and clung to him so that he wouldn’t abandon the child, and Ludmilla who entrusted the child to him with a pale face.

After suffering from visual and auditory hallucinations and staying up for a few nights, he thought he couldn’t continue like this. For that reason, he took sleeping pills before going to bed, but on those days, he would always have nightmares. In reality and his dreams, Renato was a sinner who failed to protect his precious people.

“Your Imperial Highness……”

Luna approached Renato who was shedding tears in silence. Her face also had a lot of injuries.

“It’s getting cold, so please come inside.”

Luna wrapped the blanket around the thin shoulders that were intermittently shivering and cautiously advised him to come in. But she didn’t get an answer. Still, Luna didn’t give up and persistently spoke.

“Should I tell them to prepare tea? You need to eat something.”

“……I don’t want to eat.”

An answer finally came back from Renato. His faint voice was cracked. Luna held back a sigh when seeing Renato refuse to eat. Her gaze reached Renato’s thin wrist that could even reveal his bones. Originally, his body was already thin, but now he looked as if he could break with just a touch.

Renato’s condition deteriorated this far after Louis died. He hadn’t eaten properly for half a year. He had no appetite, and whenever he ate something, he vomited.

“You have to eat even if you don’t want to. You didn’t eat anything today, did you? It can cause a serious problem.”

It would be better if a serious problem happened. Renato thought so while listening to Luna’s earnest appeal. But he knew his wish would not come true. If that was possible, he would have died a long time ago.

Renato’s life over the past few years was marred by endless violence and wounds. Maximo, who became the Emperor, came to Renato to vent his anger whenever something unpleasant happened or something did not go his way. On the bad days, he would torment Renato until he fainted.

‘Even if he’s left alone, that fucking blood will heal him, so does he really need treatment?’

Maximo totally left Renato unattended even as he suffered from his tyranny. He was cared for by Baikal back when the man was alive, but after Baikal’s death, he did not receive even simple treatment.

Renato managed to endure repeated verbal abuse and violence on a daily basis. To be exact, the fairy blood flowing in his body didn’t let him die.

The cheeks swollen from being struck by Maximo and the stomach bruised from being kicked by the man all recovered without a trace after a few days. Even when his flesh burst and his ribs cracked, it would only take a while to completely heal.

‘Fairy blood my ass, that’s just a monster.’

The imperial family’s unique healing power, envied by many, was a curse and not a blessing to Renato. Maximo often called Renato a monster because he would soon heal no matter how much he was hurt. With that, the intensity of the violence gradually became stronger, as if he was trying to see how far Renato could hold out.

“Cough, cough……!”

“Your Imperial Highness! Are you okay?”

Renato, immersed in heavy thoughts, burst into dry coughs because of the sudden cold winds. Surprised, Luna hurriedly called him.

“I’m okay. I won’t die with just this much. You also know that, right……”

Renato coughed several more times and wiped his white, blistered lips with his hand. The violet-colored eyes that had lost their vitality slightly trembled as if they were about to burst into tears.

“……My apologies, Your Imperial Highness. Please forgive my rudeness.”

Unable to continue to watch, Luna held Renato’s body and forcibly got him up. She thought she had to get him inside first even if he didn’t eat. Incapable of resisting, Renato was led by Luna and moved inside. His body had no strength after not eating properly for several months.

“I will make some tea. Please wait a bit.”

Luna sat Renato down on the bed, then hurried to the kitchen. Now that Louis was not here anymore, it was Luna’s responsibility to take care of Renato.

“Ha……”

Left alone, Renato helplessly leaned on the bedpost. Just a small movement made his head dizzy and his stomach churn.

I need to muster up my strength.

Renato slowly closed his eyes and opened them again with a tired face. He knew he needed to muster up his strength for Luna as well, but he didn’t know how to.

Over the past few months, whenever Renato faced Luna, he would be plagued by guilt for being unable to protect Louis.

