It has begun the moment I realize when and where it happens.
Now that it has started, itās too late now. It flows just like a river.
I might have been happy if I didnāt notice it. I might feel better if I could stop it.
But I canāt stop it right away.
Once it has flowed, no one can go against it.
But as it goes by, it gets bigger. But Iām sure itāll get drowned into the sea if I donāt do something about it.
And itāll be too late once that happens.
Because itās impossible to find what has drowned into the sea. It will only leave scratches at the end, eventually disappearing into oblivionā¦
If I can stop the flow in the middleā¦
Then that will mark a new beginning.
So no one notices it. When it ends, and when it starts. It will continue to smolder.
āāā
ā...That was interesting. But I canāt understand what is the implication. It bothers me.ā
But I spoke to myself, holding down my stomach. Then I reflexively chuckled.
āTalking about the beginning, it happened at that time, huh.ā
On that day, I forgot my wallet and my house key. Itās the first time that happened to me.
Even if I wanted to kill some time, I had no money to go anywhere. I didnāt want to stay in school since many people gathered there.
At that time, a boy from the same school gave me potatoes. He told me he was giving me something he would throw away. Yet despite all of that talk, the potatoes were still warm. That realization made me almost laugh.
No matter how I looked at it, he must have bought it for me.
However, I was suspicious of him at that time. All I thought was, āAh, this happened again.ā
And I wondered if he would demand something in return of this. I experienced that beforeā¦
Someone offered to help me carry a load at school, then he persistently pressed me to exchange contacts with him ever since.
That was just one of the examples. Many other men approached me with hidden intentions. I didnāt want to remember themā¦
So I was sure he was one of themā¦
Thatās why I wanted to cut off my future worries. And I waited for him. If I was indebted at him, I should repay the favor as soon as possible.
But he refused. On the contrary, he sent me home since it was late at night.
That time, I gave him a chance to make me indebted to him on purpose. But the result was the same. He didnāt ask for anything.
How strangeā¦ I couldnāt understand his thoughts. Maybe he was aiming for something big? I felt a little scared of that possibility.
So I decided to go to his part-time job.
That way, I should be able to get a glimpse of his personality. Fortunately, it was far from school, and also a good place to studyā¦ Plus, the donuts were delicious.
But my father got angry every time I went home late at night. It was scary.
So I told him, āDonāt worry. Tokiwagi-san always sends me back.ā
Father frowned, but he said, āBring him here someday.ā He then opened his newspaper so I couldnāt see his face anymore.
At that time, Mother was grinning behind meā¦ I wonder why? I still wasnāt sure of the reason until now.
However, they hadnāt said anything since then. It probably meant my parents had approved of him. But Towa-kun was surprised when I told him thatā¦
After that, he sent me every time he had a part-time job. And yetā¦ there was no change.
At this pointā¦ I lost a little confidence. Maybe I wasnāt that attractive?
So I went to his home. I tried to show my cooking skills and tried to catch him off guard. My face would turn red in embarrassment every time I remembered how I did something bold that day.
Even though I acted with such courageā¦ he still never asked for a reward.
So from that day, I tried to approach him by doing this and that.
Did I get closer to him? Have I shown him about me? What does he think about me?
And when I realized it, I was following him every day. My suspicions had changed before I knew it, and I was focused on him.
I couldnāt forget that feeling when I realized that. The hazy that annoyed me cleared up, and my face became hot at the same time.
But there were also times when I was sad. He tried to keep a distance from meā¦
But I know.
Heās really a kind person. Heās just more unfriendly and blunt than other people. I knew that since I had been with him every day. Thatās why he should have a reason to put up a wall between us so I wouldnāt come near himā¦
So I would never leave him alone. No matter what he didā¦
Iām waiting for him to tell me the reason.
āOh, I see. So itās like thatā¦ Now I understand the meaning of this poemā¦ā
I realized it by looking back on my recent self.
āThis was a love poem, eh.ā
Fufu, it might be perfect for me now.
I closed the book and looked up at the ceiling. I fanned my hot face again with my hands.
What is he thinking right now? What does he think of me? Is it possible that he likes somebody else?
Even if I thought about it, I couldnāt come to a conclusion. But I had decided on what to do.