This question became a toxic tumor in my heart. It grew and spread, nibbling up something in me.
So I went back to him again. I wanted to see it clearly. I wanted to figure out why.
He appeared to hold no grudge against me at all. He welcomed me with warm smiles, but from time to time he would dodge me.
He was so different. He was different from anyone else.
All those around me were crouching like ravenous wolves. They would satirize me in the open, and scheme against me on the sly. They might flatter and obey me at first, but would always seek the opportunity to avenge. Such is the relationship between men – governed by greed and sycophancy.
Only him…
He was so strange. He first avoided me, then when he couldn't avoid my pestering, he slept with me.
On bed, he still smiled peacefully, as if he had no wariness. His eyes were so naked that they made my heart beat like a drum.
My hobby went from bullying him to tantalizing him, and watching his insatiate face.
But everytime, after I poured cold water on him, he acted as if he remembered nothing. He didn't feel that he lost face, and continued to laugh and joke with me as before.
Even though I never treated him very nicely, he comforted me whenever I was tired, teased me whenever I was angry, and appeared out of nowhere whenever I thought about him…… It happened so often that overtime, I could no longer keep my detached attitude, so I started trying to find fault with him whenever I could.
He was not very talented at arguing, often muted by my words. But he was a master in sweet talks. My words met his like gun powders met honey. He always had the ability to be so cheesy that I couldn't take it and wanted to crush my skull on the wall.
But if I don’t go meet him when he needs a little roughening up, he will act all full of himself again.
Though, when I did, I somewhat got addicted to smacking him around.
In the past, I preferred to send my partner away after sex. For one thing, I felt they were dirty. For another, I also felt empty and melancholy. I preferred to stay alone, until I met him. He always hung on and forcefully took me in his arms from behind after we comforted each other. At first I struggled in vexation, but after a while I failed and accepted it and gradually got used to his warmth. There were several times when I just couldn't kick him out. I had to sit in the sofa and watched TV with him after shower, discuss about boring news.
I started getting used to kill my spare time with him, get off with him, bully him, and crawl in his arms, listening to his awkward dirty jokes.
I had "stayed in the fish shop for too long, that I couldn't smell the stink anymore"[1]. I got so used to his bullshit, that I felt lacking when he sometimes talked less like that.
I didn't start to panic until one day I realized that I seldom went out for fun anymore since I started with him.
— It was too comfortable being with him, that I grew more and more impatient of the propitiating hypocrisy of others. Only him would smile warmly and treat me like a treasure after I threw my temper and anger at him at will as if it never happened.
I thought I finally figured it out.
And understood why his business was so successful.
In most cases, he could change a man involuntarily, make them willing.
I even noticed that when I killed time with him, his silliness could make me relax, and free myself. Temporarily, I was able to forget about that place that belonged to me, and my urge to go back.
The first time I heard him say "I like you", I had no idea it could feel like that. His eyes were so sincere. His hands were so gentle.
Pleasure rose from back, through my spine, to my head… but that only lasted for a second.
After that, he seemed to sense my refusal, and started to estrange me.
I estranged him as well, and indulged myself outside, but found it less engaging.
I found myself losing interest to everything I had enjoyed in the past.
Involuntarily I thought about him, and his brazen and shameless face.
I guessed I should play with him more.
So I asked him to bring a partner to the party. Sure enough, he took me away once he saw me making out with someone else in his face.
As expected, his feelings for me revived. I looked at his eyes, couldn't help but ask, "What exactly do you like about me?"
He paused for a while, then answered me with seriousness, "I can't tell you a good reason either, other than your eyes being too beautiful. Honestly, the way you have treated me should make me infuriated with you but I have no idea why, once I see your eyes, all my anger just disappears, and I even secretly wish you mess with me more… Besides, even though you seem to have so many people around you every day, how many of them can sleep with you till dawn? Where it looks bustling, is the most desolate. Every time I think about this, my heart hurts for you… and I want to protect you more…."
His words overwhelmed me.
I, Lin Ye, had lived a solitary life over a decade. My mom was kind but naive. She was too weak and died early. During my struggles to survive till today, whoever crouching around wasn't trying to suck out the last drop of blood in me?
I guessed I figured out why he was not trampled to death for so many years, because all those wanted to do so were either dodged or conquered.
He seemed to have a magical power, which could put anyone wanting to hurt him at a loss, not knowing what they could do.
I embraced him from behind. Hearing his heartbeat, I had never felt so safe before.
For so many years, my heart never stopped feeling exhausted. Only when I was with him, I could release my resentment, or just do nothing but lying with him. He always made me feel comfortable. I suddenly felt, it would be nice if we stayed like that.
I even had a ridiculous idea. Wouldn't it be nice if he wasn't good at making money? If he was a prostitute, I could be his sugardaddy, so that he would be innocent of all the dirty things. He just need to wait there and stay by my side when I was tired.
When I wanted to tease him I could play a prank on him; when I wanted to relax I could lie on his shoulder; when I was bored I could get off with him.
It's not like I couldn't support him for the rest of his life.
However, all was doomed to turn upside down. I felt sorry, but I had no regrets.
I didn't regret knowing him, nor befriending him; nor did I regret anything I had done.
If he was worthy of me doing anything else within my strength, I would need to see his heart.
I asked him for the car, but he refused.
For the first time, he refused me, despite being easy-going forever.
What else could I say?
I thought that was the end. But on my birthday, he showed up at my door holding a bouquet of roses.
Someone was in my room that day. It was my first step to go back to my past life.
But his stiffened face somehow hit me. Driven by some mysterious force, I told him, "Why didn't you call in advance before coming? Wait for me; I will go find you later."
When I arrived in his apartment, he was mad. The cake looked like it was chomped by a dog. I somehow felt a bit uneasy.
I held my pride for so many years. All my lowliness in this life must have been used on him. I asked him for the car again.
I gazed at the snowflakes beneath my feet, then looked up and looked up at the night sky…… It was pretty far from his home.
Eventually, he gave it to me, but I didn't want it anymore.
I sneered in my heart. I will deal with this perfectly in my own way.
I have given him the ladder. It is him that chose to fall off. It is not my fault.
But I will stand next to the cliff, and catch him when he falls.
After it happened, he came to my house and begged me, as I had predicted early on.
This should be the time when I felt the sweetness of victory, but I felt disgusted. As if something had slipped away without me noticing.
But he was indeed different. In this age, even loving couples ditch and betray each other when the thunderstorm came. But when Chu Yuan Jiang was the boss, he avoided being associated with him and only met him in secret; now that Chu Yuan Jiang was in Jail, he sold his company to lobby around for him.
In the end, I took his offer, but I made him pay. I set him a very high bar, but it was not impossible with his talent in business.
I didn't really care how much money he could make me, but he had to pay the price. I wouldn't give my favor for free, otherwise, he might think of himself like some master of love.
The process was not important anymore, as long as I had the result. I was not the type of person to dream about love or romance. Those who believe in this, would one day die miserably.
As long as he was still by my side after the cataclysm, it was enough.
[1]A Chinese saying.入鲍鱼之肆,äą…č€Śä¸Ťé—»ĺ…¶č‡ â€“  It’s like staying in a fish market and getting used to the stink. Long exposure to a bad environment accustoms one to evil ways.