It would have been better if she resented and cursed at him, but Luna didn’t. Rather, she was as concerned about Renato as ever. So it was even harder for him to look straight into her face.

What am I, just what the hell am I?

Renato was instantly engulfed in terrible self-loathing. He never properly repaid the affection and loyalty that Louis and Luna had given. Instead of rewarding them, he could only give them pain.

It was the same at this moment. Renato knew Luna would be more saddened by the loss of her family member than he himself, but he kept being a burden because he couldn’t pull himself together.

I should have sent you far away. It would have been better if I pushed you two out of this hell when Maximo ascended to the throne.

His eyes heated up again because of his belated regret. Feeling his vision become blurry, Renato closed his eyes. He kept thinking that if they had not been with him, Louis would not have died so miserably, and Luna would have been happier than she was now. Everything was the result of his weakness and selfishness.

I want to die.

Renato once again wished to die. He had no expectations that things would be any better than they were now, and just wanted to give up everything. He didn’t even know if he had any kind of lingering attachment left to continue with this life.

‘Do you perhaps…… need my help?’

As his mind sank into the seemingly endless darkness and was engulfed in uncontrollable melancholy, that voice came to his mind. Renato habitually fiddled with the left pocket of his shirt.

“Kha, lid……”

He took out the pocket watch at his fingertips and called the name with deep longing. In reality, back when he spent time with Khalid, he never called the man’s name out loud. However, whenever he was pushed to his mental limit, he recalled the promise with the man, and the man’s name also naturally came out of his mouth as a habit.

How are you doing?

Renato caressed the softly shining watch. Nearly two years had passed since Khalid left for the Khan Kingdom. Shortly after that, Renato was imprisoned in the palace by Maximo, so he hardly heard about Khalid.

According to the news that Luna struggled to find out half a year ago, Khalid seemed to have wiped out all the rebels and kept his young nephew safe. Renato felt relieved that Khalid was safe, but also felt hurt because the man had never contacted him.

“Liar……”

You promised that we would leave together, you said you would come back soon. Renato let out a small resentment toward Khalid. His transparent tears dripped on the watch.

‘I’ll do everything I can to get you out of the Imperial Palace.’

About three years ago, Khalid promised to grant Renato’s wish to leave the Imperial Palace. In fact, the man devised a detailed plan to get Renato out of the Imperial Palace and carried it out step by step so that Maximo wouldn’t notice.

At the same time, he steadily contacted Renato to inform him of the situation so that he would not be anxious. Sometimes, he came while avoiding people’s eyes. From some point on, Renato started looking forward to Khalid’s contact or his meetings with the man.

A meeting with Khalid lasted only a few minutes to an hour at the longest, but that time gave him a bit of a breather.

‘Three months later, there will be a Crown Prince coronation ceremony in the Khan Kingdom. Although I still have some time left in my term as the diplomatic ambassador, I will be appointed as the Crown Prince’s teacher and leave the Empire a bit early. Let’s go to the kingdom with me by then.’

‘Is that okay?’

‘Yes, I have already obtained permission from Her Majesty. It will be conducted in the form of political asylum.’

‘But then…… won’t you be in trouble, your highness?’

‘You don’t have to worry about me. The Empire will never raise an army against our kingdom. Even if the Emperor strongly insists, the nobles will oppose it. They can’t afford to go to war either.’

‘How are you sure of that?’

‘Because there has been an unusual famine across the Empire since last year. Their military power isn’t that strong from the beginning and the supply will obviously become a problem as well, so who would want to go to war? So you only need to make up your mind, Your Imperial Highness.’

After completing his explanation, Khalid hesitantly held out his hand. And he moved his lips with a cautious look.

‘……It’s not a better place to live than the Empire, but I will do my best to help you adapt to the kingdom, Your Imperial Highness. I will try my best to make you happier than at this place, so…… Would you like to come with me?’