He ran his ass off for Chu Yuan Jiang without a moment of pause, as if he was trying to remind me that everything between me and him was only a show, a transaction that we both agreed upon. But then every time we met, he would be so nice and caring. It made me nurse a grievance even though this was what I had expected to happen.
I had gone so far and done so much for him that he should be at my beck and call now. And that actually seemed to be the case too. However, that state of things brought me no relief, and, instead, I felt there was something lacking. I felt a void in my chest. An emptiness that no care or smile could mend.
He was almost on call, but I somehow felt that he could disappear at any moment and without any hesitation.
His sweetness was a masquerade boon. Once that mirage vanished, the only thing left would be a cold, barren desolation. I knew this, I knew all of it, but I refused to care. As long as today lasted, I would indulge myself in it.
Some people told me that his and Chu Yuan Jiang's relationship was "abnormal", but I didn't believe it. I more or less knew his preferences after being with him for so long.
Nevertheless, that idea became a thorn in my heart anyway. I never talked about it, but it didn't mean that I didn't care.
It just felt so horribly unfair every time I got that look of contempt from Lin Shao Hua. I brought him home under all the judgemental stares, all the pressure… For what? Did he ever appreciate it? Did he ever care enough to help me? Protect me? Like fucking hell he did… And on top of that, he exploited me whenever he could.
The one time when his mask tended to slip, was when we were in bed. His violence unerringly lifted the veil. He fucked me as if he was exacting redress for all that I owed him. Every time I slept with him would make me struggle to walk the next day. But still, as long as he was asking, I would go to see him every single time.
There was an easy life I could enjoy, and yet I willingly chose to suffer at his place. I started to think I was becoming more and more whorish by the day.
I couldn't stay like this. Plus, Lin Shao Hua[1] had certain expectations of me I would eventually have to meet. So I made up my mind and cut off Ou, suppressing my urge to see him again.
That was a surreal feeling. I wanted to see him, but I knew that once I saw him I would lose myself, as if I was drunk or dreaming.
And when I didn't see him, my chest hurt, but I somehow felt relieved and safe.
After a while like this, my dignity that he stripped from me just like my clothes gradually returned to me layer by layer. I almost felt reborn. I could feel the hope of having a fresh start. I was thinking, Yes, this should be my life, this ought to be the way I go.
Lin Shao Hua's appreciation and the arranged date was the cherry on top of my smooth days. I was certain I must have forgotten Ou Jiang Jun. I believed I was able to let it go.
Lin Shao Hua implied that it was time for me to get married. I agreed, obviously.
But that same night, I dreamt about Ou.
When I woke up, I grabbed my phone and called his number, as if possessed by evil spirits.
I said nothing into the phone, and for a long while he said nothing too. Eventually, after a long silence, he said with a deep, soft voice, "I miss you a lot… Can I see you?"
So I went.
He was exceptionally passionate that night, and I completely lost myself in the unrestrained sex. I knew I was done for.
After we were finished, he mentioned that he wanted to take charge of the XX appliances deal. I immediately understood what he was aiming for, but I couldn't say the words of refusal.
I knew, that after keeping him estranged for such a long time, and he was in a state of panic now.
After all, this was the deal we had agreed on at the beginning.
He won that battle in magnificent style, completely exceeding my expectation.
I hosted a celebration party for him afterwards, and once it finished he took me to a hotel room. I allowed him to kiss and bite all over my body. Just one last time, I said to myself. One last wild night before I restrain my heart.
That night, his lips and tongue wandered all over my body. His rough fingers stimulated my senses. Maybe this taboo that even I despised myself for was exactly what made us so exceptionally excited.
I rode on his body, his spear filled my body, evading and hurting me with every movement. I remember his slightly curved lips and the lust in his eyes that contained the desire to conquer. Each thrust being a proof of his victory.
The humiliation trapped me in a hallucination, as I rose and fell with the pain and pleasure of self-degradation. I wrapped my arms around his neck. His movements, no longer gentle, brought me to the climax.
I knew so very well that this couldn't continue, but I couldn't stop seeing him and making out with him. Like a desperate crazy man just before his inevitable fall.
I was like a drug addict, and I couldn't find a way to quit.
And then, that one day he showed up at my date as if he was perfectly entitled to be there. At that moment, I suddenly started questioning myself, who is he, who am I, and what are we going to do with us?
When I recovered from the surprise, I was swallowed by anger.
I had tolerated all of his reckless behavior in private, but how could he still act like a boss in public?
How could he be so inconsiderate? Didn't he know? Didn't he understand how crucial this was to me? Why did he try to mess everything up?
Ever since he came to City B, it was me that gave him money, offered him jobs, lifted him to his current station and let him do as he will in bed. What gave him he right to act like a boss in front of me?
But he asked me, "What do you think I am?"
I felt so aggrieved. What did I think he was?
When I was suffering alone, he was busy saving Chu Yuan Jiang. When I was shouldering all the pressure, he was fighting with me for Chu Yuan Jiang. And now, when I finally had to compromise, here he was asking me "What do you think I am?"
"Am I just a prostitute for you?" He left slamming the doors after this question.
I collapsed on my chair. In the end, was he not? After all, he was. He had sold himself to me, Lin Ye. But, unfortunately, he didn't think of it as such and neither did I. In the end, it was more like I was the one who sold myself to him, only to find that my buyer didn't cherish at all, and treated me like trash.
Even though I was so mad, I somehow made myself wait for him under his building the next day.
He refused to talk much, but thrust in me so very hard once we entered the room.
I kept gasping for air in pain. He couldn't control his anger, but how could he not know that I was angry too?
I kicked him out of the bed, but he only indifferently jerked off on the floor instead, and then got dressed and left without looking back…
He… just… left?
I collapsed on the bed, covering my face with one hand. I vowed to never stoop so low to go and see him again. Never!
I felt so completely, thoroughly hurt.
Long time later, when my first birthday since the wedding day arrived, I still had some vague hope, even though it had been quite a while since either of us contacted the other. Would he send me a gift? What would it be? Would he apologize?
Those questions stopped me from sleeping for the entire night, however, the message from him that I had been waiting for the entire birthday banquet never arrived.
My wife gifted me the news of her pregnancy. I couldn't believe she had been keeping it a secret from me all the time.
To be honest, this came more as a shock than a surprise, but still, I suddenly had a feeling that my life would never be the same from this point.
I drunk till very late that night. When I went back the bedroom, the last trace of sorrow from the paradise lost was all driven away by the soft bed and the warm body next to me.